by Cynthia Dane
“So what did you do?”
“What do you think I did? I left in the middle of the night and got what I wanted. I didn’t need his permission, his money, or his body by my side. I went alone. I learned that day that I was best off doing everything on my own, because I’m the only person I can truly trust.” Ashes landed on Sloan’s pants. Cursing, she brushed them off and extinguished her second cigarette. “I lay there in that doctor’s office going over my whole marriage. Everything started making sense. I left that office with my blinders off. He could send a hitman after me for all I cared. I was still telling him that day that our relationship was over. He would never have that hold on me again.”
“But you’re… you’re still married to him!”
“Yes. That happened almost seven years ago, if you can believe it. I’m still married to him. Because after I told him I was leaving, he struck me a deal – he knew I couldn’t turn down a good business deal, you know.”
Those chills now rippling down Sloan’s spine had nothing to do with the ice she melted. It was the memories eating her alive.
“He agreed that our marriage was over. He acted like it was because I broke his trust, but I refused to listen to that. I merely clung to the promise that we would live separate lives, including having new lovers, while keeping the business together. We’d also stay married because of the tax breaks.” Sloan rubbed her forehead. Tension headaches were about to get her soon. “Another way to keep controlling me, though it was ‘over.’”
“Is that when you started dating women again?”
“Yes. Almost right way I hired a woman to have sex with me. I treated it as a palate cleanser. What I didn’t know was that I wasn’t ready. I instantly treated her like I wanted to treat my husband.”
Leah gasped.
“I didn’t hurt her or do anything she didn’t agree to, okay? But I had no idea I was going back to my old habits, only now tying her up didn’t mean a fun, hot time. It meant living out what my husband had done to me for so many years. I was…” She thought of her therapist, an older woman who had too much experience dealing with women like Sloan. She’s why I fly to New York once a month, right? Just to talk to her ass. “I was processing, okay? All sex has been nothing but that ever since.”
Leah continued to massage her wrists. “So everything we’ve done together… you were…”
“It’s not like that. Not entirely, I guess.”
Leah leaped up from the couch. “You were using me to work out your issues with your husband?”
“No!” Sloan stood, her hand shooting for Leah’s. “Didn’t you hear me? It wasn’t like that at all. Okay… maybe in the beginning…”
Leah pulled her hand back. “I trusted you,” she screeched, that all-too-familiar look of a woman realizing she’s in way over her head crowning her countenance. “You were the first person I felt confidant enough to say all that stuff about myself to… I thought that we had a real thing going on here… I thought you were my dream come true.”
Sloan didn’t try to touch her again. What was the point? She knew first-hand that it would only drive Leah further away. “I’m sorry. I never intended for us to be anything more than a casual fling.” This is why I don’t date. This is what I don’t have girlfriends. I can’t. It’s too dangerous.
I’ll hurt them.
Whether in the bedroom or in their hearts, Sloan was destined to destroy every woman who crossed her path. Distance was an absolute necessity. Some women could be trusted for the occasional hookup and nothing more, but a real relationship, like the one she courted with Leah? It would bring about the end of them both.
“Last night I said that I loved you… now I know that it was a joke to you.”
“Please, don’t do that.”
“Do what? Say the truth?” Leah was either on the verge of sobbing, or she was about to slap Sloan across the face. Perhaps both. I wouldn’t put it past her. Nor would I blame her. “You knew how naïve I was. You knew how much I wanted to explore the kind of relationship I wanted… and you… you had all of that baggage and never once thought it might be a bad idea to take out your marital frustrations on me?”
“I never thought of it like that.” In truth, Sloan hadn’t realized what she was doing with Leah until now. If I even am doing that with her. What do I know right now? Nothing. I fucking know nothing. “As far as I’m concerned, I’m divorced from that man. He’s my ex. I’m free to pursue any relationship I want.”
“Trust me, Margaret.” That was the first time Leah said Sloan’s first name. It was also the first time in a long while she heard the whole thing. Not Maggie. Not Mags. Margaret. “I know all about living with the thing that traumatizes you the most. You’re never free.”
What was she talking about? Sloan would have brushed it off as Leah simply expressing her anger, but there was something familiar in that grate in her voice. It’s the same as mine. Whenever I talk about Aaron, it’s what happens to my voice.
What in the world had happened to Leah?
Sloan gently took Leah’s hand and brought her close. Tears now fell from Leah’s eyes. “You’re right. Which is why I’m trying to get this fixed.”
She kissed Leah’s cheek. When she didn’t reject her, Sloan went for the lips. The kiss lasted for exactly two seconds before Leah shoved her away.
“I think I should go home,” Leah announced, that grate still in her voice. “This is clearly not going to work out.”
The numb sensation of dealing with someone who didn’t want to be with her already touched Sloan’s subconscious. Nodding, she pragmatically said, “I can arrange for you to fly home later this afternoon. Keep whatever I’ve given you. Do whatever you want with…” She glanced at the bracelet on Leah’s wrist.
The bracelet was soon in Sloan’s hand.
“I don’t want your leftovers. It’s your problem to deal with, so you should keep those reminders. Don’t pawn them off on me.”
Sloan swallowed hard enough to choke the pit of her throat. “You’re right. It’s my problem to deal with. I’ll take care of it.”
Leah turned away from her. A part of Sloan knew that these were the final seconds of their relationship, but another part of her said, “Fuck that. Get her back right now.”
As Sloan had learned about herself over the years, however, she was not good at immediately responding to what her gut told her.
Chapter 26
“I can’t believe it,” Leah said into her phone, tears constantly streaming down her face although she did her best to contain them. Nothing was more embarrassing than crying on the MAX. Even when Leah sat in the front row and pressed her face against the window in shame, it was still a long ride from the airport into downtown Portland. “I was so stupid, wasn’t I?”
Melissa clicked her tongue on the other end of the line. “I’m sorry, hon. You didn’t say much about your relationship with this woman, but I’m guessing it was pretty heated, huh?”
“You could say that again.” The MAX stopped on the outskirts of town. A bunch of people boarded, and unfortunately for Leah, a young man with large headphones had nowhere else to sit but next to her. He instantly regretted it. “I wish I had never met her. All she did was use me, and not in the fun way.”
“I’m so sorry. Tell you what, if you feel up to it tomorrow, we’ll go out and have a good time when I get off work. Invite Gina. I’m sure she’ll help you take your mind off this bad breakup.”
Breakup. We’ve broken up. Leah always expected it to happen, but not like… this. Not when they were finally making progress with who they were and what they wanted from each other. Not when Leah had said the magic words. I know she didn’t say them back, but a part of me hoped she felt the same way. Now Leah knew the truth. Sloan never loved her. She didn’t have the ability to love people. All she knew was using and being used.
“God, I smell like cigarettes.” Leah rediscovered that every time she rubbed her jacket sleeve against her face. She had kept the
outfit Sloan gave her, because she was in such a hurry to get on a plane that she didn’t have time to change. Black pearls worth more than her culinary school tuition rattled against her throat. A Kate Spade purse thumped against her side when she turned around. Gifts. Tokens. Buy-outs.
“Take a shower when you get home. I’m sure you’ll feel much better.”
I was supposed to be on vacation. That’s what Leah thought when she hung up and tapped her head against the train window. I worked double-shifts so I could take three days off. So I could go to Chicago for a week. So I could spend every waking moment with my new girlfriend, like some fool who runs away from her problems.
She had warned her family that she was coming home early. She received a curt response from her mother telling her to get her own dinner. Good. Anything else would’ve been out of character for Janet, and Leah wasn’t in the mood to deal with that.
The rain pattered against her curls as she disembarked the MAX at Goose Hollow Station and walked the rest of the way home. She encountered her father sitting on the stoop of their house, a cigarette warming between his fingers. He looked his daughter up and down before shaking his head in warning.
“Bad stuff in there,” he muttered on his cigarette. “You should’ve stayed in Chicago until this blows over.”
Leah didn’t have the energy to express shock. “What happened?”
A scream of anger erupted from within. Karlie’s voice.
Somehow, Leah knew what had happened. It was doomed to happen eventually. The older Karlie grew, the smarter, more observant she became… nobody in that house stood a chance. The first child to go to four-year university was certainly smart enough to figure out the truth behind her own existence.
Leah sucked in a deep breath before heading inside. A part of her felt awful that this would be a good excuse to take her mind off personal matters. Another part of her was terrified to face the truth she had always run from.
She encountered her mother and sister in the dining room, where Janet sat at the head of the table, surrounded by the usual monthly bills. Karlie paced back and forth, her face beet red and her hair frazzled. Sweat dripped from every pore on her body. Her voice had screamed itself hoarse, but she always found a way to keep going.
Her birth certificate lay in the middle of the table. Leah hadn’t seen that since the day Karlie was born.
She would know what it looked like, too. She had signed it, after all.
“Oh my God.” Karlie saw her sister and let out another laugh of betrayal. “Where the hell did you come from? Did you get summoned because I wouldn’t shut up about you?”
Leah stood her ground in the doorway. “I came home early. Personal reasons.”
“Is this your personal reason?” Karlie shook the birth certificate in her sister’s face. “Did you know about th… oh my God, of course you did.” She slapped the piece of paper back down. “You know all about it. Because you’re…”
“I’m your mother. Yes.” Strange. Leah had dreaded this day since Karlie was ripped from her arms at the hospital. The day I told her she was my baby. That the woman she thought was her mother is her grandmother. It had been so easy to hide for most of Karlie’s life. She looked like her mother.
Karlie received a blow to her stomach. She stumbled toward the staircase, took one last look at the women she had trusted for most of her life, and raced upstairs before anyone could say anything else.
Leah glanced at her mother. “How did she find out?”
Janet attempted to straighten up the items on the table. She ignored the copy of the birth certificate. “She was the first one home today and grabbed the mail. Guess she figured out that one of the items was a copy of her birth certificate to send to her colleges… she had opened it by the time I was home.”
“God.” Leah sank into the nearest chair. “So you came home to that?”
Janet nodded. “She had lots of time to formulate her opinions and questions. Trust me. This wasn’t the first confrontation we had tonight. I decided to wait until you were home to answer some of her questions, but she came down here to read me yet another riot act.”
Poor Karlie. This was no way to find out the truth. “Guess I should go talk to her.”
“She definitely doesn’t want to hear from me. I’m not her mother anymore.”
“I doubt she knows who her mother really is right now.”
“Well, it’s not you, either, now is it?”
Leah sat back in her seat. “What do you mean by that?”
“You weren’t the one who raised her. You…”
“I was here the whole time, wasn’t I?” Leah had more than one chance to move out of the house and live a completely independent life. I didn’t, because Karlie was still here. I couldn’t do that to her. She couldn’t do that to herself. Not after everything she had been through. “I changed her diapers. I nursed her when I got home from school. I got up every night to rock her to sleep, though I had school in the morning.”
“Yes, you did those things, but you still weren’t her mother, were you?”
“How can you…”
Janet shot her daughter a razor-lined look. “At no point in her life did she think of you as her mother. I was her mother. You were her big, protective sister. Nothing more.”
Leah stood from the table. For the second time that day, she turned her back on someone she claimed to love and forged forward with her life.
Right now, forging forward meant going upstairs, though a suitcase remained unpacked in the living room.
“Karlie?” She lightly knocked on her sister’s bedroom door. “Can I come in? We can talk.”
Karlie didn’t respond. Leah helped herself inside, where she encountered her sister – no, her daughter – curled up on her bed.
Leah approached the small collage of photographs on her daughter’s vanity. Most of them were of her friends and the few birthday parties she had over the years. Yet there was one, of her infancy, when Leah held baby Karlie so close to her that Janet could almost be heard on the other side of the camera, scolding her for smothering the baby.
“I remember when this picture was taken.” Leah picked it up, her thumb tracing the letters spelling “SISTERS” at the top of the frame. “It was your first Easter. I found this adorable pastel blue dress to put you in, but you screamed so loudly because you hated the fabric. You remember how itchy it used to be?”
Karlie said nothing.
Leah sat next to her on the bed. Karlie curled up into a tighter fetal position, her tears still streaming down her face.
“I’m sorry, Karlie. We should’ve never kept this from you.”
She sat up with a large enough start to likewise frighten Leah. “How could you? I thought you were my sister! You were going to keep that from me forever?”
“No. I wanted to wait until you were out of college. I didn’t want it hanging over you while you studied. I…” She sighed, remembering these same conversations with her own mother. What we were going to do when I was twelve and pregnant. “Honestly, I wanted you so badly, Karlie. The moment you were born, you were my baby.” She pressed the picture frame against her chest. “Except we had all decided… no. Mom was the one who decided. Mom decided to say that you were her baby, so I could save face at school.”
“You’re kidding, right? Why would Mom… that woman… do something like that? She’s the one always harping about personal responsibility! It would’ve been more like her to force you to quit school to raise me!”
“She’s like that because of me.” Leah wanted to push the curls away from Karlie’s face, but refrained from touching her. “I should start from the beginning. It’s a really long story.”
“I thought you were gay,” Karlie said, changing the subject. “As long as I’ve known you, you’ve been this big lesbian that wants nothing to do with men. Oh my God.” Her eyes lit up in fearful understanding. “Were you… you weren’t… who is my father?”
Leah lay a reassuri
ng hand on her daughter’s cheek. “It was nothing like that, sunshine. I was simply a stupid kid who didn’t know what she was doing. It… like I said, you should let me start from the beginning.”
Karlie looked as if she would rather get a root canal.
“Your father is a man named Daryl Beers.” Leah remembered him sitting in the bookstore with his younger children. She also remembered him sitting in middle school history class, one of the most popular boys in their wing of the school. The class clown. A boy going through puberty long before his peers. Leah had been an early bloomer as well. What a dangerous combination when he happened to ask her out to a dance. “He was my classmate back in middle school.”
“You’re kidding, right?” Karlie counted on her fingers. “How old were you when you… had me?”
“I was much too young to be doing that, yes.” Leah couldn’t help but laugh now. Karlie may not understand, because this was too raw for her, but Leah had years to think back on the night she conceived this little girl. I was a little girl myself. How had Leah gone from playing with the Barbies Karlie would soon own, to making out with a boy in the custodian’s closet at school? “The short story is that we were too dumb to be having sex, but we did it anyway. The long story is… well, actually, that’s the long story, too. Kids having sex and having kids. Tale as old as time. Never thought I would be that kind of statistic, but here we are.”
Karlie threw herself back onto her bed. “I’m the child of two middle schoolers. I can only imagine how Mom took it.”
“She was livid, of course. I thought she was going to throw me out of the house when I showed her my pregnancy test.” Leah shuddered to remember those long-ago days. “But you were born a few months later. I couldn’t change that fact.”
“Why in the world would Mom say I was hers?”
“Because your grandmother is a very conservative woman deep down. That was doubly true back then. I didn’t know that I had options, so to speak. I would’ve never been allowed to do them.” God, I can imagine that blowing up in my face. If Sloan thought she had it rough with her husband… Jesus! “Thing is, sunshine, I found out I was pregnant early in the year. Mother got it in her head that you would be born in the late summer, and it would be perfect timing for me to go back to school as if nothing had ever happened. It was only a matter of pulling me out of the public eye as soon as I started showing. I only left the house to go to the doctor. For a time, I lived with your great-grandmother out on the coast.” That woman was worse than Janet. There wasn’t a day that went by when Leah wasn’t made to know how much she had fucked up and would be paying for her sins for the rest of her life.
