by Lucy Lennox
“We did,” I said. “How did you know?”
He shrugged. “It’s written all over your faces. Even the one time you told me about him, there was something in your eyes…” His voice fell off briefly before his gaze connected with mine. “It’s still there.”
I sighed. “It always will be. But we only fixed some things. Some things just can’t be changed.”
“Like what?”
“Like the fact that he lives 2000 miles away. That he’s a part of a world I never want to go back to.”
“What, because he’s got money?”
“Not just that… he’s someone out there. His name means something. He’s got a successful career ahead of him running the family business. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t fit.”
“Hmmm, never pegged you for a pussy.”
I was so startled by his comment that I actually stopped walking. Jake wasn’t big on confrontation and had a habit of keeping his thoughts to himself. If I wanted his opinion on something, I usually had to drag it out of him.
“What is it? Is everything okay?” Bennett asked as he glanced over his shoulder at us.
“Yeah, sorry, all good,” I said quickly and got us moving again. I waited until Bennett and Jimmy had put several yards between us before I said, “I guess when you’ve got something to say, you don’t pull any punches, huh?”
“I learned a long time ago that life’s too short not to say what you mean. While you’re fiddling around trying to find the right words or the courage to say what’s in your heart, you might just lose your chance altogether.”
“Thank you, Professor Nietzsche,” I said.
Jake chuckled and a small smile drifted across his lips. But for once, it was a real smile. It almost reached his eyes.
Almost.
But not quite.
“What if he doesn’t need you to fit into his world? What if he just needs you?”
“So what? I’m supposed to ask him to give up everything to be with me?” I asked. Even as I spoke, Jake’s words had planted a little sliver of hope deep inside of me that began to unfurl and curl throughout my body. Maybe there was a way I could make it work. Maybe I didn’t need to ask Bennett to give anything up. As much as I hated the idea of living in New York, maybe I could stomach it if it meant I got to be with him. I could pretend that his friends and family didn’t think I was trash. I’d still have to travel for work, but it would be a hell of a lot better than not being a part of his life. I could make it through just about anything if it meant I could go home to Bennett each day.
I knew I was getting ahead of myself, but I couldn’t help it. This past week had shown me that as much as I loved my life, there was a gaping hole in it that only one man could fill.
I finally realized Jake hadn’t answered me, and I glanced at him to see his eyes were on the ground in front of us. “You okay?” I asked. He’d always been the quiet, solemn type, but there was just something off about him today.
“Yeah, I’m good. Just tired.” His eyes met mine, but it seemed like he had to force the connection. “Thanks for coming to get us.”
“That’s what friends do, right?”
But he didn’t answer me, and in a strange way, I felt like I’d just lost a part of him. Which made no sense since he was right there next to me. Before I could question him, though, he said, “Look.”
I looked up to see Gary striding towards us, a look of utter relief on his face. We were less than a mile from the trailhead. Which meant that even at Jake’s slow pace, it was less than an hour before we reached the lodge and all of its offerings.
Warm beds.
Hot showers.
Amazing food.
And I got to share them all with Bennett. Before talking to Jake, I’d figured I’d get a day or two at most to make love to Bennett on a soft mattress or talk to him over a hot meal, but now I was wondering if it couldn’t be more than that. If those things could become my new normal.
Once Gary reached us, I let him take over helping Jake so I could run ahead and make sure Bennett was okay.
“Hey,” I said. “It’s not much farther. You doing okay?” I asked. I closed my hand around his elbow, both to support him if he needed it and also just to feel his warm skin, but I was shocked when he moved away from me.
“Yeah, we’re good,” he said as he put his arm around Jimmy’s shoulders.
His defection hurt, but I knew it was likely the exhaustion talking. Not to mention he might not be comfortable showing affection around Jimmy.
Except he’d been fine with the boys in our group assuming we were together.
Uncertainty shimmied through me as we walked in silence.
“I thought I’d stay at the lodge for a couple days,” I said, more to get him talking than anything else. I let my words drop off because Bennett didn’t even look at me as I spoke. “You okay?” I asked again.
“Fine,” he said. “Just tired. Ready to go home.”
Home.
Did he mean the lodge or did he mean New York? Doubt began to creep in. What if I’d read last night wrong? What if everything he’d said and done hadn’t really meant anything? I’d been so certain after we’d made love the second time that he was feeling the same things I was, but what if I was wrong? What if he was content with how things had ended up, after all? He could certainly regret what had happened fifteen years ago, but that didn’t mean he wanted things to change now.
“So I thought I’d stay at the lodge,” I said again, hoping, praying for some kind of reaction from him.
“Probably a good idea,” he said. “I’m sure you’re tired and could use some rest before you head home.”
“Yeah, right,” I said. A familiar churning in my belly had me slowing my step. The sensation continued all the way back to the lodge. I barely managed to interact with Lucky who, along with Bear, Aiden and one of the chaperones I recognized from Jake’s group, was waiting for us by the entrance to the lodge. Gary helped Jake into the lodge while the other chaperone took charge of Jimmy, leaving just me, Bennett, Aiden and Lucky standing there. Thunder rumbled in the distance, a reminder that although we’d beaten the storm back to the lodge, we were still in for a good soaker.
As Lucky told me all about how he’d taken care of Bear for me, I watched Bennett approach Aiden. The other man looked from Bennett to me. I saw him say something to Bennett, but Bennett just shook his head. I watched in disbelief as the man I loved more than anything else in this world sought comfort in another man’s arms.
This couldn’t be fucking happening. Not twice in one lifetime. It just couldn’t.
“He’s an awesome dog, Xander. I’m gonna miss him.”
I forced my attention to Lucky and said, “I appreciate you taking such good care of him for me, Lucky. I know he’s going to miss you too. I will too, for that matter.”
“This was the best trip ever,” Lucky said with a huge smile, and then he was wrapping his arms around me. I hugged him back as I fought the emotion that was threatening to close up my throat.
I watched Lucky head back to the lodge. Aiden put his arm around the boy’s thin shoulders as they disappeared through the front entrance. It took everything in me to stand there and face Bennett, because I knew what was coming.
He was going to tear my fucking heart out. I just knew it.
Just like when he’d pushed me to safety on that river crossing the day before, everything slowed down. Only this time, I knew the outcome wouldn’t be in my favor.
He finally turned to face me. He looked pale and sickly, and despite the agony that was threatening to send me to my knees, I was worried about him.
“Xander, I—”
“You should go inside, Bennett. You need to get warm and rest. If you can, try to go see a doctor before you head home.”
“Um, yeah,” he murmured. “I should do that… I just wanted to say—”
“You don’t have to say it,” I said. I’d thought I could do it— listen to him give me the brush-off— b
ut I wasn’t strong enough. I was way too close to doing what I’d done that night so many years ago… something I’d done when my mother had walked out of my life for the last time.
Begging.
I might still be that unlovable kid, but I’d be damned if I was going to give him the satisfaction of ripping my heart to shreds again.
“A walk down memory lane and a few hot fucks was a good way to pass the time, but we both know it’s not something you can build a future on,” I said.
He looked stricken, but he nodded. “Yeah… yeah, you’re right.”
“Have a safe flight home, Bennett,” I managed to get out before I felt my throat completely close up.
I was dimly aware of him saying something equally polite to me, but I didn’t even wait for him to finish before I turned on my heel and began walking.
Because I’d be damned if I let Bennett be the one to turn his back on me first.
Not again.
Chapter 32
Bennett
“B, please, you need to eat.”
I shook my head. I knew if I ate a thing, it would just come back up. After all, that’s what had happened as soon as Xander had turned his back on me. I’d barely managed to wait until he was out of sight before I’d rushed around the side of the lodge and thrown up in some bushes. Aiden had been the one to find me on my knees, my arms wrapped around my waist as I’d sobbed so hard that I’d made myself sick again and I’d retched a second time, though there’d been nothing left in my stomach at that point to expel.
I heard Aiden sigh. I was dimly aware of him setting the tray of food on the small table in the room, but I didn’t bother telling him he should just take the damn thing away because the food would likely be spoiled by the time the pain in my belly eased enough to let me even try filling it with something.
He left me.
I still couldn’t believe it. I didn’t even know how it happened. One second I’d been prepared to throw myself to my knees to beg him to pick me over Jake, the next he’d been telling me fucking me had been a great distraction.
The mattress shifted as Aiden climbed into the bed with me and lay down so that he was facing me. His fingers came out to skim the wound on my head. He’d been oddly quiet himself after I’d told him about the cause of my injuries.
Quiet and almost clingy.
Normal Aiden would have been telling me that Xander could go fuck himself, but this Aiden hadn’t said much after I’d told him everything that had happened between me and Xander after we’d split off from the rest of the group.
I almost wanted asshole Aiden back.
“Something must have happened, B,” he said softly as he toyed with my hair. “From everything you told me after the river—”
“Jake happened,” I cut in. “You should have seen them together, Aid. The way they talked about all the trips they’d been on. Even if they aren’t together, they should be. He’s everything I’m not.”
“What does that even mean?”
I wiped at the tears that wouldn’t stop randomly leaking from my eyes. “He likes the same things as Xander. The outdoorsy shit. And he’s beautiful.” I shook my head. “He isn’t a smartass, he isn’t klutzy, he doesn’t get pissy…”
“You met the guy for like five minutes, Bennett. You sure you’re just not projecting stuff on him?”
“Are you seriously going all shrinky on me?” I asked. “I saw the way Jake was looking at him. I didn’t need more than thirty seconds to know there was something there. And the whole way back they were talking like I wasn’t even there.”
“Did you try talking to Xander about it?”
“Talk about what? What was I supposed to say? Hey Xander, I’m head over heels in love with you and have been my whole life, so dump the hot wilderness guy who also happens to live within spitting distance of you and pick me, a guy whose family put you through hell and who lives 2000 miles away in a world that you yourself said you could never live in again.”
“Sounds perfect to me.” Aiden grinned at me and I couldn’t stop the smile that stole across my mouth. But it didn’t last.
“He couldn’t get away from me fast enough, Aid. Last night… last night happened because he was feeling guilty about what happened at the river.”
“Jesus, B, for someone who graduated with honors, you’re so damn stupid sometimes.”
“Thanks?” I said.
Aiden sighed and said, “Bennett, tell me something, okay. And think about it before you answer.”
I nodded.
“What’s your first reaction when you start doubting yourself?”
“What do you mean?”
Another sigh. “Okay, let’s look at it this way. When we broke up, what did you say?”
“Really?” I asked in disbelief. “I just got my heart stomped on and you’re bringing that up?”
“Shut up,” he said impatiently. “You and I both know that what you were feeling then isn’t anything even in the same universe as what you’re feeling now.”
He was right, but that didn’t make me feel any better. Aiden had been my first real boyfriend, not to mention the one who’d introduced me to sex. I hadn’t loved him, but I thought I had at the time. When he’d ended things, I’d been heartbroken, but not for the right reasons.
“I made a joke about having to cancel our wedding registry,” I said.
“Right. You made a couple more equally stupid cracks, and then what happened?”
I narrowed my eyes at him because they’d been perfectly good jokes. “You said we should be friends.”
“Right, and how did that go over at first?”
It finally dawned on me what he was getting at. “I told you that sounded like a good idea.”
“And then?”
“And then I avoided you like the plague.”
“You pulled away from me. And it started the second I told you it wasn’t going to work out between us.”
“We’d broken up, Aiden. You gave me the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line. What was I supposed to do?”
“What about your parents, then?”
“What about them?”
“All the times they told you how things were going to be… when you admitted you were gay and your dad told you he never wanted to hear those words come out of your mouth again, what did you do?”
“Why are you doing this?” I whispered as I closed my eyes.
I felt his hand cup my cheek. “Because I’m tired of you not standing up for what you want, Bennett… for what you deserve. And because I know what happened out there on that trail when you decided Jake was a better man for Xander. The same thing that happened tonight when you guys got back here. You withdrew… you tried to convince yourself that you were okay, that you weren’t hurting. You use words to mask what you’re feeling, B. Whether it be jokes or just out and out lies, you pretend you’re okay when you aren’t.”
I wanted to deny it, but I couldn’t. I’d never been allowed to say what I was really feeling as a kid, because that wasn’t the Crawford way. My life had been mapped out from birth, and wanting something different hadn’t been an option. It was like I’d been given a part to play and I’d spent my entire life perfecting that part.
Bennett Crawford, son of a prominent businessman, heir to a vast fortune, successful Harvard graduate, member of Greenwich’s elite upper crust. Even my work with my father’s company’s foundation had been an acceptable prop, since what I did was considered philanthropy. If I’d done the same kind of work under the title of teacher or social worker, it would have been nixed from the get-go.
I wasn’t just masking my feelings like Aiden said, I was wearing a mask. It had become a part of who I was. Aiden could see past the mask, but I hadn’t actually ever felt comfortable enough to take it off around him. I was still Bennett Crawford to him.
“He’s the only one, Aiden,” I whispered. “He’s the only one who ever just let me be me. His Benny.”
“So why won’
t you fight for that?” he asked softly.
I forced my eyes open. “Who will I be if he says no? When I lost him the first time, it was different. I still had…”
“Hope,” Aiden finished for me. “You had hope you’d find him again.”
I nodded.
“Bennett, I can’t pretend to know what you’re feeling, but I do know this. If you get on that plane without having tried, it’s not hope you’ll be taking home with you. It’ll be regret. I don’t know about you, but I sure as shit know which one I’d rather wake up with every day.”
He leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead before climbing off the bed. “Aiden,” I called just as I heard him open the door. I sat up and kicked the covers off. “Can you ask Gary if he has a car I can borrow, and get me directions to Xander’s cabin? I need to change.”
“Well, I did have plans to check in on Larry,” he mused. “But I suppose it can wait a few minutes.”
“Let it go, Aid. The man’s straight. He’s not going to cave.”
Larry was one of the chaperones who’d accompanied us on the trip and had been helping out with the group of younger boys that Jake had been leading. Aiden had been shamelessly flirting with him, but the single dad was completely clueless.
“We’ll see,” Aiden said. I reached him before he could leave the room.
“Thank you,” I said softly, and then I was brushing a kiss over his cheek.
“Go get ‘em, B,” was all he said. His eyes twinkled as he shot me a soft smile and closed the door behind him.
Chapter 33
Xander
The rain was so loud on the roof of the cabin, I didn’t even hear the knocking at first. It was only Bear’s incessant barking that had me climbing out of bed. I didn’t need to look at the clock on my nightstand to know what time it was, because I’d been staring at the damn thing for the past three hours. I’d managed to pretend things were normal after I’d left the lodge, but it hadn’t lasted longer than me making it home and climbing in the shower. That was when the gig had been up and I hadn’t been able to pretend that I was in any way, shape or form okay with losing Bennett all over again. I’d ended up sitting on the shower floor crying my ass off until the water had turned so cold, I’d had no choice but to get out. But I hadn’t gone very far.
