by Annie Jocoby
Why I didn’t want an attachment, however, was the real question. I had my share of losses in my life, that was true. But it was difficult for me to understand why I always felt that I had to stay so far away from true love. I was married to Rielle, and had two kids with her, but I never loved her.
But yet, last night, with Scotty….I shook my head. What about Scotty? I hardly knew her. Yet, there was a glimmer of feelings for her that were struggling to break out. And these feelings, for the first time, were not entirely unwelcome.
I was brought out of my reverie by a knocking door. I groaned, hoping it wasn’t Portia. It was then that I wished that I had a peep-hole so that I could see who was out there before opening up. But, I didn’t, so I had to open up the door and hope that it wasn’t Portia who would be barging in. Doesn’t she ever have work to do? God knows I always had tons of work to do, so I had to wonder how she didn’t as well.
I opened the door, and, sure enough, it was Portia. “You’ve been avoiding me,” she accused. “What happened to you yesterday? I thought you were coming back.”
“Portia. Listen, what happened yesterday shouldn’t have. And can’t happen again. Sorry.”
“You’re not sorry.”
“Ok, I’m not. Please, though, Portia, I have work to do. I’m quite sure you do too.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Yeah. I got the Penske project. I heard you’re working on the Chase project. That’s a big deal, congratulations. I hear it’s going to be one of the biggest skyscrapers in the city.”
“Yeah. And it’s going to be a lot of work, so…”
“And I guess that intern is going to be working for you on that project, huh?”
Portia, as one of the managing partners, was in on the hiring decisions. She had tried to veto Scotty, for some reason. No, I knew why he had tried to veto her. She was jealous, plain and simple.
“Yeah. Scotty’s going to start in a couple of weeks.” And, as I said that, I realize that my heart briefly started to race.
“What’s that smile about?” Portia asked, looking at me suspiciously.
I didn’t even realize that I was smiling. “Huh?”
“When you said her name, you smiled.”
“Sorry. I didn’t know that smiling was a federal crime. I’ll make sure I won’t do it again.”
“Whatever. Anyhow, when are we going to officially start dating?”
“I’m sorry?”
“You and me. Go out. On a date. You know, people do it all the time, even in this city – they go out and get meals together and see Broadway plays. I’m quite sure that the concept of dating was known even in St. Louis.”
“It’s Kansas City,” I said, annoyed. Why did people who didn’t live in the mid-west assume that St. Louis was the only city in Missouri? “And, yes, I’m quite familiar with the concept of dating. I just didn’t think it applied to you and me.”
“Right.”
I looked at Portia, knowing for sure that no man had ever turned her down before. So, she obviously wasn’t going to take no for an answer here, any more than she did before I banged her in my office yesterday.
“So, tonight?” she said. “I’m dying to try that new restaurant in Tribeca. In your neighborhood.”
I really had nothing going on that night. I didn’t teach again until the next evening, and, as far as I knew, Penelope wouldn’t be stopping by. I hoped. But, truth be told, I was looking forward to picking up some Chinese and just relaxing. What a concept – just being alone without some woman hanging around. Sounded like heaven to me.
Of course, if Scotty wanted to go out, I’d be there in a heartbeat, I thought randomly.
Then wondered how that random thought got in there.
“Portia. I don’t want to go out with you. I don’t even want to have sex with you again. Sorry to disappoint.”
“Seven o’clock then? I’ll make reservations.”
“Portia. Listen to me. I don’t want to go out with you. I’m not playing a game here, I’m not playing hard to get. I don’t want to go out with you. Ever. Get it through your head.”
She looked unconvinced. Then she went over to my couch and sat down, her beautiful legs crossed. She leaned on the arm of the Italian leather sofa, and put her hand to her face while she studied me. “My god, you are a beautiful man,” she said. “Has anyone ever told you that?”
“All my life,” I said, honestly. “Now, please, I have a shit-ton of work to do. This skyscraper isn’t going to design itself.”
“Sure. Well, don’t think that this is the end. We’re going to be going out soon. In the meantime, how about an encore of yesterday’s amazing presentation? I’ve thought of little else since then.”
It was then that I realized that I never even thought twice about that particular encounter.
I sighed. She wasn’t going to leave. “If I give you what you want, will you leave me alone to work?” I asked her.
“Yeah,” she said, already unbuttoning her blouse.
So, I gave her what she wanted, the two of us fucking right there on the couch. Then, after it was over, I said to her “Ok, you promised to leave me alone. Now, please keep your promise. I’m behind as it is.”
“I’m a woman of my word,” she said, standing up and putting on her clothes. Then she went into my private bathroom, and came out with her hair newly combed and her lipstick perfectly reapplied. By the time she came back out, I had all my clothes back on and I was already sitting at my drafting table, working hard on my design plans for the Chase project.
“See ya later, Nick,” she said.
I barely looked up as she walked out the door.
Then sighed with relief.
Free at last.
Chapter 11
Scotty
As I was leaving Nick’s apartment, I knew that I wouldn’t ride with the driver that he called. Somehow I knew that driving with Charlie, who was Nick’s driver, would feel inappropriate for me. I really didn’t know why, but it would.
At the same time, cab fare from Tribeca to my place in uptown would be way beyond my means. I wasn’t quite sure where the subway station was, though, so I looked on my Samsung Galaxy S3 to find out. I would have to get a cab there, probably, because, even though this was a neighborhood that was extremely wealthy, I was still a young woman alone after dark, and I felt a little nervous. Too nervous to walk, anyhow.
But I realized that I didn’t have enough money for cab fare, even for those few blocks. So, I walked to the nearest bus stop. I made sure that the bus would eventually end up at the subway station, and boarded the bus. I studiously ignored the parked limousine that was evidently supposed to be my ride.
Once I got on the bus, I started to decompress. I leaned my head against the window, and then I immediately started to worry about the fact that I had just committed myself to working for Nick’s firm. I had no idea what I would be doing for that firm, but something told me that I would be on Nick’s design team.
The thought of working so closely with a man that I found so attractive was terrifying.
At the same time, I felt incredibly stupid and selfish for not wanting this position. I knew that my classmates would kill or die for this internship, every one of them. And here I was, not even wanting to take it.
I arrived at the subway station, got my ticket, then got on the train and put on my iPod, so that nobody would bother me. Not that this was a problem, because New Yorkers pretty much knew better than to try to talk to each other on the subway. However, there occasionally were random men who tried to sit next to me and talk to me. I never wanted that, even when the man was attractive – especially if the man was attractive – so I always tried to block everybody out. My body language always said “stay away” - at least I hoped that my body language gave those signals out.
Trudging home, I hoped that Jack was awake. I needed somebody to bounce ideas off of. At the same time, I wondered if he would be really jealous about my new opportunity. He was a stru
ggling actor, and he wasn’t having much luck. Which was why he was working as a bouncer at a gay club in Chelsea.
Lucky me, he was awake, and alone. Which actually wasn’t too surprising, as it was only around 11 O’Clock. He was reading a book, a rarity for him, his reading glasses perched on the end of his Romanesque nose. He glanced up as I came in the door. “How was work, Scotch and soda? You’re home early. It must not have been too crowded, huh?”
Scotch and soda was yet another nickname he had for me. “Uh, I really wasn’t at work.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well, you’ll never guess what happened. Never in a million years.”
He gave me a look. “Something tells me that this news calls for a cocktail. Just a sec, I’ll be right back.”
I started to protest, knowing that it was falling on deaf ears. I had to be in class the next day early, and getting hammered was the last thing that I wanted to do.
But a gin and tonic soon appeared in my hand. Jack sipped his own Cosmopolitan daintily and crossed his legs. “So, Scotch, tell me, tell me. What do you mean you weren’t at work?”
My heart started to race just thinking about the evening. “Well, uh, Nick actually showed up at the bar to take me to dinner.”
“Dinner. Girl. He’s like the only guy to ever do that.”
That was true. I not only didn’t have sex, I didn’t date, either. Mainly because dating leads to things that I didn’t want to deal with. Like sex.
“Yes. But it wasn’t a date.”
He gave me a look that said bitch, please. Then he said it out loud. “Bitch, please. No guy tracks a girl down where she works to take her out to eat if he isn’t interested in the pootang. But good for you.”
I shook my head. “Come on now. Don’t say that. He really was only interested in convincing me to take the internship at his office.”
“Internship? Is that what he wanted when he called you into his office?”
“Yeah. That’s all he wanted. He, uh, sees something in me. In my designs.”
“Of course. As everybody else always has. You’re literally the only one who doesn’t believe in Scotty James.”
“Come on, Jack. That’s like the most prestigious firm in the largest city in America. This city is the very epicenter of architectural firms, and that firm is the cream of the cream. Why would they be interested in me?”
At that, Jack got up and poured his drink on my head.
“What the hell?” I asked, feeling the liquid running down my face and stinging my eyes. “What did you do that for?”
“Because. You deserve it,” he said. “Girl, you can’t put yourself down like that. You have to look at yourself in the mirror and say that you are just as good as the very best architect in this city, the very best architect in this world. Fake it until you make it. And, this just in, you’ve made it, aight?”
At that, I got up to change my clothes, as I had Cosmopolitan all over me. Then I came back out, without bothering to wash the sticky drink out of my hair. “You really think so? You think I can make it in that firm without feeling like a total dork?”
“Scotch Marie. Yes. I believe in you. I’ve seen your designs, and they’re f-ing amazing. Yes. You can work anywhere and succeed. Now, what’s the problem?”
I was quiet for a few seconds, sipping my drink and staring into the rim of the glass pensively. Finally, with a deep breath I said “You’re my best friend, so I guess I can tell you. I, I, I, like Nick. A lot. A lot a lot.”
Jack just looked taken aback for a second. Then he broke into a smile. “Oh.my.god. Scotty Marie. You like a boy. I never thought I would see the day.” Then he got up and gave me a hug. “I knew it. I knew you’d like a boy sooner or later.”
I pushed him away. “Yeah, but Jack. You know what happened to me. You know how often it happened to me. You know how broken I am. How can I work with somebody I have feelings for? I’m going to be forced to be near him all the time. I can’t think of a bigger nightmare.” I shook my head. “But he cornered me. He’s very persistent. He cornered me, and I found myself telling him I would start in two weeks.”
“Wait. Is it an unpaid position?”
“No. He said his firm would pay me $40,000 a year. So, that’s about what I make at the bar. I guess that means I can afford to quit the bar. Otherwise, I really couldn’t swing it without taking out even more student loans.”
Jack let out a low whistle. “Well, then, there’s no question. You’re going to take that internship position, and that’s that.”
“How am I going to have the strength?”
“I don’t know, but you gotta find it. No way are you going to let this opportunity go. No way.”
I nodded. “Thanks for always supporting me. You’ve always been there whenever I needed you. I don’t know what I would do without you, to be honest.”
“Girl. You’d be ok, no matter what, because you are fierce. Fierce, I tell you.”
I smiled. “Fierce and fabulous.” Although I felt anything but. Fake it until you make it.
We clinked glasses.
“So,” he said, “we need to go shopping. God knows you don’t have anything to wear to a place like that.”
Oh, god. Clothes. “What am I going to do? I can’t afford a new wardrobe.”
“That’s why god made the Salvation Army and rummage sales. Besides, with your body, you could wear a potato sack and show all them bitches up, aight,” he said, snapping his fingers in a z-pattern.
I laughed.
“Is it too late to get on What Not to Wear?” I asked him.
“Yeah. That show has ended.” Of course, Jack knew this better than anyone, since that was one of his favorite shows on TV.
“Damn. I really could use $5,000 worth of clothes, a makeover, and a stylist.”
“Well, that’s okay. I’ll be your own personal Clinton Kelly. Girl, this is going to be fun.”
“Maybe I have some stuff to wear.”
“Let’s go and look.”
So, the two of us went in to look at the rather meager closet that housed both my clothes and his. All that was hung up there were his clothes, really. My clothes were pretty much in the chest of drawers, as all I really had were jeans, mini-skirts, sweaters, t-shirts and a few button-downs. “No,” I said. “No Versace suits in there. Now what?”
“I told you. Let’s hit thrift stores in a fancy neighborhood and we’ll find you stuff in no time. What’s your budget?”
“Not much if I want to eat this month at all. I mean, I’m not even sure when I’ll be getting paid at this place. They’re going to delay the check, you know. I still don’t know how I’m going to swing this.”
“Girl, we’ll figure it out. We always do. We’ll buy lots of Ramen Noodles and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and it’s done. You’re going to take this job, you’re going to look as fierce as you are, and you’re going to be the best damn architectural designer in the world.”
I gave him a big hug. “I need you, you know that? I would be so lost without you.”
“Don’t ever forget it, love. When you become rich and famous, you can’t forget the little people, k?”
“You’re not a little person. You’re my world.”
He hugged me and tousled my hair a little.
“Um, Jack?”
“Yes, love?”
“Can we sleep together tonight?” Jack and I, from time to time, slept together in the bed. Platonically, of course. Sometimes we just needed security, and to have someone there next to us. Sleeping in the bed together was how we managed that.
So, we ended up sleeping together that night, platonically, but I clung to him like one of my stuffed animals that I had for security when I was growing up. I was feeling like I was about to be rudderless, like a sailboat that was let loose without a person guiding it. Riding the violent waves, and getting further from shore.
To say that I was scared to death would be understating it.
; Chapter 12
Scotty – Two Weeks Later
“So, how do I look?” I asked Jack. My long brown hair was piled on my head with a butterfly clip, and I actually was wearing a little bit of makeup. I was wearing a cast-off Armani suit that I managed to find after looking in every thrift store in town for three straight days. I picked up other suits, of course, but this was the absolute best suit that I ever hoped to be able to find, so I chose it for my first day.
The fact that this suit was around 10 years old, therefore I still would look out of place at this firm, was something that I had to ignore. It was designer, it fit, and that’s all that I needed to know. As for the shoes, they also came from a thrift store, but they were perfect. It felt amazing that I was able to look at least somewhat presentable for my first day, which would certainly go a long way in helping me to fake it until I made it.
“Fierce. Beautiful. Sexy. Like those bitches won’t know what hit them when Hurricane Scotty makes landfall at that firm.”
I smiled. I felt uncomfortable that he mentioned the word sexy though. “Sexy. Uh, I’m not showing cleavage. Is the fit too tight? I don’t want to be inappropriate.”
“No. You look like a nun. You’re just damn sexy no matter how hard you try not to be. Sorry. I calls ‘em as I sees ‘em.”
I went back in to look at the full-length mirror. I had to make sure that I looked professional, and not in the least bit slutty. I wanted them to take me seriously, and I wanted to repel all male attention.
Even Nick’s attention.
Especially Nick’s attention.
The past two weeks had been weird. I still went to Nick’s class, of course, but I refused to meet his eyes. I sat in the back of class, arriving late and making an excuse to leave early, or at least with the other kids. For his part, he didn’t address me in class, and he didn’t ask me to meet with him. The only time he spoke with me was last Thursday night.
