"Ah, Suzanne? You've been in here for close to an hour." What? No friggin’ way.
"I have? I swear it was like 2 minutes," I confess feeling confused. "I screwed up Kayla. Gorgeous Giggles was his long-lost goddamn cousin."
"I know. Z and Lucia explained everything so you can come out now. Z's been waiting for you in the hallway since you came in." Shit. How many ways can I say sorry to this man? "Z wants to see you, Suzanne, and I think you should let him. I explained that I may have egged you on a little," she says with a laugh.
"Ya think?" I huff thinking of Mack's license plate.
“Yeah... My bad. But as I explained, it did look pretty bad from where we were sitting, and even Lucia agreed she would have freaked out, too. She's very nice, and she finds this whole thing pretty funny actually. She even laughed about the dildo comment to me with a gag as she pointed at Z like he’s repulsive. Which I guess as her cousin he would be to her,” Kayla laughs. “Anyway, it's okay now. Z doesn't seem angry anymore, just maybe a little hurt that you don't trust him, I think," Kayla says softly which again makes everything seem worse.
Feeling like a total piece of shit is one thing, but hurting Z is entirely different. I've hurt him too often in too many ways to count over the years. And though it’s never my attention, I always seem to do it anyway.
Pulling in a big breath, I open the stall door and walk out to a sympathetic looking Kayla.
"Does Mack and Kayla know what happened? Did I ruin their wedding?" I ask desperately. If I did, I'll never forgive myself.
Shaking her head and reaching out to me, Kayla whispers, "Not at all. They're too busy to notice you missing, and we kept this on the down low. I saw you run away and Z told me everything immediately. So we've just been waiting for you to resurface while mingling casually."
Exhaling my relief I turn toward the mirror. "Oh my god! I need my purse, Kayla. Now!" I scream in a panic as she jumps beside me.
"No problem. Breathe sweetie," she says and I feel the sting of the name immediately. She forgot! She fucking forgot because she's trying to help me. "I'll go get it for you, okay?" She says kindly as I nod like I'm okay. But I'm not okay.
I look like HER again, but worse. "I'll be right back. Just relax, Suzanne," she says again all calmly like I could possibly relax if she speaks calmly.
Staring at the mirror after Kayla leaves I see I'm beyond gross. Just like last night and the good old days, I've managed to get makeup everywhere except where I need it. Somehow I wiped most of my scar foundation off completely, or smeared it in a way that it’s essentially pointless now. All the red and pink scars are showing, and the texture is very distinct without the makeup globed into the creases of the scars.
I can't believe I allowed this to happen again. I'm usually so good about never touching my face once the makeup is on so I don't mess anything up. Then again, I didn't realize I was crying in a goddamn bathroom suite for close to an hour, so how could I possibly pay attention to my face?
"Suzanne? I'm coming in," Z says firmly and I panic.
Jumping at the door, I push against it hard and lock it. "Please don't, Z! I, ah, look pretty bad right now. But I'll be out soon," I say as the door knob jiggles.
"I don't give a shit how you look I just want to be with you. Open the door, Suzanne," he tries still sounding calm. But that isn't going to last because Z hates when I lock him out of doors. "Suzanne, open the door, love. I need to see you now. I've been waiting for quite a while to talk to you." Shit. I can't yet. And he won't understand. And he's going to keep harassing me if I don’t give in as usual. And I'm going to freak out worse. "I'm just waiting for Kayla to bring my purse, okay? I'll be out in a minute, Z. I promise," I answer desperately.
Knocking again louder and harder, Z keeps pushing. "I have your purse, and Kayla is right here. I want you to open the door, love. It's just me."
Walking to the opposite wall from the door, I whisper, "I know it's you, but I don't want you to see me like this."
I know he can't hear me and that's good. When I say things like that Z is always sad or hurt. He hates that I think he cares about my ugly face, and it makes him sad that I don't trust his love enough to not care about my ugly face with him.
Z says he doesn't see anything past my eyes. He actually says that. He says such sweet things all the time to me but it's not enough. Well, what he says is enough, but how I feel never goes away no matter what he says to comfort me.
Banging on the door again as I think about all the good things he says, he isn't even hiding his frustration with me anymore. "Suzanne, this is only a knob lock which I can open within seconds with one of Kayla’s bobby pins, so please just open the door for me. I need to see you, and I want to talk to you. Now, Suzanne," he growls.
Shit! He never leaves me alone. Storming for the door I slam my fist against it. "No! Leave me the fuck alone for once!" I suddenly scream in my fear, and even I'm shocked at my anger and language.
Covering my mouth quickly with my hand, I slam back against the opposite wall from the door and hide. I hide my face and I hide my fear. I have to hide Suzanne. This isn't supposed to be me anymore, and I don't know what's happening to me.
Crying my frustration I want to hit something so badly, I just need an outlet. I need to do something to get all this tension out of my body. I wish I could talk to Mack because he would know what to do to give me immediate relief from all this tension. Mack always knows what to do with me, but he's not here.
Mack is never here anymore. And Mack probably won't be here for me anymore because he's married now, and he works full time, and Kayla wants to have children right away because she thinks she's old in her mid-thirties, and I'm going to be all alone again.
Shit, the pressure just keeps building and I can't really stop the sounds of all the anger and fear from humming in my body and hands, and I just want to empty it all from my chest.
"Suzanne," Z suddenly whispers in front of me, and I'm done.
Diving for Z I scream everything he never listens to. "Don't look at my FACE!" I scream as I hit him. Slamming into him, I hit and punch and kick him until he listens. But he never listens. Z always does whatever he wants whenever he wants to me.
"You never listen to me! You said I wasn't invisible. YOU told me that. But I am. I'm invisible, and you always look at my face!" I scream again hitting him as hard as I can as he struggles against me.
When I'm suddenly pushed into the wall behind me by Z holding my arms at my sides, he snarls down low in my face. "Calm down, Suzanne. Now. Before you hurt yourself," he breathes like he gives a shit.
"Fuck. You. You don't give a shit if I get hurt! You never do. Stop looking at my FACE!" I scream again trying to turn away from his intense angry stare.
Struggling to breathe, I close my eyes and just wait. I don't think he'll rape me but I never know for sure what men want to do to me. And I’ve never fought them this hard before, so I'm not sure what they'll do this time. I was always pretty good but they hurt me anyway. But this time I was really bad, so I don't know what they'll do to me for punishment. And I don't want it, but I don't know how to stop them and it's going to hurt again.
Sobbing, I keep still against the wall with my face turned and my eyes closed. I don't know how he'll start, but I think my fight is gone now. I think I'm just ready for whatever he's going to do to me now. I think I can survive this. I mean I have before, and I will again, I think.
Exhaling my sadness I ask the question of my nightmares. "How do you want me?" I whisper as everything changes all around me.
Instantly, the air, the pressure, and the pain changes to calm acceptance. Everything I feel and thought was true of my new life disappears with my words as my past threatens to destroy me again.
"Suzanne, it's Z," he repeats further from me as I nod.
"I know."
"You know? And you still asked me that?" He says with shock clearly heard in his tone.
"Yes. I know it's you. Just do whatev
er you want-"
"Oh fuck, Suzanne. Please don't finish that sentence. Please?" He begs.
Crying, I don't know what to do or say or even feel anymore. I feel nothing but acceptance. This is going to happen whether I like it or not, and it's going to happen whether I want it or not. I have no choice but to accept this life of mine.
"Suzanne? I need you to open your eyes and look at me," he says so quietly I almost didn't hear him. But then I did.
If I open my eyes is it still Z? Ummm... I just can't be sure and I don't want to know for sure in case it isn’t.
"I don't want to watch you hurt me," I whisper through my tears. I never want to see it. Z was a safe person. He was safe for me, but not anymore, I don't think. "You're not safe anymore. And I don't want to watch you hurt me."
"Suzanne! Wake up, love. Look at me. I'm Z. Open your fucking eyes. Right now!" He yells, and my eyes open instantly at his command. I never could disobey anyone. And I still can't.
Looking quickly at Z I see everything I forgot. He is Z. And he's crying for me I think, or maybe he's crying because of me. With beautiful dark eyes swimming in tears, he is still and silent as I try to see him clearly.
Oh my god... He is Z, and I'm losing it. He is Z and I made another mistake again.
Gasping awake my awareness of our situation I look quickly at the door and see I'm here in the private bathroom suite for the bridal party with Z. I'm not in my parents’ house and I'm not on the country club floor. I am right where I'm supposed to be. With Z.
Feeling my stomach suddenly turn, I just reach for my stomach and the stall door as the filth spews from my mouth splattering against the stall and floor. Crying and moaning at once, my knees buckle as Z grabs for me when I hit the vomit-covered floor.
"I'm dying again, I think. Um, something's wrong, Z. There's something wrong with me," I sob in his arms on the floor.
"I know, love. I know there's something. But we'll fix it, okay?" He asks. "Okay, Suzanne?" He begs shaking me slightly as he wraps his arms around me tighter.
"I’m so sorry for this. For everything all the time."
"It's okay," he whispers against my hair.
"I didn't mean to be an embarrassment to you, and I didn't mean to fail you again," I cry because that's the truth. I work so hard at being good for Z so he’ll love me.
"I'm not embarrassed and you've never failed me, Suzanne. Not once ever," he continues but he's lying to make me feel better. I know he is. How could he not be? Between last night and tonight, and his cousin, and the hitting. Oh god! I hit him again. I actually hit Z.
Crying harder, I barely hear him shushing me and I barely feel him holding me, my body is so numb. I've hit Z again. Only the third time since we've known each other, but 3 times too many. I've hit the one man who loves me beyond all reason and hope. The man who loves me way more than he should. The man who loves me even when he shouldn't.
"You shouldn't love me anymore, Z. I think you should leave me so you’re free."
Pulling away from my body to look at my eyes, Z cuts me off immediately. "That is never going to happen, Suzanne. So cut the shit, love. We're going to figure this out," he pushes.
"There's nothing to figure out!" I scream in his face. "Christ! Nothing ever changes."
"Everything changes."
"Nothing changes, Z! Look at us. Look at me! Even after years with you, I'm exactly where I started. I'm sitting on a floor covered in vomit, scared and freaked out losing my mind again. I never change."
Growling in my face, Z yells back. "You have changed! Jesus Christ! Look at where we're at. Look at how far you've come. Look at how far our relationship has come together. Yes, this is an episode, or a something, but we'll figure it out. We always do," he yells again in my face. But I know he's wrong this time. I can feel it. This time there’s no coming back for me.
"You have to make a change, Z, because I can't. I'm too weak to do it, and I love you too much to do it."
"Right back at you, Suzanne. I'm too weak and I love you too much to make a change. So we're not changing anything. We're moving forward together." God, he's so stubborn. He never listens to anything I have to say.
"Listen to me."
"I'm listening, but nothing is going to change."
"Because you never listen to me."
"I always listen to you," he argues back again, just adding to my sad frustration.
And I am frustrated. I think I see the whole picture now. I see how we coast along happy and then a thing hits and we go backward. We always do this. Or rather I always do this. No matter what happens though Z stays the same, and I never do. I can't keep up the good all the time, and we always slide back to the bad again. Yes, it's only been a few 'episodes' as Dr. Phillips calls them, but they've been there anyway. And it's always me and my shit that does it to us.
"I want to go home," I cry as he stands immediately. Not even acknowledging the vomit on and around us he stands and pulls me up with him. Leaning into me Z attempts to tuck me into his side, but I can't stand to be touched right now.
Pulling away I need my space if I'm going to keep thinking this clearly. If I give into Z loving me I'll go back to believing everything will be okay. I'll believe him because he tells me everything will be okay all the time.
But I know he's wrong this time because I finally see it clearly.
I’m crazy, and annoying, and so goddamn dramatic, it takes too much from people to love me. It is too time consuming, and too exhausting. I am annoying and screwed up, and just a total waste at this point.
I once believed I could be saved. I believed it and even wanted it for myself. I thought Mack was right about the good in me, and I believed my Kaylas friendships would help me. I even trusted Z when he told me we were meant to be together. I believed him when he said I was worth his love. But I know the truth now. And I don't believe anyone anymore.
I will always be this way. Annoying to some, and a burden to others. People think I don't know what they really think of me. People roll their eyes and bite their tongues. People shake their heads and want to smack me. I know that. But I can't help who I am or who I’ve become. I've tried so hard to get better for years now, but I always come back to this version of myself.
I am forever scarred and broken, no matter how lovely the bandage tries to look on the outside.
I will always be the screwed-up chick who was enslaved by her parents and abused by strangers. I am a horror movie. I am damaged beyond repair and I’m tired of trying to be fixed. I will never be fixed because it's simply too late for me.
"What are you thinking?" Z asks gently, and I tell him the truth. It's the least he deserves from me.
"I shouldn't have been saved," I whisper back as he flinches in front of me. But I don't care anymore what he feels. I know the truth, and I told him the truth now.
Walking away, right out of the bathroom suite, I pass Kayla and Lucia and her husband hiding my face as best as I can. With my hair wisps artfully falling around my face, I use them as the only shield I have to escape this wedding, and this scene, and this life I'm forever trapped in.
When Z touches my back, I shrug him off. When he begins speaking to me, I shake my head to stop. When he opens the front door to the banquet hall while ignoring other guests who call out his name, I'm grateful.
Hailing the first cab I see, I'm on autopilot. I'm not thinking, and I don't care about anything right now. I want to get this giant ass-bow off my body, and I want to shower away all the dirty.
Really, I just want to sleep with my new reality.
I shouldn't have been saved. I know that now, and everyone else should know it and accept it too.
It’s time.
CHAPTER 7
Entering our apartment, Z waits to see what I want to do. I know he is because he always takes his silent cues from me, which sucks.
A man like Z shouldn't have to worry or wait, or pussyfoot around because his wife is a goddamm psycho. He should walk however he w
ants wherever he wants because he is Z. Beautiful, delicious, accomplished, wealthy, sexy as hell Z.
But here he is pausing near the door to watch for my crazy before he can proceed once again.
"Will you help me get this dress off?" I ask quietly hearing my raspy voice for the first time since the banquet hall.
My voice is that desperate, sad sounding raspy voice of tears and anger and screams. It's the voice I hate. The voice phone sex operators would love to have actually, I suddenly giggle.
"Here?" He asks gently and I quickly understand his question. I'm still standing in the doorway of our condo.
"No. Sorry," I walk toward our bedroom.
Flipping on the bedroom light, I immediately walk to his side of the bed and turn on the lamp which gives off only a little soft light. Walking back to the door I turn off the overhead light as Z watches me from the doorway. I look mental I know, but I always hate walking in the dark, though I'm not comfortable standing in the bright light of our room either.
Huh. That's a fairly good analogy for my life as well. I hate walking in my darkness, but I'm not comfortable standing in the light of my life either. Wow, that was so Suzanne dramatic, I can only giggle again in the deafening silence around us.
"Let me help you," Z walks slowly toward me like he's nervous I'll freak out. And actually if he had walked to me quickly I probably would have freaked out any other night. But not tonight. Not when my mind is so clear and focused on everything around me. All my reactions, and all my behaviors are very clear to me. And also clear to Z apparently.
Turning, I feel Z unhook the little catch above the bow before he slowly loosens the zipper hidden under the giant ass-bow. Pulling my dress upward, I shimmy my arms up and out of the weird crisscross straps that are almost stuck in my skin because they held me so tightly all night.
God, I didn't even need a bra because the crisscross straps were so tight they actually pushed my breasts up and out almost like a bustier in the front, while providing lovely back fat gooshes in between straps. Overall, not a dress I would have ever picked for any woman bigger than a size 0.
We are US... (I am HER... Book 3) Page 10
