When Joe offered for Shani and me to move to his apartment until I sorted our situation, I was skeptical. Surely he wants something in return, I thought. One evening I saw and heard him at the dinner table with Shani, talking about the possibility of moving in with him. He was considerate of her needs as a female, young adult (he has 3 boys), going to be a high school senior, and just losing her dad. My heart filled with hope.
My mental strength, and the belief in my self, help me stay focused and productive. Although I had many men texting me daily to offer their help, I refused them all, believing that I can do it. I was hoping that Tom’s partner would come to his senses, not leave me homeless, with Shani at home and Yarden serving in the IDF. I worked in sales, but could not make ends meet. Finally, I recognized that I could not hold on to our home. I put it on the market for sale. Signing the listing was hard. After it was done, I was relieved and hopeful. In my mind, Shani and I would move to a small house, maybe even tiny, with what was left from the savings. When Joe was kind enough to offer his place as a temporary solution, in my mind, I already refused, but the words that came out were different. After not saying yes or no, and seeing Joe with Shani, my mind played tricks on me and I agreed to the move.
Joe, Shani and I were eating dinner when I told them that I agreed to move in with him. It was a somber moment for Shani and me. It was a moment of new reality, of saying goodbye to our home and our dogs. Knowing that when we move, I will share the bedroom with Joe, I had another concern. How will it be sharing a bedroom with a man other than Tom? It may have seemed very easy to those who were watching us from the outside. Some might have thought that we were already sharing a bed. As if Joe read my mind he held my hand to ensure me that everything will work out.
Two days after the decision to move, I spent the evening into the late night with Joe. As usual, he walked me to my car. I was about to give him his goodnight kiss, that is on the cheek, when lighter than a feather, he held me, the kind of hold that says “not tonight, this kiss will not be acceptable.” He leaned back on my car, held my waist and smiled, more like a grin. I gave him a kiss. “You can do better than that,” he said. Three months into our friendship/relationship we had our first kiss. Joe and I are now best friends, partners, and lovers. He is kind and gentle. The fundamental basis of our success is our mutual trust and respect. The fact that he knows and understands me allows him to give me the freedom and independence I need.
In December 2014, we sold the house, and with heavy heart gave the dogs to a friend with a farm in North Carolina. Shani did not pack a thing until late in our last day. Her room was the most difficult to pack as her dad’s photos and memories were everywhere. In the shelves on the wall, albums, gifts. Could our days be any darker?
Shani, Tuti, Blackberry, Anna and I moved to our new location, Joe’s apartment. At first, the dogs were on a friend’s farm in North Carolina. I never felt really settled, and the situation got worse when we returned the dogs back home from North Carolina.
I kept our routine as stable as possible. Every evening we sat around the table for dinner. Joe was the perfect picker-upper for Shani. The two could talk about anything. Psychology, astronomy, philosophy. I liked watching them. Shani was comfortable and natural in Joe’s presence. She seemed to finally settle. Graduation was coming close. After a few trips to colleges that had majors in Marine science Shani decided to attend Coastal Carolina University. Shani finally received the break she deserved. CCU is the perfect fit for her. In her freshman year Shani achieved social success. But the first semester was not easy academically. She flunked math. Shani said that college is a completely different way of studying than high school. She struggled, but she learned the new ways. My message was clear, “I am happy you are striving socially, but you are a student first. You are picking up your grades, or you are coming back to PA for in-state tuition”. Unlike me, being upfront and direct, Joe explained to her the wonder of success, and the importance of the balance between social life and academics. Between the two of us the message was clear. Second semester she made it to the Dean’s list.
After I gave the dogs to the family with the farm, Joe, Shani and I visited them. They became outdoor dogs. But they had each other, and they seemed to be happy. I cried again when we left them. I knew I could not have them in the apartment and was genuinely grateful for the family.
However, after revisiting them on the way to taking Shani to college, I discovered a significant cut under Lightning’s ear that was severely infected. Also, both dogs had fleas. We had to drive down to Conway as Joe’s car was filled with Shani’s back to college equipment. Shani was driving her car down. On the way down I said to Joe “I know I am not allowed to have the dogs in the apartment, but, I can’t leave them behind.” Joe felt trapped. If he would say “no," he knew it is was not going to convince me. He saw me trying to trim the hair and treat the cut when I said, “she needs stitches.” Also, he knew that it was against the policy. After all, it was his lease, not mine.
As we arrived at school, we emptied the car and told Shani that we are not staying to help. We are going back to pick up Thunder and Lightning and take them home. “I thought you couldn’t have them,” she said. “You know your mother” Joe answered.
We returned home with the dogs. We stopped often for them to stretch on the ten-hour drive. Joe fed them at every Arby’s he found on the way. Upon our arrival, I shampooed and treated them with flea and tick medication. The following morning, Lightning was handled by our Vet.
All of a sudden it sank in. I have five pets in an apartment that allows only two. Thunder and Lightning stayed in the garage, our cars parked outside. But the landlord was not happy. We were charged exorbitant pet fees. I felt uncomfortable every time I walked with them outside.
After a particularly beautiful walk with the dogs, on my arrival back home, I realized the dogs cannot stay in the garage all day. When I took them for a walk, I felt uncomfortable. Although we paid rent for them, the landlord was not happy. In general, I needed my freedom. I had a hard time adjusting to the fact that I needed to request permission from the landlord for any decorating changes I wanted to do.
I announced, “I am buying a house with a yard for the dogs.” “You are buying a house because of the dogs?” Joe asked. “Yes,” I answered.
At first, Joe did not take my announcement seriously that “I am buying a house with a yard for the dogs.” I started looking outside Fox Chapel school district. Shani and Yarden were not in school, and I did not want to pay higher taxes for no reason. I looked for a small house with a big yard, thinking to myself how much space does one person need. Upon returning home after a day of house hunting with Emily, Joe said
“You are really searching for a house!”
“Yes”
“Why so far away?”
“Because you don’t seem to recognize that I am serious. I have a minimal amount of savings, and I will not spend it on a zip code.”
Joe’s light bulb turned on, realizing the zoo, to whom he had become accustomed, and I, are moving out soon.
After lengthy discussions and compromise by both of us, we started our house hunting together.
Joe requested a property as large as possible, in Fox Chapel school district, with a master bedroom, and an office, on top of a mountain, with a clear view west for daily sunsets.
My request was to have a small home with as much land as possible.
If you ever traveled to Pittsburgh, you would notice that you can either get the land or the mountain. Finding both is almost impossible. Add limited money to the equation, and the chances are slim to none.
What we settled on was the ugliest, run down, out of code .75 acres of property, in Fox Chapel school district, on the top of the mountain, facing west, with a 180-degree panoramic view overlooking the city! Perfect!
Joe loved the view. I loved the yard. But the house was a problem. After visiting it twice, once in the day, the second at ni
ght, I told Joe that we will never find anything like it again. "I am buying the house” . Finally he learned that if I am saying something I mean it. A little panicked he said, “let’s have Jeffrey, a close friend, an attorney with knowledge about buying and selling properties, and Ann, another close friend, who is very artistic, visit the property. The four of us visited the property together. At first, I said “I have to open the door and windows to let air go through. Otherwise we will not be able to breath in there.” The mustard color wall to wall carpet stunk. They looked around the yard. Half of the brick siding was on the ground with the rest to follow. A partially built sunroom had a collapsing retaining wall. Bushes grew out of control. The backyard was beautiful and the view SPECTACULAR. Inside the house? There are no words to describe how bad it was. Absolutely everything was dated; yellow counter top, huge yellow flowered wallpaper in the kitchen. The upper part of the dining room had a different kind of yellowed wallpaper. The bottom part of the living room and dining room was outdated wood paneling. Mouse droppings were everywhere. Dated bathrooms. No boiler, water heater, electricity not to code with only 60 AMP. Later I learned that the sellers were not honest and did not disclose that every time there is a heavy rain, the basement flooded. A true disaster. After absorbing the situation, Jeffrey looked at Joe ONLY, clearly he did not know me well enough, while Ann and I stood next to them, and said “Don’t let her do it”. Hoping that Joe will influence me, Ann added, “I think it’s too big of a project, even for you”. They knew that I am planning to do most of the work by myself, with my own two hands.
After two years of totally renovating 2000 square feet, it looks nothing like the “thing” I purchased
I love our home, and so does everybody else.
Yarden and Shani watched me buy that old, ugly property, renovate it by myself at nights, to make a new home for us. They saw me working 3 jobs. I am a real estate agent, a marketing manager for a sports service, and a Lyft driver. It teaches them to not give up, even in the darkest days.
After being a part of the battle with cancer, and losing the war, my priorities changed. I now have a new perspective on life. It is hard to find happiness, and peace, when such a deep sorrow scarred my heart. I heard friends and family whom I KNOW cared for me saying “Move on,” “the pain will fade.” If your relationship with your partner is as strong as my relationship with Tom, it will not fade. You will, however, find a way to adjust. I have moved on in many ways, and Tom moved with me. I couldn’t suddenly just leave him behind. He is forever “dad” to our children. I learned to make decisions with the filter of his opinions. I learned to make executive decisions that are in the best interest of Yarden and Shani.
Sophomore year was a smoother ride when Shani started her involvement in school activities, adventure group, green team, and solar ambassador. Also a small change in major. “I am going to do environmental science,” she said. I tried to keep calm and asked how it is going to affect her Marine Science Major and sustainability certificate, and most importantly if that means she needs to add another year of school. Shani said that she would graduate on time in May 2019, that she is almost done with sustainability, she will continue her Marine science education as a minor, and add environmental science as a major. I was so proud, she figured it all out and scheduled her junior year accordingly. Shani had a blooming junior year. Shani is active and involved, as a student of Coastal Carolina University, Youth Coordinator, Georgetown RISE Co-Project Lead, and CCU Solar Ambassadors.
Winter break was around the corner when I received a phone call from Shani saying that she received the opportunity to do a photojournalism internship with Lesley Rochat in South Africa, over winter break. She obviously did not need my approval, rather my financial help. I told her to register, believing that we will make it happen. I am so proud of her, the passion she has to make our world a better place.
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Shani’s comments from South Africa
“Photography is about more than simply capturing an image. It’s about telling a story and allowing people to see the world through someone else’s eyes. Photography can educate people about issues they otherwise never would have known about. It can encourage sustainable changes to take place across the world. These images capture the atmosphere of Kalk Bay. These tired fishermen have been impacted by the effects of global warming first hand. Each year they have noticed a decrease in the amount and size of fish being caught. If we do not change our current practices they might not be able to sustain their families or even themselves”.
“This week I was fortunate to witness the release of 19 young rehabilitated African Penguins in Betty’s Bay South Africa. The day before the release I visited SANCCOB (South African Foundation for the Conservation of Coastal Birds) with my fellow interns to learn about how these amazing birds are being rehabilitated, or saved from fatal injuries. Many young birds are starving or abandoned by their parents for many reasons. A big one is the depletion of fish in the ocean. This species went from being one of the most abundant seabirds in South Africa (over two million birds in 1910) to being endangered with only 10 percent of the population left today.”
“Ecotourism is a very important industry for protecting our remaining wildlife. It’s defined as tourism directed towards exotic natural environments, intended to support conservation efforts and observation of wildlife. It can bring economic growth by increased tourism while teaching people how intelligent and important animals are, instead of killing and selling them for profit. I experienced ecotourism first hand this weekend when I jumped in the water with these energetic, young, playful seals. Instead of looking at them through a glass wall, I was able to experience their beautiful world under the sea”.
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Spring break, Shani spent on Colorado’s roofs as she traveled with her fellow CCU Solar Ambassadors to Denver, CO to install solar panels with GRID alternatives on low-income homes.
I learned that over summer break Shani is staying in South Carolina for an internship. It made me believe that if she continues her projects at this rate, the next time we meet will be May 2019 at her graduation. There are many other chapters to be written in Shani’s life. There is little doubt her majors will lead her to great success. Based on the challenges and obstacles she has had to overcome in her life, how could it be any other way.
Every morning, when I wake up, I think “it’s a great day,” just for the fact that I am alive and healthy. Life is beautiful! I get to see my children do what they love while following their bliss. What a blessing that is! I am with a wonderful man who loves me for who I am.
My 16 and 14-year-old dogs love me unconditionally. If I ever need to be cheered up, all I need to do is watch their wagging tails. I am strong. I can continue to work 3 jobs. I am grateful for Mother Earth who shows me that even the hardest, most challenging day comes to an end. The following morning is a new sunrise. I love nature and take the time to enjoy it. If you see a rainbow while driving on the highway, and a car blinking on the side of the road, it’s me! I will take the time to enjoy it. If you see a vehicle stopped by a homeless person, holding up traffic, SORRY, it’s me! Giving him or her a protein bar and taking the time to exchange a sentence. If you see a crazy woman crawling under a car, it’s probably me trying to rescue a stray cat. All the above is what life means to me.
I understand losing someone close is beyond painful, difficult and challenging, but you are not alone. Life is great.
Life is filled with adverse events, over which we have no control. However, they are forcing us to be part of them or even completely involved. I choose to deal with those events and solve the problems as they come.
My parents got divorced. Not my doing. But my siblings and I, those who got hurt, chose not to take a stand and love them both.
My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. I did what I could to be there for her. My dad passed away. No words to describe my pai
n and frustration of losing him just when our relationship started to open up, and we finally started to have real, in-depth conversations.
Tom was diagnosed with gastric cancer. As positive a person as I am this is the time I thought the sun would be forever gone. The evil and darkness would take over the world. I believe it was twice as hard. Tom believed with all his heart that he was going to win the fight (even when Dr. Kiran Kumar Rajasenan, an Angel from UPMC Hillman Cancer Center said “be prepared and put your life in order.”) Tom did not want to cancel future plans until it was too late. The list is long…
When I come across a negative and cynical individual, that is an entirely different animal. Even when they intentionally choose to hurt me, I make a point not to let them drain my battery. I make a conscious decision that they are not worth my energy. I was raped at a young age. If I would not let go and forgive, I feel that I would carry it with me for the rest of my life. That person already raped the innocence from me. No way I would let him and individuals like him, get the satisfaction of ruling my life. My feeling for Tom’s business partner is the same. He took our house away from us, literally left us homeless, with no income. I chose to pursue justice but refused to give him the satisfaction that our future is in his hands. I am frustrated, and my brain can not comprehend why a person would do such thing. But I don't hate him, and I will not let him drain me. As for now, four years after Tom passed, the matter has not been resolved. I am continuing to pursue justice.
Triumph Over Tears Page 12
