by Natti Ronel
The observer within
Let’s take another little break, with silence. We’ll enter agreeable silence. Silence that doesn’t expect anything, that is full in and of itself. Breathing will help us to experience it – being aware of our breathing and concentrating on it, calmly. Let’s summon up before our eyes the image of ourselves at a certain moment in the last few days, any moment, whatever comes up -- what did we do? We’ll see ourselves from the side, without judgement, criticism or opinion. Just looking. Let’s go further and see ourselves a few years ago. Let’s choose some picture, whatever comes up first in our consciousness, and just look at it. We’ll carry on and search for another situation, a few years further back. Just look at it. Now let’s move on to a pleasant memory of our childhood and look at ourselves from the side. We can even bring up a less pleasant memory of childhood, and just look at it, seeing ourselves from the side. We can make a collage of memory-pictures and see ourselves in a variety of changing situations. We’ll observe and relax while observing ourselves. … Thank you.
When we observed ourselves just now in changing situations – who, precisely, was the observer? How is it possible to be aware of awareness itself? The intention is to experience our quiet and steady awareness, which is aware of what’s happening to us. This awareness feels, hears, sees, and knows, and it isn’t the thing that happens to us, and not even our experience. We are in the pure awareness that is our deep inner selves, that is aware of the experience of the changing ego, but it’s something else, something that doesn’t change and doesn’t respond to the world. To illustrate this, in a group meeting that I led, when we experimented with the idea of being aware of awareness itself, one of the participants suddenly said: “I’ve got it; it’s actually being aware of the ego that is without any ego.”
There is something here which is very thin, almost hidden from the consciousness, because it’s located in its foundations. When we know it, it is present in full, but to know it requires somewhat elusive and challenging intention. This is the objective of the “Finding in Ourselves” tool -- to seek out the quiet, ever-present awareness. Awareness that exists even when we’re asleep, when we’re feeling well, or unwell, when we’re carried away, forgetting ourselves, even when we’re very alert to ourselves. It’s always there, alongside things or in the very midst of them, but always separated from them, without contact with them. Since it’s always there and by its very nature, it isn’t connected to the physical, it’s our doorway to freedom from the influence of external and internal worlds.
One of the ideas shared by various spiritual traditions is the emphasis on the internal journey, the search to find within ourselves and not in the external world. In “Regimen of Health,” Maimonides wrote a statement that is often quoted: “Not in things outside the soul does joy reside, not in passing and transient treasures. In the innermost heart of man is heard the delightful music of the good and the beautiful, of truth and justice. Like a passing shadow are all things that the common populace reckons pleasure and delight. It is on the mind that the health of a man’s soul depends and thus also the health of his body.” In his book “Mists of Purity” (Arpilei Tohar), Rabbi Kook also wrote something similar (Ch. 77): “I need to find my happiness in my innermost self, not with the consent of people, nor for the sake of some career such as may be. The more that I know about myself, and the more that I allow myself to be original and stand on my own feet, in inner consciousness, blended with knowledge, awareness, feeling and song, the more the light of God will illumine me and the more blessing there will be for me, and forever”. This is also the way of knowledge of Hinduism, which points to the inner self-knowledge which doesn’t change, which is the happiness that we seek.
A variety of spiritual exercises are directed towards finding inside, and every way and method has its own practices. For example, Teresa of Avila -- St. Teresa -- described spiritual development as a journey into a palace -- the palace of the soul. The journey begins in an outer room and gradually penetrates into the heart of the palace, and in the innermost room, where the outside world is no longer relevant to it, the soul meets God, the one and only being who is everywhere. In the language of the Graceway, this is awareness looking in, towards itself, searching for itself as pure awareness, and with a pure heart it can find the divine, as everyone understands God, without belonging to an external religion. Similarly, the Sufis, members of the distinguished sect of Islam, who had a special way of elevating the concept of Universal Love that exists in Islam, insisted that the Heart, the innermost part of man which is pure awareness, is the gateway to the Divine. They also said that God is closer to us than we are close to ourselves. The great closeness of God is understood when we know that pure awareness, free from external and internal influences, liberated from practices or conditions, is the gateway to the Divine.
We have flown up a little high with the spirit, and descended into the depths of the Heart, so now let’s return to the outer rooms, in the terminology of Saint Teresa, to our daily experience. How is it possible to use the “Finding in Ourselves” tool?
The thing that unites all the tools is that it is worthwhile getting to know them, getting used to using them and acquiring adroit expertise in activating them in our normal daily life. In a moment of distress, when it seems everything around us in on fire, it is possible and advisable to use one or another of the tools, but if a certain tool is being used for the first time, our efforts will be somewhat amateurish and less effective. It’s true that in such moments of conflagration, our motivation to use the tool, or all the tools, reaches sky-high proportions, and motivation on such a scale contributes to their effective use, but it’s preferable to get accustomed to using them in normal life, when nothing’s burning yet. The recommendation to get used to the tools in daily life, calmly, is definitely valid for the “Finding in Ourselves” tool. If we become accustomed to introspection, searching deep inside ourselves for the quiet awareness, to find it and to know it, it will be easier to activate it in time of need.
Usually in situations of distress of one kind or another, when things are not working out the way we had hoped, we tend to look for something outside -- the culprit or the person responsible, or something that will solve the problem for us. Even when we are searching for something that will make us feel better, we usually turn our attention outwards, as if only outside ourselves can we find what is good for us. The “Finding in Ourselves” tool teaches us, while practicing it, to do something else, to search in ourselves for the solution to the problem. In a moment of distress or inundation by the delusions of the world, we can turn our gaze inward, an action that we already know and to which we’re getting accustomed. Introspection removes from us at once the strong stimulus of the world, and then the distress or the inundation look different.
When we know how to focus deep down inside, we’ll find that, surprisingly, it’s easier to find a solution to whatever issue we want to solve. The right solution often seems to arrive by itself.
For example, Joseph worked as a service technician. One time, he came across a problem; although an experienced technician, he had no idea what to do about it. The more he tried, the more he failed. The conclusion was clear -- apparently irreparable damage had been done to the part which was the “brain” of the machine that he was trying to repair. The only option was the replacement of a very expensive component. He explained the situation to the machine owner and warned him how expensive the job was going to be. But before ordering a replacement for the damaged part, he decided to try something new. He asked the owner to excuse him and went into the bathroom for a few minutes. There he quietly practiced a form of meditation which was similar to the “Finding in Ourselves” tool (see the Twelfth Tool). Anyway, when he went back, he looked at the damaged part, and according to his account, a possible solution sprang into his mind, as if out of nowhere. He tried and eventually succeeded, which was contrary to everything he had thought before, an
d contrary to normal experience with problems like this. The owner was as astonished as he was, because of his familiarity with problems of this kind. Whatever the various explanations may be for the “miracle” that happened to Joseph, psychological, technical or otherwise, from our point of view, what matters is that the procedure worked well, and explanations are unimportant. As we have said before, we’re especially interested in the “how” of creating changes.
When we get used to looking inside ourselves on a regular basis, it will help us to go through self-change, not only in times of distress or need. The habit of looking inside instead of out will teach us a new kind of response, more liberated from the influences of the world. As in the example of Joseph the technician, when we look inside, we are simultaneously living and being completely integrated in the world, capable of experiencing the world as it is and responding to it appropriately, while being less influenced by it. When we look inside us, what arises in us is the beginning of the steady and quiet serenity of unchanging awareness, and when it is quiet, or at least there’s less of the noise of the world intruding on our consciousness, we can experience the world in its fullness, and move through it in steady awareness. The steady awareness that exists deep inside us is like a fountain streaming from the depths of our being. It makes no difference to it what happens to us inside or out. It streams for as long as we live, irrespective of the circumstances, despite the power of the internal and external worlds to overwhelm us with pain and pleasure, with grief and happiness. The fountain streams in loving silence. Turning the attention inward, towards the quiet awareness that streams like a fountain, gradually leads to a situation where not only do we seek inside us, but we find more and more inside us: awareness, strength, non-dependence, silence, light, love, and especially the Divine; finding them inside us means we are already living grace in full. Jacob Bohme, a spiritual figure of the seventeenth century, stressed that after we attain knowledge of what exists inside, the power of the external to overwhelm us is reduced, because in a natural way we will choose the internal, which is like the fire of light.
The Serenity Prayer directed us towards distinguishing between external and internal, and stressing our inner responses which influence our external ones. Similarly, the “Gratitude” tool, when we practice it in depth, teaches us to look and find gratitude inside ourselves. The exercise of all the tools creates expertise in looking inside, but what’s special about the “Finding in Ourselves” tool is its focused view -- immediate turning of attention to inside us to look for what isn’t dependent on the external, in the knowledge that there is something to be found. If distress or overwhelming impulse arises, connected with something external -- and every case of distress or overwhelming impulse has an external aspect, even if only as a first cause -- turning the viewpoint inside us is, in fact, a deviation of awareness, away from the distress towards something else. As we go deeper, the something else is revealed as more stable.
After we have performed the exercise of finding inner awareness for a period of time, we shall find that the special inner look infuses us with stillness; the experience of stillness is actually a side-effect of awakening awareness. Paradoxically, the direct search for stillness is liable to expel it. Stillness is seen as something external which we are interested in, and, in fact, we’re creating a situation of deficiency. When we search to find what exists inside us, the stillness which is the essence of internal awareness arises.
I’ve said previously that in various spiritual traditions looking to find what we need inside ourselves is customary. In therapeutic methods, which are essentially more psychological and not related to the spiritual approach, introspection is also customary. Introspection certainly gives us a power of positive influence which enables us to attain behavioral and emotional change. We examine and analyze ourselves and arrive at insights which create the desirable change. The process of introspection is an important foundation in accepted mental treatment, as well as in the Graceway. But psychological introspection usually deals with our internal relationship with the external world, in the present or the past or towards the future. Mental processes are assessed in connection with the world and its influence; for example, how our childhood experiences have shaped in us a variety of characteristic responses, and so on. Often such a look inside ourselves is important and vital for creating change. But regular analysis of the mind isn’t designed to offer anything that goes beyond our minds, beyond our external and internal world of phenomena.
The introspection of the Graceway, which I’ve described here, seeks to move away from everything that isn’t inside us. If, in spite of this, we want to search in psychology for the deep view inside and what is revealed to it, then we can find an echo in something which Jung wrote -- when the Self rises as the center of personality, the conflicts of the ego become irrelevant. Accordingly, as a consequence of the deep awareness that is revealed in the process of Jungian therapy or in the spiritual approach, the Self rises, constituting an awareness which is new and greater than the ego which has controlled us hitherto, and it turns into the unifying center of the personality, all of its components being contained in the totality. The essence of spiritual work according to Jung, is the awareness of the ego to the existence of the Self and the internal world and the efforts of the ego to reveal the Self. Furthermore, Jung described the ascendancy of the collective unconscious, in which there’s something impersonal, and which is a clear growing of a person out of one’s ego.
The spiritual way suggests something slightly different, and this is a presence of deep awareness which isn’t the center of personality, but instead, it is completely transcending any changeable personality or the contents of our collective unconscious, by our very existence as human beings. “Look, the Self is only Be-ing, not being this or that,” said Sri Ramana Maharshi, the well-known twentieth century Indian Guru. Awareness of existence cleansed of ourselves is the foundation and essence of our humanity, and it isn’t separate personality, nor does it have collective human content. When we transcend everything that isn’t it, the awareness rises in us, whole, if only for an instant, like a spark, as if an internal fire of joy and relief has been ignited in us. It’s also a fire of quiet and assured love, sometimes only as a spark, but it lives and burns.
Asking for help
We have “flown” to the fire of grace and of love. There’s a beauty that’s revealed when we fly high. Recognizing the beauty that’s revealed is a part of living the grace that we want to encounter. Its revelation is a positive influence that reverberates around what exists inside. But then, life raises its demands and we find ourselves scorched by the fire of self-centeredness, deceptive internal voices, overwhelming emotions, desires, and even suffering. We look inside us and what we see is usually the experience of a crisis or powerlessness, or lack of faith in ourselves, or some other negative message, or even overwhelming and impulsive elation that is directed outward and makes us forget everything that’s inside. Self-centeredness seems to be laughing its scornful laugh, or setting traps that we’re eager to fall into, magical solutions which are worthless and don’t end well. In short, we activate the tools as needed, and yet reality is stronger than us for the moment. What do we do?
Sometimes, in the heat of our emotional and conceptual overload, our own company isn’t good for us, as the slogan of AA and NA states. In situations like this, you can’t beat good social support. Fundamentally, a request for help from others, others who are suitable, of course, balances and strengthens the “Finding in Ourselves” tool, and takes us back to the ground of the reality in which we struggle. The secret of the first step in the Step-program is that by means of modest insight, confession and acceptance of our personal limitations in the current situation, we open ourselves to receiving help, so we can refrain from letting these limitations control us, “just for today.” The recommendation to accept social support also takes us back to the idea of “Making for ourselves a master,” who
will be positive and who will enable us to be positive. When we don’t succeed by ourselves in staying as positive as we would like to be, the time has come to ask for help. Especially when we’re in distress, when it seems for a moment that the way has been hidden from us, it’s very worthwhile to be in the company of someone else who can help us get back to the way, or just remind us that this, too, is transient. The ability to get up and ask for help, instead of repeating old mistakes, comes from within ourselves. The ability to be aware of our specific weakness and to ask for support from someone who can support us, is, in fact, the ability to find something in ourselves, helped by another person and further strengthened inside us. We choose to accept external help and to avoid self-centeredness, which by its nature is turned outwards, instead of choosing to sink with it.
Often, what deters us from asking for help is simple pride, with the desire to show that we are strong and can sort ourselves out alone. Part of this deterrence is our tendency to clam up when we’re in pain or when we feel we’re being carried away by ourselves, especially hiding away from what could remind us of the way, and the fact that we have inside us all that we need. So, a request for help is linked to the “Finding in Ourselves” tool, because we ask for help in the moments when dealing with the external world, or with our response to it, dominates us. “Finding in ourselves” is a tool of humility, when we look inside for something that transcends self-centeredness and its customary pride. By the same measure, the request for help strengthens humility, with admission of our personal limitation, a limitation that arises from identification with self-centeredness.
