Griffin was right where I left him, sitting on the dais, staring at her throne like he could will her back to life. The only difference now was the line of empty whiskey bottles beside him, keeping him and his demons company. I slipped down beside him, reaching out for the bottle poised on his lips. He let out a grunt of protest as I removed it from his grip, taking a sip for myself. My features twisted in disgust, glancing at the bottle label to find he had conjured the highest proof alcohol he could think of.
“How’s oblivion working for you?” I held the bottle back out to him, watching him take another deep swig. This time, however, he passed it back to me so I could follow suit. It stung less the second time, but it didn’t taste any better. Not that taste was the thing Griffin was savoring right now. If he was feeling anything like I was, he was chasing numbness.
Being numb gave us an excuse to not feel the things we did for Valentina. And I hated to admit it but right now I found myself relating to Griffin Kovaleski.
“Haven’t caught up to it yet.” He emptied the bottle before staring at it long and hard. Before our eyes, it refilled itself with more glistening amber liquid and Griffin sipped again. Did being immortal influence how alcohol affected me? I took another sip, another, and I still wasn’t feeling any less sober than I had been when I first sat down. Taking a deep breath, I chugged, watching the fill line sink lower and lower as I swallowed copious amounts. An average man would be feeling something by now but all the alcohol was doing was driving home the point that I was chasing ghosts.
As I pried the bottle from my lips the liquid refilled itself for Griffin as he took it back, "Takes a while," he said quietly, swirling the contents around watching them like they were a hurricane. Maybe for him they were, maybe the alcohol was his way of finding the eye of the storm where all the chaos receded and he could hear himself think again. I needed that, desperately.
"Would she want you to be doing this?" The words slipped out faster with an edge of judgement than I intended for them to do. I was in no place to judge him, after all, chasing my own demons with whiskey. But I knew Valentina had worked hard to sober him up, to save him and all her work was undone in a single night of weakness. Maybe it wasn't so much judgement, but concern. What a strange thought - me concerned for Griffin.
"Probably not. But I don't give a bloody-" Whatever he was about to say was garbled as he chugged back more alcohol.
"Me neither," I agreed, summoning my own bottle this time. We could race each other to oblivion and back, maybe there we'd find solace or at least answers.
"I loved her, you know."
"I do." That knot in the pit of my stomach returned, this was going to go from drinking in camaraderie to something else and I knew I wasn't equipped for playing therapist. I worried about drinking. If I kept my lips busy, I wouldn't have to speak.
"When I first woke up in this place, knowing who and what I was, I was sure it was the universe's way of playing a cruel joke on me. Fate was laughing in my face as it reminded me that as a God of Death, I would never be able to be loved or love. And I met Valentina and for a fleeting moment, I doubted myself. I doubted that voice in the back of my head that told me all my life I didn't deserve the kind of happiness she brought me. I've made a lot of mistakes and poor choices, I've struggled against my God instead of working with him but Valentina didn't care. She helped me believe and now I've lost her. What am I supposed to do now? Go on, live in the face of the fact that I don't deserve love and fate was cold enough to give it to me long enough to make me believe before snatching it away? I can live without the intimacy of another person in my bed, but Valentina was much more than that. She was the other half of my soul and now it feels like someone's ripped it away, shattering that other half that belonged to me all along."
I looked over at him sadly as he spoke, relating more to his words than I ever thought I would. Maybe after all this time the reason I had disliked Griffin was because I saw parts of myself in him and I hated seeing them reflected at me.
"I can't tell you how to go on Griffin, I don't think anyone can if you decide you don't want to. But in this place... Especially here, she's not dead. Not entirely. There will always be an echo of her goodness in these walls and you have to decide if you're man enough to live for both of you in the way she would've wanted you to live." That was some deep therapeutic crap that I had no idea where it was coming from. I silenced myself with another deep slug of the alcohol. This time it burned all the way to my stomach and through my veins. Maybe I was numbing finally.
"I grew up with a father who loved for show. He had a wife, and a son, and a house with a white picket fence. But we were a show for him. You know that generic picture you get in a picture frame when you buy new? That's what we were. Something for him to put on his desk and claim with false pride when clients asked him about himself. But he didn't love us. No... He loved me in a sick, twisted way where he loved having an heir to his family name. But he didn't love me, and the things he didn't love about me, he tried to squash. And he didn't love my mother. I watched her cry herself to sleep for most of my childhood because my father was out sleeping with another woman or two. I swore to myself I would never let myself let someone fall in love with me that deeply that I could hurt them because in the end, the man I hated... I became. I thought I didn't deserve Savannah's love either because I believed deep down inside I was going to hurt her and crush her soul the way my father did my mother's. I tried to push her away and save her from me, but she persisted. The way Valentina persisted for you. Because Griffin, at the end of the day. We all deserve love. We all deserve someone who is going to fight for us and never give up." I clapped him on the shoulder as I stood with a sway, "Valentina deserves someone who is going to fight for her and never give up. Don't you forget."
He stared at me, his brow furrowed as he considered what I was saying to him. I hoped it made sense; it made sense to me. It made me realize what I had been doing to Savannah all over again. Pushing her away. I needed to tell her and apologize. I couldn't be selfish that I took her down in my own commiseration.
I turned to leave the throne room, stopping and staring at the woman hovering in the threshold, a broken smile on her lips but her eyes glowing with love. She'd heard every word. I swallowed hard and walked to her, cupping her face as I looked at her.
"I'm never going to give up on you Aidan, no matter how many times you screw up and think you don't deserve me or I don't deserve you. I'm not going to give up." I nodded, leaning down and kissing her softly. It was a chaste kiss, merely a brush of lips as our foreheads pressed together and I closed my eyes. Telling her how I was feeling was on the tip of my tongue. But opening that flood gate I feared would wash out many dark secrets I still wasn't ready to tell.
She deserved to know but I couldn't allow myself to be vulnerable. It was a petty fear, but one that ruled over me with an iron fist. She might not give up on me now while I still held it together but if I fell apart in her hands and showed her how deep my insecurities ran, would she still be here or would she realize the mess she had chosen as her own?
No, I needed to be strong and perfect for us both. I couldn't put that kind of heavy weight on her knowing she would crumble under the slightest pressures and doubt. I kissed her again and drew back.
"We need to come up with a plan, let's call everyone together again and we'll get started." Savannah read my mind, perhaps spurred on by my passionate speech to Griffin. Valentina wouldn't want us to grieve her, she would want us to fight and save the things she loved as much as we loved her - us. Basking in our own self-pity wasn't going to stop Asher from whatever smug plan he was enacting. He had taken our home and now it was time to get it back.
Chapter 8
It didn't take long to fill the throne room with our fellow Gods. Savannah helped get Griffin onto the throne where he could sit and not fall while I was left to congregate everyone into a semblance of order. I conjured chairs, waiting until everyone was seated before return
ing to Savannah's side on the dais. A hush grew over the crowd as I looked over the faces that with every passing day went from being familiar to family.
"Listen, in light of everything that has happened in the last 24 hours, I think it's important we acknowledge what has happened. We're at war." Everyone turned to look at me and the severity of my position hit me. This was my moment of truth, this was my make or break moment as a leader. If I was truly meant to be King of the Gods, this was the moment that would prove it.
"Unfortunately, we're at a disadvantage. We've been assailed upon by someone who knows more about us than we do ourselves. And the only person who appeared like he would help us has been in Asher's pocket this entire time. So, we should decide what we're going to do, how we're going to do it and who is in."
"I didn't sign up for war." I scanned the crowd, looking for the face attached to the voice but found nothing. Whoever had spoken didn't want to stand and show themselves as the face of cowardice.
"I didn't either." My stomach dropped slightly as I worked furiously to find who these people were. Was I hearing things? I turned to face Savannah but she looked disheartened too.
"Maybe it's better we give him Olympus and go back to our normal lives." The idea made my blood run cold, or perhaps that was Zeus' reaction. Turning over Olympus didn't seem like a plan. Not when I knew the full extent of my son's hunger for power. If we rolled over and gave him the materialistic things he wanted it would only be a matter of days, if not hours, before he tried to take what he wanted - our powers. None of these people before me would survive, he wouldn't let it. The idea of leaving one stone unturned from which a rebellion could be incited would never be something Asher would be careless enough to do. He would make us extinct and claim his place as God of all - Gods, Titans and man.
"That's what he wants." Savannah straightened at my side, steeling her spine and taking my hand to convey our agreement. "He wants us to give up, to accept what he wants and the future he envisions as inevitable. But we can't." She was firm; it wasn't a question. "If we give ourselves over to him, give him exactly what he wants, he will destroy - not only the world we grew up in - but the world we now know as our home. He will destroy us, our magic and all hope. Is that what you want?"
"I don't want to die, that's for sure." Another anonymous voice rose about the gathering and I inhaled sharply, resisting the deep furrow longing to etch itself on my brow. Here we were, actual Greek Gods, and yet they still were cowardly in the face of uncertainty.
"But if you do turn yourselves over to him - you will die!"
"You don't know that for sure. None of us know for sure what will happen. The only thing we can do is turn ourselves over, make a peace treaty with him and hope for the best."
"Hope for the best?" I couldn't help the snarl of disbelief lacing my tone. It was cold and cruel but I didn't care. Not right now when these people, my so-called family, wanted to turn themselves over to a singular Demi-God with grandiose dreams of ruling the world. "Do you hear how asinine your suggestion is? Hope for the best, like Asher has at all given you an ideal to hope for in all this. He let Valentina die! The reason we had to bury our own today was because of him and you want to hope for the best!" Savannah reached for me but I was too incensed. I stepped off the dais and walked away. Alright, I stormed away. Like a toddler amid a temper tantrum but I knew if I stayed there and said what I was thinking, I would come off like a tyrant instead of a democratic leader.
I could still hear the intake of breath from Griffin when I said her name, hear his footsteps as he rose and left the room unable to deal with the raw nerves these plans were strumming. I couldn't blame him. If I could, I would've run away as well. When had I become equipped to deal with the problems of life and death of innocent people? My heart pounded painfully under my ribs at the thought of having to bury her. Hours ago, these people wanted retribution, what had happened?
I needed a minute to gather myself, to tame Zeus and become one with him again before his unruly temper led me astray. It was a leader's job to convince these people my plan was the right one. Rightfully, they were scared. I couldn't lose my temper over those kinds of mortal emotions.
One deep breath and another, I found myself growing calmer once more.
When I returned to the throne room, there was a buzz as people spoke over top of each other. Savannah had lost control of the audience as they debated heatedly the topic of what to do. When I stepped back before them, the noise dulled as people waited respectfully for what I was going to say.
"Alright, I'm going to hear everyone's point of view. We're going to come up with a solution." It seemed like a diplomatic enough of a solution. Gods, was I wrong.
It went on for what seemed like hours. Person after person stood condemning the idea to fight this God who knew more about us than we did him. They were scared, they were worried and a lot of them were downright human. They didn't want to be a part of this fight, they hadn't asked for it and they hadn't been told it would be expected of them. These were the people who were passive in everything they did in their former lives. People who were content to sit back and watch their life unfold before them without having much say over what happened. Or perhaps having a say but not caring to be open about it.
There were a few on my side, the same few I would've expected to be there. All the Olympians were beside me. Perhaps if Renae was still here, she would've taken the stand of peace with everyone else but otherwise it was us eleven against everyone else.
Savannah looked forlorn when I turned to her, she hadn't expected this many to be against us as well. At least there was that. It was overwhelming though, at least for me. It was a sick confirmation of every thought I had ever bore against myself was true. I wasn't a good enough leader to convince these people to follow me into a battle. I couldn't offer them the kind of safety and peace they required in my assurances. I couldn't compel them with my words to join me by inciting a deep seeded need for justice. I wasn't good enough and I wasn't going to get on my hands and knees to beg these people to believe in me.
"Alright," I said with a slow nod, feeling the tension grow in Savannah's stance next to me. "You're right."
"Aidan-"
I ignored her, pushing onwards in my speech, "You're right. I can't guarantee anyone's safety, I can't guarantee peace when all of this is over, I can't guarantee anything to any of you. I'm not going to try. If this is what you want, this is what we'll do. The Gods before us failed by their hubris in believing each of their own opinion was the right one. I won't make the same mistake. If the consensus is we should turn ourselves over, then that is what we're going to do."
"Aidan, don't." I didn't listen to her, she spoke but it felt like a buzzing in the back of my head as everyone began to talk at the same time. Some arguing like Savannah was trying to do, others beginning to make their plans for what they intended to do once we turned ourselves over. They didn't bother to try and hide the fact they didn't believe in me anymore.
I couldn't help but think maybe the majority knew something I didn't. Maybe there was a reason people were against my plan because there was wisdom in their own decision that I was overlooking. So many people couldn't be wrong - could they?
Before I knew it, people were out of their seats and filing out of the room to pack. Not that there was much here for them to gather. I felt like the plan was half-hearted but there was no one left, save several of the Olympians looking at me like I had failed them. There had never been a right answer, I realized. I was always going to let someone down. But I hated seeing the disappointment in Savannah's eyes when I turned to look at her. Letting her down was worse than letting every single person in the universe down.
It dawned on me I still had one last page in my book I could use to spare these people the inevitable hardships of the future. There was only one person Asher wanted... It went against my ego and my instincts for self-preservation but if I turned myself over, and willingly offered him my magic... Maybe Asher w
ould spare me and I could still live a happily ever after with Savannah and everyone else would be free to finish their lives as they were destined to do.
I resolved this was what I was going to do. If I turned myself over to Asher, he would have what he wanted. He would be God of the Gods and he would be the most powerful of us all. It would stop the excessive destruction of the world and he could move forward into whatever his goal was.
"Aidan." Savannah's sharp voice drew me back to reality as I turned to look at her. "How could you do that? We had a plan. I thought..." She frowned more. I hated the way unhappiness twisted her face. It was my fault she looked like that.
"I can't rally people who don't want to be rallied," I growled in frustration. "I'm not going to stand here and use magic to force scared people into risking their lives for something without a guarantee." My voice was harsh, my tone cold as I spoke. By the way Savannah flinched away from me, I felt bad immediately for taking it out on her. But she had to see these people weren't going to fall into line behind me and help our cause. There was no point in trying to get their help either if they didn't believe in me. Forcing people to join a war ended only with soldiers unwilling to stand and fight for the cause.
As for me, I wasn't willing to be the kind of leader who demanded blind obedience either. Our magic might rely on the faith of humans to be effective but my own faith was based on how others felt about me and whether I could make something happened.
Savannah looked disappointed as she nodded her head before turning and walking away. I knew immediately I shouldn't have gone off on her. She was trying to do the right thing, her heart - although sometimes misplaced - was usually in the right spot. She believed in me where others didn't, and she was hoping I would be willing to get people to go along with what we were hoping to accomplish but I couldn't see how it could be done. How could I do something others blatantly didn't believe I could do. Maybe it was best I do it alone. Maybe it was best if I went to Olympus and tried to negotiate with Asher. I could turn myself over to Asher and come what may while saving the others.
Grace of Gods Boxset: Reincarnated Greek Gods YA/NA Series Page 77
