Triumph Over Tears

by Nava Chernoff

  Shani and Yarden were very upset. So was I. When Tom came from work and found three frowning faces he decided to cheer the kids and took them to buy another set of rats. They returned home with two albino ferrets. Slinky and Frost. I asked to be titled “The Zoo Keeper.” We had to make “safe rooms” for Slinky and Frost, so they would not run all over the house and get in a place where they could not be found.

  Tuti, Thunder, Lightning, Slinky, and Frost. Quite a Zoo!

  At the end of summer 2010, I heard a cat crying next to our front door. It was not Tuti. She had a cat door, and she knew how to use it. When I went outside, something ran into the bushes, and I could not see it. I decided to put cat food out for it. Eventually, it showed up, “drank” the food, then puked the food. It had no fur on it and was covered with scabs. I continued to put food outside for the male cat, every day at 6:00 PM for months. As the winter got closer and the days got colder I started to worry about him being outside. At first, I sat still when he came to eat. By that time he knew my voice. I would call him to eat. I couldn’t move. He would get scared and take off. After a while, I managed to apply tick and flea medication on his neck. I couldn’t let him in without making sure that problem was solved. After all, I had enough furry friends inside. After almost four months the black cat, who we named Blackberry, let me touch him. Eventually, he walked into the house and never left.

  I was so excited about my accomplishment. The kids were proud of having another pet. That wasn’t the case with Tom. When he walked home, the kids jumped on him and said “Blackberry came in.” Tom looked at me and said “No more animals, no more animals.”

  Tuti, Thunder, Lightning, Slinky, Frost, and Blackberry. I thought the Zoo complete.

  Dean, Tom’s son, had a few parrots. He always said he would give one to Tom. In one of our visits to Dean, Jill, and the kids, Dean saw Tom petting Anna and asked Tom if he would like to have her. I was playing with the kids on the floor when Tom called me. He said “Dean asked if I would like to have Anna because he is biting everyone else but me. What do you think?”. My answer was Tom’s announcement “No more animal, no more animals.”

  “Anna is a Double Yellow Headed Amazon,” Dean said. “We think Anna is a female. She is about eight years old, does not like men.” He forgot to mention that Anna hates men with a passion. He showed me how to clip Anna’s wings. I never repeated what he did. Because Anna hates men, she would bite Dean. He used welding gloves to handle her. No wonder Anna hates men! I could not find peace of mind not knowing the gender of Anna. A simple trip to the vet would solve it, I wrongly thought.

  The vet said, “I am almost positive she is a female.”

  “If you will do a DNA test, we will know for sure?”.

  “Yes.”

  “Then do it please.”

  The results returned. Anna is a he.

  Tuti, Thunder, Lightning, Slinky, Frost, Blackberry and Anna

  When Tom got diagnosed with Cancer, and the doctor heard about all the animals we had, he strongly suggested that we “get rid of the rodents.” I eventually found a home for them with one of the pet store workers. She received Slinky, Frost cage, food, toys, and part of our heart.

  After Shani and I moved to Joe’s apartment, Tuti was annoyed by anything. She did not eat well and lost her weight rather quickly. I scheduled an appointment with the vet. The reason was that I thought it was old age pain. I requested painkillers for her. Joe and I drove with her together to the vet. It was kidney failure. The vet said she would not last much longer, days to be exact. I was caught off guard and had to make a decision, whether to take her home and watch her suffering for a few days and die, or put her to sleep forever. I opted for the second. Unlike Kim, I decided to stay with Tuti, keep her company until the end. She was my baby cat. I petted Tuti while the vet injected the first shot, to put her to sleep. She was calm, relaxed and purred. She was asleep. When the second shot was given, she did not look like she was suffering. I cried and cried and cried for days. I was losing everything. How would I triumph over my tears?

  At the time of this writing, it is April 2018. Thunder is sixteen years and four months. He is active, still chasing the deer. If we leave a cracked door, he will take off. He is a true “Labeagle.”

  Lightning is fourteen and four months. Her hip started to give in. She is not as active. We started steroids which seems to help. I am praying that she will get better. Realistically I know that it is not going to happen.

  Blackberry is twelve. He has a feline tooth disease. He recently underwent oral surgery. The next day he was eating and hunting, an indicator that he is doing great.

  Anna is fourteen. For parrots he is a teenager, they live to be 70. After the DNA test, we kept his name “Anna” because of the bird answers to his name. No wonder he has a man complex. Anna is saying many words. Shani and I believe he is a loving bird. Of course, no man in this household would ever admit it. Anna tried to bite all of them, Yarden, Joe and Joe’s sons. I trained Anna to open his wings on command. At the end of the clipping, he gets a treat. I built him a tree house. In the summer when I am working outside, he is enjoying the outdoors.

  I believe with all my heart that when you have a pet, you should treat them as part of the family. They are not to be disposed of when it’s challenging. Before you take a dog in your house, think about it. Can you at that point commit to 16 years of caring? If not, do not have one. They have heart and soul. I saw Thunder and Lightening cry when they witnessed me donating a box of Tom’s clothes. Their emotion was overwhelming to me. Just as I am, my feelings will be when I lose them. My tears will flow, probably for days. Like every loss, I have endured in my life. However, I will triumph over those tears.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  PICKING UP THE PIECES

  With junior year almost over, Shani missed major tests due to staying at home for the Shiva, recovering after Tom’s death. Shiva is the week-long mourning period in Judaism for first-degree relatives: father, mother, son, daughter, brother, sister, and spouse. Her grades dropped. When I contacted school, I was told that this is the system and if she cannot catch up, they cannot adjust. They did not give her the time to study and get tested for what she missed. All of this resulted in a lower GPA. Instead of being a high honor student, as she was in 10th grade, she dropped to honor student. It was not enough for her to get accepted to colleges that were her first choice. Needless to say, I was not too happy with school. But Shani and I had a much more significant problem to solve. We just decided to let it go and figure out college at a later time. After the shiva Shani said “I want to quit rhythmic”. I just looked at her and said “It is not the time to make this decision. If you still want to quit in a month from now then you can”. Her answer to me with tears rolling down “I can’t dance without dad”. “Shani” I said “dad is with us forever. Please don’t quit yet, give yourself a little bit of time” I hugged her and we both cried.

  Coach Kamelia, Mrs. Jewart and her team did not let her quit. They supported her in any way they could. My little hero graduated the rhythmic program as a senior.

  Yarden finished his duty in the IDF. Upon his return home, he found a job. Although he did well, was respected, and promoted fast, he hated it. “Yarden, you are too young to go through life punching a clock for a job that you hate. Follow your passion, find something that you really love, follow your bliss” I said one morning when he left for work. Shortly after, Yarden announced that he is going back to the army, the U.S Army!.

  After completing his basic training at Fort Benning, Georgia, Yarden is now stationed in Hawaii. The training, discipline, and education he has experienced in both the Israeli and U.S armies has been the perfect complement to prepare him for his life’s work.

  Yarden matured and developed to be just what his dad and I expected him to be. A caring, grown, responsible man. I could not be prouder of him.

  We are all so pleased that Yarden has recently announced his engageme
nt to a beautiful, intelligent young woman he met while in Israel

  As I watch Yarden and Shani grow to be amazing human beings, I have no words to describe the enormous pride and joy that pounds in my chest, knowing what they had to overcome. The three of us lost Tom. We lost our world with his death. I realized that they were falling into greater sorrow because of my pain. They not only lost their dad, but they were watching me waste away. I blended days and nights, walked around the house, lost, with no purpose, no sleep, and very little food. I made a decision for the sake of my children, as hard as it was, to hop back on my feet and continue life as Tom would want me to do. Tom, with his “Peter Pan” syndrome, would never have allowed us to stop our lives because we lost him.

  Although life will never be the same, we learned, and still are learning, to move forward. I encourage Yarden and Shani to grow, to develop, to follow their passion and heart. When financial humps come along, I do my best to assure them that everything will work out and to never stop what they are doing because of concerns for money. They are not young kids. They know what has happened. Endless times I repeated the words, “It’s just things, I can do without.” “Our memories forever will be with us.” “Home is where we live.” Eventually, when I could not hold onto our home any longer, I sold it and most everything that was in it. My children watched me make one decision after another, to solve one problem at a time.

  Two weeks after Tom passed I met with his business partner and the accountant. My purpose of requesting this meeting was to receive Tom’s 2013 income so I could do Tom’s tax return. I received partial information and was told I would receive the rest in a few days. As I walked out I was told by the partner to empty Tom’s office. I said I will do so in a few weeks when I am ready. The reply I received stunned me ”You do it now, empty his office today. There’s no need for you to return”. I said I have a crossover (car) I can not empty his office”. He just said “today” and left.

  A few weeks later I received a promissory note, stating what my share of the business will be. The contract between Tom and the partner said “At the end of the year of separation” . It was not the time yet to send me the note. I requested the books and papers to support the promissory note which looked too low to me. I received no reply to my request, only a very small amount on a written check. I did not cash the check and requested to see the books. I received no answers to my requests. I learned very quickly that the partner was not going to communicate nor pay me the 50% of my shares. We were living in nearly 5000 square feet, with a large yard, with no income. It was a major concern that my share of the company was not forthcoming. I had a real concern. I knew I could not afford to stay in our home. On the other hand I had Shani finishing junior year. After all she had been through I had no desire to move her when she was that close to graduation. I started to work, but my income was not even close to covering all the bills. The little bit of savings that I had was going fast.

  After Tom passed I sorted all our belongings and documents, I called my friend and asked him to take Seanry to a mechanic at a Route 8 garage. Dan was gracious and was willing to work on Seanry’s engine while I watched and learned. We were pleased to learn that only the carburetor needed to be replaced. With Dan’s instruction, I replaced the part. For the first time, I heard Seanry’s engine. All I could think of is why Tom left before he could hear it. When I sold the house, I was debating whether to sell Seanry. I packed in boxes. I figured I would get nothing for him. I better keep him and work on him when I am settled. Seanry sat in storage for over a year. After I moved to my “then ugly, now beautiful” home, I brought Seanry home with the hopes that I can put him back together. The chase after life prevented me from working on Seanry. It makes me sad every time I go to the garage and see him stripped, surrounded by boxes. I do have all his parts. Last year on my birthday my wish was to have Seanry running by my next birthday. My next birthday arrived and is gone. My Seanry is still in boxes.

  Tom never expressed that he would like to be buried in a traditional ceremony. He just inquired about it. I could not tell if he changed his heart regarding cremation. Consulting Dean, Tom’s son from a previous marriage, Yarden and Shani, they all said to me that it is up to me and they would respect and agree with whatever I chose. I was gravitated to cremation but remembered a clue from Shani when she said it would be nice to have a place to go to see Tom. I had to make up my mind, within a few hours. In the Jewish tradition, the burial takes place the same day. Tom was cremated. Half of his ashes went into a salt urn and the other half into a carbon urn. He was buried in the Jewish section of a cemetery, with his remaining ashes spread as directed.

  On Tom’s birthday, August 1st, Shani and I went on a cruise with Tom (in a salt urn). It was Tom’s wish that his ashes be spread in the Caribbean sea. We did what he requested. Shani and I took a PADI course (scuba diving)on the ship. At the last minute we were told we cannot dive with the urn. It offended one of the divers. There is always a solution! Shani and I swam a little offshore and let the urn sink. As it hit the bottom the urn opened and some of the ashes dropped out. My salty tears blended with the blue water of Saint Maarten, Shani dove down to say her goodbye. When she surfaced she said “it started to dissolve” We swam back to the shore. Standing and looking into nothing it started to rain. Shani said “it's good luck”.

  Often when I visit Tom’s grave, there is a giant black dragonfly flying around his grave. I mentioned that to mom and Shani. I think they dismissed it, believing I would hold to any little gleam of hope that my Timothy is still around. Shani, who usually avoids visiting the grave, joined me one time. When we arrived, the black dragonfly was there, circled the grave a few times and flew away.

  I met Joe in the summer of 2014. We have a mutual friend who decided to put us together. After a few fruitless attempts to meet at our friend’s house for dinner, it looked like mission failed.

  I had a CLO subscription, and Tom’s favorite show on earth was coming to Pittsburgh, Evita. I did not want to go alone. I gave the tickets to dear friends of mine Meir and Orli. On Thursday, a day before the show, they decided that I should go to see Evita and returned the tickets. On Friday, the day of the show, I realized that it is a window of opportunity to shake the friend off my back and get rid of Joe. Two birds with one stone. I called my friend and asked for Joe’s number. I texted him and asked if he would like to see Evita with me that night, praying he would say no.

  “Shall I pick you up?”

  “No, thank you.”

  “Shall we go out for dinner?”

  “No, thank you.”

  "Glass of wine before the show?”

  “No thank you.” Before he had the chance to ask anything else I added “we will see if we have time after the show. I will meet you at the Benedum Center at 19:45”.

  I was 7 minutes late. By the time we introduced ourselves the show had started. Perfect. At the intermission, we had the chance to exchange a few words, and the show started again. Everything went as planned, until the show and the Pittsburgh Pirates game ended at the same time. There was a lot of traffic. Joe asked me if I would like to join him for a glass of wine. I had no good reason to refuse. I always park my car on the roof, 10th floor, and walk up after the show. With the traffic, I would have sat for a long time in my car. We had a wonderful time that evening with each of us being open and honest about our lives. He walked me to my car, and we continued to chat under a full moon. When I drove him to his car, I leaned over and gave him a quick kiss. The kind you give when you are blowing off your unwanted date! I thought no more about it till I arrived home and my nephew and Shani asked, “How was your date? It’s 2 AM!” Without much thought, I said, “He was nice, but I don’t see myself in bed with him.”

  I thought for sure I scared him off! Not the case! He ignored all the social cues. On Saturday I drove Shani to our family in North Carolina. Joe texted me in the morning and asked me to keep him updated as I drive. “I don’t
text and drive” I answered, which is the truth, thinking how do I get rid of him. “Let me know how you are doing when you take breaks”. I did,. It was actually really nice because after I drove 7 hours, I stayed half an hour and drove back home. Upon arrival in North Carolina, I texted Joe. “We have arrived, all is well.” Two hours later I gave him my break text. I didn’t realize that he did not know that I am returning immediately. Halfway through the drive back I was a little tired. It was nice to know that someone cared. Later, Joe asked me out for a picnic. We met on Tuesday, and absolutely every food I said I love in our Friday conversation was in the basket. For the first time, I thought “maybe he is a keeper.” How was I to know that every day since that picnic Joe and I have texted, or seen each other?

  In early autumn I sat with Shani and explained to her our situation in detail. We had 2 options. I was as honest as I could be. “The first" I said “is to stay at home until you graduate then give it to the bank. My calculations showed that I would be able to pay only a few more months. The second involved Joe, the close and trusted friend and companion I met in July. “Joe has offered for us to move in with him. We can sell the house, gain a few thousand dollars, and pay our bills, until I find a job. However, we will have a problem with that too. We can not take the dogs with us to Joe’s apartment.” I just told my daughter six months after she lost her dad, that we were going to be homeless and will need to give away the dogs (Thunder 12 & Lightning 10) who were a big part of our family. Shani asked about Tom’s business share. I told her “we cannot trust money that we don’t have in our possession.” “What do you think we should do?” Shani asked. I said, “Our home, as beautiful as it is, is only a thing. Our memories will forever be with us. I prefer to sell it than wait for the sheriff to throw us out”.