Right.
Why couldn't she have met Sam after vet school? The timing for this relationship sucked. Really, really sucked.
Tori grabbed a tissue from the console and blew her nose. She had to get her act together. She had to get her life together.
Backing the car out of the parking space, she headed for the apartment. Sam was coming over tonight. She bit her lip as tears blurred her vision again; she dashed them away with the tissue.
She'd have to cool things with him and not look back. And somehow, some way, she'd ignore the empty hole in her chest where her heart had once beat.
***
Tonight was the night. Tonight he was going to ask Tori to marry him.
Sam knocked on Tori's front door and waited, rolling back and forth on the balls of his feet. A ridiculous nervous tension stretched his body taut, spiking his adrenaline, making him edgy as hell. A fine film of sweat beaded on his forehead. He impatiently swiped it away.
Goddamnit, Garza! Get it together, man.
The door swung open and Tori stood on the threshold. "Oh, you're early. I'm almost ready. Come on in."
Sam walked into the apartment, kicked the door closed and pulled Tori into his arms, kissing her soundly. She tasted sweet and hot. He was addicted to her kisses. He was addicted to the woman.
Tori's head fell back, and she had that dazed look in her eyes that Sam loved so well. Her tongue darted out and she licked her lips, as if savoring the flavor of his kiss. And just like that he was hard and ready.
"Hey, babe." He tightened his hold and kissed her again. How had he ever survived before Tori had come into his life?
After a moment, she pushed away and smoothed her hands down her black sheath dress, then automatically finger-combed her hair. "Let me finish my make-up, then I'll be ready to go." She turned toward the hall leading to her bedroom.
"Wait!" It was now or never, Sam thought. The suspense was killing him. He had to ask her now to put himself out of his misery. He wanted a yes; she had to say yes.
Tori turned back toward him, a question in her eyes. "What is it? What's the matter? Oh, God. It's your mother, isn't it?"
"No, Mom's fine. Well, as fine as can be expected." He took her hand in his and brought it to his lips. Her pulse fluttered beneath his mouth, and her eyes searched his.
"Then what is it?" Her hand played nervously with the sapphire pendant he'd given her last Christmas.
Straightening to his full height, Sam squeezed her fingers before letting go of her hand. Digging in his coat pocket for the black velvet box, he pulled it out and snapped it open.
Tori gasped and her eyes widened as she looked from the large emerald-cut solitaire to Sam and back to the ring again.
He cleared his throat. "I've never said the words, but you have to know I love you with all my heart."
Her eyes snapped to his, and she exhaled on a sob. One hand covered her mouth, while the other pressed against her stomach. "Oh, Sam." A single teardrop ran down one smooth cheek. "Oh, Sam," she whispered.
With hands not quite steady, he took the ring from the box and offered it to the woman he loved so desperately. "Will you marry me, Miss Victoria McCade?"
"Oh, God . . . Oh, Sam . . ." Tears were falling in earnest now. That was a good sign, right?
He tried to take her hand again, but she snatched it away and hid it behind her back. A rock lodged in his chest as agitation coursed uneasily through his bloodstream. Oh, hell. Pulling her hand from his wasn't a good sign. Confusion mingled with panic. Sam clenched his jaw, trying not to betray his anxiety. "Tori? I asked you to be my wife. Aren't you going to give me an answer?"
Tears glistened in her eyes and spiked her long lashes. She bit her lip so hard Sam thought she might taste blood. His ribcage tightened painfully over his pounding heart.
Goddamnit! She was going to refuse.
"Oh, Sam. You don't know how sorry I am, but I can't marry you." She covered her face with both hands and wept. "Oh, God. I'm so sorry. So sorry."
Shock held him silent a moment; he couldn't believe what he was hearing. The rock in his chest turned into a boulder pressing against his heart so hard he couldn't breathe. Never in a million years had he thought Tori would refuse him. "You can't marry me? Or you won't?" Anger was fast replacing shock. What the hell did she mean she couldn't marry him? "Are you saying you don't love me?"
She shook her head, swiping the tears from her eyes. "No, I--"
"You don't love me." His voice sounded flat and dead in his ears. His whole world came crashing down around him. How could he have miscalculated so badly?
Tori reached out a hand and clasped his wrist. "Yes, I do love you. But . . . I can't marry you. At least, not right now."
He jerked his hand away. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
Tori crossed her arms against her chest and hugged herself. Her lips trembled when she tried to smile at him. He certainly didn't feel like smiling right now. He didn't know if he'd ever smile again.
"Can we sit down and discuss this like two civilized adults?" she asked, her voice soft and hesitant.
"I don't feel very civilized at the moment." Sam jabbed the ring back into the velvet box and stuffed it in his coat pocket. He followed Tori to the sofa, sat down stiff and straight, and waited. He clamped his jaw so tight, his teeth hurt.
The ball was in her court now. After all these months, he should be used to losing control around her. Control of his emotions. Control of his body. Control of the situation he now found himself in.
"So, what do you mean 'not right now'?" He forced himself to speak in a low calm voice, instead of shouting in anger and frustration. He felt the cords in his neck stretch taut.
Tori twisted her hands in her lap, her head bent, her eyes lowered. Her chest heaved and her breath quivered as she searched to find the words to explain. Sam didn't know if any words could explain. "I've been having trouble keeping up with my classes since we've been dating," she said.
"What kind of trouble?" Sometimes, he forgot she was still going to school. With the attention he had to give his mother, his time with Tori was so limited they didn't waste any of it on small talk. With a feeling not unlike guilt, he realized every time he saw Tori, he usually rushed her into bed as quickly as possible.
She plucked at the skirt of her dress and hesitated so long, he thought she wasn't going to answer. Suddenly, the hairs on the back of his neck prickled. She raised tear-drenched eyes to his and the anguish in their blue depths nearly sucker-punched him. He wasn't the only one suffering here. Something deeper was going on. But what?
"My GPA is the lowest it's ever been," she said. Her lips trembled. "I . . . I can't afford to neglect my studies any longer or I won't graduate."
Sam's breath stalled in his lungs as the meaning of her words hit him. "So, you're saying instead of getting married, we need to cool it, is that it? Were you planning to break up? To stop seeing me, stop being with me? For God's sake, you just told me you loved me."
"I do love you, Sam. You don't understand!"
Tension hummed down his spine as he waited for her next words. He wasn't stupid. He could see where she was going with this. But damn it! He didn't want to see. He tried to breathe evenly and maintain control, but found his eyes narrowing on her anyway. "Explain it to me then."
"I'll try." She stiffened her spine and sat up straight. "You see, studying to be a veterinarian isn't just something I want to do. It's something I have to do, need to do. If I marry you now, deep down I know I'll get sidetracked and won't finish my degree. I can't lose my focus; I can't lose my dream."
Sam blew out a pent up breath, praying for patience. "Tori, a lot of people get married and still go to school and earn degrees. I don't see any reason why you couldn't do it, too."
"Don't you? If I'm having trouble keeping up with my classes while dating you, I'm fairly certain being married would make it that much harder. For the next four years, I need to concentrate on getting my deg
ree. Most people don't realize how grueling vet school can be. I can't afford distractions of any kind."
Sam stared at her, the impact of her words jarring him. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "And I'm a distraction?"
She bit her lip again. "I'd be lying if I said you weren't. I do love you, Sam. Truly, I do."
He gritted his teeth and attempted to keep the bitterness from his tone. "Obviously, not enough."
She watched him steadily. "I love you with all my heart. But say I agreed to marry you? Look at the logistics. I can't stay here in Dallas, and I certainly don't want to move to New York."
A cold fury flared inside of him. "Goddamn it, I'm not asking you to move to New York. Although, I don't see why you can't be a veterinarian anywhere."
"Well, I can't." She shook her head and her golden curls shimmered around her face. "For more years than I can count, it's been a given I would take over Doc's practice. The people in and around Salt Fork are counting on me. I can't let them down. I can't let Doc down, and I can't let myself down."
"So, you're letting me down instead."
She raised tear-stricken eyes at him. "Oh, Sam . . . I never meant to let you down."
No way could he let her know how much she was killing him. How those tears affected him. He crossed his arms over his chest. "Just calling it as I see it, babe."
More tears threatened to spill. She grabbed a tissue from the box on the side-table and dabbed her eyes. "Sam, I do want to marry you. I'm just asking for a little time."
Sam lunged up from the sofa and paced around the living room. He needed an outlet for the hot anger boiling in his gut. "Four years is not a little time, Tori."
"In the big scheme of things, it is."
"Damn it! Anything can happen in four years' time. Life can throw some hellacious curve balls. Look how my father died so suddenly. Look at my mom. I don't want to lose you, too. I can't lose you."
Tori's stomach sank and her heart beat painfully in her chest. "You're not playing fair."
"Fuck playing fair!"
Tori flinched at the anger in Sam's voice, the rage emanating from him. She grabbed a stuffed pillow from the sofa and hugged it to her, keeping her head tilted down with her long hair shielding her face. How had her life become so complicated? How could it have blown out of control like this? She'd always been so focused on her plans, her goals . . . until she'd met Sam. She tried to keep the tears from falling again. She'd have plenty of time to cry after this. "I know how much you've been hurt; how much you're hurting with your mom."
"Do you, Tori? Do you really? Look at me, damn it!" Sam stopped pacing and stood directly in front of her. When she lifted her gaze, he stared at her out of those mocha-colored eyes.
Tori gripped the pillow tighter to her chest. "I never meant to add to your hurt. When we first started dating, both of us wanted to keep it simple, uncomplicated. Remember?"
"All I remember is that I wanted you from the first moment I saw you." His smooth deep voice washed over her, tempting her to toss her goals and dreams aside, anything to keep Sam in her life.
She had to be strong, had to keep the ultimate prize in sight. She inhaled a deep shaky breath. She could do this; she had to pursue her degree. Without distraction. Without Sam. "That was lust, not love," she said dismissively.
He nodded and one corner of his lips tilted in a half-smile. "Pure and simple."
That almost-smiled tugged at her heartstrings. She gritted her teeth. She had to be brave and keep to her resolve. "Right. Lust, pure and simple. Not complicated in the least. Except I didn't count on falling in love with you."
He reached down and touched her hair, moving his hand lower and cupping her jaw. His voice was soft, almost a whisper. "But you did fall in love with me. And now you're ready to throw it all away. I don't understand, babe."
Tori cringed inside, because the reality of throwing it all away made her heart ache unmercifully. "I don't want to throw it completely away. I want you in my life. I do love you. But I know how I am, how it's been with me since I started dating you. I don't have what it takes to get married and finish school at the same time. I can't risk it. I have to finish school. I have to be a vet."
He stepped back, and she immediately felt the loss of his touch, the loss of the familiar heat of his body. How would she survive without Sam? Cooling things off with him--breaking up--was the most difficult thing she'd ever had to do.
He stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I don't want to lose you. I love you too much."
Every time he said he loved her, a little of Tori's resolve chipped away. "You won't lose me. You just have to let me go for a little while."
Sam's brows slanted in a frown again. "Your concept of time is intriguing. Again, four years is not a little while."
She lifted her chin. "If our love can't survive for four years, then it's not very strong, and we're not meant to be together. You have to trust in the strength of our feelings for one another."
"Life's a crap shoot, and I don't think I can do that." Sam reached out a hand and pulled her to her feet. "So I guess this is goodbye, babe."
Tori searched the rugged features she'd come to love so well. His face looked carved from stone, he held his sculpted lips firmly together, his mouth in a flat line. She could see the blood visibly beating in the taut cords in his neck. She swallowed a sob. "Not goodbye forever. Not forever, Sam."
"I think it's probably for the best." His voice was low and raspy.
"But . . ."
"You can't have it both ways, babe." He kissed her one last time, and Tori felt all the pent up passion, anger and fury. Sam ravaged her mouth--devouring, branding, marking her. It was like he was making sure she'd never forget what she'd thrown away.
He jerked his mouth from hers and set her away from him. "Good bye, Tori."
She stayed where she was, touching trembling fingers to her lips. The front door slammed behind him, and she crumpled to the sofa, tears and sobs consuming her.
My God! What had she done?
CHAPTER EIGHT
Tori had less than a month to get her academic record straightened out. She talked to her advisors and professors, focused all her energy on her classes, then studied for finals like she'd never studied before. She passed with respectable grades and finalized the paperwork for vet school, but every moment of every day, she felt as if something vital had been yanked from her soul; something essential lost forever.
Finally, everything was set in motion to begin the next phase of the rest of her life. She should be ecstatic, right? Instead, it all seemed anticlimactic. She missed Sam. She ached for Sam.
During those last hectic weeks before graduation, she'd tried her best not to think about him. Tried not to second-guess about whether she'd done the right thing. Whether she'd ruined her one chance for true love.
When he'd said they'd make a clean break, he hadn't been kidding. No phone calls, no emails, no texts. No nothing. That's what she'd wanted, wasn't it? Then why was she hurting so badly? Why did her heart feel so battered, so empty?
How many times had she picked up her phone, ready to call him, ready to tell him she'd made a mistake? Tell him all that mattered was their love for one another? That everything else wasn't important? How many times had she put it down again, because she knew she'd only feel half-alive if she didn't become a vet? But without Sam in her life, she felt empty and dead, so what did it matter?
Her brain was like one of those hamster wheels, always turning, never getting anywhere. She went round and round in her mind about Sam and school, fluctuating back and forth but never finding a workable solution.
Graduation came and went. Tori greeted her family who had driven in from the ranch to see her walk and receive her diploma. She'd pasted on a smile and hoped they wouldn't think anything amiss. She'd never told them about Sam, and she wanted to keep it that way. She didn't need her brothers going all macho and protective about their baby sister. She didn't want their pity, didn't want
her mother's well-meaning sympathy, either. She was hanging on to her sanity and nerves by a mere thread as it was. One word or look of commiseration, and she'd be a blubbering basket case.
So when they finally left to go back to the Diamondback Ranch, Tori felt a little guilty waving goodbye. Guilty and glad she didn't have to pretend to be cheerful all the time.
She would see her family soon enough when she returned to Salt Fork to work with Doc Pritchard at his clinic during the summer months. Then she'd be headed to College Station and A&M and her future.
But first, she had to help Raenell get married. Tori had promised to throw a bridal shower for her friend, and that kept her busy during those first days after graduation. After that, there were dress fittings for the bridesmaids, and all manner of details Tori volunteered to do in preparation for the wedding. It kept her hands busy and her mind occupied during the days.
Nights were another matter. Sam invaded her dreams now more than ever. From the moment her head hit the pillow to the blast of the morning alarm on her cell phone, images of Sam bombarded her sleepy thoughts making her restless and edgy and wanting. She would remember his smile that never failed to warm her heart, the heat in his brown eyes that never failed to ignite a hunger in her blood. His consideration and gentleness when they'd first made love, then later the wild unleashed passion when he lost control and touched her very soul. His continued tenderness taking care in his mother, the strength and bravery he showed in the face of her impending death.
Was it any wonder she threw herself whole-heartedly into the preparations for Raenell's wedding? She pushed herself and worked like a Trojan, always with the hope that maybe she'd be so tired she'd fall into bed too exhausted to dream. It sounded good in theory, yet sucked in reality. But she kept busy and worked hard, just the same.
Tori managed to avoid bumping into Sam for almost a month, all the while steeling herself for the inevitable confrontation, what with both of them being in the wedding party and all. She would have to see and interact with him during the wedding rehearsal, the rehearsal dinner, the actual ceremony and reception. She hoped to God she could stand by her decision, because not seeing Sam was killing her.
The Cowgirl's Secret (The Diamondback Ranch Series #) Page 12
