Flynn had kicked everyone else out.
Tank had put a glass of water on the table in front of him, but Brody didn’t even have the energy to pick it up.
“Okay, talk,” Flynn said. His tone was gentler than his words, but Brody could feel the alpha power rolling off him. “You’re in my territory, and whatever fucked-up shit is going on in your life, you brought it to me, so now it’s my business.”
Brody nodded. Even that small movement sent pain shooting through his skull.
Flynn was right, though. He owed them something, even if he couldn’t tell the whole truth. They’d seen enough that he couldn’t hide what he was anymore, and he didn’t want to try.
“All right,” he said. “I’m a fucking freak. I have this… thing… in me, underneath my real wolf.” He gave a harsh laugh. “I call it Monster Wolf.”
It was finally out. All these years it had been lurking inside him, and then for almost a year he’d been trying so desperately to stuff it back into its hiding place.
All for nothing.
“It’s some kind of mutant hulk killer wolf. It was dormant for years, but about a year ago, it started to try to push its way out. I’ve been holding it in, but lately…” He swallowed. “Lately it hasn’t been going so well.”
“Yeah, not so much,” Flynn said. “Last night… I don’t know how much you remember, but you were stuck between forms—human, wolf and monster. We had to knock you out for hours before you could settle in one form.”
Brody shuddered. Shifters who got stuck between forms usually died—the stress was too much for their bodies and brains.
“I was trying to keep it in,” he said. “Fucking Bastian and a bunch of Nashville bullies tried to take me down. Almost succeeded, and that’s what brought it out. But I knew if I let it take over I’d kill them all.”
“Too bad that’s not legal anymore,” Flynn said. He sounded like he meant it. Brody would have smiled if his head didn’t hurt so fucking much.
Flynn went on, “Where did this Monster Wolf come from? Were you experimented on?” His voice grew low and deadly. “Did Creston do this to you?”
“What?” Brody raised his head, wincing at the sharp spike of pain. “God, no. I stayed as far away from Creston as I could. If he’d found out what I was—if anyone had known—” He broke off. He’d never verbalized his fears to anyone. Never had anyone to tell. Even his dad never let him talk about it.
“I was afraid they’d tell the Council, and I’d be put down. Or they’d tell someone worse. There are underground organizations that experiment on shifters…” He broke off. “Shit, why am I telling you this? You know exactly what I was afraid of.”
Flynn growled low in his throat. So did Tank and Jasmin. “Yeah,” Flynn said. “Which is the only reason you’re sitting in this room right now, despite the danger you could bring on us. I’m opposed to that shit, and nobody has it happen to them if I can prevent it.”
Brody nodded. “Thanks,” he whispered.
“So, this is what the drugs were for?”
Brody’s head snapped up in shock, and he stared at Flynn. “How did you know about that?”
“Followed you to a buy,” Flynn said briefly.
Jesus fuck. “You had no right—”
Flynn cut him off with a wave of his hand and a shot of alpha energy. “Don’t even bother to get all outraged. I take care of my crew as I see fit. Anybody who needs fucking two thousand a week untraceable cash is into something I need to know about before I trust him inside my territory.”
Shit. No rules here but Flynn’s, clearly. “Quite the little dictator, aren’t you,” he muttered resentfully.
“I wish,” Flynn said. “These assholes still don’t do what I say half the time. That’s why I have to sneak around. But I ain’t apologizing, so fucking deal with it. Back to the drugs.”
“What?” Brody said. He couldn’t focus. “Oh. Yeah. This… mutation… I’ve had it since I was a kid. Then… something traumatic happened, when I was about six. I got enraged, and Monster Wolf came out and almost killed another kid. After that…” He broke off again.
He had to be careful here. After that, he’d gotten this scar on his face. After that, his mom had left. After that, nothing had been the same, even though everyone pretended like it was.
“After that, it was like it got shoved into this dungeon in my mind and the door was barred shut. It didn’t come out—didn’t even try. I was the most even-tempered bastard you’d ever want to find. Until about a year ago.”
“And then?” Flynn said. “Something must have triggered it.”
Something had—or rather, somebody had. But that was the secret that could never be told. Monster Wolf had already betrayed someone he loved, destroyed a life. He couldn’t do that again.
“I don’t know,” he said tiredly, dropping his head into his hands again. “But I started getting these headaches, like a railroad spike being driven through my skull. And then I would feel Monster Wolf trying to claw its way out, especially if I was under stress.” He raised his head again. “And yes, that’s what the drugs were for.”
He heaved a huge sigh. He was so tired. And he didn’t even want to see what Jasmin was thinking about all this. Knowing he was a freak—a potential crazed killer.
Not exactly boyfriend material.
“Look, I don’t want to drag you into this,” he said. “I appreciate what you’ve done, but as long as I need the drugs, there’s a chance that eventually they’ll lead rogue shifter hunters to me. They watch for that shit. I can’t do that to your crew. You’ve been through enough.”
He saw Jasmin’s head go up and her eyes widen, as she put some of the pieces together.
Flynn nodded. “Is that why you didn’t go to Idaho with Donnie?” he asked. “You didn’t want to leave your supplier?”
Brody nodded. It was as good a lie as any.
Flynn shook his head. “Ironically, you might have been better off there. Their new territory is right by the Silverlake pack, and Silverlake has people who specialize in handling this kind of thing. Out-of-control animals, white wolf powers, shifter brain damage…”
Brody stared at him. “White wolf powers? They study white wolf powers?”
Flynn frowned. “Yeah. One of our original crew members is a white wolf. He’s out there now, with his sister. That’s who Creston was coming after. You didn’t know that?”
Brody shook his head, and winced at the pain. “Donnie probably knew,” he said. “But I guess the rest of us didn’t get the whole story. All we knew was that Tyrone and Creston tried to take out Jesse Travis, while he was here with the Bad Bloods.”
His mind was racing. There were people who understood white wolves… people who studied them without hurting them.
Flynn said, “As soon as it’s a decent time of day in Idaho, I’ll call Tristan and talk to him about you. Maybe they can do something to help.”
His heart leaped, and then crashed again. It was like a tantalizing treasure dangled just out of reach. They couldn’t help him. The Silverlake pack were Enforcers, and if they knew the real truth, they’d have to tell the Council.
For the first time in his life, he’d been able to tell someone his story, and he was still fucking screwed.
Chapter 17
Brody was falling asleep again where he sat, so they put him to bed in Tristan’s old room, at the back of the cabin across from Tank.
Then Flynn, Jasmin and Tank went upstairs to Flynn’s office to Skype Tristan, while Sloan and Xander went over to the fight barn to pick up Brody’s car.
“I think he mumbled something about a spare key in the wheel well,” Jasmin told them.
Sloan gave her an insulted look. “You really think we can’t break into an old Chevelle within fifteen seconds?” he said. “Please.”
Xander just shook his head.
It was good to see Tristan’s face on the screen. Everyone in the crew missed his quiet presence—though not his frequent
bouts of crazy. Jasmin hoped he was doing better in Idaho, working with the healers there.
She hoped he could help Brody, and Brody would let him.
Flynn updated Tristan on Brody’s story. They already had told him about the drugs, and he had a few answers there—as well as more questions.
“The info the drug dealer gave you checks out, as far as it goes,” Tristan said. “Assuming he was telling the truth about what the compounds were, one is an aggression suppressor targeted specifically to the neurological systems that trigger certain areas of the brain only shifters use. Here’s where it gets weird, though. Another one is a memory suppressor, and a third is a memory enhancer we’ve used to help recover memories in people who’ve had theirs wiped, either by magical or chemical means. Why this guy would be trying to dig up memories and suppress them at the same time, I have no idea.”
“Maybe that childhood trauma Brody mentioned,” Tank suggested. “The enhancers to recover the memory, and then the suppressors to bury it again if it raises this Monster Wolf he talked about?”
“Maybe,” Tristan said. “Best way to tell that is to ask him.”
Yeah. Good luck with that. Jasmin had a feeling there was still a lot Brody wasn’t telling them.
By the look on his face, Flynn was thinking the same thing. “What’s the fourth one?” he asked. “The one he couldn’t get?”
“I talked to Rachelle and Mina,” he said, naming two of the Silverlake pack’s researchers he worked with. “Neither of them has heard of it, but from the description it seems like a more powerful memory enhancer. If it works, we’d all like to get our hands on some of it, to tell the truth.”
Two memory enhancers, and a memory suppressor.
“So he’s decided he’d rather remember than forget?” Flynn asked.
Tristan said, “Whatever he’s doing, he’s crazy to be doing it on his own. Is there any way you can convince him to come out here?”
No. He hadn’t gone before when he had the chance, and Jasmin knew in the pit of her stomach he wouldn’t go now, either. There was more to this story.
Flynn seemed to feel the same way. “Probably not. But I can’t keep him here the way he is. He’s a loose cannon, and I don’t know who his drug dealer is connected to. If hunters come for him—”
Jasmin bit her lips. She knew Flynn didn’t want to throw Brody under the bus, but she also knew he’d put the crew first. And Brody wasn’t one of them, no matter how she might be starting to feel about him.
Jasmin swallowed her pride. “Is there any way you can come out here and talk to him, Tris? Please? I know it’s only two days until Christmas, and you want to spend it with your sister, but… maybe after that?”
Tristan gazed at her, his eyes softening. “Sure, Jaz,” he said. “Sit tight. I might be able to get there sooner than you think. I’ll keep you posted.”
They ended the call. Jasmin was gripping the loft railing, staring out the windows that filled the peaked roof. It had started to snow, she realized. They were going to have a white Christmas.
Flynn was still sitting at the desk, staring unseeingly at the blank computer screen, his face dark and brooding. Tank looked from one of them to the other, sensing the tension in the air.
“I think I’ll just go downstairs and… do something,” he said, beating a retreat.
When he was gone, Flynn swung the desk chair around.
“What is this wolf to you, Jaz?” he asked. “Is he your mate?”
Jasmin turned around, startled. “What? No. Are you crazy?”
He couldn’t be her mate. Not a true mate, like Flynn meant. An instant, soul-deep destiny kind of mate. Jags didn’t do that. Jasmin didn’t do that.
Flynn said, “The two of you seem to care a hell of a lot about each other for people who’ve only known each other five days.”
Jasmin didn’t know what to say to that. She had no way to explain the explosive feelings she had for Brody, the physical effect he had on her. Not just sex, but that ache in her chest when he was hurt or sad. The need to make it better.
“Do you love him?” Flynn asked.
That was another impossible question. “I don’t know. You’re acting like I’m some kind of normal person with normal emotions, who has my life under control or some shit.”
Flynn gave a tiny shrug of acknowledgement. “That said,” he persisted, “any relationship that’s this intense in this short a time…”
“He’s not my mate.” Jasmin felt like her jag was about to panic. “Stop saying that. Jaguars don’t do that.”
Flynn gazed at her for a long moment. Then he said quietly, “Maybe they don’t. But maybe you do. Maybe that’s why you left them.”
He heaved his bulk out of the chair and walked downstairs, leaving Jasmin staring out at the falling snow.
Brody woke up a few hours later.
Jasmin had been sitting in his room, watching him sleep, watching the lines of pain and weariness gradually smooth from his face.
Did she love him?
How could she possibly know that? She didn’t even know what love felt like. If this rollercoaster of happiness, ecstasy, uncertainty and pain was love, she wasn’t sure she wanted any part of it. Only, the thought of being without him hurt more.
And when those gorgeous blue-green eyes opened and a smile lit up his face at the sight of her, Jasmin’s heart melted.
“You didn’t kill me after all,” he said. She shook her head.
“You scared me,” she rasped out. “I thought you were dead.”
“I’m sorry.” He gazed into her eyes for a moment, then held out his arms.
She couldn’t stop herself. She crawled into bed beside him, wrapping herself around him, the heat of his skin warming her all the way inside her heart. She pushed everything out of her mind except for the sweetness of his kiss, the hardness of his body, the way he needed her and wanted her and cherished her.
“You’re the most beautiful thing that’s ever happened to me, Demazon,” he whispered. “Let me love you, even if it’s just for a little while.”
They were in the room-sized shower in the bathroom, with its dozens of spray heads and steam heads and massagers, when Xander burst in without warning and tossed an entire bucket of snow all over them.
“Snow fight!” he yelled, and bolted.
Brody staggered against the wall, laughing like an idiot. Jasmin let out a yowl and bolted after Xander, turning jag as she went, and splattering water and slush all down the hallway.
Brody turned off the shower and wrapped a towel around himself, and followed the trail of water.
The crew was outside, Tank and Lissa in human form, throwing snowballs at each other and yelling at the tops of their lungs.
Jasmin pounced on Xander, rolling him over in the snow, and smooshed his face into a drift with her paws. He struggled out of it, sputtering and cursing, and reached down to make another snowball.
Sloan came bounding across the clearing in cat form and skidded to a stop, throwing snow in all directions and knocking Xander down again. He rolled over on his back, wiggling in an ecstasy of happiness, making Brody laugh.
Snow leopard. Right.
Behind him came Flynn. His lion was huge, tawny gold with a black mane, and he pounced on Tank, holding him down so Lissa could wash his face with snow, giggling madly. The two bears and Xander shucked their clothes, and then the whole pack was rolling and roughhousing in the snow, sending up clouds of powdery white.
Brody watched them, sadness welling up deep inside him.
This was the kind of crew he wanted to belong to. Hell, he already felt like he belonged to them.
But Jasmin was holding back. There was something in her that wouldn’t let her tear her walls down, accept that they were mates, love him with her whole heart.
If things were different, he’d keep annoying her cat with love and friendship so hard she wouldn’t be able to resist him. He’d lock his jaws and hold on with everything he had, neve
r giving up until he’d made her happier than she ever dreamed she could be.
But she was right not to love him. He knew she was his mate; she was it for him. But they couldn’t be together. He was going down, he knew that now. He’d lost his battle with Monster Wolf. He had to go, and take his secrets with him.
He watched her stalking Sloan, who was delirious with snow-fever. She paused, suddenly, and looked over at him, invitation clear in her eyes.
What the hell. No one could blame him if he wanted one perfect day before everything went to hell. He dropped his towel and shifted to wolf, and went to play in the snow with the crew he would never have.
Chapter 18
It was a perfect day, Jasmin thought.
The crew played in the snow most of the afternoon, then came inside and cooked dinner, Lissa talking about how Christmas Eve was tomorrow, and everybody had to get their presents under the tree, and if they didn’t fucking have their shopping done they better get the hell on it.
Brody was sweet and attentive and… well… boyfriendy. He did exactly what he’d threatened—sneaked food off her plate at dinner, kissed her under the mistletoe, took silly selfies of the two of them and used an app to make them look like photo booth photos.
She was surprised how good it felt. She felt her heart opening up, hope growing inside her. Maybe Tristan would be able to help Brody. Maybe he’d tell her whatever he was holding back. Maybe someday, if things worked out, they’d even talk about more—about him joining the crew.
It was a nice dream—until it shattered.
Brody had disappeared, saying he had a super-secret Christmas present in the car for her, and he had to do something to it in the bedroom before he could put it under the tree.
She didn’t realize at first how long he’d been gone.
When she finally went down to the bedroom to look for him, he wasn’t there. There was just a flat square box lying in the middle of the bed, wrapped in fancy red and gold paper, tied with fat gold cloth ribbon done up in a giant bow. Just the wrapping was beautiful, and Jasmin ached to hold it, to run her fingers over it and admire it before slowly opening it up.
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