But it wouldn’t be the same in a hospital setting, even if the women’s center had birthing rooms they’d designed to look like bedrooms. It wasn’t home, and Ivey could see Marissa’s point.
Being an employee of the hospital would mean that Ivey would be used for more than one function and maybe more than one patient at a time. It was in the economy of health care. Time spent waiting for nature to take its course might not fit into the natural ebb and flow of the hospital.
From the kitchen window, Ivey saw the bright headlights of a car pull up the driveway. The Fosters were private people, and they hadn’t invited any extended family to the event. They weren’t expecting anyone.
Ivey made her way to the front door to discourage any eager friends or relatives from coming any further when she noticed Jeff. One look at him, his purposeful stride towards the house, and she realized something had changed. It was in the set of his jaw and in the way he held himself like a tightly wound cord. In an instant she knew.
She rushed to meet him on the front lawn of the home. They couldn’t do this. Not here, not now. She needed a minute, or another month. Another year. She wasn’t ready, even after all this time.
“We need to talk,” Jeff said.
“Now’s not a good time.”
“Then make it a good time, because this isn’t going to wait.”
“It has to wait. I have a patient—”
“What did you do with my child?” He took another step toward Ivey, the heat of his anger nearly emanating off of him in waves.
Oh, not this. She’d wanted to spare him all along. Maybe she’d been selfish, or maybe she’d been selfless. Either way, Jeff was about to hurt in places he didn’t even know existed and all because of her.
“Answer me!”
The emotion she heard in his voice mixed in with the anger turned her answer into a strangled sob. “There is no child. I had a miscarriage.”
He flinched like he’d been slapped, and his body seemed to cave in a little at that answer. “Why?”
She realized that he wasn’t asking why she’d lost the baby. It was a bigger why. He wanted to know why she’d never told him.
“You didn’t want me anymore. If I told you, I knew you would have done the right thing. You would have married me, and you didn’t want to get married. Not then. I have enough pride to want to be married because someone loves me, not out of some sense of obligation.”
“So this was all about you? No—you made a decision for both of us. And you didn’t have the right to do that.”
Those words were like bullets hitting her heart. Yeah, she had no right, but she’d done it anyway. “You wouldn’t be a doctor today. You might have had to drop out of school.”
“So you did it for me?” The tone in his voice left no doubt that he didn’t believe her for a second.
“For you and for me. I was going to tell you someday.” The words sounded so empty, so false. Because they’d been the words and thoughts of a scared and stubborn twenty-year-old who didn’t know any better. Who wouldn’t listen to what anyone else told her.
“Some. Day.”
“If I’d given birth, I would have told you. Eventually. I would have let you be a part of our baby’s life.”
He slashed a hand through his hair. “Would you? That’s really big of you.”
He moved another step toward her, closing the distance between them.
“Look, I get that you’re mad. But this is not the time or the—”
“Mad? Ivey, what you did went so far over the line that the line is a dot in the distance.”
“But—I did it for you. You had our lives planned out, and the baby didn’t fit in.” Why couldn’t he see the noble sacrifice she’d made so that he could finish school without complications? What about that?
“We made love tonight. What if you’d gotten pregnant? Would you tell me this time or would you walk away again?”
“That’s not fair. Of course I wouldn’t. It’s different.”
“What’s different? I loved you then, and I love you now. I don’t care about any of the details. We would have worked it out.”
With one swift move his right hand pulled her forehead to his own and held it tightly in place. She felt the strength of his anger, barely restrained and bubbling beneath the surface. But it was the tears forming in his eyes that caused another sob to hitch in her throat.
“I’m sorry.”
“You. Had. No. Right.”
He released her and stomped back to his car, taking off without another look in her direction. She stayed rooted to the spot on the Foster’s lawn, right near the azalea bush. Wondering as she watched Jeff drive off if those were the last words he’d ever say to her.
Turned out that no one thought having their choices removed was any kind of favor, Jeff included. She ought to know that better than anyone. Wasn’t she fighting so that women could have more choice in a hospital setting? And yet she hadn’t given Jeff a choice.
It only now dawned on her how much she’d hurt him, and how much she still loved him.
“Miss Ivey?” It was Derek, calling out to her from inside the screened front door. “You okay?”
Ivey kept her back to him as she wiped the tears away, and squared her shoulders. “I’m fine.”
“I thought I heard shouting.”
She turned to see the concerned look of a Daddy-to-be, already in full-fledged protective mode. He’d be a good dad.
Like Jeff would have been.
And suddenly Ivey couldn’t breathe. Maybe this was why she hadn’t wanted to come home for so long. Why she’d stayed away. She’d already lost enough, hurt enough, and cried enough.
But not with him.
The only person who’d ever said anything that made any sense was Babs, who after the miscarriage had told Ivey that no one but the baby’s father would fully understand her grief. But she hadn’t shared that with him. She hadn’t shared it with anyone.
Everything had been all right while she pretended, while she kept the truth locked away safely in her heart.
“Miss Ivey?” Derek stood at the door, and it didn’t look like he’d be going back inside anytime soon.
Ivey swallowed back a sob. “It was a big misunderstanding.”
The width and span of which might be too great to ever get over.
*****
Jeff drove because he had to keep moving. If he didn’t move, he would have to hit something. Hard. He had to get away from Ivey, because he was too angry to talk any more. Too hurt to try to understand. Like a lighthouse to a ship, the hospital beckoned. The best thing to do after a shocking, life-changing event had to be something normal. Routine. That’s what he needed right now.
And he still wanted to check on Frank. When he’d dropped by earlier in the day, Frank had been out of his room for more tests. Jeff still wanted to know what he’d missed. In the ER he’d run every test he could think of and come up with nothing. Somehow, though, he’d missed it. Frank had a heart condition.
He took the elevator up to the cardiac wing of the hospital and asked the night shift nurse for Frank’s room number. By now he was under the care of a specialist, and maybe Dr. Bryans would have some answers.
Jeff ran into Dr. Bryans in the hallway. “How’s Frank Sullivan? I came to check on him.”
“He’ll be fine. Thanks to all those tests you ran on him, I had a basis of comparison. He’s healthy for the most part, but his heart shows some cardiomyopathy, probably from the undiagnosed arrhythmia. You never caught it on the EKG, so it’s probably paroxysmal. Something his regular doctor should have caught with a twenty-four hour Holter monitor.”
“He didn’t seem to have a regular doctor.” Something Jeff should have pressed Frank on. Should have demanded to talk to someone at the assisted living center or a relative and make sure they followed up.
“Yeah, that’s what he told me.” Bryans grabbed the elevator. “Not to worry. He’ll be fine.”
Jeff w
asn’t fine though. He’d had Frank in the ER for a few hours at a time, sometimes several times a week, and he’d still missed it. Sometimes if you turned your head for a second you could miss so much.
More and more it appeared emergency medicine wasn’t for him. He wanted, needed, to be more involved in the outcome.
Ivey had denied him that, but no one else would ever again. He should have been there for her, in those days when she would have been scared and alone. When he might have made a difference. Or not.
But at least he would have been there for her, for their baby. She hadn’t given him that chance, maybe because she didn’t trust him enough. Couldn’t trust that he’d take care of her, because no else ever had. And she didn’t believe he loved her. Not enough.
And whose fault is that, idiot?
Jeff sat on an empty chair beside Frank’s bed for several minutes until the man’s eyes fluttered open.
“Well, hot damn. My favorite doctor.”
“Thought you might want to see what I look like without a stethoscope around my neck.”
“No bags under the eyes, either. Doc, have you been relaxing?”
“Something like that.” He supposed he’d been happy, for about a nanosecond. And Ivey had something to do with it, like as she had everything to do with his misery now. “I did have a couple days off.”
“Just what I ordered.” Frank winked.
“You’re going to be okay,” Jeff reassured him. “Now that we know what’s wrong, we can fix it.”
“What about you? Can we fix what’s wrong with you?”
“I’m fine,” Jeff closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Or he would be anyway. Someday.
“If you say so, Doc. But if I promise not to come to the ER any more, will you promise you won’t always be here? I’d like to think of you, young as you are, enjoying life.”
“Why? Work is a good thing.” It was all he would have now, and maybe all he’d ever need.
He’d see about switching specialties soon, maybe cardiology or pediatrics. Something in which he could be around for the duration. Witness the outcome. He’d have to start over again but that was okay. Ivey had done it, and so could he.
“Work is great, it’s just not enough. No lie, trust me, it’ll never be enough.”
Jeff didn’t believe him. For years now, medicine had been front-and-center in his life and he hadn’t questioned it. Not until Ivey had come back to town and sent his hormones into overdrive. “Let’s talk about you. Do you have any family? Someone who can be here with you?”
“I have kids, but I hate to bother them.”
“How many?”
“Six.” Frank grinned. “I was a busy man in my youth, Doc.”
“Yes, you were. I’m sure they’d want to know what’s going on with you. Did someone call them?”
“I have my oldest son on the contact list. He’s flying out from Utah.” Frank sighed. “He won’t be happy.”
“I’m sure he’s worried.”
“It’s not that. He works all the time. Anyway, I can’t complain because his salary pays for the prison—I mean the assisted living center. Because you know, I’m too old to remember how to turn off a stove. Might burn the place down.” Frank rolled his eyes.
They continued to talk about Frank’s family and kids for several minutes. It turned out Frank was a widower, and he still got teary mentioning his wife’s name. After about half an hour, Frank’s eyes were at half-mast, and Jeff decided he’d tired him out enough.
“Rest, Frank. I’m glad you’re going to be okay.” Jeff patted his arm and rose to leave.
On his way to the parking lot, he saw Lillian leaving. She caught up to Jeff, and they walked out to the lot together.
“Thanks to your and Ivey’s recommendation, the board agreed to hire one midwife to start the trial. We’ll see how it goes from there. I want to thank you. You had an open mind, and I appreciate that.”
“Thank Ivey. She’s persuasive when she wants to be.” And a good liar too.
“Do you think she’s still interested in the position?”
“You should call her.”
“I will. I don’t want to lose her.” Lillian waved as they parted ways.
He hadn’t wanted to lose her either, but it seemed inevitable now. He’d lost her a long time ago.
He couldn’t go home, so he drove out of town and back again. Then wound up where he should have all along.
Ali opened the front door. “Providence. That’s what this is. Pure and simple providence. Bob is working late and Becky won’t go to sleep. Here, you take Liam, and I’ll go in and hold her down till she falls asleep.”
He must have given her a weird look, because she shook her head. “I’m not really going to hold her down.”
“I didn’t think so, Ali.”
He carried Liam to the couch, plopped him down, and sat next to him. Liam was two and didn’t like Jeff much. Or at least it always felt that way, because Liam didn’t say a peep around Jeff, and word out on the street was that Liam had learned to talk. Jeff and Becky were pals, but for Liam, it seemed like the jury was still out. Jeff couldn’t blame the kid since they didn’t see each other often enough.
Liam, pacifier firmly stuck in his mouth, scrambled off the couch and handed him items from the coffee table. The remote control, a deck of cards, every single coaster on the table. Was he supposed to hold everything the kid gave him? Jeff set things back on the table, but no sooner had he done that but Liam was handing them back to him. The kid was on some kind of mission to unclutter the coffee table.
Finally he picked up a magazine—Ladies’ Home Journal—handed it to Jeff and climbed in his lap, where he proceeded to flip each page with the finesse of an orangutan.
“Don’t worry, kid. You’ll get those fine motor skills.”
Liam looked up at him, brow furrowed, like he questioned Jeff’s sanity.
When Jeff started reading the Oil of Olay ad out loud to pass the time, Liam actually snuggled up to listen.
“Erases fine lines and wrinkles.” He kept reading, and Liam kept getting limper in his arms. So this was the secret. Bore them to sleep.
Kids weren’t so difficult. He didn’t know what Ali was always whining about. Liam’s soft blonde hair brushed against Jeff’s chin and the smell of Johnson’s Baby shampoo brought back a childhood memory.
He wondered if he and Ivey would have had a boy or a girl. Whether it would have hurt any less to know when she’d miscarried, instead of being blindsided now.
“Bless you. He’s asleep. How’d you do it?” Ali whispered, lifting Liam out of his arms.
“Oil of Olay.”
Ali made a face. “I never understand your jokes.”
The story of his life. When Ali came back, she had a glass of wine in each hand.
Now it was his turn to be grateful as she handed him the glass of chilled white wine.
“Chardonnay, Clos La Chance 2011,” Ali said by way of explanation and because she often fancied herself a wine connoisseur. “It’s not bad. To what do I owe this unexpected visit? Did they finally decide to give you a day off?”
“Something like that.”
“Well, why don’t you look happier? Wait. Let me take a wild guess. Ivey.”
“You have no idea.” And then, because Ali was his big sister and he didn’t currently owe Ivey a lick of loyalty, he told Ali everything.
She didn’t speak for a moment. Maybe she was also thinking about the fact that in a different outcome, he’d have a child Becky’s age. Then Ali’s eyes watered, which made his stomach clench some more. “I’m so sorry. What a lousy way to find out.”
“Why didn’t she tell me? Maybe you can do me the favor of explaining womankind to me. You are my sister, and I did let you have my ice cream cone that one time you dropped yours because you’re such a damn klutz.”
Ali rolled her eyes. “I can’t explain womankind to you, because even I don’t always understand women. W
e’re all different, and contrary to what you men think, there’s no secret handshake. You and I both know that Ivey had a lifetime of keeping secrets, protecting those she loved. It doesn’t seem like such a stretch to think she’d try to protect you too. Yeah, it was lousy and it was wrong, but the truth is I kind of understand.”
“I can’t believe you’re defending her.”
“I’m not defending her. I hate what she did. But I said I understand why she did it.”
“She didn’t have to do me any favors. Didn’t she think I could handle being a father? Is that how little she thinks of me?” He heard the sound of his own voice, sounding like a stranger’s. Angry. Bitter. Hurt.
“Shhhh, you’ll wake the kids. You’re going to make a great father someday, weird jokes aside. But you weren’t ready to be a father back then. Think about it. I actually recall you saying the words ‘I’m dying here.’ You didn’t have time to come home for the weekend, what makes you think you had time to be a father?”
“Ouch.” Ali had a way of cutting to the heart of the matter.
“I’m not kidding. This is my life.” She waved a hand, spanning the room. “I’m deliriously happy to be having a glass of wine at nine o’clock and some grown-up conversation. Do you know what I found the other day? Do you?”
“I have a feeling I don’t.”
Ali got closer, ruffling her hair and pointing to her scalp. “There! See that? Can you believe it?”
Ali had always been a bit dramatic. Mom was right about that, come to think of it. “I don’t see anything but hair. What am I looking for?”
“My first gray hair! Can’t you see it?” Ali continued pointing to her scalp.
“One gray hair? How am I supposed to find it?”
“I’m thirty-two years old and I have my first gray hair. Found it right after Liam was born.” She sat back down on the couch, smoothing her short brown hair back into place. “That is what kids will do to you.”
“I don’t care about gray hair.”
“See, you would have as a medical student with a wife and child. You probably would have a full head of gray hair when all was said and done.”
All of Me Page 12
