"Okay. We're going and you have to call Z," Kayla glares until I nod. "We'll bring her back as soon as we can. It's a little over the top, but we don't know who’s watching us and now that the press knows all about everything there are reporters everywhere." Nodding, I knew that too, I just wouldn't read or watch any news regarding me.
"Thank you for bringing her to me," I say robotically as I hold the emotion is check. Reminding myself over and over again this isn’t forever, this is just for right now like a chant, I’m able to watch them open the door to leave with my baby.
"You can always call me to talk, Suzanne. I tried calling you as I'm sure you recall, then I stopped trying. But I've been waiting for you to come around. I miss you too, Suzanne. And I think you need to understand you're not the only one missing people. We're suddenly all without you as well. But I'm still your speed-dial, okay?" He touches my arm as I exhale.
"I know. It's just been so hard."
"For everyone, not just for you. Though I do recognize your pain is much deeper and stronger than ours. But we feel it too, Suzanne," he says so sadly I step right into his hug.
"I do miss you very much."
"Ugh. We have to go, and you two are going to make me cry," Kayla leans in to quickly kiss my forehead as I kiss my own daughter’s forehead goodbye again.
"Go. I'll be okay," I smile lamely and they do.
"Call Z," Kayla adds walking to the elevators with Mack's hand on her back and my daughter nestled between them.
Closing and locking the door, I smile cry my way back to my room to lie down beside my daughter's memory.
➰➰➰➰➰
“Have they left yet?” Z asks so anxiously I smile. He sounds exactly the same as he always did with me.
“Yes, 5 minutes ago.” When Z exhales he sounds so worried about Mackenzie, I know I made the right choice, not only for picking him as the father of my child, but when I stepped out of the equation for him. “Thank you, Z. That was very kind of you.”
“It wasn’t kind of me, Suzanne. It was right of me.”
“Well, thank you. That was an amazing surprise- almost like a special Christmas gift I’ll never forget.”
“I don’t want you to ever forget Mackenzie… or me,” Z whispers painfully as I tear up to the sound of his voice.
Desperately trying to lighten the mood I ask, “How could I forget you? You’re super sexy Z Zinfandel.”
Now what? I don’t know what else to say, and Z isn’t replying or teasing me back. For once the silence is very thick between us, and we both seem almost stuck in the nothing and everything between us.
“Well, I should-“
“You know what this reminds me of?” Z asks cutting off my goodbye.
“Um, hell?” I ask seriously until we both laugh sadly.
“Yes, that. But more importantly, I keep thinking of that bible verse about the king who threatened to cut a baby in half when 2 women were claiming the baby as their own. I don’t know how it goes exactly, but I get the jist of it, and I keep thinking of it over and over again.”
When there is another painful pause I finally ask, “Why?”
“What you did when you walked away last Friday. Ah, I really didn’t know what to do right away. I mean I knew we’d win eventually, but that day, after the judge had changed the emergency custody hearing to Monday, I didn’t know what to do. Monday seemed forever away, but weeks or even a month without Mackenzie seemed like an eternity. And as of that moment with you, I really didn’t know how to get her back quickly. And even if I did know what to do, I never could’ve asked it of you. That was something I could never ask you to do, but you didn’t make me ask. You offered, then pushed, then just made the decision without me so I could get her back quickly. You made the selfless choice I could’ve never done myself or ever asked you to do for her. But you did it. And I’m so grateful, Suzanne,” he finally exhales choking up again while I desperately hold all my own sadness inside for him. “You were the mother who would rather walk away without her baby alone in agony, then see her child cut in half.”
“I didn’t do that. I, ah, just wanted her safe with you.”
“Which is exactly the same thing, love. And I can never thank you enough.”
“She’s your daughter, Z.”
“And she’s your daughter, Suzanne.”
“I know, but it’s not the same thing.”
“Actually, it’s exactly the same thing. Except you were willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for me and her. And I will never forget what you did. I’ll never let Mackenzie forget what you did for her when everything around us turned into this nightmare.”
Feeling exhausted suddenly, I need to end this. Talking to Z hurts every part of me that misses him like an agony I’m drowning in. Talking to him and hearing his dark chocolate voice tell me I did a good thing actually hurts because I want to cry ‘I made a mistake, and I want her back, and I didn’t think it would take this long.’ But it has taken long and it probably will take much longer. And I don’t know how much longer I can stop from begging Z to give her back to me. I don’t know how to stop myself from walking into my old home and stealing her right out from under him.
“I have to go,” I whisper before the pain is heard in my shaking voice.
“I understand. Please just wait a little longer, Suzanne, and I promise I’ll fix this. Soon, okay?”
“Sure…” I whisper back like I actually believe in soon.
CHAPTER 38
Sitting on the couch knitting I honestly feel the insanity coming. Like last time, I know it's near and I know it's going to get me, but I don't know what's going to set it off completely or what I'm going to do with it when it comes. I know it's almost here, and though I'm fighting it with everything I have left, it's getting really hard to keep fighting.
2 days ago I bought a new beautiful little journal I found in a cheesy New York gift shop down the street. The store itself was cheesy, but surprisingly the journal wasn't. I remember knowing I needed it and wanting it for her so badly, I was shaking at checkout.
And when I returned home with the soft pink leather journal I began writing to Mackenzie.
Crazily, and often without rhyme or reason I wrote everything I felt when I first saw her. I told her of the fear and happiness and the complete love I felt when I held her finally. And I even wrote about everything I've thought and felt for her since.
I told her about me and Z together before her and I told her about me and Z apart. In a continuous stream of what the fuck, I cried sometimes, giggled, and even blushed when I explained how her dad could make me blush with just an eyebrow wiggle. Obviously, I didn't write to her the dirty things I do with Z, but I did explain that together Z and I had an intensely passionate, crazy, exhausting relationship filled with love. And then I told her that's how she was made.
I told Mackenzie everything, without all my nasty past details in specifics but everything nonetheless. From my ugly past, to my current uncertainty in their lives I told her where I'm at and what I would love, which is to know her.
I told her my good, bad, ugly and beautiful honestly. I told her I loved her, no matter what happens or what the future holds for all of us.
Afterward, I simply cried my eyes out holding Mackenzie's journal.
Later when Z called to update me on nothing, he could tell I was breaking down and when he asked, I told him what I did. I told him about the journal and though I heard his voice change to sad, he kept it together long enough to promise me I'd be able to give her the journal myself soon.
Soon.
God, everything in my life is completely dependent on soon. And soon is killing me. The court date for Z is soon, Christmas is soon, Kayla will come around soon (according to Chicago Kayla) and I won't always be this sad and lonely... soon.
But I'm losing it, I know it.
When I went to the store yesterday for a baguette and some Nutella which I was craving like I was still pregnant with Mackenzie, I felt off. I became p
aranoid and stressed in the store and I had that creepy feeling of being watched. I felt it all over me and inside me again until I had to take a pill to stop the paranoia from making me mental in the store.
It was so bad I called Z to ask if I was still being followed. And thankfully he said yes. In his ever calm voice dealing with me these days, he promised I was safe and I was relieved. Knowing my creeped out feeling was just a feeling that couldn't turn to a bad situation relieved me enough to stop the shaking in the store.
Thanking Z once again for looking out for me, I paid for my baguette and Nutella, enjoyed his laugh when I told him what I was craving and I left the store quickly without incident for the hotel. But Z stayed on the phone with me the whole time anyway. Talking about everything Mackenzie and what his lawyers were working on Z stayed with me until I quickly closed and locked the hotel door behind me.
And then we both exhaled.
Loudly and obviously, we exhaled together my fear, and his uncertainty about my mental health. I knew he was worried I'd lose it and I didn't even blame him. Because realistically I know an 'episode' is coming, just as I know any public anything concerning crazy Suzanne Zinfandel is going to hurt all of us, but most of all Mackenzie.
So here I am the very next day, sitting on this couch alone, knitting quietly, crying and screaming inside while the insanity slowly grows threatening to break me if I don't get out of my head soon.
It's December 22nd, my daughter is 18 days old, and I've only seen her twice in 18 days.
Jumping at the sudden knock, I wait for her voice. Kayla Lefferts is the only person who visits me and she always announces herself so I don't go for a knife to protect myself.
"Suzanne?" Kayla yells knocking again.
"Coming. Just a sec."
Dropping my knitting, I run for the bathroom quickly to check my face. Wow, thank god I checked. Crying and foundation are NOT friends and sadly I can't have both.
Quickly reapplying the thick foundation on my scars, I'm so fast I'm worried it looks too gloopy, but I also don't have time to make it perfect. Kayla has never been known for her patience, and I can't handle the constant door knocking or yelling her impatience always turns to.
"I'm coming!" I yell rounding the couch as I reach for the door.
Opening to both Kaylas I'm a little surprised, but not really. They often tag-team like the Rinaldi sisters do, and I think I always knew this was coming. Shit.
Walking right past me with Kayla MacDonald following, Kayla asks, "Can you go get dressed properly so we can get out of here?"
"Out of here?" I ask like a moron staring at a quiet New York Kayla.
"Yup. We," she says pointing between themselves, "have last minute oh shit gifts to buy for Christmas and we want you to come with us."
Gasping, I can't tear my eyes away from New York Kayla. "But..." Ugh. I have NO idea what to say here. "I thought you hated me."
"I never hated you. I'm was fucking pissed at you, but I don't hate you Suzanne. I hate who you become when you lose your shit, and I hate how dark you turn on us when you can't deal. But I don't hate you."
"I'm so sorry, Kayla. I never meant what I said. I was just so stunned and heartbroken and angry and I know I was horrible to you, but I never believed for even one second you had anything to do with everything that happened. Never."
"I know-"
"Wait. To tell you the truth, I'm glad Mackenzie has you. Like so thankful she has a mother like you in her life." Keeping in the tears, I force myself to continue even when she steps a foot closer to me. "I love you and I think you're just so amazing, and with the way you are with Matthew I want you to be her mother," I burst into tears. Holy SHIT, this is killing me. "You're way better than I am and she needs a good mother and I'm so grateful-"
"You are her mother, Suzanne. I'm just a stand in," Kayla says reaching to squeeze my hand.
"But you shouldn't be her stand in. You should be her mom because then she won't be screwed up." Am I actually saying this? "Um, maybe Z should just stop trying to figure all this shit out and leave it the way it is. He has custody and he's happy, and Mackenzie will be happy, and if you keep standing in she'll have a good life." Exhaling, I see everything so clearly again, I wish I could stop this bout of clarity, but I can't. For Mackenzie I can't. "You should tell Z to leave things the way they are..." I whisper.
Gasping a quick breath, both Kaylas stare at me and no one moves. I don't know what else I can say, and I don't know how to make this happen.
"Talk to Z for me," I whisper touching her coat sleeve. "Convince him I'm right. Tell him he needs to keep doing what he's doing with Mackenzie- parenting her, loving her, and caring for her. Tell him to keep me out of her life so she can have a good life. Z has never done anything wrong, except love me. And he shouldn't be punished for that anymore. And neither should Mackenzie."
"He's not being punished for loving you. He's being fucked over by your crazy bitch of a mother for loving you."
"But it's basically the same thing. It is," I push until she understands. "Whether I'm screwing him up or she is screwing him over, it always comes back to me, and I think it always will. She may have been quiet for a couple years but I should’ve always known she wasn't finished with me. She'll never finish until I'm either dead or locked away forever. Until I'm broken completely she'll find more to use against me or she'll use more people to hurt me with. And that shouldn't be Z's life, or especially Mackenzie's."
Waiting for something to be said, Kayla is looking at me like she actually wants to slap my face, or maybe hug me. I really can't tell anymore what she's thinking by her facial expressions, and I don't have much more patience to give this. 18 days is less than 3 weeks, I know. But it may as well be an eternity in hell as far as my heart is concerned.
"Are you really willing to walk away from your daughter, Suzanne?"
"I-"
"Think long and hard about what you say right now. Be really fucking sure about the answer you give me right now, because I'm telling you what you say right now is the absolute end of everything between not only me and Mack, but Z and Mackenzie as well. So make damn sure you know what you're saying right now."
"I am-"
"THINK!" She yells at me as I flinch. "Think before you speak, or so help me Kayla won't even be able to pull me off you. I will beat the fucking shit out of you before you even finish speaking. So be sure, Suzanne," she snaps at me again as I stare at her stunned.
"What? Um, why are you so mad at me?" Honestly, I don't get it. I'm telling her she's the better mother and I'm telling her to help Z let go. "What am I doing wrong here?"
"Giving up? Being a pushover? Being a total pussy because things are hard?"
"Things aren't hard Kayla, they're all-consuming, and exhausting, and painful, and almost deadly for me," I admit.
"For your child and husband?"
"No. Not for them. To let them go," I finally cry.
"Be really fucking sure, Suzanne. Because this will be forever. Z will never forgive you or love you again. And I guarantee when Mackenzie is old enough to understand, she'll know only a mother who walked away when things were tough for her. That's what she'll know, and that's what neither Z nor Mackenzie will ever forgive."
"It not about me, Kayla. It's for them!" I scream until she shuts up and listens to me. "What are you talking about? Why the hell wouldn't they forgive me for walking away and leaving them in peace? Why wouldn't they see my sacrifice?" I yell shaking at her aggression. What the hell is going on here?
"What sacrifice?" She yells back.
"Saying goodbye to them so they're safe from me, and everything that comes with me."
"Safe from what? Your bitch mother?"
"Among other things."
"Like?"
"You know, Kayla."
"No, I don't. Tell me."
"Kayla?" Chicago Kayla suddenly intervenes, but neither Kayla nor I acknowledge her.
"Tell me. What will they be safe from if
you pussy out and step aside like a fucking martyr?" A martyr? "Tell me! You chose to have this baby. You carried her and birthed her, and she's alive. She a beautiful little girl and now you made a mistake? So tell me, Suzanne. What the fuck are you keeping them safe from?" She screams so loudly her voice actually cracks.
"Me." Shit. There it is again. As usual. "From me okay. From the crazyass mother with the even crazier past. From the screwed up wife who exhausts her husband, and from the mother Mackenzie will be embarrassed by. From the woman who wears death and insanity around her neck like the goddamn necklace she loves. Me, Kayla. Because let's face it, even if Z figures this out, or fixes it, or works his Zinfandel magic all he and Mackenzie will gain is me. And that's not safe for them, or sane for anyone."
"Because you're scared?"
"Of course I'm scared. Jesus Christ! I'm living in a hotel with hope the only thing keeping me from popping pills or accidentally falling on my metal knitting needle through my chest. Hope is all there is keeping my insanity away, and hope is for me very lonely. Z doesn't need hope because he has everything he wants."
"Except you," she pushes.
"Without me, look at where he's at. His life is exactly the same but better. He has a daughter he loves without the emotional bullshit being with me requires. And Mackenzie will be raised with love and safety and support. She has all of you without all my crazy mental crap following her around."
"And you?"
"I get to stop hoping," I exhale slowly. "I get to stop being mad and sad, and lonely and unhappy all the time. I get to say goodbye so I can move away from this life I wanted but wasn't meant to have. I get to say goodbye to my husband and daughter so they can have good lives away from the unhappy crazy that is me. They get to be away from the demons and past that always comes back to slap me whenever I think I'm finally happy. That's what they get. And I'm not being a martyr, Kayla, I'm trying to do the right thing for once. I'm trying to exit their lives so they are free to live them."
We are US... (I am HER... Book 3) Page 45
