by H. M. Ward
“Come up here. I know you’re tired, and the floor blows. Stop being a prude.” She pats her hand firmly on the bed again, then hangs her face over the edge. “Don’t make me come down there,” Cassie says, yawning and blinking at me.
“I better not.”
“We’re both adults, Jon. I won't dry-hump your leg in the middle of the night.”
“It is the middle of the night.”
“Is that a request?”
I laugh lightly, considering it. Can I keep my dick to myself? Her scent is going to fill my head which will make it insanely hard in every aspect of the word. Before I have time to refuse, she grabs my wrist and pulls.
“Jonathan Ferro, come here.” There’s something about the way she says it that makes me move. I’m on my knees looking into her sleepy face and the tangle of dark hair around her cheeks. She sighs contently. “I know you need a friend. So do I. I promise I won’t mess it up and neither will you.”
“Tell me one friend you’ve slept with and I’ll climb in next to you right now.” She watches me and rests her hand on my face, her fingertips lightly touching my cheek.
“Trust yourself.” She blinks slowly, sleepily.
“Do you trust me? I mean really trust that I won’t do anything?”
“I trust you with my life, my heart, and my soul.” She pats the bed again. “I don’t want to sleep alone, and I’m betting you don’t either.”
I rise to slip into bed next to her, my heart thumping rapidly as all my blood heads to my boxers. I can’t do this without wanting to nail her. No, it’s more than that. I want to press my lips to her body, all of it. I want to learn every curve, taste every inch of her pale flesh. How am I supposed to hold her and not feel anything? She’s going to notice. There’s no way not to—the bed is too small.
“Cass, this isn’t a good idea.”
I don’t notice until then, but there’s a light sheen on her face, and it’s not from sweat—it’s from tears. She’s been crying, lying up here alone. At that moment, the world shifts, and I don’t care about me anymore. I pull her to me, pressing her face against my chest and holding her close.
With Cassie clinging to my chest and me squeezing her tight, time stops. I keep one arm wrapped tightly around her waist, firm and strong, while the other strokes her hair. I kiss her forehead a few times as I say things that are more sounds than real words. I don’t ask her why she’s weeping. I don’t tell her not to cry. The truth is there’s always something to mourn, but most of us don’t take the time to do it. This will help her in the long run, so I let her sob softly on my chest until she falls asleep in my arms.
At one point she would have said this kind of intimacy was forbidden, reserved only for soulmates joined in marriage, and now that I’m here with her like this, I finally understand. Her slight form, breasts pressed against my stomach, her thigh draped over my leg, and the rhythmic sound of her breathing is a kind of physical closeness I’ve known before—it’s the rest that’s foreign. It’s the way she doesn’t care about the holes in her t-shirt, or that I can see the curve of her ass peeking out from beneath the hem. It’s the way her hair is a mess, and she doesn’t fuss with it or worry about the lack of makeup on her face. It’s the way she doesn't hide her tears or her sorrow. It’s the way she doesn't invent some story about being cold when I feel her nipples tighten against my chest. She doesn’t hide anything from me. Cass is just there, being Cass, exposed. I see all of her because she lets me, because she invited me up here.
I close my eyes and breathe her in, committing every second of it to memory, knowing it’ll never happen again. Tonight is a one-time thing. Cassie doesn’t drop her guard even with friends, so this is rare. Even I know that. Tonight she came to me in the pink room ready to do anything I wanted. I can’t reconcile the two women living inside of her. One is strong and daring, while the other is sweet and tender.
I kiss the top of her head and whisper, “I love you, Cass.”
CHAPTER 7
CASSIE
I’ve been lying against Jon’s chest with my eyes closed, trying to shut out everything else when I hear his voice. His faint whisper is raw, exposed, revealing something I’m not meant to hear.
“I love you, Cass.”
It’s hard not to react, to remain perfectly still in his arms. I manage, though, and after a while, I drift off. My usual nightmares give me a wide berth tonight. When I wake, he’s still there, still holding me.
Something that feels too much like shame drips over me, coating me from head to toe. I look away and try to get up, but Jon takes hold of both my arms just below the shoulders, holding me in place and pulling me back down. I flop onto the pillow, looking straight into his eyes.
“I’m sorry.” I say without giving it much thought, still trying to get away.
“If you get up again, I’m just going to pull you back down. Hey, look at me.” Jon cups my cheeks in his hands, holding me so we’re nose to nose. “What’s wrong?”
I avoid his eyes. “Nothing. I just feel stupid. I shouldn’t have asked you to do this.”
“I’m glad you did.”
There’s too much silence. I glance up at him and instantly regret it. Dark lashes frame bright blue eyes on the most beautiful face I’ve ever seen. Jon has always been stunning, but this morning he’s radiant. I try to tear my gaze away, but the pull is too strong. He pins me in place, holding me in his gaze, saying so much without speaking a word.
Jon rubs his thumbs against my cheeks and my stomach swirls. Lust shoots through me, lighting every inch of me on fire. I want his hands on my bare skin, soothing this need, this ache to feel flesh on flesh.
Stop it, Cassie. Being with him will ruin everything. He said so himself. He doesn't want a married woman. I shouldn’t want him either, but my body responds to his proximity without my permission.
My gaze drifts to his lips and the dark stubble surrounding his perfect mouth. I can imagine the scratch of him on my skin, the way that hot kiss would feel combined with the light scrape of his cheek. I’m lost in the past for a moment, remembered sensations overwhelming me—his lips on my wrist, his hand against my belly and then lower. I gasp and jerk away, nearly falling on the floor.
Jon laughs and grabs me before I roll backward off the mattress and hit the floor. “You’re insane! One moment you let me in and the next you’re trying to act like I don’t bother you.”
“You don’t bother me.”
The corner of his mouth pulls up on the right side, revealing a dimple that rarely shows. “I make you hot and bothered. You don’t have to admit it, I know. I always have.” He grins seductively, and I can see how much he wants me. At the same time, there’s kindness in his eyes, compassion for something he doesn’t understand, something I’m not ready to explain to him. “Talk to me, Cass.”
I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to tell him. I hedge, avoiding the question by leaning in and closing the distance between us. My heart beats faster as my lips start to tingle. I brush my mouth to his lightly, gently and close my eyes. The excited rush of pleasure hasn’t been there for a long time, but it’s there with him. Still, fear pulses through me mingling with desire. I want more. With Jon, I always want more. Breathless I pull away, gasping. I sit up quickly and cover my mouth like I did something deplorable.
His hand is on my shoulder, but I shake it off.
“I can’t.” I can’t kiss him. I can’t be with him. There’s no way to do it and not have him notice how fucked up I’ve become. The Cassie Hale he knew is gone, replaced by this woman whose veins run with fear instead of blood. Once in a while, I feel like I can break free and try, but to what end? I can’t follow through, so why does it matter? It doesn’t matter how I feel, at the end of the day the reality is always the same.
“You don’t have to do anything. Cassie, please don’t shut me out. Tell me what’s going through your mind. I want to know. I want to be here for you. Please.” It’s the last word, the plea that undo
es me.
My reaction is primal—a defensive mechanism too practiced to stop. My walls shoot up, and before he can blink, I’m cold again.
“Cassie?”
Emotionally disconnect from that kiss, I tell myself, disconnect from him. My heart slows and the heat flushing my body fades. I stand and head to the small dresser for a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.
I’m on autopilot.
I can’t stop it now.
I wish I could.
CHAPTER 8
JON
I don’t press her for details. I act like nothing happened, like she’s fine even though I know she isn’t. Something spooked her. I want to fix it. The need to take her in my arms and hold her tight is overwhelming, but right now she’d fight me on it. She won’t need me again until she falls apart. I have no idea how long that could take, and on some level I detest it.
There are too many parallels to the way things were before Cassie, commonalities with the way the bitch treated me. I never knew when that woman was coming or what she wanted. She just showed up and took it. Fuck. I rub my hands over my face and stop thinking about it.
I shower and wish I had time to jerk off. I’m so fucking tense it would help—but I don’t. The water turns cold, and I’m out before I get anywhere.
The apartment is a deathtrap in the middle of one of the worst neighborhoods on Long Island. I wonder if I could get her out of here. I don’t like this for her. It’s not safe, but I doubt she’ll let me help her.
I step out of the tiny bathroom with a towel wrapped around my waist. My hair is dripping a little, so I press my hands to my head and feel the water roll off my head and down my back.
“Wow.”
I turn to see a woman, not more than twenty-five, sitting with her mouth hanging open. There’s a piece of bread stuck to her lip and half an English muffin in her frozen hand. She's staring, her eyes glued to my chest.
I smirk and point between us with two fingers, gesturing between my chest and her eyes. “My face is up here, babe.”
She gawks and finally remembers to blink. “Holy shit, you're fucking hot!”
“Yeah, I get that a lot.”
“So do I, but damn.” She ogles me, staring, and talking to my abs. “I could take that six pack out, drink it up, and marry it.”
“Beth, cut it out. You can’t stand it when guys do that to you.” Cassie pads into the room wearing jeans, a tight white t-shirt and a pair of mismatched socks on her feet. Her hair is still damp from the shower.
“I wouldn't mind it from him. Damn!” She doesn’t look away. Her tongue is hanging out of her mouth, and I’m starting to think she might try and lick me.
“Jon! Put some clothes on before there’s an accident.” Cassie grabs a cup and pours something dark from the coffee pot on the stove. She smirks at me from behind her cup. “You’re going to kill Beth with sexiness.”
“It’s the best way to go,” Beth mutters, swatting a hand at me. “Let him stay like this. No, wait! Tell him to drop the towel.” She grins and slowly turns her head in my direction.
“Dork. Stop drooling over my friend.” Cassie laughs and shoves Beth a little.
“I need a friend like him. Hey, Ferro, you can be my friend whenever you want.” Beth winks at me.
I duck my head and rub my hand over the back of my neck while they talk about me. When I can get a word in, I point at Cass. “I’m going to get dressed, and then I’m taking you to breakfast, Miss Hale. Don’t you dare eat a thing!”
As I shut the door to the closet-sized bedroom, I hear Beth whisper, “You should eat him.”
CHAPTER 9
CASSIE
As I emerge from the basement apartment, I blink at the bright sun and sneeze.
“Bless you, Cassie.” Kam stands there, hand up, ready to thump on my head. He looks sheepish, lowers his floating fist, and pockets it. “Sorry, I wasn’t going to knock on your face.”
“No, of course not.” I try not to laugh. For such a big guy, he’s acting adorably bashful.
Kam's wearing dark cargo pants with a tight-fitting light gray t-shirt. It hugs his chest revealing every muscle the man has—and he’s got a few. Okay, he has a lot. My first impression wasn't overly observant. I wasn’t breathing right and didn’t notice the way his oblique muscles tighten around his ribs when he moves. I can practically see muscle definition through his shirt.
Kam turns and walks up the steps, talking over his shoulder as he goes. “Yours is a pretty face, by the way.”
I don’t know what to say. Guys have said this kind of thing to me before, and it usually means they need something. “What do you want, Kam? I’m headed out.”
He feigns hurt, pressing his hands to his chest and staggering back a few feet. Beaming that bright smile at me, he says, “Nothing at all. I thought you might want—” His words die in his mouth when a head of dark brown hair appears in the bottom of the stairwell.
Jon bounds up the steps, talking without realizing Kam is standing there. “We need to find you a better apartment, Cass. You picked the worst possible street in the worst possible neighborhood.” He blinks rapidly, focusing on the other man.
“Jon, this is my neighbor, Kam—” I step back to introduce them but am frosted over.
“I know. Kam O’Brian, Irish mob.”
I glance at his dark skin and blurt out, “Irish?”
“I could be Irish,” Kam says. “It’s not an island of only white people with red hair, you know.”
Jon laughs.
Kam shrugs. “Fine, I was adopted by a loving family.”
“Yeah, don’t let that fool you. This guy is just as Irish as the rest of them, adopted or not.” Jon stares at Kam like he might kill the man. “So, why do you have a house in the 'hood, Kam? Need a place to torture victims where screaming is part of the background noise? Can’t rip off fingernails in Dix Hills? The neighbors might talk, and then what would we do?” Jon’s arms fold over his chest while he’s talking. His shoulders square and his feet spread a shoulder's width apart, his whole body preparing to fight.
Kam remains calm, maintaining his less guarded stance. He strokes the hair on his chin, pinching the short chin rug between his pointer and thumb. “Exactly, Ferro. What would WE do? You’ve got just as much blood on your hands as us. No need to play dumb with me. I know that shit in the papers is a smoke screen.”
“You think they pegged me wrong?” Jon sounds amused.
Kam nods, tucks his hands in his pockets, and swaggers toward Jon. “I do, and it gives you an unfair advantage. People think you're soft, stupid. They don’t see the wolf hiding beneath the surface, ready to rip them a new one. Underestimating the enemy kills people, and I’m not losing none of my guys to a pasty freak like you.”
Jon's lips slowly pull into a smile that covers his entire face. Chin tucked, he glances up at the guy. “Thanks for the compliment. I’m not here for you or your men.”
Kam looks at me, then back at Jon, his eyes widening. “Is she your bitch?”
“Hey!” I snap and lightly kick Kam in the shin, still acting like he’s my neighbor and not some nut job mobster.
Jon’s eyebrows bunch together like I shouldn’t have done that, but Kam hops back, a smile pulling at his mouth.
“Sorry, Cassie. I thought you’d own the fierce bitch persona. My apologies.” Kam bows to me, then turns back toward Jon. "Is she your girl?"
“Cut it out, jackass," I say, commanding his attention. "Only call me a bitch when I’m acting like one. If you two are finished peeing all over the place, I’d like to eat breakfast.”
Kam slips his hands behind his back and suppresses a smile. “Awh-righ',” his accent thickens, and he kicks the grass beneath his boot before looking up at me. “No need to tell me twice.” His tone drops an octave and the smile fades. He walks straight up to Jon and speaks in a lethal voice. It’s so quiet I can’t make anything out, except that he’s clearly threatening.
By the end, Kam is nose
to nose with Jon, grinning. “Don’t test me, Ferro.”
“Never give me a reason to, Kam.”
“Then we have an accord?”
Jon makes a face. “Who the fuck talks like that? Yes, we have an agreement. You stay on your side of the street, and I’ll stay on mine.”
* * *
Jon drives down the parkway at twice the legal speed limit. The engine purrs as he slams the gearshift up and down, bobbing and weaving between cars. I’ve nearly peed myself twice. I keep reaching for the oh-shit-strap, but there isn’t one. Maybe rich passengers don’t scream and cling to a leather strap when the driver accelerates too fast.
I’m trying not to shriek. Or curl into a ball on the seat. “Can we slow down?”
He looks over at me and wrinkles his forehead like it's a ludicrous suggestion. “Why?” He revs the engine as we duck between two cars with only a hair of clearance on my side.
“I’m going to puke. That’s the main reason. The second reason is I don't want to die today. Why are you going all Speed Racer on me?” Jon’s always been an aggressive driver, but I’ve never seen him like this. He seems to be sinking into his thoughts and merging mentalities with the car.
“Sorry,” he slows a little and stays in a straight line for longer stretches of road than before. His lane changes are less abrupt now. “I don’t like Kam being that close to you.”
“How do you know him?”
He shrugs. “How do I know anyone? Alliances, family, connections, and money. Kam handles the dealers from here to D.C. He’s the one who makes them fall in line or deal with the consequences. He doesn’t live in that house, and you should never go in there. If you'd wandered in looking for him, his men would have killed you.”
