by Sandie Jones
I didn’t see him for another eight hours, when he got up, took two Alka-Seltzers, said, ‘I feel like shit,’ and went back to bed again. I can’t pretend I didn’t feel the tiniest sliver of satisfaction as I followed him into the bedroom, threw the curtains open, and said, ‘Wakey, wakey. You’ve got to go and get your mother.’ He let out the loudest groan, and just at that moment, I fancied he was dreading her visit even more than I was.
By the time he arrived back with her, the flat was spotless, Poppy was asleep in the nook of my elbow, and there was a fresh pot of coffee on. I felt like a smug superwoman as I sat in the armchair, awaiting my nemesis, with a triangular maternity pillow stuffed under my aching arm.
‘Oh, you clever girl,’ Pammie said as she came into the front room. ‘Didn’t you do well?’
She didn’t bother to kiss me, preferring instead to fixate on Poppy. ‘What a beauty,’ she cooed. ‘She looks just like you, Adam.’
‘You think?’ he said proudly, his voice still gravelly.
He took her from me and laid her in Pammie’s arms. Every part of me tingled, urging me to snatch her back again. She walked off around the room, her back to me as she looked out of the window and onto the street below. I paced like a lioness, unable to take my eyes off them. Pammie was whispering and bobbing up and down, but I couldn’t see Poppy. I knew she was there, of course she was, I just needed to see her, hold her.
‘I’ll take her now,’ I said, going up to them. ‘She needs changing.’
‘I’ve only just got her!’ Pammie laughed. ‘And what’s a dirty nappy between a nan and her granddaughter?’ She looked down at Poppy, as if she was expecting her to answer. ‘I can’t even smell anything anyways, and I’m sure I can manage to change her nappy if she needs it.’
I looked to Adam, pleading with my eyes to get my baby back, but he just turned away from me. ‘Anyone fancy a cuppa?’ he asked.
‘I’ll have one, son,’ said Pammie. ‘Are you feeding her yourself?’ she asked me.
‘Yes,’ I replied.
‘If you want to express some milk, I’d be more than happy to do the night feed tonight if you like. To give you a break.’
I shook my head. ‘That won’t be necessary.’
‘Well, maybe I can take her out in the pram for a walk? Give you and Adam some time alone? I remember how hard it was for Jim and me once the boys came along. Everything changes, and you have to work twice as hard to make it work.’
I smiled tightly.
‘Oh, I bought Poppy a little something, hope you don’t mind.’
‘Why would I mind?’ I asked wearily.
‘Well, some mums get a bit precious, don’t they? About what they want the baby to wear and how they want the baby to look.’
I shrugged my shoulders.
‘But I had to get this when I saw it, because it made me laugh so much.’
She handed me a carrier bag and watched as I pulled out a tiny white sleepsuit. ‘That’s lovely,’ I forced myself to say. ‘Thank you.’
‘Wait, you haven’t seen it yet,’ she said. ‘Look what it says on the front.’
I turned it over and held it up. If Mummy says no, I just ask Grandma was emblazoned across the chest. I flinched. ‘Isn’t that the cutest thing?’ Pammie laughed.
She may as well have bought a dog tag with Return to Grandma if found.
‘Look at what your mum bought for Poppy,’ I said to Adam, holding it up, facing him. ‘Isn’t it the cutest thing?’ I hoped my sarcasm wasn’t lost on her.
Adam smiled at me.
‘I’ll take her while you have your tea,’ I said, going towards Pammie.
She laughed. ‘I’ve had two babies myself, don’t forget, and I still managed to drink a cup of tea. I can do two things at once, you know.’
Adam laughed along with her, at me. I held my breath as she lifted the cup of hot liquid up to her lips, silently pleading with her not to spill it.
As soon as Poppy started to cry, I was up out of my chair and looming over Pammie, willing her to hand her back to me. Instead, she stuck her finger into Poppy’s mouth. ‘Goodness me, Emily, you’re like a cat on a hot tin roof. She’s fine, look, see?’
‘I’d prefer it if you didn’t do that,’ I said, as calmly as I could, whilst my insides bubbled furiously.
‘Just because she cries doesn’t mean she’s hungry,’ she said. ‘Sometimes she just wants comforting, and if this soothes her, then that can’t be a bad thing, can it?’
‘I don’t want her relying on a comforter,’ I said quietly. ‘It’s also not very hygienic.’
‘Honestly, it’s madness these days,’ she said. ‘You’re told to buy expensive sterilizing equipment and all these fancy mod cons, but in our day, it was a Milton tablet and some boiled water if you were lucky. If a dummy fell onto the floor, you just picked it up, stuck it in your own mouth, and gave it straight back to the baby. And look at my two boys now. It’s not done them any harm, has it?’
‘We’re new to this game, Mum,’ said Adam, finally sticking up for me. ‘It’s all trial and error to see what works and what doesn’t.’
I looked at him gratefully.
‘All I’m saying is, don’t get too precious. They’re hardy little things and don’t want for much. If she cries, leave her for a bit. You’ll be making a rod for your own back if you go rushing to feed her every time.’
I looked at my watch. Pammie hadn’t even been here for fifteen minutes.
Later, after forced conversation, while eating Adam’s chicken pasta, I made my excuses and went to bed, taking Poppy with me. The last thing I heard as I shut the door to my sanctuary was Pammie’s voice saying, ‘She’s not eating enough. She needs all her nutrients for the baby.’
Adam still wasn’t in bed when Poppy woke up for her midnight feed, but I thought I could hear the TV on in the lounge. I vaguely remembered him coming in later, but I wasn’t sure what time it was. I wasn’t even sure what day it was, as they all seemed to merge into one. If Poppy slept, then I slept, and all was still quiet when I woke at 6 a.m. My first thought was, Yes! She’s slept for over five hours. My second was, Shit, is she still breathing?
I leant over into her moses basket and saw her pink blanket and muslin square. I listened in the half-light for her snuffles, but the only sound was the early morning tweets of the birds. I tried to adjust my eyes, rubbing at them when the focus was still blurry. I could see the blanket and muslin, but they looked flat, as if they were lying on the mattress, without a baby in between. I sat bolt upright and thrust my hand into the cot, but it was cold and unmoving.
I ran to the light switch by the door, my legs buckling beneath me as adrenaline took hold.
‘What the—?’ cried Adam, as the room was illuminated.
I gasped as I reached the empty basket. ‘The baby. Where’s the baby?’
‘What?’ said Adam, still confused and dazed.
‘She’s not here. Poppy’s not here.’ I was sobbing and screaming in equal measure, as we collided into each other in our effort to get out of the bedroom door. ‘Pammie! Poppy!’
‘Mum?’ shouted Adam as he jumped down to the mezzanine and into the spare room. I could see from where I stood at the top of the landing that the curtains had been pulled back and the bed was made and empty.
I sank to the floor. ‘She’s taken the baby,’ I cried.
Adam rushed past me into the living room and kitchen, but I knew she wasn’t there. I could sense it.
‘She’s taken the baby,’ I cried again and again.
Adam came to me and pulled me up to my feet, gripping hold of my arms tightly. ‘Pull yourself together,’ he snapped.
I wished he would just slap me to put me out of my misery. So that I could wake up when the nightmare was over, with Poppy safely back in my arms.
‘The bitch,’ I screamed. ‘I knew she’d do this. This is what she’s been planning all along.’
‘For God’s sake, get a grip,’ said Adam.
‘I
told you. I told you she was a psycho. You wouldn’t believe me, but I was right, wasn’t I?’
‘You need to calm down and watch what you’re saying,’ he said. ‘I’m warning you.’
He called Pammie’s phone, but it just rang off.
‘Call the police,’ I said hoarsely. ‘Call the goddamn police right now.’
‘Listen to yourself,’ he yelled. ‘We’re not calling the police. Our daughter has gone out with her grandmother. It’s not a crime.’
I sat on the sofa, sobbing hysterically, my breasts seeping milk through my nightie.
‘She’s going to do something crazy, I know she is. You don’t know what she’s capable of. I swear to God, if she’s hurt Poppy, I’ll kill her.’
Every pent-up emotion rose to the surface: the hate, the hurt, but mostly the fear. The fear that I’ve carried around with me ever since I found out what she’d done to Rebecca. There was no one in the world who I hated more, and no one in the world who I was more scared of.
‘You need to find her, Adam, I swear to God.’
‘Who are you threatening?’ Adam hissed, his face close to mine. ‘I’m not even going to listen to your psychotic ramblings until you calm down.’
I watched helplessly as he pulled on jeans and a t-shirt. ‘Where are you going?’ I said.
‘Well, she couldn’t have gone far, could she? You’ll probably find she’s taken her for a walk. Wouldn’t that be something, eh?’
‘She’s done this on purpose,’ I yelled after him, as he took the stairs two at a time. ‘I hope you’re happy. You and your fucked-up family.’
I paced the flat as I waited for Adam to call, the longer he was gone, the more I was convinced that she’d done something. All I kept seeing was Pammie cradling Poppy, telling her it was going to be all right, all the time knowing it wasn’t. Adam’s mobile went straight to voicemail and I threw the phone against the wall, screaming in frustration.
‘Where are you?’ I howled, falling to my knees. I curled myself up into a ball and lay on the carpet. I couldn’t imagine being in greater pain.
I don’t know how much time had passed when my mobile rang and I scrambled to reach it, its screen now smashed into smithereens. ‘Is she okay? Have you got her?’ I asked. I held my breath as I waited for the reply.
‘Of course I’ve got her,’ said Pammie, after a long pause.
I sat up, my heart beating twice as fast as it should have been. I’d expected to hear Adam’s voice and the air felt like it was being sucked out of me.
‘Bring her back,’ I said between gritted teeth. ‘Bring her back right now.’
Pammie laughed lightly. ‘Or what?’
‘Or I’ll fucking kill you,’ I said. ‘You’ve got three minutes to get back here with my baby or I’m calling the police, and you’d better hope that they get to you before I do.’
‘Goodness me,’ she cooed. ‘I don’t understand why you’re getting so stressed. Did you not get the text I sent you earlier?’
‘What text?’ I yelled.
‘Hold on,’ she said. I heard my phone ping. ‘That one.’
I looked at the shattered screen and could just make out the words: Didn’t want to wake you. Poppy awake, so I’m going to take her to Greenwich Park. Leave you to have a lie-in. Love Pammie x
‘You’ve only just sent this,’ I hissed.
‘No dear, I sent it about an hour ago, before I even left the flat. I didn’t want you to get all worked up. Perhaps it didn’t go through straight away.’
I stared at the phone blankly. I had no words.
‘Anyways, we’re on our way back now, so should be with you within ten minutes. Am sure she’ll be hungry by then.’
The line went dead, and I hugged my knees, rocking back and forth, wondering if I was going mad.
A little while later, I heard Adam thumping up the stairs. I had no idea whether ten minutes or ten hours had passed. ‘There’s no sign of them, but I’m sure there’s a valid reason.’
He looked at me on the floor, soaked in milk, tears, and insanity. ‘They’re coming home,’ I said quietly.
I watched his shoulders relax, the tension ebb out of him, proving he wasn’t as nonchalant as he seemed. ‘Where are they?’ he asked breathlessly.
‘In Greenwich Park. It appears Pammie was doing us a favour.’ I gave a soulless laugh. ‘Who knew that your mother could be so considerate? To take our baby from beside our bed and disappear.’
‘I think you’ve said enough,’ he barked. ‘Go and get yourself cleaned up.’
‘Take control,’ is what I said to myself repeatedly, as I splashed cold water onto my puffy face. But by the time I was dabbing myself dry, I was already crying again. Who was I kidding? I didn’t have the control – she did, as she always did. I buried my face in the towel one more time, willing myself to summon the courage I needed. ‘Enough, Emily,’ I said out loud. ‘No more.’
I heard Poppy’s cry before I saw her, and rushed down the stairs towards the sound. Pammie was standing there, without a care in the world, with Poppy on her shoulder. ‘I think this missy wants feeding,’ she said, a hint of a smile on her lips.
‘Get out of my house,’ I hissed.
‘Excuse me?’ she said, before immediately dissolving into loud sobs.
Adam came rushing down the stairs. ‘What’s going on?’
‘Oh darling, I’m so sorry,’ she said. ‘I never meant to upset anyone. I thought I was being helpful . . .’
She looked up at him, her eyes imploring him to believe her, but I already knew he did.
I snatched Poppy from her and went to go back upstairs. ‘That bitch better not be here when I come back out,’ I said to Adam.
I stormed into the bedroom, slamming the door behind me, got Poppy latched on, and sobbed until I couldn’t sob anymore.
42
Adam and I had barely exchanged a word in the two weeks between Pammie’s visit and James and Kate’s wedding. I’d wanted to talk to him, to tell him everything, but as I went through the catalogue of events in my head, it occurred to me that she’d ensured that I’d look like the evil, paranoid liar every time. There wasn’t one occasion when it wasn’t my word against hers, and not only would my claims make me look bitter, they’d make me out to be a psychopath myself. I had Poppy to think about now, I couldn’t take that risk.
‘I’m not going today,’ I said, as he was getting his morning suit on.
‘Fine,’ he said. ‘But I’m taking Poppy.’
My legs wobbled. This was what I was most afraid of.
‘You won’t want her there,’ I said softly. ‘She’ll only tie you down, you should be enjoying yourself today. It’s your brother’s wedding.’
He shook his head as he did up the top button of his shirt. ‘You can do what you like, but I’m taking her.’
There was no way that Poppy was going without me. I slowly went to the wardrobe and picked out my purple-print dress, still in its dry-cleaning wrapper. I’d worn it once before, earlier in my pregnancy, and its pull-in waist gave me enough room for manoeuvre over my post-baby belly without making me look too fat.
‘Will this do?’ I asked, holding it up against me, knowing that I needed to make an effort. If I was going to have to endure a day with his family, I at least needed him to be talking to me.
He nodded with a hint of a smile, though I’m not sure whether it was self-satisfaction or relief.
We exchanged superficial small talk in the car on the way there, commenting on ridiculous things such as the weather and the price of property. I stood on the pavement as he lifted Poppy out of her car seat, and he took my hand as we turned and walked towards the church. I allowed myself a little smile at the thought of Pammie seeing our united front, even if I didn’t believe it myself.
Sure enough, her face twitched as she saw us walking towards her and James, arms already outstretched to embrace her son. We didn’t even bother to acknowledge each other.
‘James,’
I said tightly. He leant over for an awkward peck on the cheek.
‘Hey, big man,’ he said to Adam, shaking his hand.
‘Nervous?’ said Adam.
‘Terrified.’ James laughed.
‘How’s Kate doing?’ Adam asked.
I didn’t hear his answer. I thought of the email sitting in my drafts folder.
Dear Kate,
I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to write to you, but I’ve been trying to think of the right words to say.
We hardly know each other, yet we already share so much. You probably know by now that committing yourself to the Banks clan brings about a problem that you should never underestimate.
Your love for James will be called into question time and time again as you encounter the barriers that are put in front of you. No stone will be left unturned in the attempt to get you out of his life. No act too wicked to belittle you, intimidate you, and make you feel worthless.
It’s not too late to see the mistake you’re making. I’m only thinking of you. Get out now while you still can.
Emily x
I remembered the phone calls I’d made, only to put the phone down when I heard her voice at the other end. I’d wanted to be there for Kate, to tell her that I understood everything she was going through, to put a stop to the hell she was no doubt already experiencing. But I was too weak. I didn’t want her life to be ruined, like mine had. I didn’t want her character to be changed beyond all recognition. It was too late for me, and it was too late for Rebecca, but I could save Kate, if I could just find the strength.
The vicar’s words were swirling around in my head, as if he was talking underwater. Or maybe I was the one drowning.
‘If any person present knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage, he or she should declare it now.’
I steadied myself against Adam as my legs threatened to buckle, leaning into his taut frame, trying to pretend that everything was just fine. He felt my weight and turned to look at me with a concerned raise of the eyebrows, but I smiled weakly back. He doesn’t know the thoughts whirring frantically in my brain, desperately trying to find a way out, searching for an outlet for the bitterness and betrayal that engulfs me.
