Don reached for the wallet. The movement was clearly painful and he couldn’t reach. Olivia picked the wallet up and put it close enough to his hand for him to take it but Don’s hand closed around hers instead. With his other hand, he pulled the oxygen mask away from his face.
‘Thank you,’ he said softly. ‘Zac said he couldn’t have done this without you.’
‘Oh, I don’t know about that.’ Olivia was trying to keep her tone light as she extracted her hand. It was too much to cope with right now, knowing that that photograph was caught up in the middle of that physical contact. An image of herself, before she’d been betrayed by the man she’d loved so much. ‘But we did make a good team.’
‘I’m very lucky you were here, though. Not just because you saved my life.’
Olivia had to look away from what she could see in her father’s eyes. A gleam of something that looked like real joy. She had to clear her throat to get rid of the lump.
‘This should never have happened, you know,’ she told her father. ‘Peptic ulcer disease is very easy to manage these days.’
‘I know.’ Don held the mask up to his face again and closed his eyes as he took a couple of deep breaths. ‘I was stupid. Not for the first time.’
‘And it didn’t look like there was anything at all wrong with your pancreas when Zac did that ultrasound examination. By the time you’ve had a good check-up in hospital, I think you’ll find you’re not going to die anytime soon.’
Her voice wobbled at that point. She didn’t want to lose her father. To her dismay, a single tear escaped and rolled down the side of her nose just as Don opened his eyes again.
‘Oh, Libby...’
It wasn’t just the use of that old nickname, it was the wealth of love in his tone. Olivia wasn’t sure who reached out first, but the end result was that her father had his arms wrapped around her and she was back in an embrace she hadn’t felt since she was a child. And it felt...as if it could be as comforting as it had always been if she could just allow herself to trust it. And it felt as if it was really going to be possible to trust it and that just made her tears fall so fast she had to extract herself and pull a handful of tissues from the box on the bedside table.
‘So...’ she said into the silence that followed. ‘There you go. I’m glad you’re not about to die.’
Don’s smile was fleeting. ‘I was sorry to hear about Janice’s death,’ he said slowly. ‘It must have been hard on you, losing your mum.’
‘Yeah...it’s never easy losing a parent. Even if you’re not that close...’
It was possible that Don would interpret that statement as applying to himself but it didn’t. Looking back on her relationship with her mother, Olivia realised how distant they’d really been. That it had been a complicated dance of trying to win approval and affection. Her mother had never glowed with the kind of unconditional welcome that her newly found grandmother had displayed in the first minutes of meeting Olivia. Or spoken her name with the kind of love her father had when he’d called her “Libby” again.
‘It was a tragedy that she died so young. I hope... I hope that she was happy in her life in London, though...’
‘She was successful. A big name in a big city,’ Olivia told him. ‘And that made her happy, I think.’
Don simply nodded. He wasn’t about to criticise her mother, Olivia realised. Or say anything that might be unwelcome. Maybe this was actually an unspoken agreement between them to try and leave the past in the past and move on and, for a beat, Olivia could feel sorry for her mother, in fact. How sad was it that she wouldn’t have even recognised the rewards that could come from being part of a community like this because they were so different from the status and success that came from being the top of your field in a huge city? Had she really been happy with her life?
Was Olivia in danger of making the same kind of mistakes?
‘I wanted to contact you when I heard she’d died,’ Don added. ‘I picked up the phone. I started writing you another letter but... I wasn’t sure you would want to hear from me. I thought that it might be far too late. That you hated me...’
‘I don’t hate you,’ Olivia whispered.
Not any more. She had at one point, though, when that bewildered and sad child had grown into an angry teenager. It had been a relief to leave those teenage years and the anger behind and find a much emptier space that could keep her safe if she stayed within its boundaries. Hate and love were both intense emotions and they were more closely related than people realised. It was safer to stay in that safe space away from anything too intense and Olivia had managed to do exactly that, until she’d driven into this small town.
‘And it was about then that I noticed the first symptoms of the cancer I was sure I had.’ Don’s breath came out in a soft groan.
‘Are you in pain?’
‘A bit.’
‘On a scale of one to ten?’
‘About a seven. Maybe eight.’
‘I’ll top up your analgesia.’ It was a relief to have something medical to do for a few minutes. To check her patient and make sure it was safe to give him a higher dose of pain medication. To spend a minute making sure that she recorded everything on the paperwork that would go with him to the hospital.
The extra medication was enough to let Don sink back against his pillows with a sigh of relief. He closed his eyes.
‘They’re still there,’ he said, his words a little slurred. ‘The letters. In that box. Take them with you, if you want.’
* * *
Don appeared to have fallen asleep as he finished speaking because he didn’t stir when Olivia gently pulled his oxygen mask back into place. Her fingers touched his cheek as she did so and she found she had to swallow past another huge lump in her throat.
She had never stopped loving her father—she had just buried those feelings long enough to make them disappear. Was it really possible to tap back into the love that had been there in her earliest years? To make up for all those years that had been lost, even? An almost desperate longing was being balanced by fear, however. She would have to step out of her safe space and that would be taking a huge risk.
Was she brave enough to do that? If she went and got that box of letters, would she be brave enough to read them?
‘Liv?’ Her gaze flicked up to find Zac was standing in the door. ‘The chopper’s on its way. It’ll be here in thirty minutes. Can I borrow you for a bit? Debbie’s coming in to watch Don and I need your notes on his anaesthetic for the transfer report.’
‘Of course.’ But Olivia let her gaze rest on him for another beat before she moved.
Zac was still wearing the scrubs that he’d had on under his Theatre gown. He still had a line across his forehead where the elastic of his cap had been a little too tight and he must have fluffed up his hair to have it as rumpled as it was again now. He wasn’t smiling but there was a warmth in those gorgeous caramel-brown eyes that Olivia could feel right into her bones and it came with a tingle of the kind of excitement and joy she hadn’t felt since she’d been very young.
She had assumed that not feeling things this intensely was simply a part of growing up and becoming a sensible adult and it was a complete revelation that it could still happen. But it was also as scary and wonderful and confusing as the beginnings of reconnecting with her father. The only thing Olivia could be absolutely sure of in this moment was just how far she had already stepped out of any safe place.
There was no going back.
CHAPTER EIGHT
‘PROBLEM?’
‘No, not at all.’ Olivia eased herself into the seat behind the desk in Zac’s office. She had no problem with complying with the request to add to the report he was making on her father’s surgery. She’d just been a little disconcerted to sink into a seat that felt like it was still holding the warmth of Zac’s body because it was doing odd
things to her own body, like making her heart speed up and her breath feel like it was catching as that warmth in her belly became that distinctive tingle of desire.
‘I’ll just need five minutes,’ she added, taking a folded piece of paper from her pocket. ‘I’ve got my record of all the drugs I used during the anaesthetic and my monitoring of his vital signs.’
‘I’ll come back in a few minutes, then. Hit “print” when you’re finished. I’ll just check that Debbie’s still okay monitoring Don and that Bruce knows to clear any debris from the car park before the helicopter comes in to land. There must be quite a lot of broken branches after the winds we’ve had today. You planning to fly with him?’
‘No.’ Olivia shook her head. ‘I’ll keep in touch with his progress, of course, but Mabel will be going with him. I was only supposed to be away for a day so I’m already very late getting back to Auckland and it’s not as though I can just abandon my rental car here in the back of beyond.’
There was something odd in Zac’s expression but he turned away too quickly for Olivia to try and interpret it.
‘Of course not,’ was all he said as he left the office.
Writing a succinct medical report was easy enough to be almost automatic. The focus required still allowed for a part of Olivia’s brain to be trying to process other things. Like the confusion she’d been grappling with as she’d followed Zac to his office to do this task. That tumble of emotions that was undermining her ability to think straight. Joy. Fear. Excitement. Relief. Trust. They all felt too new and fragile. Bubbles of sensation that might pop if she tried to catch them to see if they were real. And that confusion that had just ramped up a little in the aftermath of that look on Zac’s face when she’d said she was already too late in getting back to Auckland.
There was an echo of Mabel’s voice in there somewhere, too.
‘You’ll always have a home here, you know, if you ever need a new one.’
But Cutler’s Creek was the last place she belonged in. Wasn’t it?
She hadn’t wanted to be here this long. So why did she feel as if she wasn’t ready to leave yet? Why did she feel as if all she wanted to do right now was go over to where that leather jacket was hanging on a hook on the back of the door? To put her cheek against the lining of that jacket perhaps and inhale deeply to find out whether there was any lingering scent of the man who’d been wearing it?
She had her chance to do that when she went over to the printer to see why the report hadn’t emerged, despite the sound of the machine working. A red light was flashing on the control panel and it appeared that the printer had run out of paper. Olivia was looking around to see where a new ream might be stored when the door opened right beside her and Zac stepped in so swiftly he almost collided with her.
‘Oh...sorry. I didn’t see you.’
‘No worries... I’m...ah...looking for some more paper for the printer.’
‘It’s there.’ Zac pushed the door shut behind him, nodding towards a shelf that had been partially hidden by the door. ‘I can do that.’
But they both moved at the same time, ending up even closer to each other, and, for the longest moment, it felt like time stood still. Olivia’s mouth went dry as she held her breath, remembering how they’d both moved together at the same time yesterday evening and ended up this close to each other. She was reliving that thrill of sensation she’d had when Zac had taken her wine glass out of her hand and that look in his eyes had told her exactly what was going to happen in the next few seconds. She just hadn’t known that that kiss would be the first move of a kind of lovemaking so amazing she would never have believed she would ever experience it.
The pull towards this man was so astonishingly powerful it was scrambling her brain completely. Like giving in to a human magnet, Olivia just wanted to press herself against his body. To lift her face and look into his eyes so that he knew just how much she wanted to kiss him. No...make that throw her arms around his neck and pull his head down so that she didn’t have to wait a second longer to feel his lips touching hers. To feel that heat and a taste that she would never, ever be able to get enough of...
But Zac made a strangled sound that could have been interpreted as irritation and Olivia froze as he moved around her to pick up the ream of paper and tear the wrapping open.
‘Bruce tells me that they’ve got one lane open in the gorge now.’ His voice sounded slightly hoarse, which was probably why Zac cleared his throat. ‘It’ll be a slow trip but you should be able to make it back to Dunedin today. Unless...’
Olivia’s heart skipped a beat. What was he going to suggest? That she might want to stay a bit longer?
He wasn’t looking at her as he opened a drawer of the printer and slotted the new supply of paper into place. ‘Unless you want to do something to really help your dad recuperate,’ he added.
‘How do you mean?’
‘We’ll probably need a locum if it’s going to take a while until he’s back on his feet properly.’ Zac still wasn’t turning to meet her gaze. ‘I thought maybe you’d like a chance to get to know your gran. Stay for her birthday party, maybe. You left your invitation in the procedures room, by the way.’
It felt like he was asking more than whether she would like a chance to get to know her grandmother. Was he offering Olivia the opportunity to get to know him better? Was Zac feeling something like the overwhelming connection to her that she had found with him? Was he afraid that the person he might have been destined to share his life with was about to walk out, never to be seen again?
‘I...can’t...’ The words came out as a whisper. It felt as if they were being dragged out because something was fighting that conviction.
You don’t really want to leave, a tiny voice was insisting in her head. Or was it her heart? You might think this is the back of beyond, and that you’d never want to live in a rural town, but that’s not true, is it? That sense of space that the mountains and land give you here doesn’t really make you feel intimidated, does it? It makes you feel free. You don’t need a crumpled photograph to convince you that your father has never really stopped loving you. Part of you has always wanted to believe that—you were just too scared to take the risk of finding out you might be wrong. And what about Zac? You don’t still believe there’s no such thing as love at first sight, do you?
Talk about having your head messed with. This was too powerful. It couldn’t be trusted. Or...maybe that was exactly what she needed to do.
Trust it.
She should have trusted her father more. Maybe she could trust Zac as well?
She wanted him to step closer. To take her into his arms and tell her that Auckland was not the right place for her. To persuade her to stay here, at least long enough to find out for sure whether there was something real about this fantasy she’d stepped into with Zac.
But he turned to collect the printed pages that were appearing in the tray so she opened her mouth to speak herself. To say that she’d need a couple of days to sort things out in Auckland but that she would come back just as soon as she could—if he wanted her to.
It was Zac who spoke first, however.
‘Don’t let what happened last night put you off,’ he said. ‘I can promise it wouldn’t happen again.’
Olivia froze. Why not? Could he dismiss last night that easily? Did he not even have the slightest desire for it to happen again?
‘Besides,’ Zac added, ‘I won’t be here much longer myself.’
* * *
He’d hurt her by being so dismissive.
Maybe it had been inevitable that she was going to be hurt but there was no relief to be found in the sudden distance Zac could feel between them. The way Olivia had been looking at him when he’d come into this office had made him doubt his ability to control what was going on in his head. He still wanted to drop this sheaf of papers he had in his hands and grab Ol
ivia’s shoulders. To close the physical distance between them and dip his head—to breathe in the scent of her hair and skin. To kiss her and then kiss her again and never bother coming up for air. To take her home and shut the door and make everything and everyone else in the world irrelevant for as long as possible.
The desire to do exactly that was just as bad as that momentary wobble he’d experienced in Theatre today. Or the way he’d acted so instinctively to protect Olivia when that plane wreckage had exploded. They were all signs that he was starting to feel things too much again. It wasn’t simply that he was risking opening the doors to flashbacks that could be terrifying in their intensity. He wanted to keep Olivia close. To say something that would persuade her to stay in Cutler’s Creek. The way he had persuaded Mia to stay for those extra few weeks? The extra weeks that had taken her life? He couldn’t live with that kind of guilt again. He knew what he had to do but, dear Lord, it was hard.
‘You’ve reminded me that there’s a lot more to life than an isolated place like this,’ he carried on. ‘I only ever came here on a temporary basis and I’m ready to get back to the real world. It’s time to move on. Another war zone, perhaps. They’re always short of volunteers and things don’t get any more real than that.’
He was thinking out loud, really, so it didn’t matter if no one else heard him but the silence coming from Olivia was so profound that Zac had to look up to make sure that she hadn’t somehow slipped out the office while he’d been collecting the printout of that report.
And then he wished he hadn’t looked up.
Those eyes...
For a horrible instant, Zac had a glimpse of what he could imagine Olivia had looked like as a child. When she’d believed that her father had walked out on her life without a backward glance. She looked lost. Bewildered. As vulnerable as it was possible for anyone to look. She’d look like that if she was being dumped. How crazy was it to feel like that was exactly what he was doing? But it had to be done. And done convincingly enough to make sure it was really done, for both their sakes. Giving in to the disturbingly intense emotional reaction he was having to this woman might only end up hurting her more. What if she stayed here because of him and she became unhappy? Or, worse, that something terrible happened to her? He couldn’t do it. It was too big. And it was too destructive when it went wrong.
Melting the Trauma Doc's Heart Page 11
