by Annie Jocoby
“Uh, great. Great. Great. Well, anyhow, thanks for calling. And congrats. I have to get back to work.”
Then I hung up. I put my head in my hands and tried to fight back tears. Me, crying. Over some woman. What is this world coming to?
Just then, Scotty showed up in my office. She tentatively approached the desk, her coat and hat in her hands. “Hey, Nick,” she said. “Uh, I can finally take you to lunch today. I mean, I can’t afford much, but we can go and get a sandwich or something. My treat.”
I looked at her, then got up and shut the door.
“Ms. James, have a seat,” I said, motioning to the chair on the other side of my desk.
She looked at me quizzically, then sat down.
I took my seat across from her, feeling more and more angry just looking at her. Putting on her innocent act, and lying to me. To what? Spare my feelings? She’s going to play head games with me, the man who invented head games? She has no idea who she is dealing with…
I took a deep breath. “Ms. James, I’m very sorry, but I’m not going to be able to take you to lunch anymore. I feel that I’ve been far too generous with you, and you clearly don’t appreciate it. So, you’re going to be on your own.”
She sat there, looking at me, her mouth open. I saw tears forming in her eyes. Crocodile tears no doubt. Her roommate might be the one who’s now on Broadway, but Scotty was clearly the one who deserved a Tony Award for acting.
“I, I, don’t understand.” She put her head down, and her hands started shaking. “What did I do wrong?”
I rebuffed her question. “And another thing. You’re on your own around here from now on. You’re going to sink or swim just like the rest of the interns, without any help from me. I’m goddamned tired of sticking my neck out for you while you play your innocent act. You can play your games with somebody else. From now on, you won’t be getting any more social invitations from me. You’re my intern, I’m your boss. That’s it. I hope that I make myself clear.”
She continued just to stare at me, and now tears were streaming down her cheeks. I made no move to give her a Kleenex, so she took my box of tissues off of my desk and brought out a couple of Kleenexes and blew her nose. “I’m sorry if I’ve offended you. I don’t know why you are suddenly acting like this.”
I stood up. She wasn’t going to continue with her act. I wouldn’t let her. “Well, I have work to do. Please leave.” And then I sat down.
She continued to sit there, apparently in shock. She shook her head. “Nick, I, I, I, I, don’t understand. Please tell me what I did wrong.”
“Perhaps you don’t understand English anymore. Shall I tell you in Spanish or French what I want?”
She shook her head. “No. No. I’ll leave, since that’s what you want.” Her head was down, and her entire body was drooping, like Olive Oyle. “I’m sorry to bother you.”
I waved my hand dismissively. “Out. Now.”
At that, her eyes got wide again, and she reluctantly got up and headed towards my office door.
“Oh, and Ms. James?”
She turned around and looked at me, her eyes red and filled with tears. “Yes, Nick?”
“It’s Mr. O’Hara from now on. Please address me as such. It’s time for you to show me a little respect.”
She said nothing, just nodded. I could hear her sob a little as she opened the door and let herself out.
Then, as soon as she left, I was needing my Kleenex myself.
Because I cried like I hadn’t cried since I was a small child.
Truth be told, that was the main reason why I forced her to leave my office in such a hurry.
I didn’t want her to see me cry.
Chapter 44
Scotty
I have to find a private place to cry. I cannot cry at my cubicle. Everybody will see me. Fortunately, it was lunch-time, so I made my way out of the office, my head down, my Kleenex in my hand.
“Scotty,” Robin, another intern said. “What are you doing for lunch?”
I just shook my head, and walked faster. If I turned around and talked to her, she would instantly know that I had been crying. Then she would want to know why, and I would have to lie to her about it. I didn’t even know what I would say if she did ask.
Robin was the biggest gossip and the nosiest person I had met at the firm. If she got wind of anything involving Nick and me, that would be all she wrote.
“Scotty, wait. Where are you going?”
I walked faster, until I hit the door of the office suite and hurried down the stairs. I wasn’t going to wait for the elevator, especially since I saw a crowd of people waiting for it, most of whom worked at the firm.
I walked down the 70 flights of stairs, tears streaming down my face. I sobbed loudly, hoping that nobody would be joining me in the stairwell. Sometimes people take the stairs, if they’re trying to lose weight, but I felt safe, knowing that nobody would be crazy enough to take the stairs from the 70th floor. So, I was able to bawl as much as I could. I felt my entire body wracking with sobs, and I felt sick to my stomach.
It took me about 20 minutes, but I finally reached the bottom floor. I walked through the lobby, ignoring the guard who greeted me by name, and got out into the street. I was soon lost in the lunchtime crowd of people, who were bustling to different restaurants.
I had no idea where I could go where I would be sure not to see somebody from the firm. I couldn’t go home. Home was too far away, and would take too long. I was determined that I would not miss any work, so taking the rest of the afternoon off was out of the question.
I finally decided just to find an alleyway and sit next to the dumpster, so that people off the street wouldn’t be able to see me. And then I bawled. I bawled for the next half hour, and then it was time to head back up to work.
I got back to my cubicle, grateful that I had an entire roster of projects that were assigned to me from various partners, none of them Portia. That meant that I didn’t have to actually see any of the partners. I put my head down, and worked through the tears that were constantly threatening throughout the day.
You have to concentrate on these projects. Get through this day, then go home and take a nice hot bath and have a glass of wine. Get a movie on Netflix, and try to forget about Nick’s cruelty.
I took a deep breath. I got this. I had been through far, far worse than this in my life. It was but a bump in the road. Yes, I finally found a guy who I was willing to slowly learn to trust, despite my misgivings about him, and his evident proclivity for women. Now that kernel of hope that I could be a normal girl with a normal boyfriend, and maybe, one day, a normal husband, was gone.
So, it was time to refocus and recommit to the one thing in life that I could control. That was my architectural career. Everything that happened to me in my professional life was within my own power. There were no random things that could happen that could throw me off, like a fickle man. Yes, a life devoted entirely to work would be a lonely one, and maybe even heartbreaking. But there was not the potential to send me reeling, like Nick just did.
Five o’clock finally came, and I dashed out the door and towards the subway. I managed to get through the day without a single person trying to talk to me about anything, so I felt lucky. Because I was not in the sociable mood.
When I got home, I opened up a bottle of wine and got in the tub. I sucked down the wine straight from the bottle, and cried for hours. I ended up getting out of the tub some three hours later, water-logged, exhausted and completely drunk.
Then got in my jammies and cried myself to sleep.
Chapter 45
A couple of weeks went by. Nick was still very cold to me, and I still was addressing him as “Mr. O’Hara,” and he addressed me, still, as “Ms. James.” I still had no idea, whatsoever, what I did to deserve such treatment. But I was determined to keep my chin up and my head down, as I worked harder than I ever had before.
As for Shane…he pretty much left me alone. I was quit
e sure that he was embarrassed about his behavior, but he never apologized for it. I was relieved not to have to confront the situation, and I was further happy that he found another intern to pursue – Lisa, who was a student at Pratt.
I isolated myself. I was feeling unhappy, not just because of the Nick implosion, but also because Jack was increasingly not home. He got a part, a small part, in one of Bob Terrill productions on Broadway, so he was busy rehearsing, when he wasn’t working his two jobs and trying to spend some time with Brad. He and Brad were becoming increasingly an item, and, since Brad lived in a beautiful loft in Chelsea, with a weekend house in Connecticut and a vacation home in the Hamptons, Jack naturally gravitated towards Brad’s home(s) instead of bringing Brad around to hang out with me.
So, I was lonely. Extremely lonely. It was just like Jack had said – I wouldn’t always have him to lean on. Now I was finally finding out what that was like, and I was miserable.
But the Christmas party for the firm was coming up, and I felt obligated to go. All the other interns were going, and so was virtually everybody else in the firm. The firm had rented out the Lambs Club, which was an expensive restaurant in midtown, for the entire evening, which, no doubt, cost them a small fortune. The restaurant would be serving dinner and there was an open bar. It was my understanding that this was a time to let your hair down, and most of the partners, interns and associates did just that. Drunken debauchery was not unheard of at this event, according to Robin.
“I’m so excited to go,” Robin said. “I heard that last year George, Allen and Rob got up and sang a drunken karaoke version of Somebody that I Used to Know,” she said, referring to Gotye’s number one hit. “And,” she said with a giggle, “Allen announced, on-stage, that the song was dedicated to his then-wife, Nancy. They were divorced about three months later.”
“Wow,” I said. “Miss Manners definitely would not approve.”
“No, she wouldn’t. So, it’s gonna be fun.” She hesitated. “Are you, uh, bringing anybody?”
I shook my head. I had always intended to bring Jack, but Jack was busy that night, as usual. He was always busy with something anymore.
“That’s too bad. Well, maybe we can go together. Be each other’s dates,” she said, with a giggle. “I mean, not literally. I don’t swing that way or anything. But it might be fun to have somebody to hang out with and watch all the Bacchanalia unfold.”
“Sure,” I said. “Let’s do that.”
“Cool. You can meet me at my apartment, which is a couple of blocks away from the restaurant, and we can get dolled up together. That will be so much fun!”
“Aces,” I said, trying to be happy. That was what I did – I put on a happy face for everybody, including Nick, but I really was dying inside. More often than not, I went home to my empty apartment and cried for hours. I felt so abandoned and alone, and heartbroken over the way that Nick had been treating me.
But I was actually looking forward to going over to Robin’s and get ready for the Christmas party. I was hungry for a new bestie, and Robin, despite the fact that she was kinda gossipy, was still a lot of fun to hang out with. So, I thought I might actually have a good time that evening.
Chapter 46
Nick
The Christmas party was coming up, and I was bringing Ava as my date. We had actually been seeing one another, on a regular basis, since things blew up with Scotty that one day. Truth be told, I was heartbroken, absolutely devastated, to lose my chance with Scotty. I couldn’t understand why she would lie to me about Thanksgiving, and why she would give Shane a chance, but not me. And I hated myself for letting a woman get to me like that. Nobody had ever gotten to me in quite the same way, and I felt like an utter fool for getting so emotionally invested in somebody that I really didn’t know that well.
So, Ava was nice and safe. She was also nuts about me. I had her wrapped around my finger. It felt much more comfortable for me, because that was always the way that it was with me and women. They fell in love with me, and I stayed emotionally unattached. That was how I preferred it, because it was too risky the other way – pining away for somebody who wanted nothing to do with me.
Scotty was a liar and a game-player, and I wasn’t having it.
I still was going to try, my very hardest, to stop being such a man-whore, so I hadn’t slept with anybody but Ava since I met her. This was in spite of the fact that Penelope had been calling again, and so was Amber, who wanted to start going out with me, and only me, after she found out that Penelope and I had broken up. I blew her off. I had zero desire to date Amber and get that whole mess started up again. I was over it, and really wanted to commit myself to somebody. That somebody was, still, Scotty, but, since that was looking increasingly impossible, that somebody was going to be Ava. I was going to force myself to commit to her and hope that my happiness came later.
One thing was for sure. If I chose to be with Amber, or somebody like her, I’d be sucked right back into the man-whore lifestyle. Since I was going to leave that lifestyle behind, I had to concentrate on somebody who was at least a little bit wholesome. Or, at the very least, a little bit less of a slut than was Amber, Penelope, and their whole modeling crew.
So, Ava became a fixture around the loft. I was having a great time with her, really. It turned out that she loved to cook, so she made me home-cooked meals, which was something that I was lacking for a long time, due to my own paucity of cooking skills, combined with the fact that the women I dated used their ovens to store their shoes. Literally.
We hung out and went to the movies and dinner and stayed around the loft and sometimes strolled around looking at Christmas lights. We had excellent conversations about everything under the sun, and the sex was getting better all the time. I felt content, if not entirely happy.
Nate called me a couple of times to congratulate me on things going well with Ava. “Ava called me, buddy, and you’ve really got her hooked. She said that she’s falling hard for you. Maybe it’s finally going to happen for you, Nick. Maybe you’ve finally found the one.”
“The one. That’s just a little bit premature, don’t you think?”
“No, it’s not. I knew when I first saw Natalie. Ryan knew when he first saw Iris. So, no, it’s not premature.”
I had that sinking feeling, talking to Nate. Because, thus far, there was no indication, whatsoever, that Ava was “the one.” She was a sweet, beautiful and classy woman. But the one? No. Not at all.
I sighed, trying to tamp down the feeling I had in my gut that Scotty was still the one. Despite her apparent duplicity, I was still very much in love with her.
“Well, Nate, Ava and I are certainly having fun. We’ll see where it goes.”
“Ok, but just don’t blow this with her. She’s a class act, and I want to see you happy.”
“Sure, Nate. I understand.” One thing about Nate - his heart was always in the right place.
We hung up, just as Ava was arriving at my apartment. She had in her arms two bags of groceries. “I’m stocking up,” she said. “Your kitchen is like a bachelor’s.”
“That’s because, you know, I’m a bachelor.”
“Well, maybe not for long,” she said with a wink.
I ignored that comment and looked in her grocery bags. She had bought chicken and eggs and prime rib and all kinds of different organic fruits and vegetables. She also bought about five different kinds of pastas and various flavors of balsamic vinegars.
“Here, taste this vinegar,” she said, putting some on a teaspoon.
I tasted it, and it was unusual, to say the least. It tasted like coffee, and it was quite delicious, really. “Mmmm. Espresso balsamic. Very good. Where’d you get that?”
“Some little shop that sells different kinds of oils and vinegars. Very eclectic. We should go there together sometime for their samples.”
“Yeah, let’s do that. Anyhow, don’t forget about the firm Christmas party this Saturday night. You don’t want to miss seeing the
senior managing partner delivering a stirring rendition of I Will Survive, let me tell you. At least, that’s what I heard – that it’s a sight to behold.”
She came up and kissed me full on the lips. “I can’t believe that I’m going to be your date to the Christmas party. Things are really getting serious, and we haven’t known each other two weeks.” Then she smiled. “I hope that things keep going this way, Nick. I really like you.”
I smiled. “I like you too, Ava.” Like you, not love you. I love somebody else.
After dinner, we watched some movies, then went up to my bedroom and had sex before falling asleep. Which was getting to be our usual routine.
Chapter 47
Scotty
So, it’s the day of the party, and I was supposed to meet Robin at 4 PM at her loft. The party would get started around 7 PM, with dinner being served, and then there would be an open bar and a DJ right there in the restaurant.
Jack had made a rare appearance that afternoon. “Gawd, Scotty, I’m just about wiped out. Just wiped out.”
“How’s lover boy?”
Jack rolled his eyes and smirked. “He’s fine. Just fine. Still in the closet, it turns out. So, he’s actually taking a woman to his Christmas party. I really oughta crash that bitch and out him right then and there, in front of God and everybody.”
I smiled. “I haven’t met this guy. Is he, uh, capable of passing?”
“Yes, Scotch. Yes, he is. He’s 100% man. He even has season tickets to the Giants. So, as it turns out, I’m his little hidden fag on the side.”
I didn’t say anything, as much as I wanted to lecture him on settling. Then again, I was not one to lecture anybody about anything relationship oriented. That was not my forte, to say the very least.
“So, Scotch. Whatever happened to beautiful boy?”
“Nick? I mean, Mr. O’Hara. I guess I haven’t seen you very much, Jack, so you don’t know what all is going on.”
“I have been kinda absent these past few weeks. Sorry about that. Anyhow, answer the question. What’s going on with him?”
