by Natti Ronel
I’ve often suggested to people that they should stop complaining, if only for a short time. Commit themselves to total abstinence from complaints. It was interesting to see the reactions -- some were genuinely shocked. If we stop complaining -- what’s going to happen? As if a complaint rescues them from something liable to hurt them. There were even some who took the view “I complain -- therefore I am!” And if they give up complaining, then who are they? There are a great many excuses for continuing to complain. Anyone who really wants to will carry on complaining, but when people take it on themselves to abstain from complaining -- even if just for today -- something happens to them. The first thing is that the very attempt to give up complaining shifts identification from the complaint to the attempt to stop it. The second thing is to feel how deeply the complaint is embedded in our consciousness, infiltrating into almost every thought or word or subject. It’s also infectious. One person complains, and another responds to the complaint and adds something of his own, as if a multiplicity of complaints is somehow comforting. On the other hand, it’s nice to see how the moment we abstain from complaints, or to be more accurate, abstain from identification with complaints and with the idea of complaining, something in us is liberated. The grip of self-centeredness, from which complaints originate, is eased a little for us.
How do people stop complaining? As with the other tools -- it’s possible at the end of the day to keep a record of complaints -- when did I complain today? When did I refrain from complaining, although I was tempted? A regular list made out with sincerity creates a change; we become accustomed to studying ourselves from the side, without identification and without complaining about ourselves.
In abstinence from complaints, the intention is not to identify with them and not to manufacture them in the consciousness to no purpose. Of course, if there’s something that’s harming us, and it needs to be changed, it’s very much worthwhile changing it, and if necessary, making sure that somebody does what needs to be done to prevent harm to us, to someone or to something else. For example, if a neighbor encroaches on our territory, we’ll do everything that needs to be done to stop his incursion. But at the same time, we should try very hard to do so without complaints in the heart, because as we’ve said before, his incursion isn’t a personal matter. It can be seen as a matter that needs to be arranged in a way that will be advantageous for all concerned, no more. Seeing it in this mode makes the business itself easier to work out.
Someone might ask -- so what will be in our consciousness instead of complaints? Especially when we see to what extent complaints fill it up and create topics for social conversation. This is where the “Being Positive” tool comes in and suggests we find the positive in every situation. When a complaint arises, it’s a signal for us to find what is positive in what is happening. This is slightly reminiscent of gratitude, but here the emphasis is on the positive perception of the reality in which we function, not arising from the memory of any gratitude. In addition, when we are confronted by an obstacle or a risk, let’s get used to looking for the other possibilities inherent in the situation, instead of staying with the complaint and with the obstacle that we have sensed or with the danger that perhaps exists. There is no intention here to close the eyes, to ignore or deny, but to divert our attention in another possible direction, other than criticism or complaint, and when we’re used to looking in a direction far removed from complaints, we see there’s almost always another direction available to us. Even when, at a certain time or in a certain situation, we don’t see anything positive in the world, it’s possible to see it in ourselves, as we’ll see with another tool that will be mentioned in due course.
To begin, let’s turn the focus of our consciousness in a technical way -- and let’s look for the positive even when it still isn’t easy to see it, in the knowledge that it exists and we function “as if” it exists and we’re aware of it. After repeated practice, internalization takes place, and then we find that the change in the viewpoint of the consciousness is no longer “as if,” and the positive exists at least as much as the negative that we complain about, and practice helps us to see it.
An interesting point in what we’re talking about is the question “What is important to me?” At any given moment there is something that we’re usually unaware of, trying to manipulate our consciousness and our lives with the claim that it’s the most important thing to us. Often, this turns out to be something completely different from what is really important to us. Although it’s important to us to avoid self-centeredness, the dominant complaint process becomes momentarily more important, without our noticing it. On the other hand, a positive outlook reminds us to strive to move out of self-centeredness, and moving out of self-centeredness strengthens our ability to see the positive element that is revealed in every person or situation.
Positive self-Influence
Let’s take a moment of silence. Let’s ask ourselves -- what complaints do we have about ourselves? Let’s look for a moment at one or two of them, the kind which recur from time to time. We’ll see them from the side, without making a big story out of them, as if we were observing a fact which is by nature neutral. Let’s go further and look for something else, some negative thought that we have about ourselves, some “favorite” gripe such as, for example, lack of belief in our ability, or total belief in our ability not to succeed. What negative saying has invaded our consciousness and is “singing” beautiful songs with venom dripping from them, trying to paralyze us or to lead us into some course of action which would be particularly bad for us? Let’s choose one outstanding thought, and look at it from the side, without identifying with it. … Now, let’s return to the silence, which hides all negative self-speech or complaints. We’ll just focus on breathing. … Thank you.
Thought is a force. A force that creates the reality in which we function. Of course, there are other forces that run in parallel with it, and we shouldn’t for a moment sink into some imaginary grandiosity, as if everything depends on our thought. On the other hand, we shouldn’t underestimate the power of thought to create a partial reality for us, through its interaction with other forces. The reality in which we live is the product of the interaction of different forces, and our thought is one of them, and when it’s focused, it’s a powerful force too. What focuses it? Our beliefs, for example, or strong emotion. Previously, when we took a moment of silence, we saw how our thought can be focused on the negativity in us. Thought creates a negative story which, together with other forces, creates an unpleasant reality for us. For example, someone told me, “I’m a dependent person with low self-esteem.” It may be so, but it’s impossible to tell, because the statement reflected a thought that was creating reality, definitely not self-awareness. When he examined himself sincerely, he could see there are moments when he maybe acted out of dependence and low self-esteem, but there are also other moments. His focus on the negatives turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy and only exacerbated the situation. When he said what he said, he meant he saw no prospect of putting things right, and that was a pity.
A completely different case is the declaration of addicts in the anonymous fellowships, something like, “My name is Danny and I’m an addict.” This declaration tells us something else, that Danny is indeed an addict, but he’s an addict on the way to recovery, and he can live in a manner free from his addictions. Following, we’ll focus on self-declarations of the first kind, and not on declarations of limitations as a part of the recovery process. When we make declarations that lay particular stress on our inability, we are perpetuating the situation that is hopeless for us, and that’s a pity. This is, in fact, a declaration of self-centeredness, through which it tightens its grip on us and draws us further in. In the Graceway, we try to avoid unnecessary declarations about ourselves; “Just for today” we can be different as well.
We described the “Just for Today” tool as a big gate through which the future moves into the past,
and we have no control over what is beyond the gate, but we can exert a strong influence over the trajectory of the gate and its aperture. A negative thought about ourselves turns the gate in a certain direction which influences what comes through it. But we can change the direction, and that is what “being positive” means.
As opposed to the negative declarations, which express lack of faith in ourselves and a tendency to “see the dark side,” the Graceway suggests something else: positive internal speech. Positive internal speech means that every statement or word that we say to ourselves expresses our ability to move away from self-centeredness and to change. Positive self-speech expresses a positive perception which ignores negative declarations and sees beyond the reality that they are trying to depict, drawing us inside. It creates a reversing situation of turning negative into positive, risk into opportunity and inability into possibility. The statement that we presented before, “I have, and I need nothing from them,” is an example of positive internal speech which was a reversing of its point of departure. Gratitude is another example of positive internal speech. Repeating the Serenity Prayer in the course of the day, to cope with some distress or another, brings into our minds internal speech which is positive and ignores the negative speech that accompanied the distress.
Positive internal speech is a force that participates in the creation of positive reality. When we get used to it, we are “aiming” the gate of the present towards a positive possibility that can happen in our lives. Changing the direction of the gate by means of thought is a positive exercise of power in the world, which combines with the other influences.
Something else that connects with positive internal speech is the precept, “to live the grace that we want to encounter.” The precept assumes that grace is possible, both as an aspiration among us, and as something that can be lived. Positive internal speech represents a search for grace amid the daily and possible reality, relating to it as if it exists, and coming close to living it. Positive internal speech emphasizes the grace even in situations where we have been accustomed to complaining or fearing negative outcomes, a fear that sometimes creates a reality like any self-fulfilling prophecy. Positive internal speech is also a self-fulfilling prophecy that enables us to live the grace that we want to encounter; it expresses a particular view of the world, the view of grace. The very search for a view of the world through the eyes of grace creates a change in our perspective of the world. What is suggested here is a new order of things according to which it’s important to us to see grace and to live it, and therefore, we look for it even when our minds seem befuddled and dejection reigns supreme. Then it’s especially advisable to look for it, in the knowledge that it always exists. The search and the attempt, time after time, to see the world through the eyes of grace creates a reality. When we strive to see grace even when it’s only “as if” -- as if we’re seeing the world thus, as if we’re already living the grace -- a reality of grace is already beginning to take shape.
A reality of grace refers to processes in our minds and not to results in the world outside us, to which our actions have led us. We have no control over results, but if we activate the grace view on a constant basis, we will live the grace whatever the external results may be. At a certain stage, we will be liberated from the desire for certain results, and this liberation is a positive result in itself.
Anyone can take something that’s characteristic of oneself, that propels him or her into negativity, and turn it into positive internal speech which sees grace and tries to live it. The way in which the statement, “I have, and I need nothing from them” has developed shows us how to formulate a positive internal message. We can, each of us individually or with the help of another, search for a positive internal statement that expresses the change and the grace towards which we aspire.
Another aspect of the implementation of positive self-influence is the adoption of a routine exercise -- looking for something positive in people and in the world. The intention is to focus on certain events, even those in which it’s harder for us to see anything positive. We create the positive without reference to events or to other people, so we create in ourselves a positive framework for relationships with others and with the world, seeking out and defining something positive even when it seems there’s virtually nothing positive in our surroundings, or when there’s a great deal of negativity. For example, we can formulate a positive attitude before a certain meeting that we’re nervous about for all kinds of reasons or out of past experience. We can sit down by ourselves and create in our imagination a positive meeting, finding positive “anchors” for us. For example, reminding ourselves of the positive and happy purpose of which the meeting is a part. Fear and previous experience create one reality, while being positive creates another reality. Be cautious where caution is needed, but do not identify with the role of the severe judge or the injured party. The more accustomed we become to searching for the positive, the more our relationship with the world and with people changes, and then we find more and more that is positive, or else we create it. When the positive is found, it makes no difference how it came to be there; what matters is that it’s there.
In terms of positive self-influence, there is another exercise that can and should be practiced on a regular basis. A simple exercise that is always available -- when we look in the mirror, to smile. When we smile at the mirror, and it may come as a pleasant surprise, the mirror always smiles back at us, and it’s the agreeable smile that we see, instead of expressions of gloom, petulance or fatigue. The mirror reflects back to us exactly what we show it, and once we are accustomed to smiling at the mirror, we’ll find that the moment of smiling may be short, but it’s pleasant and agreeable, and the smile that rises from the mirror is gentle, genuine, and captivating. When we smile regularly to the point where it becomes a habit, we can raise this kind of tender, delicate, and genuine smile, even when the situation is rough and painful. The smile creates a positive reality, internally at least.
Choosing a teacher
Let’s take a brief moment of silence. Let’s go deeper into it, and let the positive sensation be the reality in which we live, even for a moment. … Into the silence, let’s introduce a question about ourselves -- who is the person who has influenced us or who is influencing us today? Who is the person, or persons, or something else, that directs the course of our lives? Let’s wait before giving the answer that seems to be self-explanatory. We’ll allow the answer to rise up slowly, to float in our conscious minds, deeper than regular day-to-day thoughts. We’ll distinguish between the one who we would like to have influencing us, and who or what is really influencing us. … Thank you.
Whether we like it or not, we are influenced by many people and situations. Because of the influence of the world, many people have sought to isolate themselves from people and influences, but even the propensity for isolation is also the product of some influence. It’s also impossible to ignore the influence of internal voices, emotions, and other factors, some of which we have mentioned. We’re aware of some things that influence us, but with most of them -- not really. Some we choose, but with most -- not really; how can we choose an influence if we’re not aware of it? It turns out that it’s possible; at least possible, to direct to some extent the influences to which we’re subject. The Book of Psalms, for example, begins with a hymn (1) that shows us how it is possible to direct the influences to which we’re exposed, and even prophesies good things for us if we make the right choice: “Blessed is the man that walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful.” Before we direct it, let’s ask ourselves -- which influences are desirable in our lives, and which are less so? And at least we’ll know which way to turn.
To be positive, according to the Graceway, means living the grace, as far as is possible (and it’s always possible), and encountering it as far as is allowed. This is possible, despite the challenging and p
ainful circumstances that face us. There is pain, but grace sees and lives beyond this, accepting the pain and moving on, gracefully, without ignoring the pain, or running away from it, or denying it. The obstacle that prevents us from experiencing grace is our own self-centeredness. Every influence on us that means to strengthen self-centeredness is liable to take grace further away from us, and every influence that strengthens us in the Graceway helps us to move out of self-centeredness.
Choosing good influences means, among other things, upholding the precept of Joshua, the son of Perachia, in the Ethics of the Fathers, who tells us to make for ourselves a master. “To make” -- consciously, rather than being swept away by influences, tending to drag us to places where we don’t want to be. To make a master who suits us and shows us the direction in which we want to go. To make a master for us, consciously, and a master worthy of that illustrious title -- a master who is a teacher for life, i.e. to choose for ourselves a strong, beneficent and steady influence, showing us the way to the life of grace, the grace that we want to encounter and to live. There are times when the choice of an influence is the only conscious choice we can make, out of the range of unconscious and uncontrolled influences that the world presents to us.
When we talk about a master, the first meaning that comes to mind is a person, a woman or a man with a style that expresses the grace to which we aspire. It could be a person who has no intention of teaching or influencing us, but to be exposed to him or her or to be beside them, if only for a while, encourages us in a way unlike anything we have known in our daily lives. He or she could be a spiritual teacher, and it’s definitely worthwhile to be alert and make sure that the person in question is an authentic spiritual teacher and not a make-believe spiritual teacher or one who is only considered to be so, in his or her own eyes or in the eyes of others. The test that’s needed is to see that such a person lives and embodies in practice the things they say and the direction they’re taking, beyond the nice words said by them or about them.
