by Virna DePaul
“No. I hung up on him right after I took that picture and sent it to you.”
“That picture was the highlight of my day, you know. But we’ll get back to that later, too. Tell me why you were crying.”
“It’s about my job. I don’t know if you’re aware of it, but I’m on administrative leave right now.”
“I didn’t know. Is that how you’re able to take a week off? Because you’re on leave?”
Sighing, she dug into the ice cream, then ate a few bites before responding. “There’s a sexual misconduct suit against me. A graduate student named Logan Cooper filed it after a faculty party.”
“Was he flunking out and needed to blackmail you?”
Her eyes widened. “You’re not goin’ to ask if the charges are legitimate?”
He stared at her. “Seriously?”
“Well, you don’t really know that much about me—”
“I know enough, Grace. Enough to know you would never act inappropriately with one of your students. You can cover your body with tats and piercings and vajazzle, but you’re a class act all the way.”
Her face reflected startled pleasure before she frowned. “Vajazzle?”
“You know… embellishments for…” He waved his hand, making her giggle. “What? I’m being serious. It’s a thing.”
“You’d be the guy to know.” Her smile dimmed. “You’re right. I’d never do anythin’ inappropriate with a student. Not intentionally anyway. But what happened was my fault.”
“How?”
“I did somethin’, and Logan took it the wrong way. Quicker than a knife fight in a phone booth could start, he went to the dean and I was put on leave. I had someone, a witness who said he was goin’ to come forward and explain that Logan misunderstood what happened. But I checked my emails tonight while you were doin’ your magic show and… well this witness is backin’ out.”
“And you’re afraid if the witness doesn’t come forward, you might get fired?”
“Not really.”
“I’m confused.”
“I don’t want my professional reputation stained, believe me I don’t, but I’m leavin’ the job to focus on my plan anyway. This witness… Well, I guess I’m more upset about why he won’t come forward than the fact that he won’t.”
He took the spoon she was waving about out of her hand and put the ice cream on the nightstand, then laced his fingers through hers. Stroking her knuckles with the pad of his thumb, he said, “What was it you did that Logan Cooper took the wrong way?”
Grace let out a deep sigh. “We were at a party—faculty and graduate students. I was his counselor durin’ his undergrad program, and continued to advise him when he got into grad school. I knew he had a bit of a crush on me, but it seemed cute. Naïve, almost. At least, that’s how it seemed at first. But I should have known better. He complained about his teachers a lot. In fact, he complained a lot period. I swear, if he had a ham under both arms he’d cry ‘cause he had no bread. Anyway, he’d come on to me before, but he did so again at this party.”
“You turned him down.”
“Of course. I mean, he was hot in a young college student way, but as I already said, a bit irritatin’. And as a member of the university staff, I was in a position of trust. I’d nevah cross lines with a student, but I blurred those lines at the party.”
“Blurred?”
She pulled her hand away and shifted off to the side so they were no longer touching. “There was someone else there, someone I’d… slept with. One of the professors, Steven LaBrecht. What we had wasn’t anythin’ more than sex, but he was a nice guy and he’d been hintin’ he was interested in gettin’ together again. That he wanted to help me…” She waved her hand. “…You know.”
“Keep going.”
“I was wearin’ a wrap-around dress. And when I sat, my dress slid partway open and showed… pretty much everything. I was wearing a thong. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but as soon as it did…”
“It turned you on, wondering if others would see.”
She stayed silent several seconds. “I wasn’t thinkin’ about Logan at all, but I caught Steven’s eye and he saw me and, well, I let my dress gap open a little too long. Logan must have seen what was happenin’. He took a picture with his phone and turned it in as evidence that I was flirtin’ with him.”
“And Steven was going to be your witness to say you’d been flirting with him?”
Grace winced. “I know. Still tacky, but better the ethics committee know I’m just a skank rather than a skank who’d come onto a student.” Grace’s voice had grown harsh, and she wouldn’t look at him, so Max cupped her chin and made her.
“Don’t ever call yourself a skank or anything derogatory again, do you hear me?”
“Max—”
“Tell me you hear me, Grace.”
“I hear you.”
“Did you want Logan to see you with your thong showing?”
“No. I didn’t want anyone but Steven to see me. The way I was positioned, I didn’t think anyone else could.”
“Did you want Cooper to take a photo of you?”
She shook her head. “No, of course not. But in Logan’s photo, people were millin’ behind me, and I had a martini in my hand. It all looked pretty damnin’. And you can’t forget… I did get turned on by the possibility of someone seein’ me.”
“Someone. Steven. Not a student whose advances you already turned down.”
“It was irresponsible of me.”
“Maybe. It was also irresponsible for you to give me a hummer while I was driving, but I wouldn’t change that for the world. That’s life, Grace. Sometimes you just have to live in the moment. Sometimes doing that will come back to bite you. It doesn’t mean you did anything immoral or that someone is justified in throwing a mistake in your face, lying about it, and trying to get you fired because you wouldn’t go out with him.”
“That makes sense, I suppose.”
“So what? The college believed him?”
“He even said the idea of goin’ into a back room and foolin’ around came from me. That I suggested it and then flashed him to provoke him into havin’ sex with me. I don’t think the board would have believed him if it hadn’t been for that photograph. Or if Steven had come forward.”
“So why isn’t he coming forward?”
“He has a new girlfriend. He doesn’t want her to learn he’s into kink, and he’s afraid that’s what will happen. That’s his right, but it just…”
“It makes you feel even more ashamed of what you did. Like there’s more reason to hide it.”
“Yes,” she whispered.
“Get that shit out of your head. You’re intelligent, beautiful, healthy, and have great sexual energy. I understand why this Steven guy has some concerns about coming clean, but that’s because the world can be harsh. It has nothing to do with who you are and whether you should be ashamed.”
She let out a rough laugh. “Sex is supposed to happen in the privacy of one’s own bedroom, not in public. Gettin’ off on the possibility of someone catchin’ you naked is wrong. It was wrong at that party, and it was wrong today, when I texted you that photo while I was Skypin’ with Robert—”
“You’re making yourself sound like an old man wearing a raincoat and flashing innocent bystanders on the street. You’re not, Grace. You’re a beautiful woman with a healthy sex drive and you’re not afraid to explore it. At least, not when you trust yourself and the man you’re with.”
A sob caught in her throat and his chest ached with her pain.
“Why can’t I get turned on in bed, with candlelight and a great guy? Why do I need a clit ring and pole dancing and blowin’ you in the car where people on the road can see I have a cock in my mouth? Why do I need kink? Why can’t I be normal?”
There. There was her truth. She didn’t think she was normal. Because of how hard it was for her to orgasm with a man and because of what it took to get her close. This was about
her wanting to have a baby so she wouldn’t be alone, yes, but also so she could be normal. This was about her not realizing how fucking amazing she was. How beautiful her sexuality was. He pulled her in tight and let her silently sob until the soft cotton of his button-down shirt lay damp against his chest.
“Don’t let someone like Logan Cooper have that kind of power over you. You’ve got to be proud of who you are and own it.”
She nodded, then pulled back slightly to look at him. “Do you believe that about yourself or just about others?”
“What?”
“Do you love bein’ a performer so much that it’s worth givin’ up havin’ a dog like Houdini?”
He frowned and released her. “I enjoy being a performer. And I have responsibilities to the crew and my family. I have an intense lifestyle that doesn’t make having a dog practical.”
“That’s not what I asked. Do you love your job enough that it’s worth the sacrifices you’re makin’?”
“What other sacrifices are you talking about?”
“You tell me.”
“I would, but there aren’t any. This is the life I want. I only have to worry about myself. I get to do what I want. With who I want. For how long I want. Then when I’m ready to move on, I do. Can’t get much better than that.”
She closed her eyes, as if his words landed a physical blow. “That doesn’t sound like someone who wants to be a parent someday.”
“When the time is right for me to be a parent, I’ll know. It’s not now and I’m not going to rush things just to prove I can be a good parent or have a wonderful family someday.”
“So you think that’s what I’m doin’?” She stood, distancing herself further. At that moment, that’s what he wanted too.
“You already know it is, Grace.”
“Thank you for being so sweet but I think you should leave. Like I said, I’m not really in the mood for sex. And that goes double now.”
He clenched his teeth in frustration. “I’m sorry, Grace. I didn’t mean to make you feel worse.”
“I butted into your business when I have no right to. We’re not even friends. We’re just fuck buddies, and ones with an upcomin’ expiration date.”
He froze. “We’re not friends?”
“Well…”
He got to his feet. “I guess I was thinking differently.” He strode toward the door but turned to her before opening it. “I consider you my friend, Grace, and I was hoping that would continue past this week. I wasn’t lying when I said you were amazing. Everything about you is special. When you find the right guy, making love in a bed with candlelight will do it for you. You just have to believe it will happen.” He opened the door, pausing when she called his name.
“I think you’re special, too. I didn’t mean to imply you aren’t.”
His mouth twisted bitterly. “No matter how special you think I am, you don’t even consider us friends.”
“I misspoke—”
She hadn’t. She’d spoken the truth. Her truth. “That’s understandable. You’re tired. And frankly, so am I. So tired I think I could sleep for years.”
“Stay, Max. We don’t have to have sex. You said we could sleep together. Let’s talk first and then—”
She looked so upset he couldn’t help himself. He strode back to her and tipped her chin up with the touch of a finger. Gently, he gave her a soft. “It’s okay, Dixie. Just get some sleep.”
“Did Max Dalton just tell the woman he’s vowed to give an orgasm to in every way possible to go to sleep?” She tried to joke, but it was clear from her expression she still felt bad for saying they weren’t friends.
The truth hurt, right?
She hammered in the lesson Nancy Morrison taught him long ago. He wanted to give her space and comfort; she thought he was all about sex.
“Like I said, get some rest, Grace. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He left. But when he did, he leaned back against the closed door. It was several minutes before he felt capable of moving. And several minutes after that before he knew what he needed to do.
***
The next day, Melina called. After reassuring Grace she was fine and she’d enjoyed a wonderful day with Rhys, she asked Grace to come over. Since Grace hadn’t heard from Max and he hadn’t returned her calls or texts, Grace jumped at the chance. Now she was sitting on Melina’s couch, carefully folding freshly laundered onesies. So tiny, so soft… just the sight and touch of the little pieces of baby clothes made her insides tug with longing.
Her biological clock was ticking all right.
And at the same time, every time she thought of Max, she either felt aroused or guilty. Or aroused and guilty. She’d hurt his feelings last night when she’d said they weren’t friends. But didn’t he realize no sane single woman would want to be just friends, unless, like Melina, she had a dream man of her own that looked exactly like him?
“Have you heard anything from the university about Logan’s complaint?” Melina asked.
Grace hesitated, feeling drained by all the drama the topic already caused last night. “The ethics committee hasn’t made a rulin’ yet.”
“And you’re sure, even once you have the baby, you don’t want to go back to work? Perhaps take an extended leave of absence rather than give up your job altogether?”
Melina’s words caused a jolt to go through her. She’d referred to “the baby” as if he or she was a foregone conclusion, which was her tacit way of telling Grace she was going to support her in her plan. She smiled at her friend and blinked back the sting of tears in her eyes.
Melina covered Grace’s hand with one of her own. “You’ve always supported Lucy and I, no matter what we were pursuing. I’m going to do the same for you. And I’m excited our babies will only be a year or two behind one another. I just wish…”
“What?”
“I just wish I knew you were going to be happy in your love life, too. But you’re right. It’ll come. And who knows, the right man might be under your nose already.”
Which was Melina’s subtle way of prodding her for information about Max. Not that she knew what Grace and had been doing. Max had promised to keep what they were doing a secret and she trusted him to do that. But Melina wasn’t stupid. She knew Max tracked Grace down at that bar two nights ago and that immediately afterward Grace had extended her trip. Melina wasn’t going to pressure Grace for information, but she was clearly jonesing for her friend and brother-in-law to get together, as in fall in love, not just have sex.
For a moment, Grace opened herself to the fantasy of being in a committed relationship with Max. Of having a child with him. A child who would love her from day one. The latter, at least, was possible.
A child she wouldn’t have to fear would get bored with her and leave, or make every day a dream come true only to die…
She mentally winced. She knew what her thoughts meant. That she was a coward. But they also made her practical.
If her parents hadn’t waited so long to have her, they could have watched her in dance recitals in grade school. Celebrated with her at her high school and college graduations. Been there to hold her and let her cry with her first heartbreak.
But time had cost not just them, but her all those opportunities. All those years she could have loved and been loved in return.
She didn’t want to make the same mistake her mama and daddy had—holding back on having a child until age compromised everything. Now was the time. The time to build her own family, no matter what form it took.
She looked at Melina’s round belly, then stroked the pile of baby clothes next to her. Robert What’s-his-Name had been a dud but the agency promised other candidates. Hopefully not all the men interested would be as sanctimonious.
A sudden gasp from Melina made Grace whip her head around. Her friend stood in the middle of the living room, one hand clutched tight to her belly, the other gripping the back of a chair. Her eyes were closed and she wore an intense grimace.
Grace’s heart stuttered against her ribs. She stood and rushed to Melina. “Oh, God. Are you in labor?”
“I can’t be,” Melina said, eyes still closed. “I’m not due for another two months. It’s probably just false labor.”
“Here, let me help you to the couch.” Grace slid her hand under Melina’s elbow and guided her to where she’d just been sitting.
Almost ten minutes after that, Melina gasped again, and this time her face went white. Her gasp was followed by a guttural growl.
When she’d calmed, Grace called the hospital and explained what was happening. The nurse told her to come in if the contractions continued.
“I’m sure I’m fine. My water hasn’t broken,” Melina said. Another contraction took her. Then another. She let out a loud groan and screwed her eyes shut.
“I’m takin’ you to the hospital. Now.” Grace found her purse and pulled out her phone.
“Braxton Hicks. I’m sure that’s what this is. But maybe it’s time to call Rhys.” Melina was pale, her expression scared.
Finally! She’d wanted to call Rhys twenty minutes ago but Melina had refused. With shaking hands, she flipped to Rhys’s cell number and hit dial. After four rings, the call went to voicemail. She left a brief message that she was taking his wife to the hospital because of what could be preterm labor.
Thirty minutes later, Grace paced next to Melina, who lay in a hospital bed, covered in monitoring equipment. They still hadn’t heard from Rhys. The equipment showed the babies were fine, but the doctor hadn’t said whether this was false labor or premature contractions.
“Are you sure you don’t know where your husband is?” Grace asked, forcing tension from her voice. No sense in freaking out an already slightly freaked Melina. She sat next to her friend, stroking her arm in what she hoped was a reassuring manner.
“He had an appointment, that’s all I know.”
Melina gasped in pain again. Grace swept her gaze to the monitors—another contraction.
