As older brother will, John took the upper hand. “You know,” he said, “in my work, people come into my office, tell me their problems, take off all their clothes and then pay me for my advice.”
—DAVID PAUL REUWER
While working as a radiologic technologist in a hospital emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.
“What happened to this patient?” he asked in astonishment.
“He fell out of a tree,” I reported.
The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree. “I’m not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Asplundh Tree Experts.”
Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, “Cross out ‘Experts.’”
—GENIEVE MARKOVCI
It took me forever to wake up one of my nursing home patients. But after much poking, prodding, and wrangling, he finally sat up and fixed his twinkling blue eyes on my face. “
My, you’re pretty!” he said. “Have I asked you to marry me yet?”
“No, you haven’t,” I gushed.
“Good. Because I couldn’t put up with this every morning.”
—DIANE WITLOX
Airport Hijinks
“What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?” I asked my husband. He thought for a minute before responding, “An optimist is the guy who created the airplane. A pessimist is the guy who created the parachute.”
—SUZAN WIENER
On a late Sunday night flight from Sydney to Brisbane, most passengers looked tired, harassed, and desperate to get off the plane. So did the cabin crew. As we were taxiing to the terminal, the steward started his spiel about remaining in your seats until the plane came to a standstill. He ended with, “Thank you for flying with us and be careful when opening the overhead toilets, which may have moved during the flight.”
—GLENDA FORKNALL
After setting off the alarms at airport security, I was escorted behind a curtain. As two female officials “wanded” me, the senior officer gave instructions to the trainee on proper technique: first down the front of my body, then up the back of me, and—much to my embarrassment—up between my legs.
After she was done, her boss congratulated her. “Great job,” she said. “Now do it again. But this time, try turning on the wand.”
—VICTORIA RADFORD
A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing. Luckily, there’s a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. “Is there a mechanic in the area?” he asks the woman who answers.
She thinks for a minute. “No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.”
En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the coach section of the airplane dialing her cell phone. “Excuse me. That can’t be on during the flight,” I reminded her. “Besides, we’re over the ocean—you won’t get a signal out here.”
“That’s okay,” she said. “I’m just calling my daughter. She’s sitting up in first class.”
—DAWN CALLAHAN
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
—ADAM J. SMARGON
As an airline reservation agent, I took a call from a man who wanted to book a flight for two but wasn’t happy with the price of $59 per ticket. “I want the $49 fare I saw advertised,” he insisted, saying he would accept a flight at any time.
I managed to find two seats on a 6 a.m. flight. “I’ll take it,” he said, then worried that his wife might not like the early hour.
I warned there was a $25 fee per person if he changed the reservation. “Oh, that’s no problem,” he said dismissively. “What’s fifty bucks?”
—ANNA ZOGG
When I worked in airline reservations, we had an executive desk, which did bookings for corporate clients during the day. One evening the phone rang and rang. Finally our supervisor picked it up and said in a monotone, “We are open from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Please call back then.”
A voice on the other end asked, “Is this a recording?”
Without thinking, my boss replied, “Yes, it is.”
—ANNETTE MURRAY
As a flight attendant for a commuter airline, I constantly struggle to keep people seated until the aircraft has come to a complete stop at the gate. So one day, after making the standard announcement, I added, “Those of you who would like to stay and assist me in cleaning up the cabin, please volunteer by standing up before the seat-belt sign is turned off.” No one moved—and my solution has worked ever since.
—MARIE WHITEIS
Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to the room where security temporarily holds suspects.
One day, security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few minutes, the door opened and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, “Get back in there, and don’t you come out until you’re told!”
The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the women reported what had happened.
Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.
—RUSS PERMAN
Plane Ridiculous
With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they’ll levy for something previously free.
In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card.
$100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay-Complaint Fee
View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10
$20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative
$9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it
The flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, “Oh, he’s good. I like his work.”
—DAVID SPADE
I’m a captain with a major airline, and I routinely monitor the flight attendants’ announcements while taxiing to the gate. Impatient passengers often stand up and attempt to dash forward before we arrive. Once, instead of the usual terse voice reminding people to remain in their seats, I heard the attendant declare, “In the history of our airline, no passenger has ever beaten the aircraft to the gate. So, ladies and gentlemen, please remain seated.”
—JOE CONFORTI
My father’s colleague was on a company plane when, immediately after takeoff, a wheel fell off. The pilot did not want to land with a full fuel tank, so he circled through some heavy turbulence. When he finally touched down, he managed to tilt the plane, balancing it on only two tires until it had almost stopped.
As the pilot came out of the cabin to see if everyone was all right, the passengers noticed his name tag. It read “Bond.”
—ILA COLTAS
During a business trip to Boeing’s Everett, Wash., factory, I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled.
Before the engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings to keep the planes balanced. The solid-steel weights were bright yellow and marked “14,000 lbs.”
But what I found particularly interesting was some stenciling I discovered on the side of each weight. Imprinted there was the warning: “Remove before flight.”
—KEVIN N. HAW
My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.
“When I
fly other airlines,” he said irritably, “I don’t have this problem.”
My wife smiled and replied, “When you fly other airlines, I don’t have this problem either.”
—JOE CONFORTI
Sales and Service Slip-ups
I took a part-time job as an opinion-poll sampler, calling people for their views on various issues. On my very first call, I introduced myself, “Hello, this is a telephone poll.” The man replied, “Yeah, and this is a street light!”
—ANDY GOLAN
Working for a florist, I took a call from a woman who spoke to me over a very crackly cell phone. She wanted to send a wreath to a friend’s funeral, but I couldn’t make out what message she wanted to accompany the flowers. Finally, I just had to interrupt her. “It’s a bad line,” I said over the din. There was a slight pause before she said, “Well, can you think of something better to say?”
—IVOR EDWARDS
A customer who bought a book from me through amazon.com left a poor rating. The reason: “The book was dated.”
The title of the book was Victorian Fancy Stitchery.
—MOIRA ALLEN
Even though telemarketers are slightly less beloved than dentists and tax auditors, that’s the job my friend took during his summer vacation. Halfway through one of his sales pitches, he heard a clicking at the other end of the line. Thinking the man may have hung up, he asked, “Are you still there?”
“Yeah, still here,” said the man.
“Sorry, I heard a click and I thought you’d been disconnected.”
“No,” the man said, “that would sound more like this.” He then proceeded to show me what it would sound like by slamming down the phone.
—TRAVIS JAMES
My wife, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she was listing. The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase. Quickly describing this feature, she inadvertently made it sound even more attractive: “Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric chair.”
—MICHAEL KIMMIT
Two salesmen, Joe and Mike, were stranded by a winter storm and took refuge in an old farmhouse occupied by an attractive single woman. In the middle of the night, Joe heard Mike sneak out of bed and into the woman’s room. Joe said nothing about it until nine months later when a registered letter arrived at his office. Clutching the letter, he walked into Mike’s office. “Do you remember the night we were stranded by that snowstorm and you sneaked out of your room to be with that woman?” he asked.
“Yes,” Mike replied.
“You told her you were me, didn’t you?” Joe demanded.
“Yes, I did,” Mike said nervously. “Why do you ask?”
“Because,” Joe replied, “she just died and left me a fortune!”
—ALICE L. SMITH
My daughter and her husband were with us on vacation in Las Vegas, staying in a posh new hotel. As we were lounging by the pool, my son-in-law, whose company builds homes in the Phoenix area, used his cell phone to try to reach his salesmen.
After several unsuccessful attempts, he called his office. “Tell me something,” we heard him say. “Am I the only one working today?”
—PAUL JENNINGS
Dearth of a Salesman
Corporate America lives and dies on the back of its sales force. Based on the following stories, some companies are DOA:
“We had a salesman who visited monthly and told me stories of his drunken escapades. After six months, I told him I was a Mormon and didn’t care for them. He apologized and then joked, ‘So how many wives you got?’”
“A salesman spelled my name wrong in his presentation. It’s Smith.”
“The all-male ad-agency team told my female marketing team that they understood tampons better than us.”
—JIM NICHOLS
Trying to sell ads for my high school yearbook, I approached my father, who owned a house painting business with my two brothers. My father agreed to purchase an ad and said I should ask my brother Jack to write it.
“We’re too busy now!” Jack protested. “If we run an ad, we’ll just get more work.”
“Jack,” I replied, “Dad said you have to write the ad.”
The next morning, Jack handed me his copy. It read, “John J. Pitlyk & Sons, Painting Contractors. For easy work, call the sons. If it’s hard, call Pop.”
—JOAN PITLYK
The restaurant we had lunch in is one business that knows how to handle dissatisfied customers. On the wall was an open bear trap and this sign: “To Register Complaint, Push Button.”
—MARK VELEZ
Seen in a John Deere sales office: “The only machine we don’t stand behind is our manure spreader.”
—NORMAN HAUGLID
A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift. “No, thanks,” says the plant manager. “I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn’t like it.”
The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis. “No, thanks,” the plant manager replies. “I tried alcohol once, but didn’t like it.”
Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course. “I suppose you play golf,” says the salesman. “I’d like to invite you to be a guest at my club.”
“No, thanks,” the manager says. “I played golf once, but I didn’t like it.” Just then a young man enters the office. “Let me introduce my son, Bill,” says the plant manager.
“Let me guess,” the salesman replies. “An only child?”
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising salesman offered to put my father’s business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.
“Richard Larson, CPA?” the caller asked.
“That’s right,” my father answered. “May I help you?”
“Yes,” the voice said. “One of your shopping carts is in my yard and I want you to come and get it.”
—MATTHEW LARSON
Tech Talk
The company I work for boasts a high-tech check-in system that enables our staff to monitor who is, and isn’t, in the office. Recently I asked a secretary if a particular supervisor was in. She agreed to find out, and left the room. When she returned a few moments later, I asked her if she had been using the new system to see if he was clocked in.
“No,” she replied. “I was looking out the window to see if his car is here.”
—BILL WILLIAMS
Now that my mother’s office has a fax machine, I fax my correspondence to her instead of using the post office. Although I’ve told her many times that it’s a faster and less expensive way to communicate, she continued to mail me weekly letters.
On my last birthday, however, she showed that she now has a full grasp of technology. She faxed me a $100 bill with the note: “Happy Birthday. You’re right—it is cheaper to fax than mail. Love, Mom.”
—SUSAN REILLY
In the office where I work, there is a constant battle between our technical-support director and customer-service personnel over the room temperature, which is usually too low.
The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his position, announced one afternoon, “We need to keep the temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers will overheat.”
Thinking that this was just another excuse, one of my shivering colleagues retorted, “Yeah, right. So how did they keep the computers from overheating before there was air conditioning?”
—HEIDI DYSARD
“It’s not personal, Carlyle. I just downloaded a new phone app that will replace you.”
During a lecture on the influence of media on teens, a typo in the PowerPoint presentation revealed the professor’s true opinion. The title read: “Three Reasons Teens Are Vulnerable Toads.�
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—MICHAEL DOBLER
After a lengthy course on improving computer skills, a teacher finally seemed to get the hang of it. In fact, he admitted in his self-evaluation, “Computers have simplified and shortened my life.”
—BART ALTENBERND
One night, a few coworkers at the computer data center where I work stayed late, and we all started to get hungry. We decided to order in food by phone, but our boss thought that, since we work with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After we contacted the fast food chain’s Web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screen: “Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days.”
—THANTHIP RIOTHAMMARAT
Before retiring from my 30-year marketing career at IBM, I attended a seminar where a young salesman presented the latest PC. Impressed with the presentation, I remarked, “When I joined the company, we intended to make the computer as easy to use as the telephone. It looks like we made it.”
“We have,” the speaker replied. “We’ve made the phone a lot more complicated.”
—LYNN A. SMITH
The new computer system at work allowed us to e-mail messages to one another. Soon after it was installed, my boss saw me at lunch and asked me for some reports, adding, “I left a message on your computer.”
I had to laugh when I got back to my desk. There I saw his message—taped to the computer screen.
—JEANNE WASHBURN
A technology fanatic, my boss is adamant about creating a paperless office. Away on a business trip, he had left instructions on my voice mail: “Fax the contract revisions to your PC, then forward the fax to my e-mail box. When the transmission is complete, send a message to my digital-display pager. Then I will call you from my cellular phone with further instructions.”
Just after I finished listening to his message, though, my boss called back. He had forgotten his modem and now wanted me to send the documents to him by overnight mail.
Laughter Is the Best Medicine Page 9
