by Pamela Morsi
Fortunately my mother didn’t say, “I told you so.” Quite to the contrary she rallied to my defense.
“Let me give his mother a call,” she said. “A personal invitation might sit better.”
I had my doubts. And as Babs schmoozed and cajoled Mrs. Jerrod, I could tell that it wasn’t all going as well as she’d hoped.
“Oh, I do understand, I do,” my mother said to his mother on the other end of the line. Babs’s huge smile of false geniality was projected through her voice. “Yes, schedules do get crowded this time of year. And it will all be fine. In fact, it might even work out better. There are so many people coming from Robert’s company and even some of his clients. They are certainly not the kind of people you’re accustomed to in Pearland. And I know you’d never want to put your brilliant, successful son at any social disadvantage.”
My jaw dropped open. But I was more quick-witted than Mrs. Jerrod who apparently didn’t realize that she’d been dealt a very choice and elegant insult until after my charming mother had said goodbye and hung up the phone.
Babs turned to me, her expression transformed to extreme annoyance.
“Your future mother-in-law is a self-righteous, ignorant twit,” she told me. “Keep that in mind if you have children. You’ll want to overcome any inherited traits as quickly as you can.”
I laughed. But the term future mother-in-law was beginning to sound really good to my ears. I had not minded living with Robert. I felt like our commitment was as strong as any marriage. But, as I finished school, ready to set out in the world, my feelings changed. We’d made our point about not being restricted by the repressed mores of our parents’ generation. And we proved that we were together for better reasons than just a piece of paper. But I was beginning to question why it couldn’t just be a marriage.
I wasn’t angling for six bridesmaids and a white dress, and I wasn’t interested in changing my name, but didn’t see any reason why it shouldn’t happen. At the very least, it would give me legal standing in Robert’s life. And hopefully it would be more. It would be a public declaration of our love and commitment to each other.
I had not said anything to Robert to clue him in on my thoughts, but I was optimistic that he was thinking along the same lines. And I was hoping, wishing, that as a graduation gift, he’d bought me an engagement ring.
The day was typical for Houston in May, stifling hot and unbearably humid. We all took the six-block walk to the stadium to avoid the nuisance of having to park. It was a curious feeling having all these relatives suddenly thrust into the mini-universe that I’d created with Robert. They seemed accepting of him, friendly with him. He appeared somewhat stilted and cold. I was unaccustomed to being around people who were close to me. Perhaps for the first time, it occurred to me that all our friends were actually Robert’s friends. I rarely saw any of my personal girlfriends, outside of class. The only acquaintance of mine who’d ever even been to the house was Carl Anne. Even she made a point of visiting when Robert wasn’t there and left quickly as soon as he showed up.
I shrugged off the unwelcome realization with a reasonable rationalization. In any relationship there will be a more dominant person. Just because Robert was that dominant person, didn’t mean that his friends weren’t my friends, as well.
“So, have you lined up a job yet?” Pete asked me. “We could really use somebody like you.”
“Did Babs tell you to suggest that?”
“Babs? No.”
“That’s exactly what she’d want,” I told him. “There is nothing she’d like more than for me to get a job that would move me back to McKinney.”
Pete shrugged. “Well, it’s a growing place, lots of good stuff happening out on the expressway, a Texas version of Silicon Valley. It’s not like you’d have to live downtown. We have hundreds of employees who don’t set foot on the square twice a year.”
“It’s a great place,” I agreed. “But Houston is really bursting at the seams, too. It’s all so dynamic now and Robert is here.”
“Ah...Robert,” Pete said, glancing back to see him in conversation with Acee. “When is he going to make an honest woman of you?” he teased.
“I am a very honest woman,” I assured him.
He chuckled. “That’s why I’d like to have you in my company,” he said. “Whether Babs would like it or not.”
My family took their seats in the bleachers, while I found my chair on the field. From that distance, I’m sure I was unrecognizable from the other hundreds of robed and mortar-boarded graduates. Standing out among the sea of unrelieved black were yellow ribbons blowing in the breeze from every conceivable location. With the Americans held captive in our embassy in Tehran, their fate and the fate of our nation, was not far from anyone’s mind. But all of the commencement speakers were upbeat, eager and optimistic.
I lined up to hear my name read and walked across the stage. I shook hands with the deans and the speakers and accepted an empty leather folder; the actual certificates would be mailed to us.
After we’d thrown our hats in the air and hugged each other goodbye, I met up with my family at a prearranged location across the street. To my delight, I’d acquired two more guests. Nicie and Cheryl were among the group. I hugged them both eagerly.
“Brian and I had planned to come,” Nicie told me. “Then at the last minute he canceled. I got Cheryl to drive down with me.”
“That’s great,” I said. “It’s so good to see you.”
It was good to see her. And it was interesting, as well. Nicie had the life my mother had wanted for me. She’d gone to community college in McKinney and was now engaged. She seemed very happy with that.
“Let’s see this diamond,” I said, picking up her hand.
Her ring was big and shiny and bright, everything that it should be. I made a fuss over it and encouraged everyone else to do the same. That actually worked out well. I felt more confident when all the attention wasn’t focused on me.
As we headed back to the house, Cheryl fell in beside me. We chatted amiably for a few minutes. I asked her about her life. Cheryl was living in her own apartment in Dallas, working for a utility company. She seemed pretty happy.
“Your guy is really a hunk,” she told me.
“Thanks. I think so, too.”
“Is it serious between you two?”
I gave her a look of disbelief. “Cheryl, we’re living together. You’d have to call that rather serious.”
She shrugged. “A shack-up is just a shack-up,” she said. “It’s a perfect setup for guys. If I were you, I wouldn’t get my heart set on anything permanent.”
“Well, thank you, Cheryl,” I said sarcastically. “If you ever get to be me, then you can take your own advice.”
I excused myself and hurried up ahead. I snagged Renny’s arm. He smiled at me.
“Congratulations, kid,” he said.
“Thanks. And congrats to you, too.”
“To me?”
“For moving back to McKinney,” I said. “How’s it going?”
“Pretty good,” he said. “Too good, really. I like the work I’m doing. I’d gotten so used to being a nobody from nowhere. It’s really kind of uplifting to walk downtown and have people know my name, ask about business. I feel like somebody again. It’s great having the house. My ex is going to let the kids come out to spend some time with me this summer.”
“That’s great!”
“Yeah, it’s all great,” he said. “Even being in the same town as Pete is not so bad. We won’t ever be friends. We don’t have anything in common except family, but I don’t mind him so much anymore.”
We arrived at the house and I was barely able to change my clothes before being absorbed into the giant party. The worst thing about having a gathering of a hundred people you’d really like to talk to, is that there is very little chance of getting to talk to anyone more than a couple of seconds.
There were our friends, clustered together at a table in the backy
ard. They were all heavily invested in wine drinking, the guys smoking expensive cigars. The women were equally as game and talking just as tough. There was lots of joking and laughing going on, but I was too distracted to keep up with the direction of the conversation.
I talked to Doris for a few minutes. Acee’s new wife was not her typical loud, boisterous self. She seemed a bit intimidated by the company. I’d always liked her around town, but could never honestly see her and Acee as a couple. But they do say opposites attract and if she suited Acee, then she suited me. Apparently a little uncertain about her place in the celebration, she fell back on her former vocation and began passing plates of hors d’oeuvres and getting drinks for everyone.
“You don’t have to do that,” I assured her. “You’re a guest.”
She patted me on the hand and flashed me that big toothy smile. “It gives me something to do, honey. I’ve been slinging hash so long, it’s second nature to me.”
“Well, you needn’t sling hash for me,” I said.
“It’s an honor,” she said. “Acee is so proud of you. He thinks of you just like a daughter.”
I nodded. “He’s really the only father I’ve ever known,” I told her.
“Your real daddy, Tom, he was a nice genuine guy,” Doris said. “I know everybody says you’re just like your mama, but I see plenty of Tom Hoffman in you.”
The last part of that statement sort of muddled in my mind as I took offense at the beginning. “I’m not anything like my mother,” I assured her. “I’m not anything like her at all.”
As the party progressed I chatted with Acee, the twins and their husbands, Pete’s wife, all of the kids from little Janey’s youngest, a toddler, to Doris’s teenagers. Nicie regaled me with all the latest plans for her June wedding. Aunt Maxine gave me the current contracting woes of the new Senior Retirement Village she was having built out on the Loop. I was interested in all of it and wanted to talk to everyone, but not all on the same day.
I was making a retreat to the bathroom when my former roommate, Carl Anne, caught up with me.
“Listen, I just wanted to check,” she said, glancing around to make sure that we were alone. “Your friendship is like really important to me.”
“Yeah? For me, too,” I assured her.
“You know I wouldn’t want to risk it for anything, so I thought I’d run it by you first, to see what you think.”
“Run what by me?”
“I’m...well, I’m thinking about making a play for your cousin,” she said. “Are you cool with that? I mean, I won’t so much as wink if it bothers you. But if it’s no big deal for you, I’d like to make a move.”
“My cousin? Renny?”
“No.”
“I hope it’s not Pete, Pete’s married.”
“What are you talking about? Renny? Pete? This is me, Carl Anne,” she said. “I’m thinking about making a play for your cousin, Cheryl.”
“Cheryl?” I was stunned. “Carl Anne, I don’t believe Cheryl is gay.”
She chuckled. “Lots of folks don’t believe the earth is round, but it keeps spinning on its axis all the same.”
At that point I began to suspect that my own world must be hurtling out through space. I gave Carl Anne my blessing and went on to the bathroom. What I found there was not pleasant.
Hilary, one of Robert’s friends and the housemate of Robert’s best buddy, Greg, was splashing her face with cold water. The room reeked of vomit.
“Sorry,” she said, before I even made a comment.
“There’s a little candle here,” I told her. “I’ll light it and the place will be back to vanilla bean before you notice.” I hated the sound of my own voice. It sounded like my mother on a hostess high. “Too much wine?”
She shook her head. “None at all.”
My brow furrowed.
“I’m pregnant,” she said.
I was so surprised I’m sure my jaw dropped open like some cartoon character. It was very hard to imagine this edgy, hard-nosed businesswoman as somebody’s mommy.
“Oh, Hilary, that’s wonderful!” I managed after a moment.
She waved away my congratulations. I realized that she was crying.
“Don’t say anything to anybody,” she said. “Not even to me.”
“No, no, of course not, if you don’t want me to.”
“I haven’t decided if I’m going to keep it,” she said. “It’s just the worst possible time. I have this absolutely incredible deal with Stinson Intercont and the next twelve months will make it or break it. I don’t have the kind of career where I can take maternity leave.”
I nodded sympathetically.
“What does Greg say?” I asked.
Hilary gave a derisive snort and laughed as she shook her head. “Oh, he’s a lot of help. He said, ‘I thought you were on the goddamned pill.’”
Greg’s attitude should have surprised me, but it didn’t.
“I don’t know what to do,” she said. “I just don’t know. How can I do this? How can I throw away everything I’ve worked so hard for? How can I just give up the biggest deal I’ve ever seen to become Mommy and bake cookies for the PTA?”
“Lots of women have careers and kids, too,” I pointed out.
She nodded. “They either make so much money they have full-time nannies or so little money, they can lay the kid on the cotton sack as they drag it through the fields.”
“Oh, Hilary, I’m really sorry,” I told her.
“Yeah, me, too.” She stood up straight and plastered a bright smile across her face. “Hey, this is your big party. Let’s go see if we can have a few laughs.”
“Okay.”
“And...and don’t tell anyone,” she reminded me. “I should never have fallen apart like this.”
“I’m glad I was here. And don’t worry, I’ll never say anything,” I promised.
And I didn’t.
Though, I do admit it was on my mind later that night. The guests began clearing out about nine o’clock. The cousins from McKinney left first with their long drive up the interstate. The friends and colleagues left next. Acee hung around as Doris insisted on helping with the cleanup. Once they’d gone, Babs finished up and left for her hotel. It was just me and Robert alone in our house.
“Doesn’t that sound wonderful,” I said.
“What?” he asked.
“The silence, it’s practically music.”
“You’re nuts,” he told me.
“That’s Bachelor of Nuts to you, sir.”
He laughed. “Okay, Bachelor of Nuts, go get your panties off and I’ll meet you in bed.”
I ran a quick bath and scrubbed off the day’s grime. Found a very frilly, feminine nightgown in pale blue satin, the front pleats were sheer enough that my nipples showed through. I brushed my hair. I looked good. I smelled good. And I felt good.
The vanilla bean candle was still burning. I blew it out and thought once more of Hilary. Or rather, I thought of myself and what I might do in her place. I certainly was not interested in having a baby. But if I did get pregnant, Robert would stand by me, he’d do the right thing. Greg was just not as committed to Hilary as Robert was to me. I was sure of that. She and Greg were just a live-in. What Robert and I had was more like a trial marriage. Still, I was ready to make it official. It would simply be easier to have that part of our lives settled. That way we could concentrate more fully on our careers without having to concern ourselves about the relationship at all.
Just before I reached for the doorknob, I deliberately stopped to get a handle on the direction of my thoughts. Things don’t always happen the way that you think they will, I reminded myself. I took a deep breath. Don’t be disappointed if he doesn’t have a ring.
I stepped into the bedroom. Robert was sitting on the edge of the bed in gray boxer shorts. He had a gift-wrapped package in his hand. The box was too large. I knew that right away. Still he could be deliberately deceptive.
“What is it?” I ask
ed, being a little coy.
“You’ll have to open it up to find out,” Robert said.
“It doesn’t look big enough for a blouse or pajamas,” I told him. “It’s probably like underwear or socks.”
“Nope.”
“If I guess it will you tell me?”
“Mmm...yeah, I guess so, if you guess it.”
“Do I get a hint or something?”
“You want a hint? Okay—” he held out the package to me “—Laney, my sweet Laney, what’s inside this box is...is your future.”
The words went through me like a bolt of electricity.
There was no guessing then. I grabbed it out of his hands and ripped it open.
Inside there was no tiny velvet box hiding among tissue. I stared, uncomprehending, at a leather-bound book.
“What is it?” I asked.
“It’s a Day-Timer, sweetheart,” he said. His voice brimmed with excitement as he eagerly showed it to me. “It’s a whole system of daily organization and time management planning,” he said. “It allows you to maintain control of your appointments, schedule, client lists. If you’re going to make it in corporate America, you’ve got to have a Day-Timer.”
BABS
AFTER LANEY’S GRADUATION, I was officially a woman without purpose. My daughter was making her own way in the world, without my help and resisting my interference. I had no career, no volunteer work, no hobby. I had nothing. I spent almost a year redoing my house, making its huge elegance seem cozy and clean. I moved my bedroom down into Acee’s office and closed off the second floor completely. I redid the landscaping, every trowelful of dirt I turned myself. I put in a flower garden, like nothing I’d imagined in my girlhood gardening dreams. It included a granite serenity bench and a koi pond. In the far north corner of the yard, I had homegrown vegetables, tomatoes, pole beans and lettuce, onions, radishes and carrots.
I was healing, finally, at long last I believed that I was healing. Admitting the truth to Acee, speaking those bitter words aloud at last, had lanced the wound that had festered in my soul for so very long.
