I was musing on all these deals as I crossed the field that divides Tynwald from Ashdown Park and walked to the corner of Eves and Ashdown Drive. I thought I might get a lift to town here. I bought an Everest from a vendor who had set up a stall at the corner. As I lit my cigarette, I was almost run over by a huge silver Prado that screeched to a halt beside me. The driver jumped out leaving his door open, and bought a couple of cigarettes from the vendor.
I was about to say something to him when I was distracted by the music coming from his car. I would know that riff even in the pits of hell. The Eagles. ‘Hotel California’. The music poured from his car and into Ashdown Drive. My rage went away in an instant. I laughed hard. The young man and the street vendor looked at me. They were joined in their curiosity by three men who had been waiting for transport to town. It is not every day a man goes mad at the corner of Eves and Ashdown Drive. Their baffled faces made me laugh harder, and buckled by the strength of my laughter, I doubled over.
Ko ndeipi blaz? the Prado driver asked.
You will not believe me if I tell you, I said.
Try me, he said.
Now here was an opportunity.
I will only tell you if you give me a lift to town, I said. I nodded towards the other three. Give all of us a lift and I will tell you the best story you have heard your whole life.
One mita each, he said.
I summoned the three who clambered into the car. I got into the passenger seat. We handed over a million dollars each to our driver and drove off in the final blasts of the Eagles. As we drove down Harare Drive, I told them about the time, back in the swinging nineties, when Zimbabwe was still Zimbabwe and I had spent a night at the Hotel California.
My hero as a child had been Paul Mkondo; that song from his money programme had been the theme song of my youth. He was everything I wanted to be, and so it was only natural that I associated the insurance business with money, and sought to make my fortune in that line. As an insurance salesman, I was successful because I had hit on the bright idea of sticking mainly to the small towns that most salesmen avoided. Not for me Harare and Bulawayo, or Gweru and Kwekwe, Mutare and even extended villages disguised as towns like Marondera. There were any dozen insurance sellers here. I frequently turned my Datsun Bluebird towards the small mining areas and tiny towns, not quite going to the rural areas, but skirting them, Kamativi and Karoi, Esigodini and Hwange.
I made a surprisingly steady sale; you would be amazed at the number of miners and small-town teachers in those days that had money stashed under pillowcases, and whom I managed to persuade to give a little of it to insurance. I sold protection in a suitcase, with just a signature on the dotted line, I secured futures, one copy for you, and two for the file. There was another bonus, the many lonely housewives I encountered. And there was nothing like driving the long lonely stretches of road with nothing but myself for company and the Bhundu Boys on the stereo.
On one such occasion, at about seven in the evening, I came to Kamativi. I thought I would surprise Mabel, one of my women. I had not seen her since I last came to Kamativi four months before this when her husband had been at his mine job. A bed for the night, and, if I knew Mabel, a half night of pleasure awaited me, and I was filled with anticipation. I scrounged around to see what I could bring her, and managed to find two warm bottles of lager in the boot of the Datsun. My condoms were in my briefcase as usual and I carried everything to the house, together with a couple of newspapers. That would have to do, and, parking my car, I made my way towards the house.
Even before I could knock, there was her husband, short in stature but large in suspicion. And behind him, Mabel, a tall woman, who seemed suddenly reduced, simpering and smiling and looking everywhere but at me. A woman with half a brain would have said I was an uncle, or a cousin, but she left me to my own devices.
I was left with nothing but my wits and ready tongue.
I am selling insurance, I said.
What kind of insurance is it that is sold in pitch darkness, he asked.
It is only that I know your wife, I said.
My wife, he said, how do you know my wife?
I mean to say, I met your wife, I corrected.
And where exactly did you meet my wife, he asked.
I was here earlier selling insurance, and she said she could not make such an important decision without you being here, and so I thought I would come later.
In the end, it was the newspapers that I carried under my arm that did it, it was Kwayedza, the local-language newspaper that always had an intoxicating mix of stories of witchcraft and adultery all delivered in the moralising tone that you associated with your oldest aunt. ‘Kitsi Yakapfekedzwa Sekacheche’, said the headline of the day, ‘Little Kitten Found Dressed as a Baby’, and I could see my woman’s man flicking his eyes towards it. I had a couple of other papers in the car, and I offered him these now, and also mentioned the two warm beers. This was all the oil that was needed to grease my way in. I had noticed before as I travelled to these remote parts of the country that the best way to a man’s confidence was to offer anything printed, a book, a newspaper, a Watchtower pamphlet. I had made many friends by simply allowing someone, sometimes as many as six people, to read a newspaper over my shoulder. His eyes positively glinted at the wealth I presented him, for in addition to Kwayedza, I had in my car the Daily Gazette, Parade and Horizon.
We sat outside and read in the light glowing from the windows. I offered him an Everest, he took it and we smoked and drank our two warm beers in silence. Mabel, in the meantime, had disappeared to a kitchen from which enticing smells were coming. After half the Kwayedza and three cigarettes, I thought it sufficiently safe to mention my itinerancy and asked where I could spend the night.
Anything would be better than another night in the cramped confines of the Datsun, I said. I would not even mind sleeping on the floor, ha, ha, ha.
Hotel California Bed and Breakfast is just half a kilometre from here, he said. He gave me such detailed and concise directions that I could only take the hint, and thank him for his trouble. I said my goodbyes, and turned my car in the direction indicated.
I could not see much of the hotel in the dark, but it looked more like an overextended house than a hotel. The sound of the car attracted a man who came to the door to greet me. Welcome, welcome, he said in Shona. Mauya, mauya kuHotel California.
This made me grin, of course, it reminded me of the Eagles song, and of the game that gave my brothers and me endless amusement as we translated the lyrics of English songs into Shona. And you know that once a song gets into your head, you can’t get it out. The Eagles played in my head almost the entire time that I was there, and for a good many days afterwards.
In the light of what passed as the lobby, I was able to take a closer look at my host. He had in his mouth a matchstick which he had probably been using as a toothpick. It was stuck between two of his teeth, and moved up and down as he talked. You are a very lucky young man, he said. I am full up tonight, but just for you, I can create a vacancy.
He took my money for the one night, pointed me to the toilet at my request, and said I was just in time for a hot meal; it would be served in the sitting room. He then led me to a room where five men sat on two sets of matching sofas in a check-check pattern. They made room for me, and I found myself squashed between two of them. The only thing on the walls was a portrait of the President, only this was taken in the days he was the Prime Minister and had not yet started dyeing his hair. It hung at a slightly crooked angle above the television which was turned on to the news. Inflation had risen to eight point eighty-five per cent in the last quarter, said the news anchor, but the Finance Minister had urged the public not to panic because there was no danger at all of reaching double digits.
Every minute or so, someone would get up to adjust the aerial and the picture would clear before going fuzzy again. I had not been seated for ten minutes before a young woman entered with the food. I watched her,
unsure as to which was more attractive to me at that moment, her firm breasts and bottom or the plates piled high with sadza, leaf vegetables and stewed pig trotters that she set down before us.
Now, I am not supposed to eat pork; my father’s family is of the mbeva totem, and according to their wisdom, the humble mouse and pig are somehow related, and I am not supposed to touch the meat of either. But I was hungry and the trotters smelled inviting. It would not be the first time that I disobeyed my ancestors’ edict, I reasoned to myself, and, promising a future libation, I laid aside my ancestors’ scruples and tucked in. I had no idea that pig feet could taste so good. Perhaps it was my wilful disobedience of my ancestors that caused what happened later.
By the time I had got to this point, my new friend had to slow down his car. POLICE AHEAD, said a sign. The good old boys in brown shorts and tunics, Harare’s finest blackmailers, had set up a police roadblock next to the intersection just after the national sports stadium. The car stopped and a smiling policeman came up to the driver’s window. He peered in and asked my new friend to switch on his indicator lights.
Everything was in order.
Wipers, he said.
They whirred silently.
The hooter, he said.
It gave a reassuring blare.
He beckoned over to two of his colleagues and nodded to them to stand behind the car.
Handbrake, he said.
The two policemen strained as they pushed the car from behind.
It did not budge.
Licence disc and driver’s licence, the policeman said.
My young friend had both, and the disc was still valid.
Tivhurireiwo kuback, vakuru, was the next command, and my friend obeyed and opened the tailgate. There was nothing more sinister in the hatch than a spare tyre which the policeman took out with great ceremony. He bounced it up and down on the road as if testing it before returning it to its place.
He peered to see whether I had my seatbelt on.
It rested securely against my chest.
He then looked into the back of the car.
And why are these three passengers not secured, he asked.
What law says back passengers have to have seat belts, I said.
Is this your car, vakuru, the policeman asked me, and to the driver, he said, You will have to pay a spot fine of one million each for these three unsecured passengers. As my new friend joined me in protesting, the policeman told us that we could discuss it further at the police station if we wished.
Unfortunately, he added, the station is rather busy at this time, and you will not be attended to for at least five hours.
My friend opened his glove compartment, took out three million dollars and paid the fine.
I have no receipt books, the policeman said, You know how it is, so many shortages, what with all these international sanctions against the country. You will have to come to the police station next week to ask for it.
He must be relatively new at this, I thought. An old hand would not even have bothered to make these excuses. He waved us on our way, and, after we had each paid our share of the money for the fine to our driver, he and the others urged me to continue my story.
After the meal was over, I asked the proprietor of the Hotel California if he had any beer. I was feeling generous after the meal, and thought I would treat my companions to a round or two.
We have only opaque beer, he said.
It was good enough, and soon we were all passing around a carton of Shake-Shake as we watched a football game that followed the news. The Hotel California began to take on a more pleasant aspect. We shared about six cartons in this manner, until, feeling tired, I asked for my bed. The matchstick man directed me to a bedroom. The blankets were not the fluffiest, nor were the sheets the cleanest; the whole looked like it had last seen soap and water in the days of Ian Smith, but I was too tired to care. I do not remember falling asleep, but I must have done so because I began to dream that there were sounds of moaning and laughter all around me. I suddenly woke up. It took a minute for me to remember where I was. I looked at my Sanyo, it was almost midnight. I remembered where I was. Then, through the walls came the sound of moans and laughter. It had not been a dream.
The moans came again.
Then laughter.
Moans.
Laughter.
There was a murmur of voices.
Then, Eh, eh, none of that funny stuff, said a woman’s voice.
I will pay more, said a man’s voice.
You do not have enough for that sort of thing, came back the response. The moans resumed. Despite myself, I was becoming aroused. The gentleman of the funny stuff was succeeded by a man, who, at the appropriate moment, shouted, hau madoda, hau madoda so loudly that I thought surely the entire hotel would hear him.
I found myself compelled to do what a man has to do when he finds himself in great need without a partner. But I was afraid of my host finding stains on his bedding. Besides, there was the unsavoury state of the bedding; I was pretty sure something would be fertilised. So I took out one of the condoms that I had hoped to use with Mabel, opened it and sheathed myself.
I no longer remember why I did this, but I also took off my clothes. I knelt on the bed and remembered the advice that my friend Robson had once given me; it is sometimes good, he had said, to use the left hand and rest the right – it will feel like you are cheating on yourself.
Indeed it did. I was about to do a hau madoda, hau madoda of my own when I heard the sound of footsteps leading to my room and the sound of my door opening. I dived under the blanket and pulled it up to my chin.
The door opened fully and in walked the proprietor of the Hotel California Bed and Breakfast. He switched on the light. I blinked and stared at him over the blanket.
You are still up, he said.
I nodded and smiled weakly and said nothing.
You said you were tired, he said.
Very tired, I said, and feigned a yawn.
I had a long day too, he said. It is probably because the days tend to be rather long at this time of year.
He stretched and yawned and talked on. It had been a dry year, he said. No rains at all this year. Would the rains ever come, he wondered. He did not know. No one knew for sure. Even the farming report could not be certain. Did I like Radio 2? He could not pass a day without listening to Kwaziso.
Even in my discomfort, I marvelled that the matchstick in his mouth still did not budge as he talked. A burst of laughter almost escaped from me but the urge to laugh soon ceased. With mounting horror, I watched as he took off all his clothes except for his underwear and got into bed beside me.
I was too startled to say anything. Under the blanket, I was naked but for the condom. I was suddenly aware of it – the smell of latex seemed to fill the room. I wondered that he did not notice it. I clutched the blanket closer. He reached for his share of it. I moved right to the edge of the bed, and lay there. He spoke. I pretended not to hear.
Meanwhile the sounds from next door continued, but I had ceased to care. I lay back until his breathing became even and I was sure that he was asleep. I eased my hold on the blanket, and as I did so, he shifted in my direction. I froze again. This continued for what seemed like half the night, until finally he began to snore, and I relaxed a little.
I must stay awake, I told myself, I must stay awake.
I woke up to find the sun in my face and my sleeping companion gone. I leaped out of bed and looked on my body for the condom. It was not there. I thought it might have got stuck to my back and craned and twisted my neck and felt for it, but to no avail. I shook the blankets and sheets. I shook my clothes. I shook the pillows. I even lifted the mattress and searched under the bed. I could only conclude that it must have slid off during the night and been picked up by my companion.
I put on my clothes, moved to the sitting room and tried to sneak out of the building to my car.
Good morning, said my bedfellow.
<
br /> He spoke from a corner where he sat dunking bread and margarine into a mug of tea. His matchstick moved with his mouth. I had enough wits about me to wonder whether it was the same one from the day before.
Good morning, I said, I must be off.
What about breakfast, he said, we offer bed and breakfast.
I must press on, I said.
Drive well, he said.
He grinned and waved.
I ran to my car and drove out of Kamativi like I had all of Legion’s demons after me.
By the time I had finished my story, my Prado friend and I had become firm friends. Muri vahombe, m’dhara, he said, You are really something. We dropped off the others and he insisted on buying me a drink. He even gave me back the million that I had paid him for the lift. I only got home well after seven that night – we ended up drinking first at Londoner’s then at Tipperary’s. He drove me home afterwards and we parted on the friendliest terms.
Shaky called me just as I was waving him off. I was in such fine spirits that I had almost forgotten the soured petrol deal.
Diamonds, m’dhara, Shaky said. I am with someone who knows someone who can get us into diamonds.
I walked into the house with the phone to my ear and listened as he talked about the diamonds that had been discovered in Marange and that would make us, him and me, rich beyond all our dreams.
Acknowledgements
The stories in this volume originally appeared as follows: ‘At the Sound of the Last Post’ in African Pens: New Writing from Southern Africa and in Prospect, under the title ‘Oration for a Dead Hero’; ‘An Elegy for Easterly’ in Jungfrau: Stories from the Caine Prize 2006; ‘Something Nice from London’ and ‘The Annexe Shuffle’ in Per Contra; ‘The Mupandawana Dancing Champion’ and ‘In the Heart of the Golden Triangle’ in the Weaver Press anthologies Laughing Now and Women Writing Zimbabwe. I am grateful to my first editors at these publications, particularly Will Skidelsky and Miriam N. Koitzin who took a chance on an unknown writer and set me firmly on this path.
An Elegy for Easterly Page 16
