"Suzanne?" Mack whispers forcing me to shake my head immediately to clear it. “Almost, Suzanne. Just hang on a little longer,” he smiles kindly.
"I'm good. Sorry."
"I have to go," he smiles again before squeezing my shoulder.
Watching Mack walk away I feel so alone suddenly. Kind of scared, but mostly nervous. Everything is banking on this hearing, and if Z loses there is nothing left to do for me for a long, long while. Z can keep Mackenzie of course, but I can't be a part of their lives as a constant. Everyone thinks this should go well though, and as a last hope scenario I'll probably still be granted supervised visitation for quite a while until I'm deemed mentally well enough to be around them. So there is hope for me. Lots and lots of hope.
Turning my head slightly, I see the Kaylas a row behind Z and Mack and his lawyers and I wish so much we were still close. I miss them horribly, but I know right now isn't the time to- Oh! It's like she knew.
Staring at me, New York Kayla suddenly smiles and gives me a very subtle thumbs up. Wow, I didn't realize how much that would mean to me until I saw it. Choking up, I just hold in a cry as my eyes fill with tears before she shakes her head no quickly turning back to the front when Z, Mack and his lawyers walk inside the gate and the hearing suddenly begins.
Gasping a quick breath, I hold it in while I listen though I know what's coming, and I know what started this all for me. After a series of events lead to the questioning of Elizabeth, the current D.A. alongside Glenn Rose found out how and why this all started.
I know the original judge was a longtime acquaintance of my mother's from back in the day. I know my mother knew the judge because there was a photo found of the 2 of them together in my childhood home nearly 20 years before when I was only 12. And then another picture was discovered. The picture of Judge Davis with my mother and Surprise! Dr. fucking Simmons. And that’s when everything clicked for everyone. Whether my mother set it up between Simmons and Davis we don’t know, but we do know Simmons made the anonymous call from his own prison, and he was the ‘Physician’ whose authority forced the removal of my daughter.
Sadly, what I don't know is if Judge Davis ever touched me. We don't know for sure, and it really doesn't matter anymore I guess. He did or didn't touch me. He was either one of the bad men, or he only knew of them. Either way as Z pointed out doesn't matter though. Judge Davis is a pig who screwed me over because Simmons asked him to, either for just himself or for my mother as recorded on the prison telephone which the asshole didn't know. Ha!
Apparently, the older Judge was an idiot, totally unaware that their conversations were admissible if a prisoner is being investigated for a criminal offense which takes place in or from prison. And honestly, no one could believe the judge didn't know or think, or maybe care that he could get caught. Z thinks it was because he was an arrogant old bastard, but Mack seems to think the asshole Judge either wanted to get caught, or finally wanted to be caught for something he may have been involved with back then.
Anyway, the judge stepped down and he's facing conspiracy charges to commit fraud, Elizabeth is financially broke coincidentally, and Simmons is going to have more time added to his current sentence for the false accusations he made to CPS as a ‘practicing physician’ which he isn’t. Inevitably, it looks like my mother tried to ruin my life again but failed. Kind of.
Oh! What the hell? Z looks all stressed suddenly moving in his chair weirdly. What the FUCK did I miss?
"... I understand and accept the allegations of child abuse against Mrs. Zinfandel are untrue, unwarranted, and therefore they themselves will not be admissible in court. However, there is still the evidence supporting her mental incompetence and history of emotional disturbance which can't be overlooked when I decide what's best for the long term care of the child, Mackenzie Kayla Zinfandel. There is a precedent here which suggests placing the child in the home of a person with a history of documented mental instability causes if not an immediate, certainly the potential for harm to the child, therefore..."
"No! Wait!" Screaming, I feel the whole courtroom turn as I scream and stand. "Wait! Please." Oh fuck... this is bad. Z's already standing yelling my name to stop and Mack is leaving his seat to walk toward me. I'm a total freak show with all eyes on me, but I don't care. "Your honor, may I approach the bench?" I think they say that on tv.
"Mrs. Zinfandel?" The judge asks actually leaning over his huge desk to hear me I think.
"Yes. Um, may I just say a few things before you decide? Please?" Watching a bailiff walk toward me I'm scared shitless but desperate. "I won't fight if you say no but I really need to say something. Please?" I beg again as my eyes fill but my tears stay put. "Please your honor?"
I swear to god my breath is the only sound in the entire courtroom. There is just nothing around me or in front of me but him. Begging with my eyes, I watch for a tiny little glimmer of hope before he decides if I can speak. Please, please, please... I want to beg but stay silently standing until after forever he finally nods his head.
"You may stand within the floor, Mrs. Zinfandel," he says stretching his hand out before him. What the hell is the floor?
Stumbling over the side of my bench, dropping and leaving my purse on the floor, I walk as calmly as I can toward the front ignoring everyone including Z, as I approach the little wooden gate. When the Bailiff actually opens it, I walk through and stop when his hand moves forward to stop me. I'm on the floor I guess, only 10 feet from Judge Mandle with everyone else behind me waiting in a deathlike silence.
"Mrs. Zinfandel?" He asks almost kindly for a change, and I nearly cry.
"Please give Z Mackenzie. If you think I'm unfit I understand, but he isn't. He's amazing and he'll care for her always. He’s a really good man, and such a special person, Mackenzie deserves to have him in her life. Please don't punish him because of me."
"I'm not punishing anyone, Mrs. Zinfandel," he says in a kind tone like he's being honest with me.
"But you kind of are. I get the whole I have a crazy past thing, but Z doesn't at all. So please let him have and keep our daughter. Neither of them have ever done anything wrong and I'm begging you not to punish them because of me. Please, your honor?" I beg again as one tear slides down my face before I can blink it back.
"Mrs. Zinfandel I have a question I would like you to answer."
"Anything," I moan rocking on my heels.
"Do you think you would make a good parent to Mackenzie?"
"Yes." Period. Without thinking or wondering what I should say I just answer. "Yes. I think I would be a good mom."
"Why?" He asks softly and that does me in. Opening crying, I can't hold back my sadness, or misery, or my fear anymore.
"Because I love her. Um, I had a baby once who died, and now I have one who is alive, and I love her."
"I understand, and I'm very sorry for your loss. But just because you love her doesn't guarantee you won't have any other mental health issues with this child."
"I know it doesn't guarantee that, but I do. Um, I'm not messed up about Mackenzie, sir. She's my daughter and I love her. And she is not a reason for me to freak out. Ah, do you know about my past?"
Nodding, he says a very quiet 'yes' which though humiliating is where I needed him to be. "Well then you know I was raped repeatedly and tortured as a child," I gag out that disgusting sentence as he nods. "I was hurt badly by my parents, so I'm messed up for sure. But it's about bad men, and my past, and my mother who by the way is a total cun- uh, horrible person." Ugh. "Anyway, I'm not messed up about my daughter or my husband or about my present life."
"But you could become unstable again."
"I could," I agree. "But it wouldn't be about them. And I'm tired of still being hurt all the time by my past. It's really not fair, your honor. My parents and their sick friends did unspeakable things to me and even now I'm still being punished for it like I did something wrong when I was little."
"Again, no one is trying to punish you."
"I know," I nod. "But it still is a punishment. I don't handle stress well, like stress about men and perverts and stuff like that. But I handle all the day to day things well. I try every day to move past all those childhood nightmares, and I did do it with Z for the most part. Yes, I may have 'episodes' and I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't ever again. But it's just not the same thing as being with Mackenzie and Z. They are good for me. They are light and happiness and finally some peace that I never had when I was young. Z loves me your honor, and I want to be better now because I didn't choose what happened to me when I was a little girl but I can choose this life now. Bad people hurt me badly and sometimes I don't handle the memories or the feelings of that time well. But they are so separate from Z and Mackenzie that I honestly think I'll be okay with them. But if I start to feel not okay again, I promise I'll get help."
"Who will you promise?" He asks quietly.
"You. Um, I promise you I'll get help if the bad stuff ever gets to me again, even though I don't really feel like it will. I don't feel crazy anymore, sir. I just feel sad without my husband and daughter. Um, I'm very tired of still being hurt all the time, especially when there's something finally here for me to love that actually loves me back."
"I under-"
"But I absolutely will walk away from Z and Mackenzie so they can be together if that's what you decide. Their happiness is still more important than my own now because I'm kind of used to being unhappy in this life against my will..."
Gasping a quick sob, I manage to stand still even though the silence is killing me and the sadness is threatening to break me apart after the last 2 weeks of hope.
"Thank you, Mrs. Zinfandel. I appreciate everything you said and I'll take it under advisement," he says suddenly sounding like a judge again. Waiting, I don't know what to do until he smiles and says, "You may take your seat now."
"Oh, sorry," I laugh turning to every single person staring at me. Almost gasping again, I feel like such an idiot staring at everyone staring at me until I see Z's sad eyes. Mouthing 'thank you' Z actually smiles at me beautifully until he nods his head to the Bailiff still holding the little wooden gate open for me to finally leave by.
And then it's done.
Walking back quickly to my seat, my purse has been lifted by someone on my seat, and my hair is covering the side of my face they can see. Sitting down I keep my hands in my lap and my face lowered.
"I'd like to speak with Mr. Zinfandel's counsellor's and the CPS representatives at the bench," I hear Judge Mandle say but I can't look up. I'm scared shitless and I'm hoping with everything in me that he’ll make the decision I want. I hope I convinced him and he'll give me Z and Mackenzie back. God, I hope I proved I wasn't crazy by standing up, screaming in court, begging the judge to hear me out while crying my eyes out in front of everyone. Yup. That'll do it for sure. Shit.
"Suzanne?" Jumping, one of Z's lawyers I don't know squats beside my bench seat. "Judge Mandel requests that you sit with Z for this," he asks solemnly. "Would you join us, please?"
Standing, I grab my purse this time and walk up front to Z and the others without looking away from the Judge. I'm keeping the shakes in check and my crazy from surfacing.
Sitting, Judge Mandel actually smiles at me briefly and I stop breathing entirely. I'm almost bouncing in my chair beside Z until I feel his hand squeeze my knee to calm me like he always does.
"Regarding parental custody of Mackenzie Zinfandel, I've decided the best interest of the child lies with her father Mr. Zinfandel. In his home, permanently and unsupervised Mr. Zinfandel may gain full custody of his daughter."
Oh. My. God. This is it.
Leaning over the table Z keeps squeezing my leg but I don't care. I need to hear this.
"Regarding Mrs. Zinfandel and custody of her daughter Mackenzie Kayla Zinfandel I'm not ready to make my final ruling-" Gasping out loud I cover my mouth as he quickly continues. "But in 4 week’s time I will make my final decision. I have agreed to the terms set up by the New York Child Protective Services of 3 supervised visits per week between Mrs. Zinfandel and her child in the home of Mr. Zinfandel, and after that time I will give my final ruling on February 2nd. I also request Mrs. Zinfandel see a court appointed Psychiatrist once a week for a minimum of a year-"
"Done! I always see Psychiatrists anyway," I yell before stopping myself. Oh SHIT!
Smiling briefly thank god, Judge Mandel continues. "Therefore my ruling is this; Mr. Zinfandel is to retain full, permanent custody of Mackenzie Zinfandel, and after a month of supervised visits, should no events occur questioning Mrs. Zinfandel’s mental health regarding her daughter or herself," he says with clear inflection, "I will most likely award custody to Mrs. Zinfandel as well. Do you have somewhere you can stay in the meantime?" He looks at me with sympathy clearly on his face.
"Yes, your honor."
"Okay. Then my ruling is final." I can't believe it! I just can't believe- "As a side note, I would like to extend the sympathy of this court for what you went through as a child, and continue to go through as an adult for the atrocities you had to face Mrs. Zinfandel." Oh. Bursting into tears, Z takes my hand under the table as I stare at Mandel. "I would also like you to know I have made sure I was personally involved in the investigation and prosecution of those that have recently conspired against you."
"Thank you..." I cry as he nods once before rising from his bench. Feeling everything change around us, I know everyone else stood but me and Z and I wish I could, but I just can't. I'm exhausted and sad from the memories, but just so relieved I feel light-headed and nauseous actually.
"Suzanne?" Z whispers leaning into my side. "Baby, are you okay?"
Nodding, I still have no words. My heart is pounding and my whole body is shaking with the need to either throw up or scream-cry. I don't know what to do or say or how I even leave.
"Let me take you back to the hotel, okay?" Z asks quietly. "Just one month, Suzanne. You've already lasted a month, and you only have one more to go until you can come home with me. But you'll see both of us 3 times a week while you wait. Can you do that? Can you wait just a little longer?" Almost begging me, Z looks so exhausted I finally just hug him.
Squeezing him to death, he hugs me just as tightly until we both cry. Like a total psycho and a pansy, Z and I cry our relief and hope.
"I can wait another month. A month is nothing to get everything I've ever wanted with you. A month is nothing, Z."
Standing, Z takes my hand and covers me a little from whoever is left around us. "Your makeup isn't covering your face, love," Z whispers.
"I don't care anymore. This is me, Z. Good, bad, ugly and beautiful."
"Beautiful," he kisses my lips softly.
The End
Epilogue
Walking into Dr. Belanger's office, I smile and sit. Before she even has to ask though, I spill. "I'm still doing very well. I haven't had any nightmares or freak outs, and I'm still happy."
Grinning, she says what she always does. "That's very good, Suzanne."
Nodding, we each wait for the other until we smirk a little stupidly at each other as usual.
"How's that beautiful baby of yours?"
"Beautiful," I smile again.
"And Z?"
"Beautiful," I blush.
"So we have nothing to talk about today? Nothing at all?"
Leaning forward, I make sure to keep eye contact while I tell her the truth. "Absolutely nothing at all. Mackenzie is healthy and happy, Z is Z, I'm happy, and for right now everything seems to be in a very good place for me. My friends are great, Mack is amazing, and I feel good. I feel next to no panic, and even when those quick little panics come they're usually over something stupid which I just as quickly recognize. And before you ask, the newest example was when Marty walked into Mackenzie's nursery with Z while I was changing her 2 days ago. Marty walked up to kiss her hello and I panicked for a split second, grabbing her in my arms to cover her little naked body but as soon as
I made eye contact with Marty's surprise I quickly realized he is a safe person, I was overreacting, and Marty would never touch her inappropriately or in a bad way. I did understand quickly and I placed Mackenzie back on her change table without losing my shit."
"What did Marty do?"
Exhaling, I shake my head. "Nothing. He acted like I wasn't mental then leaned forward and kissed her forehead anyway."
"And Z?"
"He squeezed my shoulder I think both for support and maybe because I recovered so well."
"And what did you do?"
Remembering the intense moment in Mackenzie's room I admit, "I continued changing her and tried to breathe normally."
"And how did you feel?"
"Like an asshole," I grin as she laughs. "Ah, but then I was proud of myself for stopping the fear from getting me too intensely or in a way I couldn't rationalize."
"And did you stop the fear?"
"Not entirely, but I think I never really will though."
"How so?"
"Um, I'm very protective of Mackenzie," I say all duh until she nods. "Um, I love her. So I don't think I'll ever be completely normal or relaxed where her security is concerned, but I also don't really feel bad about that."
"No?"
"No, I don't. And I never will. I didn't have parents who protected me. Actually, I had evil anti-parents. So if Mackenzie's only complaint when she's older is her mother was too cautious with her I'm okay with that. Plus, Z balances it out a little. He's very careful with her don't get me wrong, but I think he'll always be able to talk me into realizing the difference between the good, like natural fear a parent has for their child, and the crazyass, irrational Suzanne fear I'll probably always have inside me. And again, I'm okay with that. I'd rather love her and protect her too much than ever allow her to be hurt."
"Will you let Mackenzie go to the Prom?" Dr. Belanger asks suddenly and though I'm confused by the change in topic I smile anyway.
We are US... (I am HER... Book 3) Page 48
