by Amy Stephens
None.
Then why am I suddenly so hurt?
“Erica, stop. Hold on.” I could hear him say as I walked off.
I prayed the elevator would hurry up to the second floor. I needed fresh air now.
Chapter Eleven
On the drive home tonight I thought about what had just happened. I looked down at my shirt that was still partially opened and buttoned it all the way up. I felt cheap, used. Why? I wasn’t exactly sure. Why was making out with Jaime any different from someone else? Was it because he was older than me? Was it because he was a prisoner?
I closed my bedroom door and immediately started removing all of my clothes. Right before I tossed my top in the hamper to be washed, I lifted it up to my nose. Sure enough, it smelled just like him. As I breathed in his scent, it brought tears to my eyes just thinking about it. He didn’t wear any kind of cologne, or at least none that I had detected. I seriously doubted if he was even allowed to have any. The scent was just clean, manly. And it consumed me.
I really liked Jaime. He was fun to be with and we enjoyed each other’s company, the little bit we were able to actually be together. But what would we be like together in the real world? Would I be so apt to throw myself at him like I had just done if we were free to do things like ordinary couples? Or would I be more focused and conservative, more like the real person that I am? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the teasing and flirting but was it right? I couldn’t help the feelings and emotions he brought out in me even if they were a little kinky. The man just really turned me on.
I gave up the battle worrying about it. It wasn’t going to be solved now or even a couple of months from now. The deciding factor would be once Jaime was released, would he still have an interest in me? I just hoped when I woke up in the morning I’d feel differently about it all.
The next evening, I arrived at the library late. At one point I had actually contemplated if I should even come at all. But I’d made up my mind I wasn’t going to do anything to put myself through any more pain and anguish. At least not tonight anyways.
The three of us worked diligently on our project and, other than one final read through, we had it nearly completed. Ray said he’d go over it in depth one more time over the weekend, make final copies for the both of us, then we’d be ready to present it to Professor Jordon. I felt confident in our work, and despite my feelings toward Ray, I was actually glad to have been placed in the group with him. Ray took his work seriously and didn’t settle for mediocre work. Jaime also did above average work. When we’d gotten our first test scores back both of them had scored high A’s and I’d been happy with my B+.
Ray didn’t bother to hang around once we’d called it a night and I looked over at Jaime wondering if he were planning to stay.
“Are you okay? You seem distant tonight.” He asked me once Ray was out of ear shot and I detected a concerned look on his face.
“I’m fine.” I was short but didn’t know what more to say. I was still dealing with my emotions from earlier. Technically, we didn’t owe each other anything. We were just two students who had taken a liking to one another and had fooled around. I will not get emotionally attached to him. I absolutely can’t let that happen. Right, who am I kidding?
“You don’t seem fine to me. I know you left last night feeling like I was just using you. You got upset when you asked me if there had been other girls in previous classes and I’m sorry.”
“Jaime, look, it’s not a big deal. I got a little carried away. That’s all. It’s really none of my business.” Then why was I getting all upset all over again tonight if it was no big deal?
“I don’t want to hurt you Erica. I like being with you. You are fun and you tease the hell out of me. I go back to camp every night wishing I could have just one night with you away from here, away from this place. Just one night.” He tossed his hands up in the air and I could see the look of frustration on his face. “But you and I, we’re different. We’ve got completely different backgrounds and you deserve better than me. I have a criminal record that will stay with me for the rest of my life. It doesn’t matter what I do after I leave here, certain things are part of my life and that will never change. You deserve so much more than me.”
I listened intently to what he was saying. Yes, we did come from two totally different cultures but it didn’t mean I should judge him or hold anything against him. If he were being honest with me, and I really think he was, there was no need for me to take him for granted. He owed me nothing. If we remained friends once he left here, then that was just an added bonus. If we didn’t, I could honestly say I’d enjoyed our time together. He’d truly made my first semester of college one that I’d never forget. Not even Monica could compete with what I was experiencing. I just needed to stop being so serious and let things happen naturally. I needed to enjoy the ride and have fun because Jaime wasn’t always going to be here.
Life was way too short.
I bit my bottom lip to hold back the tears. He was right, I did deserve more. And I also believed he deserved more too, more than what he was giving himself credit for.
He could see I was upset so he quickly changed the subject.
“So, now that we’re finishing up with our project do you think you would want to meet up here sometimes? You know, just to talk.”
I didn’t think our limited time in class was enough and I was glad he’d asked.
“I would love to keep coming here to see you. You’re one of the few things I look forward to every day.”
I couldn’t hide the smile that crept up on my face through the remaining tears. Just hearing him ask this gave me hope.
We spent the remainder of our time together that night just talking about us. I shared with him the anger and frustration I had felt towards my parents after the divorce and how they had altered my original plans for college. In some ways, I guess that had been a good thing or I would have never met Jaime.
We also discussed what it was like for him not having a father while growing up and I suddenly felt bad for my ill feelings towards my own father.
“I didn’t know who I was angrier with more, my mom or my dad.” I told him. “I wanted to blame somebody just because they hadn’t thought about my feelings. Never did I consider how they must be feeling. They kept telling me they were both sorry but I didn’t want to listen.”
“Well, you are pretty stubborn.” He teased.
“I am not.” I reached out and playfully pushed his arm. It felt good for things to be normal again, if normal was even possible.
When we gathered our things to leave for the night, I stepped inside the elevator with him. I really didn’t care if someone saw us together right then. We were friends, no matter what the rules said.
Before we reached the main floor, Jaime leaned over and hugged me. Honestly, it felt good to be held for those few moments and I couldn’t remember the last time someone had done that. Sometimes it’s the little things that mean so much.
As I drove out of the parking lot, I waved to him. He held his hand up and a smile spread across his face.
I picked up an extra shift at work over the weekend and it helped to keep my mind off of Jaime. I admit, there was something deeper than what I wanted to believe and rather than fight it, I decided I’d just see where it would take me. He didn’t have to like me and he didn’t have to meet up with me again, but he’d wanted to and that was all the reassurance I needed to know there more on his part too.
On Tuesday night Jaime didn’t show up for class and I was worried something may have happened to him. Had someone seen us at the library together? Did he get in trouble? Our presentation was coming up the following week and the last thing that needed to happen was to lose another group member now.
I became even more worried on Thursday night when Jaime didn’t show up yet again. I walked to the restroom to splash cold water on my face after the first hour had passed. I was having trouble concentrating and I hoped this would help me
regain my focus. When I walked out, a dark skinned guy wearing one of the Falcon Club jumpsuits stepped out in front of me and I ran right into him.
“Excuse me. I didn’t see you.” I felt bad for not paying attention to where I was going.
“Here.” He mumbled then handed me a blank white envelope. I didn’t have time to ask him who it was from or what it was about before he had disappeared around the corner.
I took my seat again and stared at the envelope lying on the table in front of me. I tore open the back flap and slipped out the piece of paper that was inside.
“I’ve missed seeing you and wanted to let you know the reason why I’ve not been to class is because I’ve been sick. I started feeling bad over the weekend and by Monday I was burning up with a fever. The wardens sent me to the medic and I tested positive for strep. I’m not sure where I got it from but wanted you to know in case you started to feel ill, you’d have an idea of what it might be. I hope you don’t get it because this is some nasty stuff. I should be feeling better by next week and would hope you’d like to meet at the library on Monday night. Until then, sweet dreams my love. See you in our spot. XOXO – J”
I reread his letter again and I felt relieved knowing he was just sick and nothing more. I placed the note back inside the envelope and tucked it in my purse.
We’d never talked about him having visitors at the camp and I wondered how much trouble it would be to see him. Did federal inmates get visitation privileges? It wasn’t something I was willing to try on my own without speaking with him about it first so I had no other choice but to wait until Monday and hoped he was well enough to return to the library again.
Chapter Twelve
Monica came home over the weekend and I was glad to see her smiling face. She and Dave were still dating and I was happy for her. She hinted around about Jaime but I didn’t volunteer too much information. With the semester halfway over, I didn’t want to think about what I was going to do when it ended.
The fair was in town and it didn’t take much for her to convince me to go. There was nothing better than smelling the candied apples and cotton candy. We walked through the exhibits inside the main building and even got to see a rodeo. We cheered at the cowboys as they rode the bulls and roped the cattle. One cowboy even spotted us up in the bleachers and tipped his hat up to us. It was just like old times with Monica and I was glad she’d talked me into going.
Once we hit the midway, we purchased armbands so we could ride all of the rides over and over. Getting off of the Ferris wheel, I noticed a couple who was waiting to take our seat. The man was obviously much older than the woman but no one paid any attention to them. Except me. They were lovers and it showed just from the way they looked at each other, the way they stood close to one another, the way they touched. He held her hand as she took her place in the seat next to him. Then, he leaned over and kissed her, not caring if anyone saw them.
“Hey. You coming?”
I hadn’t realized how focused I’d been on the couple.
“Yeah, I’m coming.”
“What was that all about? Did you know them?”
“Nope, never seen them before.”
I wondered if that could be Jaime and me one day. Maybe?
We grabbed a couple of corndogs then stopped to play a few games. Monica and I took turns throwing darts at a wall set up with balloons until we’d popped enough to get a medium-size stuffed animal. We talked the carnival guy into letting us have two smaller ones instead of just the medium one. Monica grabbed a frog with bright spots that was hanging overhead and I selected an odd looking bird that was clipped to the side of the stand.
“What the heck is that?” She questioned when she saw what I’d picked out.” You should have gotten something pretty, like my frog.”
She held it up to my face and I pushed it away, playfully. As many times as I’d come to the fair and played the games I don’t think I’d ever seen anything like it.
“It’s a bird of some sort, I think.”
“Look at how the wings are spread apart. I think it’s deformed or something.” She laughed at the unattractive appearance of the stuffed animal.
“I don’t know. It just sort of looks like it’s soaring. It’s unique.”
“Let me see it.” She said as she pulled it from my hands.
Tilting it to the side, she pulled at the tag on the back of the bird so she could read the small print. All of these stuffed animals were made in mass quantities, no doubt from a foreign country overseas, and cost pennies to make. They seriously weren’t worth much of anything. If people were smart they’d just go to the toy store and purchase a stuff animal instead of paying so much money on these games. They were being ripped off with the quality of the items they won but everyone did it. Guys were emptying their wallets for that one special stuffed animal for their sweetheart. It happened all the time. You simply couldn’t leave the fair without a stuffed animal.
“Look at this.” Monica added as she did a closer examination on the stuffed bird.
“What?” I couldn’t imagine what she’d found now. She was checking it out so closely I wondered if she just wanted to swap.
“It says it’s a falcon. Who would have guessed?”
She tossed it back over to me and we made our way towards the exit. I tucked the bird tightly underneath my arm and thought of Jaime, The Falcon Club, and the emblem on his jumpsuit. I didn’t know the significance of it but I was glad I’d chosen the stuffed falcon.
Monica spent most of Sunday with her family and stopped by to tell me goodbye later that evening before she left to go back to school.
“Whatever’s bugging you, you’re going to be fine you know.”
She gave me a hug and I knew she was right. I’d not told her any more but somehow she knew. Best friends have a way of just knowing these things.
The next day, I wondered if Jaime was well enough to meet. Before leaving the main campus building, I stopped in at the coffee shop and grabbed a cup of soup, a cold cut sandwich and a bottled water. I stuffed an assortment of condiments for the sandwich in my purse and headed to the car.
When I got to the library I noticed the bus driving off and I quickly looked towards the entrance to see if I could spot Jaime among the other inmates who were already walking in. My heart fluttered and I took it as a good sign--he had to show up tonight. I needed to see him again. I wasn’t able to pick him out but he could have already made it inside and I’d just missed him.
I dumped the books out of my bag and carefully placed the soup and sandwich in the bottom. I used the couple of napkins I had grabbed to prop the soup so it wouldn’t spill. Keeping the bag upright, I toted it inside the building. I knew there were rules about having any food or beverages inside the library but I had a plan.
I stood in front of the elevator waiting to get on. When the doors opened, I stepped inside and prayed he’d be there waiting for me. As the elevator slowly rose, I could feel the bag trembling in my grip. Why was I nervous about seeing him? It felt as though we were meeting up for the first time all over again. Please, just let him be here.
The elevator came to a stop and when the doors opened, I took a step forward. Someone else was getting on the same time I was trying to get off and I bumped into them. I lost the hold I had on my bag and it slipped to the floor.
“Oh, excuse me.” I apologized, not bothering to look up. I quickly bent down to straighten the bag afraid the soup had spilled.
I felt silly that I’d been so preoccupied with my thoughts that I hadn’t seen the other person. The table we had previously used for class meetings with Ray sat empty and I admit, I felt a little piece of my heart break seeing it unoccupied. Shifting the bag over to my other hand, I continued to walk towards the back.
When I got to the table we’d sat at before, it too was empty. Disappointed, I pulled out a chair and placed my bag in the seat beside me. Since I’d emptied the contents of my bag out in the car to make room for the food, I
didn’t have any books with me and I needed to find something to put in front of me in case someone happened to walk by. I’d look pretty stupid just sitting here with a gloomy look on my face. I pulled my phone out of my purse but I wasn’t in the mood to look through social media.
I continued to rummage through my purse hoping to find a piece of gum or a mint but came up empty handed. I did manage to find a set of earbuds inside one of the zippered pockets that I had forgotten all about. I pulled them out and plugged them into my phone. Unlocking my phone, I noticed the time was only five minutes later than the last time I’d checked. I turned on the music app and placed the buds in my ears. I scrolled through a couple of songs before settling on a few of my favorites. I closed my eyes and listened to the words.
When the second song came to an end I had the strangest feeling someone was standing close by. I pulled one bud out and turned around to see Jaime leaning against the bookshelf, staring at me.
“Hello beautiful.”
It was so good to hear his voice.
“How long have you been standing there?”
“Not long but long enough for me to realize I’ve been away from you for far too long.”
Did he just say he’d been away from me for too long?
Walking over to the table, he leaned down and brushed his lips against the side of my neck. Oh yes, I had missed him too.
“How are you feeling?” I was at a loss for words.
“Much better, thank you for asking.”
I picked the bag up from the chair and offered him the seat beside me.
“What’s that smell?” He asked and I noticed him titling his head upwards as though he was trying to figure it out.
I’d completely forgotten all about the soup and lifted my bag up from the floor.
“Oh, I almost forgot. I brought you something. I hope it’s still okay.”
