by Yessi Smith
The first show I saw was incredible. While Adam and Ricky aren’t getting along off the stage, on it their chemistry is evident. The whole band works together in perfect synchrony, even the drummer. Adam’s voice is what resonates the most with me. When he sings, electricity flows through my veins until I’m sure I’ll implode. I’m pretty sure that’s how the majority of his female fan base feel as well.
I want to touch him; I want his fingers on my skin. I want to feel his breath on me seconds before our lips touch. At night, when I’m lying in bed with Josie by my side, all this wanting leaves me breathless and achy. I can’t even blame it on Josh, because while I loved, no, love him, our attraction wasn’t anything like this. Not that Adam has actually given me any signs that he’s attracted to me or sees me as anything but a friend or Josie’s mom.
It’s only been five days since I left the hospital, but it feels like five years. I don’t miss it or the nurses as much as I thought I would. I thought I’d be a wreck after meeting the new drummer for the first time, but he doesn’t resemble Josh in the least. He’s an island of weirdness all his own. Adam has stayed by my side, rubbing his thumb over the back of my hand rhythmically so that my heart has no other choice but to beat steadily in my chest.
Amber and him are keeping their relationship behind closed doors, and I’m grateful for that. Being attracted to Adam is foreign to me, and I don’t want that attraction to hurt what we have. He’s been so good to me. I guess he always was, but I never saw it. He was always Josh’s best friend and I was Josh’s girl. After Josh passed, I honestly thought Adam would eventually break his ties with me after he felt his commitment was done. And now, here I am, on tour with my baby girl and her dad who I’m falling for while he’s screwing the nanny. If this isn’t novel-worthy material I don’t know what is.
The band left Seattle earlier, but Hayley and I stayed back with Josie for a couple of days so we could go on a whale watching tour. It’s something I’ve never done before, and the followers on my blog insisted I had to try it. Who am I to deny them of a story and pictures of something I so badly want to do?
There aren’t very many people on the boat with us, which is actually great, because Hayley has been running from bow to stern like a Jack Russell Terrier on speed. Aside from aquariums, neither one of us has ever seen a whale. It’s exciting to think we’ll actually see them outside of the man-made prisons, doing what comes natural to them instead of performing tricks like a well-trained pet. I’d probably be running along beside her if I wasn’t carrying Josie.
The captain comes on over the speakers, letting us know that a pod has been spotted coming towards our boat. I feel my heart pulse all over my body as the captain puts the boat in neutral.
“We’re gonna see whales!” Hayley grips my arm and squeezes tighter. “Real live whales!”
I laugh at her. I guess the aquariums she’s been to only showcases dead whales.
I unknowingly hold my breath as I look over the side of the boat with Josie securely tucked in my arms. We’re gonna see real live whales!
“Take a picture,” I instruct Hayley, handing her my phone as I adjust Josie so her face is in the picture as well. I smile for the picture and for myself. I’m happy. It feels good to be happy, and I want to memorialize this moment.
I take the phone back from Hayley and send the picture to Adam with a quick text, “The whales are coming!”
“Now all of us,” Hayley demands. She holds the phone in front of us so that I can see my hair flying everywhere. I go to tame it, but Hayley holds my hand down and kisses me on the cheek for the picture. “We’re framing this.” She shows me the picture – Josie is facing the camera but is asleep, I’m smiling a smile so big I’d make the Joker jealous, and Hayley is kissing my cheek, but her eyes are staring right at the camera.
“Definitely framing this,” I agree.
The few people that are on the boat start to get excited, so we turn our attention back on the whales that are getting closer to us. I grab onto Hayley’s hand, who is jumping in place beside me, and we watch in awe as these beautiful creatures approach us. I don’t believe in miracles. I don’t believe in God. But seeing these killer whales, watching them, listening to them out here in the wild, makes me want to believe. At least that’s a start of some sort.
That night Hayley and I stay in our hotel room and have pizza, beer and chocolate for dinner. I lie on the floor with Josie on my lap as we play together with her toys. She’s a smart, happy girl, and I love to watch her try to figure things out.
I flip her over so that she is lying on me, and for the first time I notice how my once happy voluptuous playthings now dangle over the side of my body. My boobs are deflated, what the hell? I look over at Josie who is drooling onto my shirt.
“You did this to me,” I tell her and she laughs. It took her a couple days for her to get fully accustomed to me and not fuss when I took her away from Adam, but I think she likes me now. When I told Adam I wanted to stay back with her for a couple days, I expected him to give me a hard time since I had just gained my freedom from the psych ward, but he didn’t even bat an eye. His faith in me is pretty remarkable.
“What’d she do?” Hayley asks from the couch above me.
“My boobs.” I squeeze them from outside my shirt and jiggle them for Hayley. “They’re destroyed.”
“They are not,” she laughs and joins me on the floor so she can see for herself. “Oh my God, Dee! They’re like lifeless whoopie cushions.”
I slap her hand away and she throws herself on the floor, laughing until her sides hurt.
“I hate you,” I tell her and shove my foot in her face.
“Do you know what you need?”
“A new best friend?”
“No, asshole. Your current best friend kicks ass. You need implants.”
“Yeah,” I snort. “You’re the first one to touch me in ages.”
“Who says you gotta get implants for anyone but yourself? Besides, if you really wanted, I’d bet good money Adam would be happy to play with them.”
“Adam?”
“You know, that really hot guy with the great hair who’s just about the sweetest thing ever? That Adam.”
“He’s not interested.”
“But you are?”
“No,” I answer quickly.
I’m not surprised when my phone rings and Adam’s name flashes on the screen. Of course he’d call me when we’re talking about him.
“Shut your mouth,” I warn before I answer the phone, and she motions as if she were zipping her mouth closed. “Hey.”
“Hey back,” he replies, and I can hear the grin in his voice. “Did my girls have fun?”
“Sure did. I mean, Josie slept through most of the good stuff, but I’m sure the memory’s embedded in there somewhere.”
“She’ll be talking about it for years,” he chuckles. “Gimme a second,” he says, his voice a bit muffled.
“What’s going on?” I pick Josie up and put her down on her mat so she’s not lying directly on the floor.
“Amber and I are getting ready to go to a movie.”
“Oh.” Just hearing him say her name sends me into a fit of jealousy. “Well, have fun.”
“First I wanted to ask you something.” He takes a deep breath and hesitates.
“Whatever it is, Adam, I’m fine.” I swear if it has anything to do with that bitch, I’ll cut her.
“I wanna release Love, Always soon, which means I’ll start playing it at shows.”
“Yeah, okay.” My heart slams in my chest, demanding a way out. “It’s your song, you can do what you want with it.”
“Not if it hurts you, sweetie.”
“Words can’t hurt me,” I lie. “I’m good.”
“Yeah, well, I should go then.”
“I’m fine, Adam,” I laugh, picturing him running his fingers nervously through his hair. “I miss you though.” My heart stops. Literally, it stops beating as I wait for a res
ponse.
“I miss you too, sweetie,” he says, melting my healing heart. “Tell my girl I miss her too.”
“Tell her yourself.” I smile as I put him on speaker. I’m so stupid to have thought, even for a second, that he actually missed me or thought of me the same way I think of him.
I listen to Josie babble to her dad as if she were carrying on a conversation. I guess she is – if only I were privy to her language.
“I miss you,” Hayley mouths and sends me air kisses, so I shove my foot in her face once again. I seriously do need a new best friend.
Oregon is cold, much colder than anywhere else we’ve traveled to. My nipples are in full-on retaliation mode, and I’m just waiting for them to jump off my chest and desert me. I have Josie so bundled that all you can see of her are her eyes. Amber didn’t agree with me about covering her so much, but seriously, that red headed bitch can mind her own damn business. I’m the mom here.
It makes sense that someone named Amber would have naturally dark red hair. And eyes so blue you could probably see right through them. Her skin is pale, but in a feminine, fair maiden type of way. I see the way men look at her and know I don’t stand a chance competing with her. Not that I want to.
Adam is gonna perform Love, Always tonight, and my stomach is turned upside down. It’s been two hundred and eighty-three days since I lost Josh, and while I no longer think about him every day, he’s still a part of my existence. I’ve listened to the song, read the words countless times so that it cannot affect me when Adam takes the stage. I know it will, because there’s no preparing for something like this.
Adam gives me the cue to let me know when he’s going to start the song and I watch him with Josie close to my chest. He keeps his eyes on me rather than the crowd in front of him. I feel Amber try to take Josie away from me, but I shake my head at her. She shrugs and walks away, never noticing that Adam is fixated on me. My cheeks grow warm as tears flow down them.
Is he singing to me?
Four words slipped from my lips
Changing our existence
I love you.
Always.
The chorus hits me, and I’m not sure I can breathe. Adam said he helped Josh write these lyrics. Are those words still meant for me?
While Ricky continues to play the guitar, Adam makes his way off the stage towards me.
“You okay?” he asks, holding my shivering body.
“Yeah.” I nod my head against his frame.
“I have to go back out there.”
“Yeah. Of course.”
He takes Josie from my hands and signals for the instruments to be shut off so they don’t hurt her ears. Her pediatrician suggested we put ear plugs in her ears to prevent damage, but Adam is a bit protective of her.
“This here,” he says, holding Josie towards the audience, “is my baby girl. The only woman who has my heart.”
The girls in the audience scream, loving a man devoted to his daughter. It’s beautiful to watch. Josie is the luckiest girl out there and she doesn’t even know it.
“Josie isn’t the only girl for him.” Amber smirks beside me.
“You better treat him right,” I warn her, and she smiles back at me with a cocky gleam in her eyes.
“Like you’ve room to talk,” she counters, rolling her eyes dramatically at me.
I can’t stand the sight of her and don’t know what the hell she’s talking about, but I don’t have time to ask her, because Adam is quickly back by my side, handing Josie to me.
“Thanks.” He kisses my forehead. “I really needed to have you here for that.”
I grab his arm before he can go back on stage. “Are you okay? You know, after…” I trail off.
“Yeah, sweetie.” He pulls me into a strong embrace, and his familiar scent mixed with sweat overtakes me until he is all that I smell.
“Let’s go, man,” I hear Ricky call Adam back to the stage.
Adam gives me a quick kiss on my forehead before he heads back. I smile back at Ricky apologetically, but stop when I see him glaring at me.
“Do you even see what you’re doing to them?” Amber asks with disgust in her voice.
“Why are you even talking to me?” I push past her, trying to grasp onto a bit of bravery as my legs shake beneath me.
“You’re selfish. Everything you do is for yourself, and you never worry about who you’re tearing apart.”
“I’m not tearing anyone apart.”
Amber grabs my arm, stopping my exit, so I swing back around wildly until I am facing her directly.
“Don’t touch me,” I warn her as Josie beings to cry in my arms. “Don’t you ever touch me again.”
“Or what, Princess?” she mocks me, and I walk away, leaving the threat in the air. Or what indeed.
I wait for Adam in his dressing room, patting Josie’s back as Amber’s words float through my mind. Am I really coming between them? I settle Josie down in her stroller as I pace the room and only stop when the door abruptly opens.
“What the fuck is your deal?” Ricky demands as he grabs my arms.
I stiffen my spine and stare directly at him, unwilling to flinch no matter how much he’s hurting me. “Get your hands off of me,” I say calmly and smile sweetly back at him.
“He left in the middle of the song.” Ricky’s voice bounces off the walls until I feel it vibrate inside of me.
“I didn’t ask Adam—”
“You don’t have to ask! You just put on your little fucking theatrics and—”
“Enough!” Gavin, the new drummer peels Ricky’s fingers off my arm and spins him around so that they are looking at each other. They continue to stare at each other when Adam comes in.
“What’s going on?” He sounds tired, and I hate to see Amber’s arm around his waist.
“She doesn’t belong here,” Ricky says before leaving. He never looks in my direction but I’m pretty sure I’m the she he was talking about.
“Maybe I should go,” I tell Adam as Amber and Gavin leave. I should really go after Gavin and thank him for intervening. “I don’t wanna cause trouble between—”
“Sweetie,” Adam interrupts. “You are trouble.”
“That doesn’t make me feel any better,” I tell him, fighting back a smile.
“Remember the time you ran into a stop sign and you convinced me and Josh to steal the sign? Trouble.”
I put my hands on my hips and stare at him through slitted eyes. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t stealing the sign your idea?”
“I thought you deserved a memento for knocking over your first sign.”
“You’re the trouble,” I laugh.
“You belong here, Dee. You can’t leave me.”
I sigh, because I really don’t want to leave, but I don’t want to cause trouble. Because I’m trouble, remember? I smile back at him and take his hand with my own. “You want me to stay?” I ask with my heart pounding in my ears.
“Of course.”
“Do you want me to stay with you? Not Josh’s girl or Josie’s mom, but me?”
Understanding crosses his eyes and his face grows sober. I was wrong; the song is no longer meant for me. He was just looking out for his best friend’s girl.
He pulls me towards him, and our chests are pressed against each other as he lowers his face to mine. I feel his breath on my skin and my body aches for him. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer to me until our lips connect. Electricity pulses throughout my entire body until I’m sure I’m in flames.
I run my fingers down his neck and caress his upper arm. I’m much too aware that aside from our lips, he has barely touched me.
“Do you want me, Adam?” I look up at his face and watch as his eyes darken with desire.
“I’ve only ever wanted you.”
He cups the back of my head and feeds on my lips as if I were a lifeline. He’s only ever wanted me. His words fill me, making me feel whole.
I want to feel h
im, his skin beneath my fingertips and the taste of him in my mouth. I lift his shirt and he helps himself out of it. I push him back until he’s sitting on the couch, and he takes me with him.
“You’re mine,” he tells me before he lifts my shirt and expertly removes my bra.
“Done this often?” I ask, arching my eyebrows in question.
“Once or twice.” He twirls my bra on his finger before flinging it to the side.
He cups my breasts in his hand and flicks my already hard nipples. This is happening. I’m gonna have sex with Adam. I wrap my legs around his waist and arch my back as he continues to circle his thumb around my nipples. My body aches for him so bad I think I might drown in the wanting and needing. I lower my lips to his neck and kiss him as his hands wrap around my back, rubbing his palms up and down.
Adam lifts me gently and lowers me to the couch so that I’m lying across it. My eyes stay trained on him as he unbuttons my jeans and removes them. He bends down and kisses my lips before removing his own pants. I feel my eyes widen when I see the length of him for the first time. He’s gonna rip me a new damn hole.
He smiles back at me warmly when he sees my reaction and glides his fingers down until he is stroking my clit. I buck in response and laugh nervously when he puts his fingers to his lips. The sight of him licking his lips undoes me, and I pull him towards me, needing to taste him, myself, both of us together. He slips his tongue into my mouth and I murmur his name softly.
With our lips connected and our tongues entangled, he thrusts inside of me and I gasp. It’s been so long since I’ve been with someone, but it’s not just someone that I wanted, but Adam that I needed. I move with him, matching his tempo and thrust with my own. He pulls his head back and watches me, his eyes never leaving mine. I feel exposed, vulnerable, and alive. The rest of the world melts away until all I can hear and see is Adam; my sweet, sturdy Adam.
With my fingers digging into his shoulders, I watch the sweat build on his forehead and can’t help the satisfaction I feel over it. I reach down, wanting to see his eyes change as I play with his balls with my fingers.
