As he stared up, the sky became a glassy blur from his tears. The plane was no longer in sight. Not even a cloud remained. “No, course not.” He sniffed and wiped his nose. “I hate myself for that.”
“Will I ever see you again, Jared? You and Banch—”
“Banch is gone forever,” he cut her off. “But so am I.”
“Why Jared?”
“In a few months’ time, you’ll understand. Be happy, okay? It’s tough to come by, but it has to be possible. I think so anyway.”
“What are you—oh, the walls just moved again.”
“Stay on the bed… okay? Kaitlin?” Jared waited a moment. “Kaitlin, are you there?” He checked the phone.
CALL LOST.
He called her back but it went straight to voicemail. Quickly he stuffed the phone back into his pocket and painfully got to his feet.
His heart twitter-thumped.
He walked to the edge of the building and peered down. A sloping wall of tinted windows flared out the side, running away to blue sky nothingness. In the vast empty space, a couple of birds attacked each other and then dove out of sight. He wouldn’t be climbing down that anytime soon.
And like an answer to this, the roof tiles started dropping through the floor, one by one. In the square voids they left behind, Jared only saw darkness. The tiles underneath him quivered. He moved out to the sloping ledge and climbed a bit farther out onto the slick surface of the windows. In no time the roof had become nonexistent, just a long dark drop into infinity.
On the ledge there was no place for his hands to grip. He would have to wait, crouched there, extremely careful not to move. Hopefully when the Disturbance Paradigm ended it would correct all the structures it changed.
It had to.
Had to.
He had to wait it out, or climb down. That was that.
His tennis shoes squeaked on the glass, and gradually his body slid down the glass surface toward the edge.
Chapter 25
Jared
When Jared was twenty-eight years old…
He’d never been so alone. It had only been a month since he’d broken it off with Denise, and he’d managed to finally delete all of her and the kids’ pictures from his phone. Kaitlin had been going out a lot with some casting agent named Janice and was only around to talk at lunch time. He relied more on the Kangjuns than ever before, and although he loved them, he had an idea that staying over at their place to watch the late shows every night might be wearing out his welcome. After all, they were married and needed some kind of time alone together.
It was difficult to be completely by himself. Each night he turned on the TV in his living room and bedroom just to hear human voices. Watching movies without Kaitlin seemed a betrayal so he’d put on documentaries, music video programs, or reality shows. He regularly would sketch or ink late into the night rather than really pay attention to the TV. In those moments of creation, his mind would flux between the task and to Denise and the kids. When he got that processed, his thoughts would settle on familiar old territory:
Kaitlin.
He wished she would understand him—not just how he felt about her, but his entire life, every little thing he’d gone through that made him afraid or unsure—made him who he was. She knew most everything about him but she’d never experienced it. She didn’t know what it really meant to be inside his skin and see the world through every shade of anxiety and doubt. Maybe that knowledge for her would transcend sexuality? Maybe she would fall in love with him, or at very least understand him better?
But what would she really do with such insight into him? Would she try to fix him? She’d always been trying to inject him with courage, but with knowing his heart maybe she’d have a better route planned. Or what if she just thought him hopeless? What if she quit on him? It was hard for him to speculate.
One evening, just as he’d put his inking pens away, his phone rang. He had dropped down on his bed and planned to just lay there, think, and lock eyes with Uma Thurman on his Pulp Fiction poster for a bit before changing out of his clothes. It was early for him, only 8:45 pm, but initially he was a little peeved someone would call so late.
He couldn’t be peeved anymore when he saw who it was.
“Hey Kait—I thought you were at the beach.”
“The beash?”
“Uh… yeah.” Jared turned on his Chewbacca lamp. “On a date with, what’s her name, Janet? Janice?”
“Hey guess what?” Kaitlin cried, the previous question unanswered.
“What?”
“Holy shizzlins… I’m… I’m coming over. Right now.”
“You’re—huh?”
“Takin’ a cab. Left my car somewhere. Anywhere. Nowhere. Shit if I can find it.”
He couldn’t help but chuckle, even though he immediately became worried for her. “You’re drunk.”
Kaitlin blew out a raspberry. “How the hell can you say that? You don’t drink—you got no clue, muthafucka!”
Now Jared burst out laughing. Kaitlin seldom swore at people. Inanimate objects, yes; people, no.
“Okay, well excuse me. When can I expect you?”
“Esspeck me? Fuuudge, if I know. Hold on.” Her voice dropped at first but then it suddenly bumped in volume. “I SAID WHEN ARE WE GETTING THERE, DUDE?”
The cabbie murmured something in the background. Kaitlin barked at him about something but it was indiscernible.
“A day? A goddamn day?” There was a pause. “You said twennie-four hoursh.” Another pause. “Bullshit, you said twennie midgets. Minutes. Ha. Midget—that was pretty funny.”
“Hey Kaitlin,” Jared chimed in.
“Eh?”
“Stop talking before you get your butt kicked out on the road.”
“He wouldn’t.”
“He could,” Jared pointed out.
“Akmal, would you kick me out?” A long pause. “Oh!” Kaitlin’s voice went an octave higher. “Why didn’t you just say something? It’s all fun and fun stuff here tonight!”
“Text me when you get here,” Jared told her. “Okay?”
“Yes mama!”
The call ended and Jared shook his head. A smile was on his face though. He’d seen Kaitlin drunk only a few times before and she was a handful, but he welcomed the company, as well as something he couldn’t yet put his finger on.
When she got there, he had to pay the cabbie and then almost drag Kaitlin to his apartment. He asked her a few times what happened on her date but she thought the “Life’s a beach!” pun was too hilarious and much more relevant. From what he gathered though, the date had not ended well.
He got Kaitlin to the couch and let her rest there while he went to get some ice water. “Don’t break anything,” he told her.
She tossed up her hands and gave him a look of astonishment. “Is—are you kidding? Don’t talk to me like that. This is my house.”
“No, it isn’t,” he laughed, and went to the kitchen. He took out a glass and went to the Arrowhead water cooler. As the water poured out he heard something shatter on the fireplace.
“Shit!” Kaitlin yelled.
“What was that?” He accidently got water on his hand and flung off some droplets.
“Who put glass figgers—figgereens where people can bump them?”
“On the mantle?”
“On the mantle. Christ!”
Jared walked back out to the living room. Kaitlin was on her knees by the red brick fireplace, staring in dismay at a small explosion of crystal scattered there. She turned her bloodshot eyes up to him.
“Was that my seagull?”
She lowered her head and shrugged. “That’s what it was?” Her hand moved to her face and she clutched it, moaned miserably. “Why’s everything moving?”
She poised over the glass, oblivious to it being there, like she wanted to lean on the fireplace for support.
“Stop!” he said. “You’ll cut yourself!”
This frightened her and
she drew her hand up. “I need—to be sick.”
“Come on then. Bathroom.”
“Nope!” She jumped to her feet, staggered, and then ran into him, almost knocking the glass of water from his grasp. Her face was so close to his, her lips only a breath from his own. “We should watch Gremlins 2,” she suggested with a goofy smile. Her long crimson hair hid one of her pretty, wild eyes.
Jared gently pushed her away. “It’s too late to start a movie.”
“Oh bull pucky!” Her head jerked left and right, eyes searching the room like a mad woman. “Where’s the remote?”
“Take this water. Drink it. SLOW,” he cautioned.
She grunted and accepted the plastic Taco Bell Batman collector’s cup. Jared went back into the kitchen, got the dust pan and brush from under the sink. It was strange to him. His housekeeper Rosie was the only one who normally cleaned anything. Doing this made him feel more grown-up.
He knelt before the glass mess that used to be two seagulls in flight. His father had got it for him shortly after he lost track of Fatso. Later he collected other figures: dragons, griffins, castles, some farm animals. They were beautiful—in high school he would sit on his bed listening to Nine Inch Nails and Tool and sketch the figures in different poses.
Now his favorite was just shimmering shards and glitter dust.
“I’m shawrry. Sorry, I mean,” Kaitlin whispered, watching him solemnly from the couch.
“It’s just a thing, Kait.”
“Your dad got that for you,” she said, wiping a tear from her eye. “Shoulda stayed on the couch. I’m stupid. No wonder nobody will ever have me.”
Rather than go to the trash, Jared set the dust pan full of glassy debris on his coffee table. He dropped down next to her. “Why would you say something like that?”
“I cannot—cain’t—can’t—” she chuckled, but it was empty. Her eyes centered on something far away. “I can’t love. The people I want don’t love me back.”
“And the people who love you, you don’t want,” he added.
She narrowed her eyes at him. “Everybody wants to be happy, to find perfection. I would just settle for a female version of you.”
He grinned. “I’m not too shabby then, for a guy?”
She pinched his cheek, a little too hard. “Ouch!” he cried.
“Don’t get me started.” She glanced around in silent confusion. “Why aren’t we watching Gremlins?”
“Because we both work tomorrow and you’ll be hung over as it is.”
“No shitting way. You need to get up and search that out. Nowsies.”
He smirked, pushed up to his feet with a sigh, and went over to his tower of DVDs. They used to be in ABC order when Kaitlin visited more often, but now the discs were all over the place. “Gimme a sec. You haven’t helped organize for a long time. You left me high and dry.”
“Oh bite me.”
“Don’t tease.”
Kaitlin hissed in amusement. “What’s up with you and lover girl? You haven’t said much about Denise lately. Thought… ugh, I feel raw.”
“You okay?”
She smacked her lips and closed her eyes for a second. “Yeah. Yep. So what’s up?”
“With Denise?”
Kaitlin looked twenty hues of green and her tone indicated her patience had run out. “Yes you douche.”
“The kids. I don’t like kids. It just didn’t work for me.”
She reviewed her feet with great interest, nodding, obviously too drunk to ask for elaboration. “I like kids,” she said, and stared off for a second and then back to him in alarm. “Jared—I need to vomit.”
He hurried to her and took her under the arms. She sagged and he fought to pull her to her feet. “Come on, to the toilet.”
“Why?” she announced. “I’m… I’m fine.”
“But you just said…?”
“No, I’m good. Stop copping a feel.”
He sighed and gradually let his hold of her go. Kaitlin belched into her fist and muttered something about Tikka Masala. He found Gremlins 2 but rather than put it on, he set it near the DVD player and returned to the couch. After a few minutes she shifted closer. “I miss your mom and dad.”
“You and me both.”
“They were good people. Taken too soon.”
“Agreed. Though I guess everybody feels that way about loved ones.”
“Weren’t you supposed to put on Gremlins?”
“Weren’t you supposed to upchuck?”
She glared daggers at him and he laughed. She folded her arms and looked away.
“So what happened, Kait? Janice seemed special. Why don’t you ever tell me about your dates?”
She was about to say something and stopped short. Shrugged. “My head hurts.”
“You’re worried about me, right? That is what this is about. You never feel right leaving me alone. My parents didn’t either.”
With a roll of her eyes, Kaitlin sat back deeper into the couch. “Ugh. I don’t feel as sorry for you as you think.”
“Have your water.”
She grudgingly took a sip. “Ya know, you’ve told me dick-all about Denise, too. I thought you and I were best friends.”
“We are.”
“So why the secrecy?”
“There isn’t any.”
“Yeah right. You had your head up her ass for months. You’d take forever to answer my texts. I had to always invite myself over. I was like unwanted leftovers stashed in the freezer.”
“Not like that at all. I just didn’t have as much free time.” He sat there uncomfortably for a second. “So yeah, not like that at all.”
“It… is.”
“Well fine, I can say the same.”
“I know you can, and just did. That’s why we need to never be stupid again about love. Just… because… ugh. I think I feel sick again.”
“You okay?”
“We should never let love dominate us.”
Jared smiled. “Kinda what love does though, right?”
“No!” she said sternly. “To hell with that mess! Friends are more important. New love is… dumb.”
“Maybe,” said Jared.
“If I’d ever said something bad about Denise, would you have believed me?”
He caught a stock answer in his throat and consciously squashed it. “No, I guess I couldn’t bear anything negative said about her.”
“That’s right. Love is built on a foundation of self-delusion and untruth. Is untruth a word?”
“Who knows, but I think you could say lies just as well.”
“That’s too harsh.”
“I don’t think love is built on that though, no matter what you call it.”
“Keep telling yourself that,” she said with a nod.
“I will.”
She burped into her hand again and grimaced at the flavor. “I’m glad you’re such a romantic.”
“Hardly.”
Kaitlin scooted closer to him and grabbed him by the wrists. “Jared.”
“What?”
She stared him deep in the eyes. “There is no perfect person for us out there.”
“You’re entitled to that opinion.”
“I know I am, you ass – I know.”
She stood, swayed. Her hand pressed to her mouth. Jared knew it was really time now and guided her to the bathroom. He held her hair back and let her purge her stomach. He wiped her face, got her shoes off, and helped her into his bed, turned the fan on, left a pair of Advil with a piece of bread and a cup of water on the nightstand, and left the bedroom window cracked for fresh air. He loved this. It was the first time he’d ever taken care of someone else when they really needed him the most. He couldn’t even say that for his parents when they’d become older and ill. Doing this for his friend indeed made him happy. He desired to have a chance, someday, to help someone else, and he wondered who that future someone might be.
Chapter 26
The Banshee
B
anch measured her every movement in the city. For her, a being who did not have full residence in this world as it was, colliding with something generated by the Disturbance Paradigm could make more problems. Not that a worst case scenario could even be conceivable at this point. So far, she’d escaped buildings from other dimensions appearing around her, streets changing shape, trees and other exotic plant life cropping up in her path, wild animals emerging from the shadows and then vanishing as soon as they came—this fading out of view was an excellent sign though; the Assembly was helping to hold off the collision of dimensions. It was their function anyway—even though this task was more severe than what they normally handled; akin to asking a surgeon to operate on a three-hundred-ton heart from an alien life form.
She had to admit, as much as she wanted them all to rot, the Assembly were doing a hell of a job. There had only been twenty—thirty—Banch thought a moment and nodded. No, it had been more now. Eighty or so lives had departed before the death schedule. The fault for those lives truly rested on Banch’s shoulders. She should have left Jared alone. And yet, there was no other way it could have happened, and that time with him in the hotel, so selfish and used to death as she’d become, the collateral damage was almost worth it.
You have a cold heart, Utumm Resona.
Or perhaps it just burned with a fire of its own? She didn’t want to feel regret for the dead anymore. They’d almost become, she hated to say, annoying. They were so willing to go from this wonderful existence, all for that empty, bright white nothing. That had to mean there was something more, right? But how did they know? Nobody knew.
Banch had a theory. The power of that light reminded her of an intense furnace. Not a hellish place to roast and suffer, just a gateway that refined your soul into fuel. All burdens were gone. All pain immediately resolved. There would be no need to think about death anymore because you became everything. This wasn’t resting in peace, this wasn’t eternal torment, this was becoming the lightning that laps at the heels of Gods, this was purpose beyond purpose. The soul had much power in it, and that power needed to be reclaimed somehow; the universe had countless instances of doing just that, so it had to apply here as well.
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