by Amy Andrews
‘Tract obstruction,’ Callie interrupted. ‘I know what it stands for.’
‘Of course…sorry…Anyway, they’re referring us to Brisbane. But I know you’re a neonatal specialist, Callie, and I trust you…According to your mum, you’re the best, and I want the best for my little boy, Callie. I want you.’
Callie didn’t even begin to know where to start with this conversation. She couldn’t decide which was more bizarre. Her ex-husband contacting her after over a decade of silence. Or the news that her mother had said she was the best.
She must have been more stunned than she knew because Joe said, ‘Callie? Are you still there?’
Callie gave herself a mental shake and got her head back into the game. Which was a tiny unborn baby suffering from LUTO, a potentially lethal condition—and she could help. The history she and Joe shared was secondary. Callie looked at her watch. Midday. ‘How soon can you get here?’
Joe’s sigh was audible. ‘Two hours, depending on traffic.’
‘I’ll be waiting. Page me when you get here.’ She gave him her number.
‘Callie…Thanks…’
The gratitude in Joe’s voice was clear but Callie wasn’t about to give him a free pass. He’d made her miserable and while eighteen-year-old Callie would have been polite and forgiving, the thirty-three-year-old version wouldn’t.
‘Drive carefully,’ she said, then rang off.
Callie didn’t realise her hands were shaking until she replaced the phone in the cradle. Hell, she was about to see Joe again after all these years. And Raylene. Who was pregnant with his baby.
She wasn’t sure how she was supposed to feel. She wasn’t sure how she actually felt. A jumble of emotions tumbled around inside her like a giant clothes dryer—apprehension, nervousness, dread.
It was surreal, bizarre and it was happening.
So she did the only thing she could. She started making some phone calls.
A few hours later, Cade stood waiting for the lift to arrive. He was expecting a page from Callie any time now to let him know when her newly diagnosed LUTO patient had arrived. She’d rung and asked him to consult with a view to possible surgical intervention. He’d seen a few LUTO patients back home and had placed shunts successfully.
Of course, thinking about Callie was never a good idea. Things seemed to be fine between them, for which he was grateful, but fine was a long way from smoking hot and his body spent a lot of time remembering the smoking hot.
It was bloody distracting.
The light above the lift indicated it had reached his floor and he waited for the doors to open. Three people occupied the lift as he stepped in, pushed the button for his floor and then fell back against the wall. Opposite him the trio lined up against the other wall. A young, thin woman with a tiny baby bump evident beneath her snug T-shirt stood close to the two men but slightly separate. The two men, however, stood very close together, their arms brushing, their hips touching.
It was a comfortable stance—intimate, really—and Cade assumed they were partners. He smiled at them and, grateful to have a distraction from his thoughts of Callie, said to the woman, ‘How far along are you?’
‘Twenty-one weeks,’ she murmured.
‘Past the halfway mark,’ he quipped.
The woman nodded and smiled but it seemed forced and the man closest to her reached for her hand and took it. Then the lift dinged and they all trooped out. And Cade was left alone in the lift with only Callie to fill his head.
Callie felt like throwing up when the knock sounded. Joe had paged to say they were on their way up and she was suddenly gripped with the urge to hide under her desk and pretend this wasn’t happening. But she didn’t.
She took a deep breath. ‘Come in.’
The door opened and there he stood. Just as blond and rugged and handsome as he’d always been. A little older but essentially Joe.
‘Hello, Callie,’ he said.
Relief, pure and sweet, flooded her system. A part of her had been terrified that maybe, despite the years and everything that had gone on between them, she was still in love with Joe.
A dozen different emotions flitted through her but none of them was love.
Callie nodded. ‘Hello, Joe.’
Joe smiled at her then turned to the woman beside him. ‘This is Raylene.’
Callie also switched her attention. She was a little startled to see the cute, petite blonde. Her hair was in a high perky ponytail and all her clothes and accessories were matching shades of pink. She looked like a cheerleader and so tiny that a puff of wind could blow her over. Even her bump was cute.
God, if this was what turned Joe on, no wonder he hadn’t wanted her. Raylene was a girly girl to Callie’s tall, athletic redhead. And pink definitely wasn’t her colour.
Realising she was staring, Callie came out from behind her desk and shook the other woman’s hand. It was a weird moment—for her anyway. Raylene didn’t seem at all awkward or uncomfortable being in the same room as Joe’s ex and Callie admired her composure—she’d been told she could be pretty intimidating.
‘Have a seat.’ Callie indicated the two chairs on the opposite of her desk. When they took them she said, ‘Do you have the scans?’
Callie took a while reviewing the scans and the reports that came with them. She’d already spoken to the specialist they’d been dealing with, who had given her a thorough rundown. She asked the odd question as she went along but there wasn’t a lot of chatter as she continued to familiarise herself with the case.
Eventually she lifted her head and addressed them both. ‘I think you’re a good candidate for a shunt. I’ve asked Dr Coleman, who specialises in prenatal surgery, to consult with me on this. I’ve also rung our top paediatric urologist and she’s going to consult on the case. We might also need a renal physician, depending on the condition of the baby’s kidneys.’
‘So you can fix it?’ Joe asked.
‘I think so. But we’ll know more after some more tests.’
‘Thank you,’ Joe said. ‘I’m so grateful.’
Callie nodded briskly, uncomfortable with his gratitude. ‘I’ll just call Dr Coleman.’
Joe and Raylene waited while she placed the call. She hadn’t told Cade it was Joe and she wasn’t sure why—maybe she’d needed time to absorb it herself.
‘Ready for you,’ Callie said as Cade answered.
‘Can you give me half an hour? Sorry, I just got caught up in Special Care.’
‘No worries,’ Callie said. ‘I’ll get the bloods done while we wait.’
Callie put the phone down. ‘Okay. First step is to do some blood tests to rule out any chromosomal abnormalities. Take this to Pathology. It’s on the second floor.’ She handed them an already filled-out request form. ‘Come back here when you’re done.’
Raylene took the form. Joe said thank you one more time then they left. Callie sat staring at the door as it shut after them. That hadn’t been too difficult at all. She’d always be angry with Joe and what had happened in their short marriage but it was good to know she could face him without falling apart.
As an equal.
Her inexperience had exacerbated her powerlessness back then. He was Joe Rawlings. The guy she’d dreamed about and built up in her head to be a saint, and when he’d turned out to have feet of clay she’d been too young, naive and unsophisticated to deal with his criticisms.
But they were on an even footing now. And he knew it, too.
Another knock broke into her musings—probably Cade. Her pulse spiked. The only other man who had caused her so much consternation. ‘Come in,’ she called.
The door opened and Joe stood there. ‘Oh…Joe.’ She stood. ‘Everything okay? Did you get lost? It’s a bit of a warren.’
He shook his head. ‘No…it’s fine. I was hoping I could…talk to you for a moment.’
‘Oh.’
Callie didn’t know what to say. She’d had a million questions crowding her mind since Joe had
rung but she wasn’t sure she wanted to open Pandora’s box. Not right now. Not with Raylene likely to return so soon. Not with the bigger issue of his baby’s condition, which they needed to focus on.
‘Please, Callie. There’s things I need to…tell you. Things you need to hear.’
A flash of anger flared through her veins. He wasn’t running this show any more. ‘Oh, you need to, do you?’ she demanded. ‘I need to? I gave you plenty of opportunity, Joe. I begged you to talk to me. But you chose to demonise me instead, remember? Or is it still all my fault?’
Joe shut the door behind him and advanced into the room.
‘No,’ he said softly, ‘it wasn’t your fault. I’m so, so sorry about the way things went down with us. The way I…treated you. You were lovely and innocent and so bloody sweet and I didn’t deserve you. I know I certainly don’t deserve your absolution or forgiveness or even time to hear me out but I need to make amends.’
‘Again, it’s all about you, isn’t it?’ Callie snapped, the wound he was picking at ripping wide open suddenly.
‘No. I wronged you, Callie. It’s my greatest shame…’ He gave a half laugh. ‘Ironically there are some back home who might not say that but I know. I know in here,’ he said, bouncing a fist off his still impressively flat abdomen. ‘I should have contacted you two years ago. Set things straight. I’ve been a coward.’
‘Two years ago?’ she hissed. He had to be joking, right? ‘Try thirteen.’
Joe shook his head and Callie was struck by the absolute wretchedness of it. ‘I was in denial until two years ago.’
She frowned. ‘I suppose Raylene opened your eyes to how women really should be treated? Honestly, Joe, why did you marry me if what you really wanted was a peppy little blonde?’
Joe sank into the chair. ‘Because what I really wanted was a guy called Paul, who was sensitive and arty and does yoga on the beachfront every morning and doesn’t care what anybody else thinks of him. Unlike me.’
Callie blinked. She heard the words but she was having trouble computing them. Was he saying what she thought he was saying? She sunk into her chair. ‘You’re…gay?’
Joe gave a half smile. ‘Apparently.’
Callie reeled from the admission. On one hand it was an overwhelming relief. On the other it was even more confusing. ‘I don’t think flippancy is called for here, Joseph,’ she snapped, slipping back into old ways, old chastisements.
Joe placed his palms flat on her desk. ‘Sorry…You’re right.’
Callie took a breath. ‘So you’re gay but a woman called Raylene is having your baby.’
He nodded. ‘She’s a surrogate.’
Callie felt the doctor take over as the eighteen-year-old girly inside her shrank away and rocked in a corner somewhere. ‘Are you the biological father?’
‘Yes.’
‘And your partner…?’
‘Paul. He’s going to be the biological father next time.’
‘Okay.’
She didn’t know what to say now. Everything made sense, knowing that Joe was gay. But there were still so many questions and she just didn’t know where to start. As a doctor she could fire away but as the woman who had loved him to no avail, she was lost.
‘I’m sorry,’ Joe said. ‘I’ve been denying my sexuality for years. I kept thinking if I just played some more footy, got pissed a little more at the pub with my mates, ploughed some more fields…got married, then it would go away. I come from a small rural town from farming stock. Where men are men and women swoon. I didn’t want to be gay. I desperately didn’t want to be a gay farmer in Broken Hill.’
‘The only gay in the village?’ she joked absently.
He smiled back. ‘Something like that. It certainly felt that way.’
‘So you married me.’
He nodded. ‘Yes. And I really wanted to make it work. If only you hadn’t wanted to very inconveniently have sex with your husband, it all would have been okay.’
Callie blinked. ‘You’re joking, right?’
Joe sighed. ‘Of course.’ He clasped his hands. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to be gay, but I didn’t feel anything sexually towards you and that gave me incredible erectile dysfunction and I wanted to hide that from you—to protect you. But you were so sweet and earnest, trying to make it work, and it kept eating away at me until it was easier to push you away, to be a jerk so you wouldn’t want to have sex with me.’
‘You know you just could have told me, right?’
Joe shook his head and quirked an eyebrow. ‘Really, Callie? I know I could have told the Callie sitting in front of me today, but telling the Callie who looked at me like I hung the stars, when I already felt so bad about myself? You were so…innocent. I didn’t know how, where to even begin. And I’m not sure eighteen-year-old Callie would really have understood.’
Callie thought about it. He was right. Maybe she wouldn’t have. ‘Maybe not,’ she admitted. ‘But it’s been thirteen years since we parted and, Joe, I’ve got to tell you, what happened between us really messed me up.’
He reached across the desk and held out his hand and Callie took it. ‘I know, and I’m so sorry. If I could go back and change that, I would. But I hadn’t even admitted it to myself until I met Paul three years ago when I was on holiday in Noosa. It’s been a long road for me. It took me a year to finally admit it to myself then I had this clandestine long-distance relationship with Paul for another year before he said I had to make a choice. Telling my parents was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, besides leaving Broken Hill and screwing you over. They haven’t come to terms with it at all. It’s only the prospect of a grandchild that has kept dialogue open between us. Paul says it takes time, that they’ll come round. I’m not sure he’s right.’
Callie nodded. She knew how black and white things could be in the country. Of course there were open-minded people, too, but in an outback mining town they weren’t exactly a dime a dozen.
‘Paul sounds like a guy I’d really like to meet.’
And she realised it was the truth. A huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders with Joe’s admissions. Sure, she’d come to realise through a full and active sex life over the years that she was a desirable woman but the old resentment she’d felt towards Joe for making her feel the opposite had never really fully gone away.
But confronted with him now all these years later, listening to his struggle, hearing him say he was sorry and truly believing it, was like an instant balm to her wounds. Her life was full and happy and so was his. It looked like they’d both come through their disastrous beginnings to a better life.
‘He’s outside. I know he wants to meet you.’
Callie was momentarily taken aback by the admission but, then, why wouldn’t he? Paul sounded like the perfect partner. She nodded. ‘Well, for goodness’ sake, bring him in, then.’
And in less than thirty seconds she was being hugged by the man her ex-husband loved, and she could totally see why. He was handsome in a goofy way and very witty, which put her instantly at her ease.
‘Joe has told me so much about you,’ Paul enthused. ‘He feels so awful about what happened in your marriage. He sings your praises every day. And while I regret the circumstances that brought us all together today, I’m so happy he got to make amends because I know how heavily it damaged him. You deserved better and I’ve been telling him that for three years. He needed to apologise.’
‘Thank you,’ Callie said. ‘It means a lot that he has.’
‘Does it?’ Joe asked.
Callie nodded. ‘Yes. You really hurt me, Joe. Knowing that you regret it…it helps.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ Joe said again. ‘You’re the last person I ever wanted to hurt and yet you’re the one I hurt most.’
Callie walked into his arms then, her eyes welling with tears. ‘Apology accepted,’ she whispered.
‘Please tell me there’s someone special for you?’ Joe asked, his breath brushing
the hair at her temple.
Callie stepped out of his embrace, her thoughts turning to Cade. ‘Not really,’ she said, pushing them away. ‘I haven’t exactly been willing to make myself vulnerable to the whims of another man again.’
‘Oh, no,’ Paul said, and he grabbed her hands with passionate ferocity. ‘We all need love, Callie. Don’t shut yourself off from that. Never shut yourself off from that.’
Joe nodded. ‘Loving Paul has been the most amazing thing I’ve ever done. It took courage I never knew I had but I am thankful every day that I did. Life’s too short to be lonely.’
Callie could feel more tears queuing in her eyes. Knowing that her marriage breakdown hadn’t been her fault was a huge weight off her shoulders. Were they right?
Joe had found love—why not her?
And in that instant she let the love flood in. The love she’d been holding in check behind barriers she’d erected a long time ago. She loved Cade. She’d been trying to pretend that it was lust. That what she felt for him was purely physical. But she knew that was nonsense.
He’d come into her life and been sweet and compassionate and understanding. It was like he understood her better than anyone ever had—even Alex. But it wasn’t just compassion and gratitude and friendship she felt for him. Neither was it just blind, hot, searing lust and a thirst that couldn’t be quenched. It was a feeling that she was meant to be with him, that their lives were intertwined, that they were destined to be together.
That she loved him. As much if not more than she had ever loved Joe in her foolish teenage flights of fancy. This wasn’t some…crush. This was real. This was forever kind of stuff.
She looked at her ex-husband and his partner and even though part of her still couldn’t take it all in, the other part was so grateful that she’d been given a second chance at love. Real love.
‘You’re right,’ she said.
‘There is someone, isn’t there?’ Paul asked.
Callie nodded. ‘I’m not sure he feels the same way.’
