by Hazel Mills
Chapter 16
Nikki
Oh my God! This feels so damn good. My mind is saying that we should stop but my body is begging to go on. The wet touch of Ahmad’s tongue on my nipple is a clear sign that it is too late to turn back now.
“Do you know how long I’ve wanted you,” Ahmad whispered, as he gently sucked on my hard nipple. His hands eagerly explored my body, setting it on fire.
I couldn’t remember making the conscious decision that tonight would be the night that Ahmad and I would make love. It just seemed to be happening naturally.
Would this technically be considered as my first time or did that happen years ago when my father molested me? “Your skin is so soft.”
Ahmad kissed every part of me as he removed my clothes. Before long, I was laying on his sofa completely naked. He stood and began to undress himself. Even though Ahmad was no longer playing ball, he still had the hard body of an athlete. His arms were strong and muscular and his six-pack was clearly visible. My eyes became fixated on the mass that hung boldly aroused between his tight thighs. The throbbing that was going on between my own thighs intensified.
I can’t believe that this is actually happening. I am about to have sex. I don’t know what to do. Ahmad is experienced. Am I doing the right thing?
Ahmad pulled a condom from the end table drawer and rolled it slowly onto his hard dick. He laid his heated body on top of mine. His kisses were deeper as be began to guide himself inside of me.
He’s hurting me. Oh my God! It feels the same as when my father did it. I can’t do this.
“Am I hurting you, Nikki? The last thing I want to do is hurt you,” Ahmad said in my ear as he continued his painful descend. “I’m here to make you feel good.”
Yes, you are hurting me. I can’t tell him that. He’ll think that I’m an idiot. I really don’t want to do this.
Ahmad’s gyrations began as slow and as deliberate as a baby’s first step. It was as if he was being careful not to move too fast and leave me behind. He continued to stare into my eyes, looking for a response.
“Nikki, what’s wrong?” he asked, stopping all movement.
“Nothing’s wrong,” I lied.
“Yes there is. Tell me what’s going on. Am I being too rough?”
Go ahead, fool. Tell him the truth. There is no need to pretend that everything is fine when you know that inside your soul is screaming bloody murder. You can’t expect to have an honest relationship with Ahmad until you tell him what the real problem is. He trusted you with the truth about his daughter. You can trust him. You can totally trust him to understand.
“Ahmad, I can’t…”
“You can’t what?”
“I can’t do this.”
“Why not?”
“It’s too painful.”
“I’ll be gentler,” he said as he kissed the cradle of my neck. “I promise.”
“That’s not what I mean. I’m not only talking about it being too painful physically. There is something I need to talk to you about.”
“Right now?”
“Right now.”
Ahmad pulled his hardness out of me and sat on the other end of the sofa. The look on his face was one of frustrated concern. I had put him off as long as I could with the I’m not ready defense. Now that it appeared that all systems were a go and we were into the act itself, I had once again slammed on the brakes. I grabbed my t-shirt from the floor and sat up.
“Nikki, I am really trying hard to be patient with you. Losing your virginity is a big deal and I understand that you want to take your time but baby, the time to change your mind is not when my dick is pumping inside of you.”
“No, Ahmad. I don’t think you understand at all. I’ve had sex before.”
“Excuse me,” Ahmad’s facial expression changed from frustrated to confused, “I thought you said you were—”
“I was molested by my father.”
“Molested? By your father?”
“That’s why I have such an issue with sex. Just now, all of the memories of how it felt with him came rushing back to mind and
I just couldn’t…”
“First of all, you weren’t with your father,” Ahmad interrupted. “That niggah raped his own child. Secondly, why didn’t you tell me this before now?”
“I didn’t know how to tell you.”
“You sure picked a helluva time to tell me,” he said, removing the rubber from his now limp penis and pulling on his boxers.
“I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing? You haven’t done anything wrong. You are clearly the victim as far as I’m concerned.”
“I’m sorry that I let things get this far without being totally honest with you.”
“How long did he molest you? Sorry, you don’t have to talk about if you don’t want to.”
“No. I’m ready to talk about it. Off and on since I was six years old. Whenever he couldn’t get it from my mother or one of his women, he would do it to me.”
“Did your mother know what was happening?”
“I’m sure she did.”
“And she didn’t kill that motherfucker?”
“Nope. She didn’t do much of anything where my father was concerned. I’ve come to realize that my mother is a weak-minded woman with absolutely no self-esteem.”
“Damn. That has to be the most messed up thing I have heard in my life. I know that if I even suspected that Corrie was being abused in any way or by any one, the earth would not be big enough for that person and I to occupy at the same time. Know what I’m saying?”
“Yeah, I feel the same way.”
“What about your sisters?”
“I’ve never actually witnessed it but I’m almost certain that he did. I strongly believe that is the main reason why Shannon is as out of control as she is.”
“What can I do to help you? Have you been to counseling?”
“No, I haven’t been to counseling. I thought that would be the first place I’d run after I left home and came to DC but it hasn’t happened yet.” “Why not?”
“I honestly don’t know, Ahmad.”
“Would you like for me to go with you?”
I can’t believe that I am sitting here, practically naked, talking about my sexual abuse with Ahmad. We could have had this conversation months ago if I’d known that he would be this caring.
I turned to see concern on Ahmad’s face. He held out his arms and invited me into safety and I gladly retreated there. The sound of his heartbeat in my ear made me feel more secure than I had felt in all of the years of living in my father’s house.
“Go with me? You’d go to counseling with me?”
“Of course I would. If you needed me to,” he answered as he planted the sweetest kiss on my forehead. It was almost as if Ahmad had assumed the role of my protector.
“That’s really sweet of you to say.”
“I didn’t say it to be sweet, Nikki. I mean it. I think counseling would do you a lot of good. You have been violated and you need to talk with someone, besides me, about it.”
Ahmad was right and I knew it. I needed help getting past all of the hurt and resentment that had been buried for years. I wanted the relationship with Ahmad to grow and I knew this was the one thing preventing me from allowing our relationship to go to the next level.
“You’re right. I’ll call someone in the morning.”
“Good. Let me know. I want you to know that there is nothing too horrible to share with me, okay? I’m here for you. Do you believe me?”
“Yes, Ahmad. I believe you. I do.”
“Do you believe that I love you?”
“Yes, I know you do. I love you, too.”
“Okay then. Nikki, I won’t lie to you and tell you that I am not eager to express myself physically with you. I want more than anything to make love to you. But I also want to be made love to in return. I don’t think that we can truly make love to each other until we get some help for you.
Now, let’s go to Burger King. All of this sharing has made me hungry as hell,” Ahmad said, laughing.
Those words meant so much coming from Ahmad and I knew he was truly speaking from his heart. I loved this man and I wanted this relationship to work.
We laughed and talked about so many things as we drove to Burger King while holding hands in the car. I felt that the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders, and in a way, I guess it had. All of a sudden, there was a change in Ahmad’s mood. He had stopped laughing and had become serious again.
What’s wrong now? Does he want to ask me another question about the abuse but is too afraid to?
While we were waiting for our turn in the drive-thru, Ahmad turned and looked me square in my eyes. The look almost sent chills down my spine.
“Nikki, will you marry me?”
Huh? Will I what? Marry you? Where the hell did that come from? We’re in the drive-thru at Burger King.
“I’m sorry. What did you just say?”
“Will you marry me? It just occurred to me that I don’t want to live without you in my life. I love you and I want you to be my wife.”
“Ahmad, what? Are you high? Where did that come from,” I asked, still stunned.
“It comes from my heart, Nikki. I can’t explain it. It just feels right to me.”
“Ahmad…”
“Nikki, I knew it when I first saw you. I also knew it when I saw you with my daughter and I felt it today. I know you feel it, too.”
Stop talking and drive up before these fools behind us blow their horns to death. Marriage? Being Corrie’s mom?
My thoughts raced from every direction. Nothing was truer than my love for Ahmad. There was no denying that. But I
wouldn’t only be marrying Ahmad, I would also be a mother to Corrie. I was beginning to question whether I was ready for that kind of responsibility. Once I looked into his eyes, it all became clear.
“Yes.”
“Yes, you felt our love today or yes, you’ll marry me?”
“Both”
“Well alright then,” Ahmad said smiling, “you know what this means?”
“What?”
“It means that today, you can get cheese on that Whopper.”
We burst into uncontrollable laughter. The girl at the window probably thought we were high as hell.
“Married? What the hell kind of schizophrenic crackhead move is that, Nikki? He must have really put something on your ass tonight?” Sabrina said when I broke the news.
“It is not a crackhead move. We love each other.”
“Do you know what you are saying? Listen to yourself. Better yet, listen to me. Not only will you be somebody’s wife but also you’ll become an instant mama. Ahmad has a daughter or have you forgotten? Can you honestly sit there and tell me, with a straight face, that you are ready for that?”
“I honestly can, Sabrina. Corrie is a great kid. I’d make a wonderful step-mama.”
“Yeah, she’s a great kid because she’s living in New York. Wait until she’s yours full time. I’m sure you’ll be singing a totally different tune then.” Sabrina stopped talking for a minute. It was as if a light bulb had gone off in her head. “Oh my, God! You’re pregnant!”
“Stop it, Sabrina. Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not pregnant. Be happy for me,” I begged my best friend as I sat on her bed.
“You make it hard for me to be happy for you when you do dumb shit. What do you really know about Ahmad? Didn’t you say that y’all haven’t even had sex yet? Shit, his ass could just be asking you to marry him just so he could get in your panties.” “Sabrina! I can’t believe you. That is not why he asked me. Why is this so hard for you to understand? People get married without having been in a long relationship at the time,” I defended.
“First if all, where’s the engagement ring? Ahmad asked you to marry him without giving you a ring? And you took it seriously? Second, when are you going to get married? Third, where are you going to live?”
Even though I knew Sabrina meant well, she was beginning to piss me off. Why couldn’t she just let me have my moment?
“Ahmad did not have a ring for me because he hadn’t planned on asking me this soon,” I explained.
“Problem number one,” Sabrina pointed out.
“Anyway,” I continued, “we’re going to get married the day after graduation in the campus chaplain’s office. Ahmad will start work as a clerk at a law firm in Manhattan the Monday morning after graduation. He’ll work there full time during the summer and then go to part time when he begins law school in the fall. I’m checking into teaching positions at several high schools in the city. I’ll begin as a substitute, if I have to. And to answer your third question, Ahmad’s grandmother is moving to Florida with her new husband and she has agreed to let us sublet her two bedroom apartment in Brooklyn. That way, Corrie won’t have to change schools.”
“Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out,” Sabrina replied, in a softer tone this time. I knew she meant well.
“Working hard at it anyway. There is one thing that concerns me?”
“What? What your folks are going to say when they find out about this foolishness?”
“No, girl. My parents are the least of my worries.”
“Then what is it?”
“Will you be my maid of honor?”
Sabrina covered her mouth and let out a muted scream. Initially, I couldn’t tell whether she was excited or angry.
“Me?”
“Yeah, who else?”
“I’d be happy to, girl. You know that. I’m sorry for being an ass about this whole thing earlier. It’s just that I worry about you. This just came up so suddenly, you know?” Sabrina said, apologetically.
“Yeah, I know.”
“Well damn, that sure doesn’t give us a lot of time to shop for dresses. We better get to looking ‘cause I don’t know about you but I plan to be fly as all get out.”
Everything sounded good as I explained it to Sabrina but I was beginning to wonder whether it would all come together as perfectly as we had planned. Ahmad and I had made some major decisions that would affect not only the rest of our lives but also Corrie’s life. Sabrina was right about one thing. Corrie could be more of a problem than I’d bargained for. She could actually resent me for trying to take her mother’s place.
I had enough trouble effectively dealing with my own screwed up childhood. How could I take on the challenge of helping Corrie cope with all that she’d been through?
I decided to pick up the phone and call home. I had to tell my mother the news regardless of how it went over.
“Hello.”
“Hello, Mama.”
“Nicolette? Is that you?”
“Yes, Ma’am. How are you?”
“I’m fine now that I’ve heard from you. How are you?”
“Good. Mama, I’m getting married.”
There was dead silence on the other end but I wasn’t surprised by it at all. I continued to talk.
“His name is Ahmad Jacobs and we met here at Georgetown University. We’ve been seeing each other for a while. The wedding is planned for the day of graduation. I just wanted to let you know.”
“The day after graduation? So soon? Are you—”
“No,” I interrupted. “I’m not pregnant. Just madly in love.” Why the hell is that always the first question people ask?
“Oh, well, congratulations, honey. You do know that we’re planning to drive up there for the graduation, right?”
What? My parents are coming to DC? In the four years that I’d been here, there has never been any talk of my parents coming here.
“No, I didn’t know that.”
“What? Did you think that I was going to miss my first-born child graduating from college? Your father plans to charter a bus and bring some of the people from the congregation, too. Ooh, wait ‘til I tell everybody about the wedding.”
I wish you could come to DC alone, without my father.
For the first time that I could remember, I actually heard excitement in my mother’s voice.
“Wow, a chartered bus?”
“Yes, indeed. I look forward to meeting your husband-to-be.
Is he handsome?”
“Yes, Ma’am, he is,” I smiled as the image of Ahmad’s face flashed in my head.
“Where is he from?”
“New York.”
“Oh my. That’s so far away. Is that where the two of you are going to live after you’re married?”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“Nicolette, have you spoken with Shannon?”
“No, Ma’am. I haven’t spoken to her in a while. I’ve stopped trying because it’s obvious she doesn’t want to be bothered. She’s grown. I’m sure that she’s fine.”
“You can’t give up. Shannon’s your sister. You can never give up on family.”
Is she serious? Mama gave up on so many things. She didn’t give a damn about any of the things that were happening right under her nose. Now she wants to lecture me on the importance of family? What a joke.
“Well, when you come to town, you can track her down and find out what’s going on.”
“Yes, I pray so. But I tell you, I’ve got a feeling that Shannon is in trouble.”
“I wouldn’t doubt it. Okay, Mama. I need to go and study for finals. Tell everyone I said hello.”
When I hung up the telephone, I was instantly flushed with dread at the thought of having my family in town for graduation and the wedding. These were times to be celebrated. But all
I could see was a weekend filled with schizophrenic drama. I didn’t bother to mention Corrie. My mother would find out all of the details when she got to town.
