by Paige North
But I’m neither here nor there, and that’s not a place I want to be.
That’s the place I lived my entire life. Not completely ignored by my parents, but not the apple of their eyes either. There was always competition, and this time the competition is Kase’s past. I don’t want to share Kase with his demons anymore. I want him to give them up. I want to know one way or another where we stand, so I can tell my heart which way to go.
I’m no good at acting and can’t do it anymore.
“Alana, you’re crying.” Kase stops walking and faces me. Thumbs wipe my eyes and he pulls me in for a strong, safe hug. I want to melt into him and stay there all day, but I’m only hurting myself. If he’s never going to talk to me, if he’s never going to let me in, then I may as well do what’s right and put an end to this.
“Yes, I’m crying.”
“Why?”
“Because I have feelings for you, Kase. And even though we’re closer than we’ve ever been, I still feel like you’re a million miles away, and that’s not something I ever wanted.”
“I know. I told you, Alana. I told you I couldn’t go too deep. I knew you’d want more.”
“Why can’t you give more?”
He pulls away. “I want to.”
“Then do it. I’ll help you. You can trust me, Kase. I don’t want to be anyone’s second best anymore. I want full attention, full love.” The moment I say it, I know I’ve fucked it all up. He runs a hand through his hair and blows out that frustrated breath of his. “But I can wait,” I add.
Because now I’m scared of losing him.
Scared I said too much.
Still, it’s out there. Though I tried to play it cool by telling him I could handle this, that I could be with him and not need any emotion from him, I only pretended to be strong enough in order to get one step closer. The truth is, I love this. I love us walking together like a family. I love Liam babbling and looking up at both of us, and I love the way Kase looks at me like I would make the most amazing mother for his child. I would do this even if I didn’t get paid.
But getting paid is a fine line between me being his nanny and his girlfriend, and he’s sure to keep me on the payroll just so he won’t have to dig deep into himself.
“Alana, hon…let’s talk about this later over dinner. I know you want more from me, but I don’t know if I can give it. I’m a damaged man. With…memories…” He grips his head, shakes it. “And pain. I told you that.”
“I don’t think you’re any more damaged than I am, or the guy next door, or the guy in the apartment above us. We all have demons and secrets. We all have ugly parts, Kase.”
But he continues to shake his head, like I know nothing. Like I’m just a child with so much to learn. So I let it go, because I don’t want to be that girl. You know the one, the pushy girlfriend who drives her man away instead of luring him closer, because she wants, wants, wants, and can’t let it go.
Thing is, I may be young but I know when I love someone, when I’m willing to go the distance just to help them be happy, and I want that with Kase. I know I’m crazy—that he’s my boss, and I’m his nanny with whom he’s started a bad, very unorthodox relationship—but maybe it could happen. Possibly.
I mean, before anything else—we’re just a man and a woman, right? Like he told me once.
Just then, his phone buzzes in his pocket, giving me a moment to think and him a mental break from PsychoNanny. I crouch to smile into Liam’s face. I need a happy, bubbly spit smile right now. Liam doesn’t think about whether he should love me or not. He doesn’t worry about the consequences of love. He just loves. Liam knows a good thing when he sees it.
At that moment, a little kid of about four or five comes running down the path and swipes Liam’s beanie right off his head then disappears into the trees towards a playground on the other side.
“Hey!” I yell, but the kid just sticks his tongue out at me and keeps running.
“What the fuck was that?” Kase looks up from his phone.
“Just some kid.”
“Let’s get his hat back. What a little shit.”
“Not worth it, Kase. Not every battle is worth fighting. But some are.” I give him a side-glance and tap Liam’s nose. “Hey, kiddo. Ready to head back now? Hatless and all?”
“Bababababa, blubbbbb.”
“I agree. It is starting to feel cold again. Will we ever get out of winter, buddy? Come on, let’s go.” The incident with the boy frazzled me, reminded me that sometimes, we have to roll with the punches, deal with what we’re given.
Right now, I’m trying to handle the situation with me and Kase as best as I can.
“We can’t do dinner,” Kase says. My heart, already deflated on the edge of hopelessness, completely falls flat. “My father-in-law wants to see me tonight. Celebratory happy hour,” he says in a stately fashion. “Business associates from the company will be there. In fact, we gotta hurry.”
“We?” I say hopefully. Could it be he needs a date or at the very least needs me there to watch Liam, since Mr. Roper might wish to also see his grandson?
Immediately, my brain mentally searches the clothes in my closet. There’s a chocolate dress that would look really great for an event like that. If I’m invited?
Kase shakes his head with a scoff, like it’s a silly idea. “No, hon. Not you. Just me. It’d be awkward to have the nanny there, don’t you think?” He gives a little laugh, like I’m some retarded fool, then pushes ahead of me and Liam on a mission to get back as quickly as possible.
I’m left behind. We—me and Liam.
I know I shouldn’t read into it, but I feel like shit all over again. Like the hired help, the loser at the bottom of the totem pole. The little woman who must stay behind and care for the baby while big man does big things at big business party. Grunt. Brushing it off my mind, I tell myself he didn’t mean it. He grew up poor, for Christ’s sake. But part of me wonders…or did he?
Kase
I could tell Alana wanted to go, but I can’t risk it. What if she tells Roper what a lovely oxygen tank he has this time? Or what if Roper suspects that more is going on between me and Alana, not just sexual relations? The old man is more perceptive than I give him credit for. I wonder if he knew all along that there was no romantic love between me and Evie.
But between me and Alana?
The truth is, I just need a break from her tonight. She means well, and she has every right to want to know what’s going on between us, especially after I nearly broke down that night on the Miami Beach hotel balcony. Another second holding her, and I would’ve lost it. As it was, the tears stung my eyes. I’d never felt that close to anyone in all my life. And I’ll never feel that close to anyone again.
I couldn’t let her feel it.
I had to push her away.
All week, I’ve kept a safe distance. I don’t ignore her like I used to, and I don’t order her around either, but I haven’t shown my feelings for her. I’m not even sure what they are, and that’s why I have to go to this business happy hour alone. I’ll just tell the old man that his grandson was feeling a little under the weather. He did ask me to bring him along, and the only way I could do that was by inviting Alana, too.
It’s better this way.
Bert Roper lives in a mansion north of Sleepy Hollow, one of those old places to rival the Rockefeller’s home at Kykuit. I take the 6 down to Grand Central then buy a train pass on the Metro North. I have a car—a beautiful Bentley—but I rarely use it. All my life, I took the trains to get around, and I still prefer it even today. Nobody looks at you when you’re on a train. Nobody wonders how much money you make. Everybody’s on their own path, getting where they need to go. The synergy of so much difference coming together for one common moment gets me every time.
By the time I’ve reached the old man’s estate, expensive cars of every make and model fill the driveway, and the house is aglow with warm yellow light. The house Evie grew up in really is a
n architectural gem surrounded by lush formal gardens, but now I see it so differently.
No matter how great we got along, having our industry in common, I never felt she earned her way to the top.
She knew it, too. Knew she never would’ve made it to the top on her own, having been handed a multi-billion dollar company by her rich father. She never made it a secret either, or tried to pass his successes off as her own. Because of this, I respected her. Loved her as a friend.
But there never would’ve been more between us, even if I’d allowed my walls down.
So, why the undeniable attraction with Alana?
Roper is thrilled to see me. He wheels around in his sports chair, introducing me to every single person in the room. Many I already know from the days I used to do conventions, before I rose to the top of the agency and started sending others in my stead. People are happy to see me. Many tell me how sorry they are for losing Evie, that she was a great woman who will be greatly missed.
By none more than her son.
My son.
Thanks to Alana, I’ve learned to see Liam as more than just a Keynote subject, a charge in my care, one who needs strict scheduling and monitoring. I’ve never spent as much time with him before, never seen him giggle so hard as when Alana is pulling him up by the arms on her lap then letting him fall flat onto his back. I swear, every time he laughs like that, I see his mother.
“And now, ladies and gentlemen,” Roper calls from his throne on wheels. “Now that we’re all gathered and present, I’d like to formally announce the transfer of Roper Industries over to my son-in-law…Kase Hardwin.”
The room fills with applause and cheers, people clap me on the back, and faces appear in my line of vision, but it’s like I’m watching it all unfold from behind a thick sheet of glass. Voices slow down, smiles stretch like melting circus clown makeup, and all I can do is nod and force myself to smile.
“Congratulations, Kase.”
“There’s no one better to follow in my daughter’s and my footsteps,” Roper assures everyone, and more glasses of champagne are passed around. A few high-ranking officials of the company don’t look too thrilled at the news, but they also don’t seem surprised. The last thing I need is people hating me for receiving something I didn’t earn.
I’m not Evie—he can’t just pass the company over to me. I never agreed to this. He only told me to think it over. Crouching low by Roper’s ear, I mutter through a smile. “Can’t we talk about this, sir? I never exactly got the chance to accept your offer.”
“Nonsense, Kase.” Roper pulls a drink off a silver platter and hands it to me. “After dinner, we’re signing the contracts.” He coughs, lights the cigar he’s kept in his pocket all evening, then coughs again. From a nearby chair, Nettie rolls her eyes at me and shakes her head.
Nobody notices Nettie, but I notice Nettie.
She could be Alana’s mother, father. She could even be Alana, sitting there, invisible to everyone else, but highlighted to me, saving money for her son’s college, silently battling breast cancer in an effort to live another day so she can see her son graduate. Mom didn’t get that chance, and part of me wishes I could, in turn, pass the business off to Nettie.
Lord knows she’s been by Roper’s side more than anyone all these years.
I don’t deserve this. I don’t half the things I’ve been given in life, especially Liam, but somehow, I made it into this family, and I shouldn’t be ungrateful. For the business, for Liam, nor for the old man’s attention. I smile at everyone. People are still clapping and giving me thumb’s up. It’s like some awful dream from which I can’t wake up.
Sometime after dinner and before the signing of the documents, I escape to the restroom to breathe in, breathe out, while staring into the mirror. Just sign the goddamn documents, Kase. You’ve always wanted to be a billionaire, and Evie would’ve wanted it. Yes, but I wanted to get there on my own, not be handed the golden chalice.
Suddenly, there’s a noise outside in the formal parlor. Someone is shouting at the top of his lungs, a man’s voice, and he’s angry. What the actual fuck? My defenses kick into gear. I run out of the bathroom, ready to take someone down if I have to. A few men are crowded around another man, and I immediately think someone’s had too much to drink. Either that, or someone’s not happy about this business arrangement.
But then, I see who it is.
I’ll never forget the fucker’s face. I saw it one time when he came to pick up Evie at her home while I was there having a drink with her. He glared at me like I didn’t belong, like I needed to get the fuck away from his woman, but she was never his woman. Real men don’t leave their women during times of need, don’t deny them or refuse to care for their infant sons. Real men step up to the plate.
“Where is he?” Raymond Silas shouts, his deep voice bouncing off the walls. He’s drunk and he drove here drunk, too. What a loser. But suddenly, I realize the very grave danger about to befall this room of people. Raymond Silas’s gaze zeroes in on me across the room. He points. “There he is. Where’s my son?”
If a tiny speck of dust fell from the gilded chandeliers to the parquet floors at this very moment, we would all hear it. Fifty or more pairs of eyes all fall on me. And somehow, I have to respond.
The blood pump inside my chest feels like it’s about to explode, and when Roper himself looks at me then back at Raymond then back at me, I know my life’s about to implode.
“What do you mean, Ray?” I ask, shoving my hands in my pockets. I stand there, waiting, as he breaks from of the men holding his arms and comes toward me.
“You know what I mean, Hardwin. Don’t be a dick. Where’s my son? Where’s Liam?”
I see. Raymond Silas thought that Liam would be here tonight, having caught wind of the big celebration through the grapevine, I’m sure. As an ad exec for another company, news travels fast, but no one is more surprised than I am when he glowers down at me in front of everyone and declares, “This guy’s not the father of that boy.”
“Hey, Silas, go the fuck home,” someone says.
“Let’s hear the man speak,” someone else declares.
“Hardwin, you best plead your case,” Roper stutters. His cigar smoke encircles my head. I want to vomit. I feel like I’m in Gone With The Wind, standing in an antebellum mansion with a bunch of aging men who all think they know what’s best for me.
“Ah, the opportunist finally arrives,” I say with an easy smile. “I was wondering how long before you showed up. Where’s your proof, Silas?”
“I’ll get your proof, Hardwin, just as soon as I see my son.”
“Liam will never be your son,” I tell him. “You’re just trying to wedge yourself into this family, but you had your chance, Silas. You ruined it.”
“Keep telling your lies that you swept in and rescued Evie after a broken heart I caused, Hardwin, but you and I both know the truth—I’m the father of that baby—and Evie told me to leave.”
Is that true? It can’t be. Evie swore Ray was the one who left her. Would she have really broken up with him then asked me to marry her? I know she had feelings for me that I couldn’t reciprocate, but she never would’ve trapped me that way.
Would she?
“This guy,” Raymond says, pointing to me, and teetering across the floor to Roper. “Is a fraud, sir. He never loved your daughter, only married her because she didn’t want me after I lost my position at Bernfeld Agency. She was all about the money—that bitch.”
I lunge at him. I don’t know what possesses me but nobody talks about Evie that way, even if he might be right about the way things went down between them. Grabbing him by the collar, I spit expletives in his face, as calmly as one can without offending the older generation in the room. “I don’t care who left whom…you don’t ever call Evie a bitch. Now, go.” I toss him until he falls on the floor, and he has to scramble to stand back up. “Get the fuck out of here.”
“You were never married, Hardwin. I’v
e done my homework.” Then, to the entire crowd with his hand up in triumph. “They were never married!” Laughing like a loon, he wipes blood from his tongue. “A fraud, sir. I’m Liam’s father, and I’ll prove it. Sorry to ruin your evening.”
Finally, Raymond leaves, and I’m left without breath, without a leg to stand on, and completely blind-sided. How could that asshole do this to me? How could he come back after all this time and claim ownership over Liam? He’ll have to fucking kill me first before taking back my son.
That’s right—my son.
He could’ve come back sooner, he could’ve worked things out with Evie, he could’ve done any number of things. Instead, he claims paternity on the very night Roper’s to sign the company over to me?
Yeah, I call bullshit.
But there’s only one way to know for sure, and it’s sitting at home in my night stand. I haven’t had the courage to look through it since her death. All her last moments, her last conversations, her last messages just sitting there in a time capsule. Evie’s phone. I have to look through it and find out the truth. Did she push Raymond out of her life to get to me, like he claims? Or is Ray the opportunist I’ve always known him to be?
I leave the house without signing any papers, as multiple people come after me.
“Leave me alone,” I call, throwing my hand behind me. The waiting Lyft driver scrambles to attention and opens the door for me.
“Hardwin!” The old man’s voice calls after me, weaker than I’ve ever heard it. “Is it true, Kase?”
I might be a number of things, but I’m not a coward, so I turn around and face him. I’m also not a liar—only lied for Evie, because she desperately needed my help, and in her eyes, I saw my mother who’d also been abandoned by her family for having a child out of wedlock. I look Roper in the eye and tell him, “It’s true.”
He sputters, and I leave, his coughs fading behind me.
