“Close the ramp. Secure all passengers. It’s going to be a bumpy ride!” said Quitegone as he buckled himself in. Queen Alldolla buckled the unconscious general into a seat, and then did the same for herself. As the ramp was lifting, a small stowaway leapt through the opening.
The Jetti ship roared into life and lifted off from the parking lot of the Keepler Elf Tree.
“I hope the Trade Federation hasn’t spotted our ship,” said Quitegone.
A blast exploded off the port side.
“They’ve spotted us,” groaned Obegone.
“Engaging in evasive maneuvers,” said Quitegone banking the ship sharply. “If we can hold them off long enough, we can engage the hyperdrive and jump into safe space.”
Another blast exploded near them.
“We’re losing power, another hit like that and we’re finished,” said Obegone looking at the sensors. “Oh no, another ship is coming. We’ll have two ships blasting us.”
The Trade Federation ship closed in for the kill.
“Fire when we’re close,” said the Trade Federation Commander with an evil smile. “Wait until you see the whites of their eyes.”
“Yes, commander, with pleasure,” said the gunner. “What the…!” A torpedo blast slammed into the Trade Federation ship.
Edward had piloted his ship into the fray.
“A ship that size doesn’t have plasma torpedoes,” said the Commander grabbing onto the bridge railing as his ship listed off its gravity balance.
“Not usually, sir.”
A second torpedo hit the engines, and the Trade Federation ship was crippled. Another Trade Federation ship moved to join the battle.
Edward’s face appeared on the view screen of the Jetti ship.
“Him again,” said Obegone.
“Warp into hyperdrive, while I hold off the Trade Federation ships,” said Edward.
“He’s distracting the attacking ship,” said Queen Alldolla. “What a brave,” and good looking, thought Alldolla, “man.”
“Engaging the hyperdrive, jumping to warp space,” said Quitegone. Edward’s face blurred and disappeared from the view screen, to Queen Alldolla’s disappointment.
Chapter 3 Singles Roulette
The Jetti ship warped into unoccupied space.
“No Trade Federation battleships in sight,” said Obegone with a relaxed breath.
“Check the ship’s status,” said Quitegone.
“We’re leaking from the energy cells,” said Obegone grimacing as he viewed the computer screen. “We can’t go very far without replacement parts.”
“Let’s see what planets are near.”
From the seat nearby, the semi-conscious Nabiscko general groaned. Queen Alldolla popped open the medical kit, and shot him with stimulants.
“This will counteract the effect of the stun blast that hit him. General Panache should wake up now,” said Queen Alldolla. “I want to thank you, Jetti Knights, for saving me and the General.”
“It was a pleasure your majesty,” said Quitegone, inclining his head.
“Please call me by my first name, Paddy,” said Queen Paddymay Alldolla.
“Paddy, would you like a cookie?” A small hand held out a mint Milano cookie.
Obegone jumped. Jaja, the Elf stood before them. “How did you get on board?”
“I walked.”
Paddy smiled widely. “I would love a cookie. I’ll need my strength to get to the Republican Senate and argue our case.”
“I’ll bake cookies to give the senators. There’s a kitchen on board,” said Jaja. “I’ll bake some of my magic cookies.”
“Welcome aboard, little elf,” said Quitegone nodding to Jaja.
Obegone sighed. Quitegone had welcomed another lost soul. They were always being sidetracked by Quitegone’s pet projects, to the irritation of Obegone and the Jetti council. Obegone wished they could land back on Nabiscko and dump the Elf stowaway and her cookies into the woods. Well, maybe keep the cookies.
“I checked the computer’s memory banks,” continued Quitegone. “Planet Tattooing is nearby. There, we’ll be safe from the Trade Federation. It has no presence on the planet--it’s run by the Hots.”
“The Hots?” said Paddy.
“The Hots are an extended family of serpent like creatures. They run many businesses on the planet and form a loose governing body. They love gambling.”
“Some call them thugs,” said General Panache. “The Queen should not go there.”
“With how low we are on energy for the ship, we have no choice,” said Quitegone programming a flight plan into the computer.
The orange planet of Tattooing came into view. Quitegone landed the ship a desert area, sending clouds of dust flying high into the air.
“There is a town nearby. Obegone and I will scout ahead,” said Quitegone. “The rest of you stay here.”
“I could be of use, with my diplomatic skills,” said Paddy.
“Stay here for now, and make sure the general is fully recovered. I want to see what we’re getting into before you and Jaja are exposed to this territory.”
“All right, I’ll stay, for now, Captain Quitegone,” said Paddy. “But if you don’t come back by dawn, I’m coming after you.”
“Fair enough,” said Quitegone. “Come along, Obegone. We’re hunting for ship parts.”
After they left the ship, Obegone turned to Quitegone.
“What will we use for money? The Jetti council pays us squat. We don’t have the kind of cash to buy engine parts.”
“It’s a Jetti ship. The Jetti council will fund the repairs,” said Quitegone.
“Last time I dented a space ship, the council made me pay expenses up front and fill out forms in triplicate for reimbursement. It took three months.”
“Trust in the farce. It will provide.”
“At least it provided Elf cookies.” Obegone pulled out a bag of Keepler cookies and began munching them. Quitegone shoved his hand in the bag and grabbed two cookies.
After a long walk down a dusty road, and many cookies later, they arrived in the town of Mosteffa. A neon sign advertised drinks at the local bar.
“I’m thirsty,” said Obegone.
“Let’s look inside,” said Quitegone.
A sign on the bar wall read “Singles Roulette night.”
“I’m single, and I like to play roulette,” said Quitegone.
“Master Quitegone, I think we should get the parts to fix the ship,” said Obegone. “Not gamble.”
“Be still, my young apprentice. We shall get the money for the parts by playing roulette.”
“But master, what if we lose?”
“What do you think the power of the farce is for? We can move objects with the wave of a hand.” Quitegone smiled. “A roulette ball is an object.”
“I see master! I should pay closer attention to my lessons.”
“You would be enriched by the experience.”
They entered the bar. A large circle of tables was in the center.
“Welcome to singles roulette night. I’m Iris. I’ll be your hostess tonight,” said a Denobian alien woman at the entrance. She was extremely slender and six feet tall with blue skin. She wore a shimmering white gown. “How many people do you want entry tickets for?”
“Two tickets,” said Quitegone, admiring the grace in her movements as she charged Quitegone’s wealth card.
“The men sit on the inside of the ring of tables,” said Iris. “Please enjoy a complimentary drink. Good luck finding the love of your life.”
Quitegone smiled at Iris. “I hope we can talk more later.”
Iris giggled, and turned to help another customer coming in the door.
“Where’s the roulette wheel?” said Obegone peering around the room. Quitegone grabbed two complimentary drinks--coconuts filled with a mysterious purple fluid, topped off with a paper umbrella. He handed one to Obegone.
“There must be gambling here. See Jabya the Hot?” Quitegone
gestured with his coconut towards a sensuously slithering alien woman with big eyes and a long, curvy, snake-like body. “She’s one of the Hot family. They’re never far from a casino. Gambling is like mother’s milk to them.” Quitegone took a long drag on the straw in the coconut. He looked at the coconut. “Unlike this fluid.”
“She’s like a caterpillar ready to turn into a butterfly,” said Obegone transfixed by the sight of Jabya. Jabya found a table, and sat on the outer ring side, like the other females present. The waiter brought a bowl of frogs for her to eat.
“Come, gentleman, please find your seats. We are about to start,” said Iris gesturing with long fingers towards the inner ring of chairs. Quitegone and Obegone sat down between a camel shaped man and a man who looked like a farmer in overalls with a carnation on his suspender.
“Master, why are we sitting down?” whispered Obegone. “Aren’t we here to gamble? Where are the roulette wheels?”
“Patience. All will be revealed,” said Quitegone. He was eyeing the woman across the table from him. She had four eyes and winked with two of them at him.
“Ready,” said Iris standing next to a big red button. “Gentlemen, hold on!” Iris hit the button and the room began to spin.
“What?” said Obegone grabbing his chair. Was this an evil Empire trick to disorient them before attacking? He felt for his light sword. The platform slowed down, and he faced a new woman. “Master Quitegone, the inner floor, that the men are sitting on, is a moving circular platform.”
“Like a roulette wheel,” said Quitegone.
“Now, five minutes for a mini-date,” said Iris looking at her watch. “Start now!”
Obegone looked into the eyes of a brunette woman and searched his mind for conversation. He stammered through some awkward conversation about the weather for several minutes, and felt relieved when Iris called out a warning and hit the button again. The men spun until their chairs stopped randomly in front of a new woman.
“Using fate to find our woman of destiny,” mused Quitegone. “A unique dating technique, appropriate for a gambling obsessed planet.”
By the third round of spinning, Obegone was getting dizzy. “What do they put in these drinks?” he said looking at the purple fluid inside the coconut, as if it was to blame.
Iris looked at him, overhearing his question. “It’s a special brew, a mixture of an aphrodisiac and love potion. We at the Denobian dating service find it helps smooth along the process of finding that special someone. The effects should be kicking in around now.” Before Obegone could reply, Iris hit the button again, and the men spun around.
Obegone blinked and looked at the new female in front of him. It was Jabya the Hot. Warmth from the drink spread from his tummy up to his scalp. He blushed. Jabya laughed and popped a frog into her mouth.
“What’s a good looking man like you doing in a place like this?” asked Jabya.
“What’s a good looking woman…or, um,” said Obegone.
“Hot, I’m a Hot. That is our species. We run many businesses on this planet,” said Jabya. She pulled out a large lipstick container and began applying deep red to her lips.
“You sure look hot to me,” said Obegone, wondering if it was the love potion talking.
“We should go someplace private,” Jabya said placing her hand on his arm. “There’s a garden out back.” Obegone nodded shyly and extended his arm. Jabya put her scaly arm through his. He noticed how her scales shined like rainbows.
“It’s pretty!” He said drunkenly. They left the giant roulette wheel for the backyard patio.
Meanwhile, Quitegone found himself facing a striking woman with piercing brown eyes, while he was facing the effects of the love potion.
“What’s your name, beautiful,” said Quitegone. Did he say that? He never talked that way before.
“I’m Shammey, Shammey Stywalker.” She held out her hand to shake hands. Quitegone took her hand and kissed it. She smiled.
“I’m Quitegone Jinn. I say that because I’m quite gone on you!”
“Oh, you’re adorable.” Shammey batted her eyelashes.
“Fate has brought us together!”
“Let’s drink to fate,” said Shammey, raising her coconut.
“To fate,” said Quitegone and he took a long sip of the purple fluid.
“What do you do for a living?” Shammey looked at his Jetti robes.
“I fight evil everywhere. I’m a Jetti.”
“Oooo, a Jetti. They’re so big and strong.”
Quitegone pulled back his sleeve and bent his arm to show off his muscles.
“You are so muscular and manly. You’d make a good father. Do you have children?” said Shammey.
“No, I’m free as a bird.”
“I have a son. He’s at home,” said Shammey.
“So, he’s like 10 years old?” said Quitegone.
“More like 27 years old.”
“In school?”
“No, but he would be good as an apprentice. You know, learning a trade.” Shammey’s eyes narrowed thoughtfully. “Do you take on apprentices?”
“Sure,” said Quitegone. “I’ve got one now.” He looked around and couldn’t find Obegone in sight. “Where’d he go?”
“You should meet my son.”
“Where’s the father?” said Quitegone with one brain cell firing.
Shammey leaned back. “Where’s the father? Does a father in the way bother you? Um, there is no father. I went alone into the desert and had an immaculate conception. Yeah, that’s it.”
Quitegone’s eyes widened. “Immaculate conception? You are a virgin and conceived a child?”
“Wellllll, you could put it that way,” said Shammey.
“The prophecy, can this be it being fulfilled? Yes, that’s it. This wheel of fate,” Quitegone pointed to the giant roulette wheel he sat on, “did bring us together. It is our destiny to meet. Your son was created by the power of the farce.”
“The farce?”
“The farce binds us and all things together. It flows between the water and the land, between the plants and animals. It creates life.”
“So what you’re saying is…” Shammey cocked her head to one side.
“The farce impregnated you with the chosen one.”
“The chosen one?”
“Jetti prophecy predicts the chosen one will have no father. He will come and balance the universal forces of good and evil, bringing harmony to all.”
Shammey’s forehead wrinkled in concentration. “So my son…”
“Is the chosen one!” Quitegone stood up. He drank the last of the purple fluid and set the coconut down with an authoritative thump. “Come, I will meet your son. I will train him in the ways of the farce.”
Shammey smiled widely and thought she just got her money’s worth for this singles event.
Chapter 4 The Chosen One
On the way out of the singles bar, Quitegone collected Obegone from a reluctant-to-part-with-him Jabya.
“Make sure to call me,” said Jabya. “I hate it when men don’t call.”
“Anything for you, babycakes,” said Obegone, still reeling from the Denobian love drink.
The two Jetti and Shammey made their way to her home. Like most of the buildings in Mosteffa, her home was made of adobe smoothed by years of sandstorms. Inside, it was decorated in chic of long gone days, with a sofa that was fashionable 15 year ago and a chandelier made of antlers from some desert goats. Quitegone looked at the shelves holding a few books and a cracked vase. The book titles included: Find Love, on a Budget, Take Me as I am, or Else!, I Do--I Don’t--What Should I Do?, The Single Moms Guide to Single Men, and The Smart Girls Guide to Smart Men.
“Manikin, I’m home,” said Shammey. “Manikin, where are you? Did you take the garbage out? You’re not playing video games again, are you?”
In the corner of the living room, a gangly youth stood in front of a large computer screen filled with club wielding trolls. He grunted a greeti
ng without even looking up.
“Manikin, dear, we have a visitor. Come over here and meet the nice man.”
“I’m busy mom,” said Manikin, jerking his arm so that the computer motion tracking device made his warrior avatar swat a troll.
“You hit that troll with great accuracy,” said Quitegone. “You have great hand eye coordination.”
“It’s only a video game,” said Obegone sobering up when he realized Quitegone was going to take in another lost soul.
“Watch this,” said Manikin. “I can take out three trolls at once.” Manikin swung his arm back, and his avatar moved in sync. Manikin suddenly swung his arm forward making his avatar’s sword cut in a deadly arc through the trolls. “You Earned Triple points!” flashed on the screen.
“Excellent,” said Quitegone. “It’s like you’re wielding a light sword. I’ll bet you could use a light sword with great dexterity.”
Obegone rolled his eyes.
Manikin finally looked away from his video game. “Use a light sword? That sounds cool!”
“I can teach you how to use a light sword. I can teach you the power of the farce,” said Quitegone posing like a monk, with his arms crossed, hands tucked into the opposite sleeves, and a serene smile on his face.
“Power,” said Manikin. Obegone noticed an evil gleam enter Manikin’s eyes.
“So you’ll take him on as your apprentice?” said Shammey eagerly.
“Master Quitegone, we need to check outside for Dark Rips,” said Obegone.
“There aren’t any Dark Rips here,” said Quitegone.
Obegone grabbed Quitegone by the arm, and dragged him outside. “We need to secure the perimeter. There are women and children present.”
“Master Quitegone, you can’t take on an apprentice. Jetti masters can only have one apprentice, and I’m your apprentice,” said Obegone once they were out of earshot of Shammey.
“Then Manikin will have to be your apprentice,” said Quitegone.
“I’m an apprentice. I can’t have an apprentice.”
“I’m declaring you a master Jetti now. Congratulations!”
Twilight of the Star Vampires (Set of Books 1-3):A Parody of the Twilight Saga, Star Wars and Star Trek Page 3
