by Vivian Arend
And obviously that had been a lot more one-sided than she’d thought.
By the time the girls banged on her door, she’d cleared room around the coffee table and had music playing on her iPod.
Shannon glanced around, wrinkling her nose momentarily. “Dibs on unpacking the kitchen.”
“Janey and me are going to do her bedroom,” Liz announced, setting two paper bags on the coffee table. “We’ve got it all figured out. We work for two songs, then we stop and have a drink.”
The sheer determination on her friend’s face brought a smile to Janey’s lips. “At some point we’ll either run out of boxes, or we’ll be so tipsy we’ll be falling into them.”
“Then we’ll crash on your couch. It won’t be the first time,” Shannon said.
“It won’t be the last, either.” Liz lifted a bottle in the air. “I can’t think of anything I’d rather be doing on my Friday night than spend it with friends.”
The momentary rumble of pain that struck was shut down instantly, because that was the only option. Friday nights were not about Len anymore, they were going to be a whole new adventure heading forward.
With friends helping, the burden of unpacking was reduced to a doable task. Janey paused to look out the window of the apartment, still momentarily surprised to see city streetlights instead of the green grass of her backyard.
Her world had changed, and she just had to get used to it.
“You’ve got everything in place with the new job?” Shannon asked.
Janey nodded, turning back to see her friend carry in the final armful of clothing for the closet. “Brad and I worked out a schedule. We’ve got the legal stuff all done up, and we’re booked solid for three weeks straight, and that’s without doing any advertising.”
“Or adding in managing the emergencies here at the apartment,” Liz pointed out. “I think you ended up with a damn good situation.”
Janey had to agree. “It’s a little strange not being solely in charge of my time, but this is far more practical for the long run. And Brad has turned out to be awesome to work with. I can’t believe I thought he was a stick in the mud.”
Shannon raised a brow. “Do I detect a note of interest in your voice?”
Janey was liquored up enough to let a loud burst of laughter escape. “Oh, hell no. I’m glad he’s a hard worker, but I’m not looking for anyone right now. Not like that.”
Her friends exchanged glances before turning back with knowing smiles. “Sometimes the strangest things happen just out of the blue,” Liz suggested.
Janey shook her head. She was moving forward in other areas, but it was going to take longer than a few days to get over Len. “If it happens, when it happens, that’s fine. But right now, I’m excited about settling into town properly. I always thought I’d be leaving at some point, so it’s nice to be able to set down roots for good.”
Shannon patted her on the shoulder, and they turned back to the living room, Liz raising the bottle in the air.
“I think it’s time for a classic movie,” Shannon suggested. “Now that we’ve arranged your living room into the ultimate television-watching experience.”
Janey snickered as she glanced around the crowded space. “The ultimate? We need to work on your life experiences.”
Her friend clicked her tongue. “Only three steps between the refrigerator and the couch? Sounds like my idea of heaven.”
She grabbed the control and went searching for one of their favourite movies, and as Janey settled on the couch with junk food spread on the table at their feet, she took a deep breath and faced the future.
And tried to ignore the part inside that insisted on wondering what Len was up to that night.
The list of solid, logical reasons he’d thought buying Janey’s house was a good idea escaped him. What he felt was numbing pain, and all he saw was carrying on into the future, day after day, with nothing to bring him happiness.
And every new day would simply be a repeat of the one before. Something constantly missing from his life.
The worst was down at the shop. As if they’d talked about it ahead of time, not a single one of his brothers came forward to call him a stupid shit. Maybe if they had they could get the lingering tension over with sooner, but instead work went on as usual. Repetitive jobs were completed day after day accompanied by a bit of the joking—none of that had vanished. Len remained silent, not usually a big part of it anyway, staying on the fringes.
Until the guys would suddenly pause in the middle of whatever they’d been joking about, as if remembering he’d done something they didn’t understand, and everything would go silent for long enough to be awkward before they turned back to their jobs.
Only his typical silence spared him from getting harassed by people all over town, but he got the looks. And the looks were powerful.
He stopped in at the café for lunch. Tessa seated him and handed him a menu without even flirting. “Specials are on the billboard.”
“Just a regular,” Len ordered.
Tessa stomped off without a word, and Len stared out the window at the rain-wetted sidewalk. This wasn’t what he had thought would happen.
When Janey stepped outside of the hardware store across the street, his eyes followed her, greedily soaking in the momentary sight like an addict craving a hit.
Across from him the bench seat made a noise as his brother Clay joined him. “Do you mind?”
Len shrugged.
He put in his order, and then seemed to become absolutely obsessed with his coffee cup, stirring slowly as he stared into the liquid.
“Something up?” Len finally asked.
His brother nodded. “I’ve been trying my damnedest to come up with a reason that makes sense for what you did, but I can’t figure it out.”
It wasn’t the greatest of places to have this conversation, but at least they were finally having it. “I just wanted the best for her.”
Confusion still covered Clay’s expression as his spoon clicked against the ceramic cup. “See, that is what I expect from you—to treat people right, and try to do right by them. That’s who you’ve always been up until now, but this was a totally screwed-up move that makes no sense.”
“She was going to leave town,” Len offered.
Clay sighed. “Yeah, well, that one seems to have backfired on you big time.”
Len nodded. Didn’t say anything more.
Clay lifted his gaze to Len’s, and heavy sadness shone in the depths. “Look. It sounds like you and her got a bit confused in terms of who wanted to leave town, who was hoping to stay in town, and what you wanted compared to what you thought you were going to get. It’s all tangled up, and at this point it really doesn’t matter how it got that way. What matters is getting it untangled.”
“Maybe untangling it isn’t the solution,” Len offered.
That one made his brother sit back in shock. “Because everything is so fantastic the way it is?”
Len stared out the window. “We’ll get over it.”
“Damn stubborn bastard,” Clay muttered. He reached across the table, catching hold of Len’s wrist. “I don’t know exactly why you’re insisting you don’t care about the woman, but you’re not thinking straight. Crazy asshole—you’re living in her damn house. How frickin’ twisted is that? Can’t you see what’s happening? You have a chance here for something that’s amazing, and you’re throwing it away without a fight. Don’t do that. Don’t fucking give up just because you have some strange idea you two not being together is a good thing.”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” Len insisted even as he had to silently agree. Living in her house was hellish. There were too many memories around him of Janey just from the short time they’d worked together. It was totally fucked up, and the moments he thought he smelled her hand cream or her shampoo were enough to send his heart pounding.
His head aching with regrets.
He was living with ghosts of his own ch
oosing, yet maybe he could change it all if he’d just…
Tessa dropped a plate in front of Len with a lot more force than needed. Clay let the conversation go, at least while they ate their meal.
But once they left the café, Clay picked up the topic again, stepping in front of his brother without any qualms about getting in the way. “Someone once called them ‘missed opportunities’. Those times you have a chance to do one thing, and you decide, for whatever reason, to do something else. Maybe you figured it was the best for both of you. Maybe you’re scared things were going too fast. Or you were scared they couldn’t last. But I’m going to level with you right now, whatever your issue with you and Janey, don’t miss this opportunity. Maybe it’s gonna take some work to untangle things, but if you don’t try, you’re always going to regret it. And some opportunities only come along once in a lifetime.”
Clay seemed to be focused somewhere off in space, and Len wondered if he was talking from experience. He sounded desperate to push Len in a new direction.
Only it wasn’t that easy.
All the advice, added to the pain that struck every time he saw Janey on the street—all of it rustled together in his brain, and drove him to sleepless wandering.
One night. The next. Like he’d wandered into a trap, and couldn’t find his way out.
Again he walked aimlessly through the house. Signs of all the work she’d done only made the pain burn more. But he’d been the one to screw things up, and no matter that Clay had told him things could be untangled, Len didn’t think they could.
He stared at the boxes piled in the living room and listened to the silence echoing through the empty rooms.
A sudden knock on the door shocked him upright. When his father stepped in, Len rose from where he’d been sitting in the dark. “Dad?”
Keith Thompson stared back for a beat before shaking his head, glancing around the box-filled space. Only a faint glow from the streetlights lit the room. “Good grief. What the hell are you doing?”
He flipped on the lights, and Len glanced away for a moment. Looking around and trying to see the place with new eyes, but the only thing in his head was an image of Janey dancing down the hallway toward him wearing that dangerous miniskirt, a slow smolder in her eyes.
“I thought if I gave you a while, you’d be ready to give me a tour.” Keith Thompson glanced around again. “I must be working you too hard down at the garage. If you need a hand, you know you only have to ask.”
Len nodded. “Just not sure what I’m doing yet.”
“That about sums it up, from what I hear,” Keith agreed. He stepped closer, moving until he was eye to eye with his son. “I know I’m only your dad, and it’s none of my business. But what the hell happened with you and Janey?”
Trust his dad to be the first one to straight out ask him. “I don’t want to be with anyone forever.”
Shock registered on his dad’s face. “You’re not serious. You’re going to have to explain this one a little better, because you and Janey were about perfect together. In fact, kind of reminded me of those early days when I was courting your mom. We got along so well, and yet it was never boring.”
Another spike of pain returned. “That just tells me even more we don’t belong together. I couldn’t take it.” Len slammed his lips together, having said more than he intended.
Keith Thompson frowned. “You couldn’t take what?”
Len waited in silence.
His dad waited longer.
The quiet built between them until it was a living thing. Pulsing and demanding to be fed. It appeared Len came by his stubbornness honestly. He shifted his feet uneasily and finally lifted his gaze to meet his father’s.
Keith folded his arms across his chest and nodded once. “I’m serious now, you want to be a stubborn ass and screw up your life, that’s one thing, but you answer my question first. You couldn’t take what that you shoved that girl from your life so hard she’s still spinning?”
The words flew out like they were jet-propelled. “Rather shove her out now than lose her down the road and let it tear me apart.”
It was like a light went on as Keith Thompson put two and two together. “Oh my God, son. Is this about me losing Meg? About our whole family losing her?”
Len turned away to stare into the darkness of the backyard. “You still aren’t yourself,” he said. “I still see you reaching out at times for her, and I see the darkness that fills your eyes when she’s not there. It took you years before you smiled after she died.” Len shook his head. “I’m not strong enough to take that. I’m not strong enough to go through it again.”
“So instead you’re letting the woman you love think you don’t feel anything for her? That makes no sense, because while it hurt like hell to lose Meg—and you’re right, it still hurts like hell at times—I had all the good moments with her. I had all of those brilliant touches of joy I never would have experienced if I’d been afraid of the pain.”
Len could barely breathe. “But you said it wasn’t worth it.”
Keith swore. “When did I tell you that? Back when she was suffering, and I was surrounded by a cloud of despair, fighting to keep five kids from crowding into hell after me? When nothing made sense and there was nothing I could do to stop the pain from destroying her body?
“Or was it some time when I’d had a couple to numb the pain? You know, maybe that’s not the time to be taking a person’s word as canon for your life.”
Len wanted so badly to believe there was hope, but…
Clay’s words echoed. Don’t give up.
Katy’s annoyance with him echoed as well, along with her earnest reassurances. Janey’s got a big heart—she’ll forgive you.
In front of him his father stood like a beacon, drawing him forward to a place of hope. “It’s worth it, Len. It’s worth the pain to experience the joy.”
God.
Len’s heart pounded harder. The bands he’d placed around it were cracking at the seams. He’d kept himself separate for all those years. Tried to stop it from happening, but he hadn’t been strong enough.
He couldn’t miss the opportunity. He wasn’t brave enough to live without her anymore.
Only the anger and the frustration Janey had shoved at him in response to his actions burned in a brand new way. “I hurt her. So damn bad,” he whispered.
“You loved her damn hard first, though.” His dad laid a hand on his shoulder, the heavy weight grounding Len in one place so he could organize his chaotic thoughts. Keith squeezed his fingers. “Am I right? Son, I think you’ve loved that girl forever. She’s always been the one for you.”
“What have I done?” Len stared at his father in panic as the truth sank into his soul. He’d caused them both so much pain trying to avoid what was completely unavoidable.
His heart had always belonged to Janey.
His dad was right. Right now he knew being without her was pretty much the worst thing ever.
Keith shook his head as he answered the question. “You were a damn Thompson fool. I’ve been one more times than I wanted over the years, and you know what? Your mother always forgave me.”
There were memories in his eyes as he traveled into the past. Sorrow on his face, but joy as well.
A massive knot blocked Len’s throat as he made the confession. “I’m scared I fucked up too bad to be forgiven.”
His father squeezed hard, his expression crinkling into the faintest of smiles. “That’s the amazing thing about the women we love, Len. They tend to be a hell of a lot smarter than we are. They know we’ll make mistakes, and they’re willing to forgive us far too often. Only secret is?”
Len waited.
His dad nodded slowly. “You gotta shoot straight with them. Be honest, and admit you’re a fool. That goes a hell of a long way.”
“Means I’ve got to tell her that.”
“Well, she knows you’re a fool,” Keith pointed out. “You need to get her to tell you how not to
be a fool going forward. If you’ve got enough reasons to offer her why you should be together, it will help.”
The room was still dark, and his soul was still curled up tight in pain. But somewhere deep inside, his father’s words lit a spark of hope.
Did he and Janey belong together? As far as he was concerned the answer was yes—and had been for a very long time. No matter that fear still lay like an icy ball in the pit of his gut. Janey had enough fire to melt it, if he’d let her.
Now? He had to find a way to convince Janey to give him a second shot.
Chapter Fourteen
Once he made the decision to move forward, Len found himself in undiscovered territory.
He’d never been the aggressor in their relationship.
And from everything he gathered while talking with Katy on the sly, when she wasn’t staring at him with that look of total disapproval, he’d hurt Janey hard. This wouldn’t be a walk in the park, and in some ways he was glad.
It wasn’t chastisement for his soul, but a chance to really appreciate every step along the way. To appreciate the woman Janey had become while somehow making up for having stomped on the precious thing she’d offered him—her heart.
The first time he planned to track her down, he broke away from work a few minutes before noon, hoping to catch her on a lunch break as well.
Clay stopped him before he could silently escape out the back door. “Where you think you’re going?” he demanded.
Len’s usual response would’ve been to not say anything, and he was really tempted, but the truth was Clay had given him a shove in the right direction, and his brother needed to know it.
Besides it was good practice for telling Janey things he’d discovered were important.
“I’m going to go grab hold of an opportunity I nearly let slide.”
His brother’s eyes widened, then he pulled the door open and gestured with his head to the outdoors. Only he placed a hand on Len’s shoulder before he could escape, giving him a serious glare. “You hurt that girl again, and I’ll work you over until you can’t stand. She deserves better than what you did to her.”
