“I had a daughter. And she was beautiful, but now she's dead," I cry as the agony takes my breath away again.
"Suzanne. You don't have a daughter," Z whispers as I choke.
"I know. Because she's dead," I cry my loss.
"No, because you don't have a daughter. There is no daughter, Suzanne."
"Not anymore," I weep dying with her.
"Not ever. Listen to me," Z says sitting on my other side. "Listen! You haven't had a baby yet. You haven't had a daughter yet. There is no daughter, Suzanne," he says squeezing my shoulders into his chest so tightly, I don't even fight him. "There is no daughter yet. No one died, love. Can you understand me?"
But I can't understand because I saw her. I watched her raped, and I watched her slide to the floor before she died. I watched her horror and I heard her call my name.
"Mommy?" I whisper her word so powerful to me.
Watching her scream, I know that pain. I know what that horror feels like, and I know the desperation that makes you wish you were dead. I know that agony, and I know that defeat.
“She begged me, and I didn’t save her.”
"Baby, listen. You're in our bed, and you had a panic attack. You don't have a daughter, now or before. Suzanne, you're safe, love. No one will get you here," Z pushes as the heavy weight of agony starts to lesson with his words.
"But they will get her eventually," I gasp as the pain crushes me once more.
"They will NEVER get her, Suzanne."
Suddenly throwing up on my bed as he moves quickly, I know the truth. I know it so clearly because I always did. This is why I didn't want to be a mother. "They'll get her, Z. They always do," I cry and gag before vomiting again.
"Suzanne. Look at me. It's Mack." Pressing my hand against my chest to stop the pain, moaning on my bed to fight the vomit, I need Mack to save her.
“Z doesn't understand,” I beg reaching and squeezing Mack’s arm. “He doesn't know what you know they did to me. But they'll get her Mack. They’ll rape and torture and kill her."
Bending low into my vision Mack shakes his head fiercely. "They will never get her, Suzanne," Mack pushes ignoring me like Z does.
"He raped and killed my daughter while I watched. I couldn't save her, Mack. No one can because she's mine, and they always kill my daughter."
"Enough!" Z yells at my side making me jump. "Feel your stomach. Feel it right now!" He yells again pushing my hand to my stomach. "The baby is still in there. You haven't had a baby yet. So no one died, and no one will. I'm telling you, she isn't here yet. Wake up now, Suzanne. Wake up and see your reality," Z yells again scaring me awake.
"But it was so horrible," I cry more tears of agony. "She's beautiful, Z. She looks dark like you but she has my eyes," I choke. "Then they just stopped seeing. They stopped Z after she called my name. She begged me to help her but I couldn't stop him."
Holding me again, Z shushes and soothes as I break down in his arms. He'll never understand what that was like to see and feel. And he'll never understand what it's like to watch your child die. "You don't know what it's like to see her die," I weep.
"But you didn't, Suzanne. You had a bad dream. A very bad dream. But that's all it was- a very bad dream."
"But she died."
"In. A. Dream. Not in real life and never in my lifetime. No one will ever hurt our baby, Suzanne. Ever," he growls pulling me away to stare hard at me again. "Never. I'm telling you our child will be safe always."
"But-"
"There is NO but. Have you ever been touched or hurt since we've been together? Have you?"
"No."
"No. Because it will never happen again. And no child of mine will ever be hurt the way you were. Ever, Suzanne."
"But..." I whisper quietly as reality slides into place. Almost as quickly as I lost touch with reality, it's suddenly coming back to me. Staring at Z, smelling of vomit, scared and shaking, I'm here. I'm right here now with Mack only a foot from us watching in my bedroom as I come back to us.
"I'm sorry... But it was so real."
"It's okay, love. You had a bad dream you couldn't wake up from," Z soothes again. "But it wasn't real."
"It wasn't real," I agree slowly looking around my room at all our things. My dresser and Z's, and the glass door to the atrium, and the door to our bathroom beside his closet. Everything is real now, but the pain still feels so real.
"I feel like I'm still mourning her, Mack, and I don't know what to do."
"You just breathe Suzanne until the panic fades and the dream fades back from real to a nightmare. That's all you do. Breathe your way back to the present reality you have with Z."
"Um, I don't want to have a daughter," I whisper as Mack sits on my bed beside us.
Smiling, he actually shakes his head before speaking. "Well, that's not really up to you, and there's nothing you can do about it now. But if you have a daughter you'll learn to fight past the fear for her. You will, because as a parent that's all you can do."
"But I don't want her to ever be hurt. And she's so pretty, and men are so evil, and she's going to get hurt," I sit up so sure of myself. "I think this was a warning or something."
“No it wasn't, Suzanne.”
“I didn’t want to tell you, but I don’t want to have a daughter. I’m afraid of a daughter. I really don’t want one, and Z says son or daughter all the time and I almost cry I’m so afraid. I can’t have one, Mack. And now I know what’s going to happen to her if I do, and I won’t survive it, Mack. I won’t because I’ve seen what happens to her.”
Leaning back into me, Mack takes my hand tightly and smiles softly as I try to breathe again. “It wasn’t a vision Suzanne. You had a bad dream.”
“But I saw what happens if I have a daughter.” Just above a whisper I try to make Mack understand, “I saw it.”
“Suzanne, that wasn’t a vision of your future. That was a bad dream because you're stressed out and Z is being an asshole right now. You had a very bad dream only," Mack says as I actually startle at the Z's being an asshole part. "Let me ask you this- was Z in your dream with you?"
"No."
"And why is that? Why wasn't he there protecting your daughter?"
"I don't know," I admit as Z's head suddenly lowers beside me when I look at him.
"Could it be because he hasn't been there for you during this pregnancy? Maybe because you just wrote to him in your journal telling him how scared and alone you felt, you had a horrible nightmare and Z wasn't there to help you or to protect your daughter? Maybe because you don’t feel like he’s here for you now, you dreamt of him not being there for you then?" Oh.
"Um, maybe? I don't know. It just felt like I was supposed to see what was happening, and I was supposed to protect her, but I didn't because I couldn't get through the glass because I'm a bad mom. Just like I was with Thomas," I cry again as more upset shakes me. "I think I failed them both, Mack."
"You didn't fail Thomas- nature did when he was taken from you. He wasn’t taken from you because of anything you did wrong. And your daughter wasn't taken from you because she's not here yet. You don't have a daughter to fail, and neither does Z."
"Oh..." Huh. Seeing everything the way Mack just said it makes me feel better suddenly. She's NOT here, so I didn't let her die, and maybe I won't fail her if I do have her one day. "Maybe I can protect her from bad men," I whisper to no one as Z grabs me quickly into his arms.
"I'm so sorry, Suzanne, but we will protect a daughter, I promise. Not one bad man will ever get to her, I swear. You never have to fear like that because it will never happen. We aren't your parents, and we aren't bad people who do bad things to children. We aren’t like your parents or mine with sick fucking people around wanting to hurt children. Look at who our people are- our safe people. No one will ever do that to her. She won't have your life, baby. She will never have your life or past. Believe me. Please," Z begs and I do believe him. Looking at him speaking so fiercely to me, I believe him totally.
“I
believe you. But I still don’t want a daughter, Z. And I don’t think I’ll handle it very well if I do. And I’m scared I’m going to have an episode if I do, and I really don’t want a daughter.” Looking at Mack, I know he gets this. I know he understands. “A daughter will be a mistake, Mack.”
“Not a mistake, Suzanne. It’ll be a challenge for you. But you’ve had challenges before and survived them. And if you hold a daughter in your arms, I guarantee you’ll fight to deal with that challenge as well. Because as Z said, you are surrounded by safe people who will protect your daughter to the end.”
“But what if they can’t?” I whisper my biggest fear desperately.
“They can, Suzanne. And we will. No one could get past Z, Marty or me to your daughter. And can you even imagine what your Kaylas would do to someone even thinking of hurting your daughter?” Faking a shiver, I almost laugh at his face until he ends this for me finally. “She will never be you Suzanne. And if you have ever believed a single word I’ve said to you, then believe that. If you have a daughter, Suzanne, she will never be her.”
Oh, god. That’s it. I don’t want my daughter to be HER. Ever.
“I was HER… But she doesn’t have to be,” I whisper my reality to no one but myself as the silence suddenly clears my mind. "I need to shower," I jump up so quickly I almost smash my head on Z's chin.
"Suzanne?"
"It's just a shower to clean away the vomit. I'm okay. Thank you, Mack. Again. Always," I fake smile as he nods. "It's just a shower Z, and I'll clean up the bed later. I'll talk to you about everything tomorrow, Mack, I promise." Turning, I close and lock the bathroom door before I cry again in front of them.
I know it was a bad dream now. I get that totally. It mean, it was so real, and her face was exactly as I imagined that it’s hard to suddenly turn off the upset, but it is fading.
God, she was exactly as I imagined she would be though. Oh. Maybe because it was my imagination creating the dream. Wow. Okay, that makes so much sense I feel way better now.
Stepping into the shower, I realize even if they say they could protect a girl I still really hope I have a boy so I don’t fear his life as much as I would hers. Because honestly, if I do ever have a daughter and she gets hurt like I was, I don’t know that anyone would survive it, least of all me.
➰➰➰➰➰
Walking out of the bathroom however long later I stop to watch Z just finish smoothing down the comforter I don't like as much as our normal one on our bed. Then again, barfers can't be choosers so...
"Thank you. I was going to change the sheets after my shower."
"It's no problem," Z says stopping with the pillow under his chin for the pillow case shimmy. "How are you feeling? Are you still freaked out by the dream?"
"No. It kind of faded away when reality surfaced. Is Mack still here?"
"No, he wanted to get home to Matthew," Z smiles and I understand totally. I’d want to go home to my baby too if I had one.
Looking at the clock, I realize it’s only 5:15 which surprises me. It feels so much later, and Z doesn't usually get home till 5:30.
"Why did you come home early?" Walking over to the throw blanket on the chaise, I fold it up to lie at the end of our bed where it belongs.
"Today's Tuesday," he says not looking at me as he finishes the pillow.
"Yeah. Oh, you were at your session with Mack."
"Yes," he nods sitting on the side of our bed suddenly. "Your best friend called my best friend to tell him what an asshole I was, and my best friend told me off for being an insensitive asshole to you," Z says softly with just a little grin that fades quickly.
Shit. I feel really bad suddenly. Almost like I betrayed him or something when I talked to Kayla which was not my intention earlier.
"I wish she hadn’t done that, Z. I just needed to talk to a friend, and I never expected her to run to Mack or for him to confront you."
"Suzanne, it’s okay to talk to your friends. And it's okay for them to tell me off when I'm an asshole. That's what friends do."
"I know, but during a session is different. That time isn't about friends or our issues. It's about your time to talk to your doctor," I huff feeling a little pissed at both Kayla and Mack suddenly.
Turning to me Z motions to sit beside him, which I do. "To be fair, Mack waited until after our official session, then he let me have it in the hallway," Z laughs. "It’s okay, Suzanne. I didn't really see everything clearly, and I didn't understand how my upset was affecting you, though I absolutely should've. And I'm very sorry for that."
Leaning into his shoulder I nudge him and whisper, 'It's okay', as he takes my hand and kisses my forehead.
"Can I tell you something?"
"Of course."
"Losing Thomas was brutal for me. But almost losing you time and time again has been the worst feeling in my life. There has been nothing that comes even close, except for Thomas. And though I'm passed the initial hurt, I'm still stunned by how it all went down. And now that you're pregnant, I'm just scared, Suzanne. Like totally fucking scared shitless something bad is going to happen again."
"I know. I feel the same."
“But boy or girl, Suzanne, I want this and I want you.” Doing his intense stare at my eyes thing he finishes this. “And you both will always be protected from bad people. I promise you.”
“I believe you.”
Inhaling deeply, Z shakes his head before confessing. "I read your journal before I realized you were having a nightmare. Mack was here to talk to both of us, but I saw your journal and I read it first while he waited silently in the den. And you know, it was your last 2 sentences that woke me up and pulled my head out of my ass, because you're right. I don't want to not care about this pregnancy if we lose this baby, and I don't want to not care if we don't lose the baby. I was so scared of feeling what I felt before and experiencing the disappointment and mourning I suffered before, I was too weak to enjoy this one. But you were totally bang on with me, and I'm really sorry for that. I'm sorry it took you telling me what I was doing to you and us to understand what I was really doing to this baby, too."
"It's okay, Z. But I don't want to just live day to day feeling nothing in case something bad happens because then I'll have no memories good or bad. And I've already done that once. This baby is special to me and I want to love it and enjoy it and spoil it before it’s even here. But if you don't want this-"
"Stop," Z cuts me off abruptly. "I read that shit in your journal too. And to be honest, I was kinda pissed at you for that. Really, Suzanne? I may be freaked out about the baby not surviving but I'm not freaked that we're having one. And I sure as hell want a baby with you. I never want you to leave. And really?" He glares at me suddenly. "'I'll leave if you don't want me or this baby?' What kind of bullshit was that?" He snaps angrily.
"Um, I didn't know. I was just giving you options I guess, in case I trapped you with this because I didn't ask you first. Look, I thought I'd surprise you and I wanted to give this to you, but I didn't even think about asking you first, so-"
"You assumed the worst of me again. And actually entertained for even one minute that I'd want to be apart from not only you, but our baby as well. What kind of bullshit is that?"
"I didn't know!" I gasp at his anger.
"Well, do you now?"
"Yes."
"Good. Now kiss me!" Z yells and after a split second pause of confusion, I finally just burst out laughing. We really are a pair of whack jobs. Honestly. "Kiss me, Suzanne. I need to feel you," Z says so sadly I lean into him for a kiss.
Soft and sweetly, Z holds the good side of my face with his hand and reaches around my hip to pull me over his lap. Stretching the bottom of my long nightgown to straddle his thighs we kiss. Kissing, we are slow and beautiful, and everything ugly fades between us as it always does when we kiss.
Against my lips he breathes he's sorry again as I pull him tighter to me in forgiveness. I know he's sorry, and I know he wouldn't hurt me
intentionally. I know we're just trying to get through the big things as best as we can.
When I feel him start trying to inch up my nightgown I panic. "I haven't shaved my legs."
"I don't care," he growls.
"No, like in a while," I giggle embarrassed. "You haven't wanted me and I was tired, and my legs are really hairy, Z," I hide my face in his shoulder mortified.
"Suzanne," he grins turning my face to him. "You threw up on me an hour ago, so hairy legs is nothing," he smirks as I laugh again.
Nodding at his attempt at humor, I lean back in for a kiss. Kissing, Z continues with the rise of my nightgown, and though I think of my nasty legs again, I really don't care. I need him and I want him.
"It's been so long," I moan out loud when he turns us so I'm on my back on our bed. "I've missed you," I tear up a little when he lowers his head to kiss my chest.
Feeling his hands touch me softly, I revel in everything Z. He is so warm against my skin I breathe him into me. Waiting for him to suck my nipples in deep, Z just makes contact when I nearly jump off the bed.
Watching him raise his head as my hand grabs my own nipple, I'm shocked by the pain. "Ah, I'm not sure-"
"Sensitive, love?" He grins and I realize I am. Huh. It's not like I play with my own nipples, so I didn't know.
"Apparently," I smile as he lowers again to nip my hand away before taking my nipple again a little softer. Oh, I feel the difference. Moaning, I can't stop myself as his hand slides down my hip to my thigh and back up, pulling my nightgown with his hand.
Ignoring my hairy legs completely, Z opens me up as he inches further down my body. Kissing my Thomas scar like he always does, he spends a little more time on my belly kissing and mumbling words I can't hear or understand to my bump.
"Off," he growls moving down my body onto his knees as my hips lift instantly for him to pull my nightgown off. Ripping it overhead as I wait, Z stares at my naked body like he always does, and I actually feel my arousal climb in seconds.
Leaning back on our pillows, I watch Z watching me as he raises my good leg over his shoulder to kiss me where I'm desperate to be kissed. Working his way lower, I feel the gentle insertion of a finger just as I feel his tongue lick me all the way up my middle to my clit. Pausing, Z stares at my eyes and begins flicking me with his tongue so quickly, I gasp and arch to the thrill of his mouth.
We are US... (I am HER... Book 3) Page 35
