by David Connor
I swam over to him, barely all the way in. One stroke, one frog kick and I was there. “F…f…f…reezing.” Yup, it was that cold. I was right in front of Aidan, crouching, my hands in fists in front of me, my neck muscles taught, my facial expression contorted.
He stood. “I thought you were gonna say ‘fuck’ again.”
I squinted to see him better with my 20/40 vision. “I didn’t say… Oh.”
“I’ve been a bad influence on you.” He rubbed my arms, shoulder to elbows. “Or was it Doc Barbaro? Did you say that word for him when he swallowed your cock?”
“I thought we were gonna stop that.”
“What?” He was still rubbing me.
“Talking about Dr… Nick.”
“‘Dr. Nick’, is that what you screamed out when you came?”
“Aidan.”
“Still jealous.” His hands rested now, but they hadn’t left my body. “Say it again.”
“Say what?” I stood.
“You know.” Aidan crouched, putting his mouth at my bull’s-eye. “Please and thank you? I’ll count you down.”
“Aidan...”
“Three.”
“Aidan...”
“Two.”
I shivered, and probably blushed. “Fuck,” I mumbled.
“Oh. Come on!” Aidan wasn’t satisfied. He splashed my chest, and then we circled each other like Sumo wrestlers or scorpions about to throw down.
“If you’re gonna say it, dude, man up and scream it. FUCK!” he bellowed, raising his head skyward. “FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!” He was like a little howling beast.
“Well I can hardly compete with that,” I told him.
The last word was hardly spoken when he grabbed me around the waist and threw into the water. Posturing was over. Aidan was the alpha scorpion. He’d made the first move, and now he howled and grunted, displaying his animalistic dominance. “I missed you so fucking much.” He said what I was thinking, and then he went under and tugged at my undershorts. Once his hand touched my genitals, forget the word, I was ready for the act. I didn’t offer much resistance, which maybe made it less fun. Aidan gave up rather quickly. Was he unsure? Was it time for teasing only?
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
Aidan swam to the side. He stood, and he screamed. “FUUUUUUUUUUCK!” He was hoarse by the end. His voice cracked, and his eyes were wet. He wasn’t messing around. “How come everything he said to me right before he died was ‘should’?” Aidan looked to the sky. “‘You should get your act together, Aidan.’ ‘You should find your purpose, Aidan.’ ‘You should make sure Matthew is a part of your life when you do, Aidan.’ Why all the shoulds?”
“Because he wants you to be happy.”
“Or because he thinks I haven’t done anything right so far?”
“No.”
“He died thinking I was a fuck-up, Kip. He died disappointed.”
“No.”
“Yes. He couldn’t think of one god damned thing to tell me he was proud of me for. He couldn’t think of one motherfucking reason to say ‘Good job, Aidan.’ Or ‘Awesome going that time you… something’. He made sure to tell me I’m not good enough for you. ‘Make Matthew a part of your life when…’ He prob’ly meant if. I want you in my life.” Aidan looked at me. “I have since last winter. You came. Kipster.” He said it as if Mr. Tough and Tatted was gone, as if Mr. Vulnerable was surprised that I did. “You came.”
“Of course I came. I… I wanted to see you sooner.”
“If I had answered my phone in the months in between, you’d have been mine instead of Doc Barbaro’s?”
I didn’t answer,
“But I’m a fuck up.”
“You were afraid.”
“I’m still afraid.”
“I’ll tie myself to your wrist.”
Once again, his smile was contagious. It made me happy when I brought it out of him.
“I love you.” It came from both of us. No lie; that time, we said it in unison. And then we kissed—for like, ten or fifteen minutes it seemed. I forgot how cold the water was. I forget about whatever the heck was brushing against my ankles or buzzing around my head. All I could think of was how much I cherished Aidan Asher, and how much I wanted to take him inside and make love to him. “I came out to my parents right before I left,” I said.
“Did you?”
“When I told my mom and dad where I was coming, Dad asked if you were homosexual. I called you a friend. He persisted. He’s so that way. ‘Yes,’ I said, ‘Aidan is gay. And guess what, so am I.’ It wasn’t the bravest way, but I did it. Dad told me I couldn’t come. He gave me a choice, an ultimatum. I picked you.”
“Dude.” Aidan shook his head. “That’s not good.”
The next thing I knew, he was out of the pond, up onto the bank.
“Wait.” I stood there, in thigh-high water. “What? I picked you.”
“It’s not a contest, Kip.” He turned around. He shook his head. “It can’t be them or me. It can’t be a choice, and if it is, you lost, ’cause I’m no motherfucking prize.” Then Aidan kept walking away.
6
Aidan grabbed a towel off a single string of clothesline rope between two trees and held it out to me. I climbed from the pond and took it, without a word. His expression was hard to read, even with my glasses back on. Arms overhead, he stretched his petit, naked body toward the sun, as if saluting it. He shook out his own towel, sat, and then swigged the rest of his warm brew in three consecutive gulps. “Aah!” Except for that, he still didn’t speak. I blotted at my transparent boxer briefs a while. It made them only slightly less so. When I tried to lay my towel out a fair distance away, Aidan grabbed it and pulled it closer. I had to straighten it a second time, but I happily took the hint that he wanted me near him. I settled with my head on his chest. Only because his waterproof time piece was in my line of vision did I notice it was three whole minutes before he finally spoke. “Go back to Barbaro.”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“We don’t wanna get back together.”
“You don’t or he don’t?”
“I love you.”
“Maybe he’s better for you. Maybe your parents would think so.”
“I don’t—”
“I’m not going to be responsible for that… for messing up your family relationships.” As soon as he’d said the words, he turned a little. His tan body molded itself into the side of my paler one. He laid his arm across my belly and toyed with the hair sticking out of the top of my damp underpants. He was sending me away, but getting closer. It was Psych 101 in action. “Spun gold,” he said. “I like this.”
“My hair?”
“And snuggling with you.”
“I like it too. And you’re not messing up anything,” I argued. “It’s my choice.” I thought about that a second. “Actually, it’s my father’s.”
“It’s not an easy road. Between moments of stubborn asshole-ishness is a whole lotta missing what you ain’t got.”
“You can make up with your father, you know? He’s already admitted he screwed up.”
“This ain’t about me,” Aidan said.
“It’s about us, I thought.”
“There isn’t going to be an ‘us’, Kip.”
“Aidan…” I sat up to object. Just because I understood the mentality of it, that didn’t mean the mixed messages weren’t frustrating. “You just—”
“Don’t say anything. Let me tell you.”
I settled back.
“Barbaro must have told Grampy about you somewhere along the line—the hot genius gay tutor with the dorky, sexy smile. Maybe he told him he wanted to fuck you.”
I winced.
“Somehow, Grampy talked Barbaro into setting you up with me. ‘I convinced Nick you were a good guy, despite what he knows firsthand.’” He’d done it with an impression of his Grampy’s voice not too far off from what I could recall. “Hard to hear, right? It was when I he
ard it. The one guy who thinks the most of me didn’t think much. With almost his last breath, Grampy says to me, ‘Don’t make me wrong. If you can’t be good enough for Matthew, let him go.’”
“Matthew.”
“That’s what he called you. That’s what I called you when I talked about you with him. We didn’t get to talk much after you became Kip.”
“Oh.”
“I wish he could have known you as Kip. Is that weird?”
“No.”
“I wish he’d have had more faith in me.”
If Dr. Wise actually said all that, I could see how it would hurt. “What else did he say?” I asked.
“That he loved me.”
“See.”
“I never doubted that. That’s way fucking different than thinking I’m a good person, though.”
“It only matters what I think, Aidan, not anyone else.”
“And me.”
“In this case, yeah, I guess.”
Aidan moved his hand away from my tummy. “Maybe you should go home.”
I sat up. “Because you want to be right?” I asked with a hint of anger. “You want to be able to say, ‘See, you left me, Kip, like I knew you would. I’m all alone, again. It’s all your fault.’”
“That’s what you think I sound like?”
Apparently my impression of Aidan was not so spot-on. “Well, I’m not doing that,” I said. “If you want me to go home, say ‘Get the fuck outta my house.’” I waited. “Say it.”
He didn’t.
“I don’t want to leave, Aidan.”
He shrugged. “Then don’t.”
“What if…” I picked up his hand. “What if your grandfather gives you a sign—a definite, no-doubt-about-it-sign—by, say, Christmas Day. What if he sends some sort of message that he thinks you and I should be together?”
Aidan pulled away from me. “Sure, Kip, like that stuff is real.” He stood.
“What if it is?” I stood too and reclaimed his hand. “I believe in them.”
“I don’t.”
“What if?”
“Okay. Sure. Fine, Kip. But it’s gotta be more than that. The drinking, a career, shit with my dad, shit with your dad, we figure all that out, plus get a sign from Grampy… it’s on. Tarot cards, cloud formation, even a dream… I don’t care what form it takes. If all my issues are settled and I somehow miraculously believe Grampy has given his blessing, well, Kip, I’ll fuck the living daylights out of you on Christmas morning… and love you every motherfucking day afterwards. Good luck,” Aidan said. “But don’t burn any bridges with Barbaro, just in case.”
“It’s going to happen.”
Aidan reached for my chin. “I hope so.” He stretched upward to kiss me. “I’ll be on the lookout.”
I watched him walk away. It was still sexy, but my mind was somewhere else. “You heard him,” I said to the clouds. “You better get on it.”
We spent much of the rest of the afternoon avoiding one another. We both took naps—in separate beds. And though I felt like an unwelcomed houseguest at times, I was determined to hold my ground. Dr. Wise from Beyond, for some reason, was suddenly uncharacteristically mute. I wondered if I’d been suffering from a delayed reaction to highway fumes. I had traveled most of the way with the windows down, so maybe the pollution had affected my brain. There was scientific evidence such was possible. If that was the case with me, I was screwed.
Aidan made the most delicious pasta dish for dinner. As we sat across from one other at the table we’d had vicarious sex all over with the pastry bag, he opened up. “Look, I know that some of this shit storm is in my control. I want to be with you. I want to be worthy. So, I’m gonna, like, put forth some effort, ya know.” He hoisted the bottle of beer he’d brought to the table. It was symbolic, I figured, since it still wasn’t open. “I’m sorry I’ve been sending mixed signals. I’ll try to stop touching you and taking my clothes off. I’m really sorry I was a jerk and told you to go.”
“I’m sorry I was one and refused.” Our knees touched under the table. Once again, they were getting more action than the rest of my body. “Actually, I’m not.”
“Good. And I probably won’t stop taking my clothes off, either.”
“I’m cool with that.” We exchanged red sauce smiles.
“I invited my dad over for dessert,” Aidan said.
I nearly dropped my fork. “You did?”
“Yup.”
“Wow.”
“Well, we have a whole cake.” He shrugged. “Besides, I gots my wingman to referee.” Aidan took a huge bite of linguini and then talked with his mouth full. “You’ll, help me act wike a gwown-up, wight?”
“I’ll try.”
“The alcohol fing… dat’s news to me.” Aidan swallowed. “I don’t know. Maybe Aaron mentioned it before and I didn’t listen. Maybe I don’t listen too much.”
I waited for Dr. Wise to pipe up. Nothing.
“He cleaned up his act.” Aidan wiped his mouth. “He deserves some credit, I suppose. Maybe I can clean up mine.” He shrugged again. “Anyway, the whole gang’s coming. All the kids too. I guess they’re not really kids. One has a six-year-old.”
“‘Uncle Aidan’ has a nice ring to it.”
“Feel free to yell it when I make you— Oh. Never mind.”
The Asher clan arrived around eight. Everyone oohed and aahed over the outdoor décor. Aidan had gone all out. There was a giant inflatable Santa and sleigh, a snowman, lights around everything, and a huge tree he must have climbed to decorate. The only thing there were more of than lights were Ashers, it seemed.
They’d continued the A thing. Aaron Asher’s second wife was named Anne. Their children were Albert, Abigail, Ainsley, and Augustus. Albert’s wife was Kylie. Abigail’s husband was Andrew. Poor Kylie was a misfit. Then again, so was I. Ainsley’s son, Alec, was into all things solar system. His black T-shirt featured a rocket blasting off into a sea of silvery stars. He carried a stuffed globe around, cuddling it against himself as if it was an earth-shaped teddy bear. It was adorable and also very touching, as I couldn’t help but think he’d somehow maybe inherited something from a man he wasn’t even related to.
Augustus and I took a walk down by the pond when things got a little too loud at the house—not angry loud, but raucous. Augustus was only seventeen, and very shy.
“Dad talks about Aidan all the time, how independent he is, how confident, strong-willed, and unafraid,” he said.
I couldn’t wait to tell Aidan, and I agreed. “He’s all those things for sure.” He was, except in matters of the heart, and when he was hurting.
“Dad says I should be more like him.”
“I hope you can get to know him better while you’re here.”
“Me too.”
We hung out a little longer down by the water. I thought back to how close I had come to having Aidan’s mouth on me there, and then decided that wasn’t a proper thing to be thinking about in front of a minor. I looked into the sky and tried to recall the names of stars and constellations. I must have bored poor Augustus. He probably felt like he was back in school, because he suggested we go back right after I pointed out Polaris.
Aidan was slicing the porno cake when we walked through the kitchen door. “Guess what I got, Alec,” I came in just in time to hear.
“What?” Alec asked his Uncle Aidan.
“Actual moon rocks,” Aidan told him.
“Cool!”
“Totally! My grampy got them when he worked at NASA. I’ll give you a little piece that broke off one, how about that?”
The kid’s face lit up like the front of the house.
“Grab some plates, someone. They’re over the sink.” Aidan pointed with the knife. Ainsley was closest. She opened the cupboard and gasped. “What?” Aidan asked her. “Bugs?”
“No. The Shelf Elf startled me.”
“How’d he get in the closet?” Aidan asked.
“They move around by themselv
es!” Alec said excitedly.
“That one must have.” Aidan took the plates. “I had him on the windowsill.”
I kept my mouth shut.
We settled in on the sofa once everyone had gone. My back was against one leather arm, and Aidan’s back rested against me. The AC was on full-blast, which made it nice. The tree was beautiful, even without the star lit up. “The lesbian’s an alcoholic too.”
“Ainsley?”
“You kept track of everyone’s name?” Aidan asked.
“Mostly. The youngest one, Augustus, your dad told him he should be more like you.”
“He should be like himself.”
“Yeah. But your dad said your strong will, confidence and fearlessness are admirable.”
“Except when he calls it arrogance and pigheadedness.”
“Well, dads are like that, right? They like us to have a backbone until we stand up to them.”
Aidan offered one of those one-breath-guffaws. “True that, I guess. Who’d a-thunk Aaron could come up with more good stuff to say about me than Grampy?”
I drew Aidan closer. I hugged him tight, my chin atop his head. “Stop that.”
“Have you spoken to yours?”
“No. I sent an ‘I got here safe’ text. My mom wrote back and told me to have a good time.”
“She’s cool with us?”
“She’s cool with me being whatever I am. My dad, not so much.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Tell me about your family.”
“Ainsley’s been dry three years. Dad’s got six,” Aidan said. “Both had longer, but fell off the wagon.”
“Oh.”
“His dad, him, me, her, all drunks. Predisposition… did we learn that in biology class?”
“Yeah.”
“One minute, I’m really pissed he didn’t just quit when my mom died, and the next, I get not being able to. They fought about it all the time, he said.”
“Do you remember any of that?”
“I guess I do, if I try. I definitely remember them fighting. I probably didn’t pay a lot of attention to what the topic was.” Aidan looked up at me. “I have a drinking problem, Kip.”
