by Joseph Souza
Still, a man has his needs. Isn’t that what they always say? That a man will start looking elsewhere if he’s not getting his needs met at home. So I turned elsewhere. I’m ashamed to admit this. After moving my wife and kids three thousand miles away, I did the worst possible thing a husband could do. I broke my marriage vows. That I didn’t intend it to happen says nothing about my moral culpability. I screwed up and I make no excuse for my behavior.
For that reason, I can’t be totally honest with her.
I need to make sure that Leah never finds out....
That the girl I had an affair with is the same girl who went missing.
LEAH
Monday, October 12, 10:56 a.m.
I NEED TO FIND SOMETHING MORE MEANINGFUL IN MY LIFE BESIDES being a mother and wife. There’s only so much mindless laundry and housecleaning one can do. Most days I can barely wait for the kids to come home just so I can have someone to keep me company. Zack usually goes straight up to his room and buries his head in one of his science fiction books. At least Zadie still enjoys hanging out with me and giggling about silly little girl things.
The prospect of my first Maine autumn makes me giddy. I gaze out the window and see hills and mountains rolling across the landscape. Not like the majestic, snowcapped Cascade Mountains but nice all the same. The burgeoning foliage appears like the aftermath of an artist’s brush. I grab the leash off the hook and Mr. Shady goes wild with excitement, spinning around and around as if chasing his own tail.
I gather up some paper bags and head out. Mr. Shady stops and sniffs at every leaf, rock, and twig he comes across. As we walk around, I envision this empty subdivision as if it were the last remnant of a lost civilization. On the opposite side of the street sits a grove of trees, thick and mossy. Mr. Shady stops to check out a scent along the path. Since moving here we’ve seen deer, eagles, turkeys, and even a young moose strutting through the fields behind our neighborhood. We must be careful though. The coyotes will snatch Mr. Shady up if we leave him outside for any length of time.
We pass one of the bare concrete foundations. How sad to see it like this. That the developers would leave these lots in such woeful condition depresses me.
I stop at our locked mailbox and pull out the contents. Three bills and an ordinary-looking letter with no return address. Now, who could that be from?
My mind traces back to the missing girl. What was she like? What were her hopes and dreams? They reported that she grew up in New York City. I think how devastated I’d be if something bad like that happened to Zack or Zadie. I’d spend the rest of my life searching for them. No way I could ever rest knowing that they might still be out there.
Mr. Shady leads me around the circle, pulling excitedly at the leash, wanting to take off into the nearby fields and chase squirrels and small varmints. Instead, I stop in front of the Gaineses’ house and stare up at their farmer’s porch. It’s a lovely porch. It wraps around the house and gives them a nice view of the fields and nearby hills. No one is home and so I can stand here and admire it for as long as I like. I often think I could walk naked around this neighborhood and no one would notice. Or care.
I remember standing on their porch three months ago, after we’d just moved in, a homemade pie in one hand (I actually bought it at the local bakery) and a bottle of wine in the other. This, despite the fact that we were the new neighbors on the block. I thought it a nice gesture, especially since they hadn’t yet approached us. I knocked on the door and Clarissa’s husband appeared, looking dumbstruck at the sight of me. His face broke out in a warm smile and he graciously accepted the gifts proffered. But then he didn’t invite me in. What the heck? Nor did he ask how we liked living in our new neighborhood. Or how our children were adjusting to their surroundings. His children were playing in the background and making quite a ruckus, so maybe it was a bad time for me to show up unannounced. But I wish Clarissa had come to the door instead. I often look back on that day and think that our families might have gotten off to a better start if she’d been the one to answer.
Something comes over me and I find myself walking up the stairs and onto their porch. It’s not the first time I’ve been up here. I laugh and wonder why I continue to do this week after week. There are a couple of rocking chairs on the far end and some potted plants hanging from the wood ceiling. A folksy sign says THE GAINESES.
Mr. Shady stands perfectly still next to me. It’s as if he knows that we’re in a place we shouldn’t be. The boards creak underfoot as I tiptoe across them. What a beautiful farmer’s porch. I only wish we had one. I lean down and peer through the first window, taking in their artful decor.
What would I say if someone discovered me up here, a Peeping Tomasina—the Aramaic name for twin? I’d say that I was being neighborly. That I saw a suspicious person lurking around the house and was merely checking to see if everything was okay. Yes, that’s what I would say, even if I’m the suspicious person in question. Most neighbors would do the same, right? It doesn’t much matter to me, anyway, because I know I’ll never get caught. Clarissa and her husband rarely return home before dinner.
I walk the length of the porch, stopping occasionally to peer into one of the windows. For some odd reason this thrills me. Much more so than watching them from my bedroom window. I move to the last pane, near the corner of the house, and am afforded a full view of the living room. It’s simply incredible, far more elegant than our humble furnishings. Leather sofas and hammered nickel lamps. Cherrywood side tables. And the place is immaculate. Not a toy, wrapper, or shred of laundry littering the gleaming oak floor. For that reason alone, I’m jealous.
But what impresses me most is their collection of African-themed art: masks, terra-cotta figurines, and colorful paintings depicting the African experience. Framed pictures hang on every wall, and I wonder if they are real or merely artful reproductions. How can she keep such a neat and tidy home while working full time and with two young children running around like that? Because no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to keep the bobby pins, dolls, crayons, and assortment of miniature toys from sneaking back downstairs in the middle of the night. They hide in the creases of our couch and along the floor, waiting for my bare feet to be impaled by them. They subvert every effort I make to keep the house clean.
I feel slightly naughty peering inside, but I never tire of the view. I get the same adrenaline rush every time. Although I’m not seeing anything of particular interest, I’m thoroughly enjoying myself. It’s fascinating to observe someone else’s life when they’re not around. I feel like an ethnosociologist studying a newly discovered tribe’s habitat. Maybe it’s the boredom of being a housewife or the simple fact that I’m so alone in this new town that I’m going crazy. I can’t lie to myself; I’m desperately in need of a friend.
Before I can process my emotions, I lift the sill only to discover it’s locked. Good. Now I won’t be tempted to go inside. It’s a criminal offense, silly. Mind your own business, Leah. You’re a college-educated woman with two children and a loving husband. You’re not a stalker. You don’t covet your neighbor’s stuff.
Mr. Shady barks and I tap his moist black nose with my finger. He stops immediately and titters. I should turn around and go straight home, but something always prevents me from doing so. Mr. Shady stares up at me, wagging his tail anxiously. Or maybe it’s nerves. He wants to get off this unfamiliar porch and return home to his comfortable bed, brimming bowls of brown beef pellets, and freshly filtered water. He’s a dog imbued with reasoning, intelligence, and good judgment, I reassure myself.
But I’m not ready to leave the Gaineses’ porch just yet. I feel a sudden urge to see more, to know more about these people. I grasp the handle, completely against my better judgment, and to my surprise the door opens. It always does.
It frustrates me that the Gaineses have not yet welcomed me into the neighborhood. Is it a race thing? A matter of class? It’s obvious they’re better off than we are, especially after Clay sank e
very penny of our savings into his brewery. He’s so busy with his IPAs, stouts, and lagers that he doesn’t seem to care that our neighbors haven’t reached out to us yet. We moved three thousand miles away so he could follow his dream of opening a brewery, and then this happens. Or doesn’t happen. So where does that leave me? The kids?
I partially blame Clarissa for this estrangement. Oh yes, she’s friendly enough whenever we run into each other on the street or at the supermarket. I don’t know why her aloofness bothers me so. Maybe it’s because she seems like the kind of person I could become good friends with: she’s smart, progressive, cosmopolitan, and a mother like me. She gives me her undivided attention whenever we speak briefly on the street. She puts her hand on my forearm and seems concerned about what I have to say. Do I bore her? I often feel like I go on too long when I talk to other people, saying whatever pops into my mind. I dread the awkward silence and the dead-eyed stare. Yet once we’re back in our respective corners, it’s like we’re strangers again. My invitations to dinner get politely declined for one reason or another. A gulf lies between our two households and I don’t know why or what I’ve done to cause this.
A breeze rustles through the trees as I stick my head gingerly inside the foyer. I want to go inside, walk around and check everything out, but something prevents me from doing so. It always does. I glance at my watch. Darn, I’ve forgotten that I’ve scheduled Clay in a few minutes. Before closing the door, I snatch a tiny African wood carving off a side table and stuff it into my pocket. It marks the first time I’ve ever taken something out of their house.
I stare down at Mr. Shady and reassure him that we are done here and that it’s time to go home. He spins around in anticipation, getting tangled up in the leash. My hand holding the envelope is shaking with excitement. Kneeling down to free him, I hear the sound of flapping wings and notice that the starlings are at it again. I smile as they soar overhead, angling toward the dense woods across the street.
I rip open the letter and read it.
You mustn’t be so hard on yourself, Leah. You were only a child when it happened.
My heart races with fear and I crumple the paper and stuff it into my pocket along with the carving. Who sent this nasty note and why? I start to get light-headed. Just thinking about it fills me with anxiety, as does the figurine I’ve stolen from their house. Mr. Shady stares up at me with an accusing look. Or am I imagining this? The landscape begins to spin as I reach down to keep from falling. But it’s too late. I let go of Mr. Shady’s leash and everything goes black.
CLAY
Monday, October 12, 11:30 a.m.
I RACE HOME FROM THE BREWERY. LEAH HATES WHEN I’M LATE FOR our monthly scheduled trysts, despite the fact that she seems as eager to be done with it as I am. Sex with Leah is far from satisfying and I often wonder if it’s worth the effort. It’s been this way for a long time. With so many things to do at the brewery, it seems counterproductive to be here. I could work straight through the night and still not be done with all of my tasks.
I park in front of the house and bolt up to the front door and inside. I call out her name a few times, but there’s no reply. Great. She’s out for a walk or jog and has completely forgotten about our scheduled quickie. I scribble a happy note for her with a permanent marker and leave it on her novel. Then I race back out to the truck before she returns.
Whew.
It’s weird that I’m so relieved. Most guys would give their left nut to dash out of work and have a nooner with their wife. But work is the only thing keeping me going these days. It’s been a lifeline and my only means of staying sane. Moving to Dearborn and starting this brewery has given me a reason to live, and to pretend to be happily married.
Things have been rocky as of late and not all these problems have been Leah’s fault. I’ve contributed mightily to the decline in our marriage. But things will soon change. I plan to be a better husband. I need to do better. At least for the twins’ sake. They deserve to have two loving parents raising them, especially after I moved them away from the only home they ever knew.
Once back in the brewery, I revel in my narrow escape. A celebratory beer is called for. I sit in my tiny, cluttered office and knock back the first of many that I’ll quaff throughout the day. Quality control is how I rationalize my drinking. Thankfully, there’ll be no talking after ten boring minutes of sex. No cuddling with Leah while my mind makes a list of all the things that need to get done. No listening to her go on about climate change or the missing college girl. I haven’t yet told Leah that the girl and her boyfriend were at the brewery the night she disappeared. Leah would freak if she knew. She wouldn’t stop asking me questions. Her obsession with this case is driving me insane.
I have one main rule with Leah: what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her—unless she finds out. Then I’ll be the one hurting.
LEAH
Monday, October 12, 11:35 a.m.
I LIFT MY HEAD OFF THE DECK AND THE FIRST THING I SEE IS MR. SHADY staring at me with those big brown eyes. He sits dutifully by my side, keeping a close watch over me. He has stayed by my side the entire time, loyal to a fault. Maybe he doesn’t hate me after all. Or maybe he doesn’t hate me as much as I’m led to believe.
I reach out to pat his head, but he shrugs off the gesture and beckons me with quivering legs. A few orange leaves lie sprinkled over the porch like nature’s footprints. I glance at my watch and see that I’ve been out for over eight minutes.
“Such a good boy staying with me like that.” I pat his head, but he snaps at me. “Okay, Mr. Sourpuss, suit yourself.”
I pick myself up off the porch and walk Mr. Shady back to the house, relieved that no one has seen me passed out on my neighbors’ porch. Of all the times to have an anxiety attack. Serves me right for stealing into their house and making off with one of their art pieces.
I open the front door to my house and see the note that Clay has left me. He didn’t wait very long before heading back to the brewery, and in some ways I’m relieved. He signed the letter with hearts and kisses. So sweet.
Mr. Shady collapses on his pillow, head on paws. He watches me for a few seconds, but inevitably his eyelids close and he begins to snore.
I pour a tiny glass of wine to settle my nerves, turn the radio on NPR, and open my Jane Smiley novel to the bookmarked page. A few minutes pass before the news comes on. I lay the book down on the coffee table and listen. The missing girl’s boyfriend comes on, begging the public to help find her.
The reporter returns. The police admit that they’ve discovered a lacrosse stick by the trail, with the victim’s blood on it. They’ve only now released this information, hoping to keep emotions from running high on campus. It certainly looks to be a hate crime. Two black students out for a casual stroll, one beaten, one kidnapped.
Mr. Shady raises his head, sees me getting emotional, and lets his chin fall back on his paws. For some silly reason I feel partly responsible for this crime. My whole life, I’ve taken for granted my status as a white woman living in a country that affords people like me such a privileged status. Sometimes I feel ashamed because of my heritage, my colonial ancestry, and how we enslaved black people.
I eagerly look forward to the vigil tonight. Just thinking about it makes me happy, makes me feel like I’m making a difference in this world. I’ll raise a candle against racism and hate, and hope that everyone in town comes together as a community. More than anything, I need that girl to be found, alive and well, and for her to see how much she is valued by the people in Dearborn. I don’t know the girl, yet as strange as it sounds, I suddenly feel as close to her as I do my own children.
CLAY
Monday, October 12, 12:07 p.m.
A VIGIL, SHE SAYS. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? I HANG UP THE PHONE. A candlelight vigil is the last place I want to be tonight. It means I have to stop drinking beer and switch to coffee instead. Sure, I’m pretty lit right now, but that comes with owning a brewery.
I hate goin
g on that campus, even if a lot of my business comes from the students, faculty, and staff there. The lot of them are a bunch of pretentious assholes who wouldn’t know a good beer if their life depended on it. The next dickweed who asks me for a lemon wedge in their Bavarian Weiss is going to get an earful. Education is a good part of my job. Teaching people the true nature of beers and how to properly drink them. Teaching them not to be sheep.
They’re calling this attack a hate crime. It may have been a hate crime, but in my opinion all crime is a hate crime—and trust me when I say that there were many people in town who hated Mycah Jones.
Hating Mycah is probably the nicest thing one could say about that girl, and thinking that I have to honor her tonight makes me sick. I’ll keep my opinion to myself, of course. This is Leah’s thing. Vigils and protests and occupying shit are right up her alley. If it will make her happy to stand with a bunch of brainwashed kids and their airhead professors, it’s a cross I have to bear.
LEAH
Monday, October 12, 2:47 p.m.
ZACK AND ZADIE WILL BE HOME SOON. MOST DAYS THEY TAKE THE school bus home. Oftentimes, Clay picks them up and drops them off before returning to the brewery. I told him about the vigil this evening, and by the sound of his voice, I could tell he didn’t want to go. It took a little persuading on my part, but in the end I convinced him that our presence there would go a long way to creating goodwill in the community.
I feel as happy as a gooey duck under two feet of Puget Sound mud. I place a frozen turkey tetrazzini into the oven and then pour myself a third glass of Chablis. I’ve folded all the laundry, put the dishes away, and read two chapters of my novel. I’ve picked out my outfit for tonight: a somber black dress with a V-neck. Understated jewelry and black leather boots. Our future in Dearborn seems so much brighter now. If only I didn’t miss home so much.
