by Beth Manz
Turning on the light, he dropped his keys in the basket by the door and hung up his coat. "Jim?" he called out softly, not wanting to wake him if he was sleeping. He started toward the stairs but stopped halfway there, his gaze finally locating Jim. The sentinel stood out on the balcony, staring out at the city.
Blair changed directions slightly and headed toward the balcony. Stepping outside, he moved beside his partner. "Hey, man," he said softly, glancing up at him.
Jim did not respond, just continued to stare out at the lights of the office buildings across the bay.
"You been home long?"
The wind kicked up, blowing across Blair, making him shiver. Still, Jim did not move.
"Jim?" He reached out and touched his arm. The sentinel's skin was ice cold. His eyes stared out, unseeing. "Oh, man," Blair breathed as realization spread through him. He's zoning!
A combination of guilt and fear pumped through Blair. How long has he been out here?
"Jim," he said, grabbing his partner by the upper arms, moving up close. "Jim, listen to my voice. Follow it back from wherever you are. It's time to come back, man. Just follow my voice back."
Finally, after several long moments, Jim took a gasping breath and his eyes blinked rapidly. Seconds later, his knees buckled and he would have fallen to the ground if not for the tight hold Blair had on his arms.
"Easy, Jim, easy."
"Chief? What happened?" Jim's eyes locked with Blair's, the blue depths searching for understanding.
"You're okay, man. Let's just get inside."
/
/
/
Jim sat on the couch, cocooned in the blanket Blair had draped around his shoulders. He shivered, still unable to overcome the cold from being out on the balcony for nearly two hours. Zoning. I was zoning. When he'd first come back to himself, he couldn't remember anything. Just a feeling of panic when he'd looked into Blair's worried eyes. He'd thought at first that something had happened to his partner. But that worry had been for me.
Jim looked up as Blair came into the living area and stopped in front of him.
"Drink this," he ordered, shoving a mug of hot tea into Jim's hands.
"Sandburg-"
"Don't hassle me, man. Just drink it." Blair's hands went to his hips. "You're freezing. That will warm you up."
Jim took a sip before giving Blair his best 'are you happy now' face.
Blair sat on the coffee table before Jim. "What happened? What were you doing out there?"
"I was trying to meditate," Jim answered simply.
"Meditate? Jim, why-"
"I was thinking about my dad," he cut in. "I was getting angrier and angrier. So I tried to do what you always tell me to do. I was trying to let it go, to meditate. And then I noticed how the wind sounded and.... that's the last thing I remember until you were there."
Blair nodded, his eyes narrowing slightly as he thought about what Jim had just told him. "Okay, the last time you zoned was when Eddie Rostin showed up." Pushing to his feet, he began pacing, his hands gesturing as he moved. "Eddie was triggering forgotten memories from your past and that's what caused your zone-outs." He reached the kitchen, turned, and paced back to the couch. "But this is different. This seems to be coming from stress." He turned again. "But you've been stressed before and not zoned, so what's so different about this?" He stopped and looked down at Jim, hands on his hips, waiting for an answer.
The sentinel shook his head, taken off guard by the sudden question directed at him. "I don't know, Chief."
"Well, I don't either." Blair thought for a moment, then a determined expression appeared on his face. "Okay, new house rule, Jim. Until we get this figured out, you're not allowed to go out on the balcony and meditate in below freezing temperatures unless I'm home."
Jim snorted. "Why? You afraid I'll freeze solid out on the balcony?"
"This is not funny," Blair lectured. "You could have gotten frostbite out there. What if I hadn't come home tonight?"
Jim pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes. "You always come home, Sandburg."
"You don't know that. What if I'd met someone at the library and gone home with her for the night?"
Jim stared up at him, a smug grin pulling up the corners of his mouth. "You always come home, Sandburg," he repeated dryly.
Blair stared down at him for a few seconds. "Thanks a lot, man," he said at last, grinning down at his partner. "Seriously, Jim. You're okay?"
"I'm okay." He let out a long breath. "This thing tonight with my dad... it really took me off guard."
"I know. But you have to admit he made some good points."
"Is that what you think?" Jim stood, letting the blanket fall to the floor and stepped up to Blair. Gripping him by the upper arms, holding tightly, he locked his gaze with Blair's and said, "You are my partner. I have never seen you as a liability. Never."
Blair stared up at him, his eyes wide, vulnerable. "There was a time when you wanted me to carry a weapon," he reminded Jim softly. "I refused."
Jim let out a short laugh. "Sandburg, we were out on... what? Our third case together? I didn't really know you then. And I'll be honest, at first I couldn't see how you would be able to back me up without a gun. But you've proven time and time again that you don't need one."
"You're sure?"
"In all the years we've been together, have I ever asked you again to learn how to use a weapon?"
"No," Blair muttered.
"There you go," Jim said simply, releasing his guide and stepping back from him. "Besides, do you really think Simon would continue to let you work with me if he thought you were a liability?" Jim bit back a smile. "The captain's always liked me more than he likes you. He'd toss you out in a second if he thought you were a threat to my safety."
Blair laughed. "Oh, thanks a lot, man."
Jim smiled down at his partner before laying a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Seriously, Blair. This is not a problem for us. It never has been, and I don't want it suddenly becoming one. All right?"
Blair nodded. "All right."
Jim squeezed the shoulder he still held. "Good."
"But that doesn't solve the other issue your father brought up," Blair said before Jim could move away.
"Chief-"
"He wants to spend time alone with his sons," Blair said, cutting off Jim's protest before it could be voiced. "And I want you to know that I understand where he's coming from. And that, honestly, I don't have a problem with it."
Jim stared at him for a long moment. "You're not going to come on the camping trip with us this weekend, are you?"
"I don't think I should. I think it would be better if just the three of you went. Maybe if I back off a little now, things will be better in the long run."
"Yeah, maybe," he agreed with more than a little reluctance. "But I gotta be honest with you, Chief. I have this horrible fear that my dad just wants to get Stephen and me alone so he can finally give us that father-son talk he never gave us when we were boys."
Blair laughed as the meaning behind Jim's words settled over him. "Oh, man! Now I know I've made the right decision."
Part Two
The bullpen hummed with the usual mid-morning activity--detectives questioning suspects, typing up reports, answering phones, searching out leads.
Blair adjusted his glasses on his face before rereading the paragraph he'd just typed into his computer. He was catching up on some interview notes he and Jim had taken earlier that week but hadn't gotten around to putting into a formal report. Somehow, he always seemed to get stuck with the paperwork. But since Jim's typing abilities were of the hunt and peck variety, it was probably for the best. He didn't relish the idea of having to work late every night while Jim tried to type a one-page report.
"Sandburg, where's your partner?"
Blair looked up at the sound of Simon's voice. The captain stood in the doorway of his office, his gaze shifting slowly around the bullpen.
"Down in Records.
"
"As soon as he's back up here, I want you both in my office. If you're going to be gone for the next three days, I want to know where you two stand with your case load." With that, Simon stepped back into his office and closed his door.
Blair stared at it for several seconds. Jim will be gone for the next three days. I won't. He hadn't bothered to tell Simon about the change in plans. There was no point and he really didn't feel like having to explain why he was staying behind. So instead, he'd take the three days and catch up on his reading, grade some papers, relax at home.
And hope that this trip would satisfy William Ellison.
The phone on his desk rang. Blair snatched it up, glad for the temporary diversion. "Blair Sandburg."
"Blair, it's Hannah, down in Records."
Blair smiled. Hannah Merrick never failed to identify herself as "Hannah, down in Records," even though the woman had been working at the station for months and everyone knew her. "What can I do for you, Hannah?"
"Well, um, it's Jim."
Blair stiffened in his seat. There was something in her tone. Something... "What about Jim? Did something happen to him?"
"I... I don't know," she said softly. "He went back into the file room and he was back there a long time, so I thought I'd go help him. I thought maybe he couldn't find what he was looking for, but when I found him... Blair, he's just staring straight ahead. I... I tried to talk to him, but he's not responding. It's like... it's like he's not there."
Blair shoved to his feet. Dammit, he's zoning again! "Hannah, I'll be right down. Keep everyone else out of that area, okay? Don't let anyone approach Jim."
"Okay, Blair. Just hurry, okay?"
You can count on it. He slammed the receiver down and rushed out of the bullpen. He didn't wait for the elevator, instead taking the stairs, pounding down the steps two at a time. Pushing through the door to Records, he skidded to a stop in front of the counter.
"Where is he?" he asked Hannah.
She stared at him, her eyes wide. "I'll show you."
Blair slipped behind the counter and followed her into the large room that served as the station's file archive. They found Jim three rows back. He stood stock still, arms at his sides, his gaze vacant, his breathing slow, regular. Blair moved in front of him and stared up into his unseeing eyes.
"What's wrong with him, Blair?" Hannah asked from beside him, her voice uncertain.
He turned toward the records clerk. She was staring up at Jim, chewing on her lower lip in worry. He needed to get rid of her so he could work with Jim, bring him out of the zone.
"Hannah," he said as an idea hit him. "Can you get me a glass of water?"
"Water?"
"I need it... for Jim," he added hastily.
She nodded but didn't leave. "Is he going to be all right?" Stepping closer to Jim, she placed a hand on his arm. "I know some first aid. I could-"
"He'll be fine," Blair interrupted. "Just... I need the water."
"Oh! I'm sorry!" She turned and rushed from the room.
Blair knew he didn't have much time. Gripping Jim by the arms, he moved in close. "Jim," he said, pitching his voice low. "Listen to the sound of my voice... listen and follow it back."
There was no change. Blair moved closer, increased the pressure of his grip.
"Jim, man, Hannah is going to be back any second and if you don't come out of this before she gets here, I think she's going to throw you over her shoulder and carry you off somewhere so she can nurse you back to health."
Suddenly Jim took a gasping breath and his eyes rolled up in his head. Blair tightened his hold, struggling to keep the larger man upright as the sentinel's knees buckled.
"Come on, man," he managed through gritted teeth. "Give me some help here."
"Sandburg?" Jim mumbled, his gaze still unfocused.
"Yeah, it's me. And if you don't get your legs under you, we're both going to be on the floor in a second."
Jim's weight eased off Blair as the sentinel blinked several times, his gaze sweeping over the room around him. "Thanks, Chief," he said, patting absently at the younger man's shoulder, his voice still far away.
Blair stared up at him, concern creasing his brow. "You know where you are?"
The sentinel nodded. "I'm fine. Just have a headache." Closing his eyes, he rubbed at his temple. "Zoning again, right?"
"Right. And Hannah-"
But his words cut off as the clerk came around the corner of the filing shelf, a paper cup in her hand. "I got the water!" She stopped in front of Jim, her large eyes taking him in. "Are you all right now, Jim?"
He dropped his hand from his forehead and smiled down at her. "Yes, thank you. I'm fine."
"Blair asked me to get you some water." She held the cup out to him.
He stared down into the clear liquid before shifting his attention to Blair. Sandburg shrugged one shoulder, trying to indicate to Jim that it was the best thing he could come up with at the moment.
"Thank you, Hannah," Jim said, taking the cup and downing the contents in one gulp. "That helped a lot."
She nodded, her face a mask of concern. "I want to help. I mean, right when I saw you, I knew something was wrong and-"
"Hannah," Jim cut in. "I need to ask you a favor."
Blair tensed, knowing what Jim was going to request, what they needed her to do for them.
"Anything, Jim," Hannah replied breathlessly.
"What happened here today? I need that to stay just between us."
Blair watched the young woman's face, holding his breath. He knew she had a thing for Jim. Hell, everyone knew it. But would that attraction be enough to keep her quiet?
"Of course," she breathed, nodding her head. "I would never tell a soul. Not a soul! I only called Blair because he's your partner and I thought-"
"Calling Blair was the right thing to do." Stepping to her, Jim slipped an arm around Hannah's shoulders and began leading her toward the exit. "Thank you, Hannah. For calling Blair and for keeping this between us."
She only nodded up at him, her eyes never leaving his. And as Blair followed behind them, he knew this incident would never leave the room. Hannah would never betray Jim's confidence that way.
/
/
/
"I'm fine, Sandburg." Jim gave his partner a sidelong glance as they rode up the elevator toward the bullpen. "I still have a headache, but I'm fine."
"Except for the fact that you zoned again." Blair ran his hands through his hair. "What is going on?" Reaching out, he punched the emergency stop button on the elevator, bringing the car to a sudden halt. "What were you doing before you zoned?"
"Sandburg!" Jim reached toward the button to start the elevator again.
Blair batted his hand away. "You want to talk about this in the bullpen?"
Jim crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against the wall. "Fine."
"What were you doing before you zoned?" Blair asked again.
"Looking for a file," Jim said, his eyes narrowing slightly as he tried to remember exactly what was going through his mind just before he zoned. "Then I started thinking about this camping trip and the fact that you're not going because of my father and..." He shook his head. "That's it. Next thing I knew, you were holding me up."
"So, just like last night, you were thinking about your dad again." Blair rubbed his eyes. "Well, obviously this thing with your father has you more freaked out than either of us realized."
Jim raised an eyebrow, considering his guide's words. "You think I'm zoning because of what's happening with my father." It was a statement more than a question.
"Yes, Jim, I do."
"C'mon, Chief. My father has been pushing my buttons all my life. Why would I all of a sudden begin zoning over his attitude?"
"I'm not sure. All I know is we have to find a way to work around it."
The sentinel considered that, then shrugged. "So, what do I do?"
"You have to resolve the problem with yo
ur dad," Blair said simply. "I think that until you do, you're going to keep zoning."
"Oh well, gee, Sandburg," Jim bit out sarcastically. "I'll just call him right up and fix everything."
Blair held his hands up in a placating gesture. "Hey, man, I'm just telling you what I think. Don't jump all over me."
Jim inhaled and then let out a long breath. "I'm sorry, Chief. I'm just frustrated here."
"I know." Blair hit the button on the elevator and the car started upward again. "At least we know the trigger. Now we just need a solution. But Jim, there is no way I'm letting you go on that trip tomorrow without me. I'm not risking you zoning while I'm a hundred miles away." He glanced up at Jim. "Did you already tell your dad I wasn't going?"
Jim grimaced and nodded. "I called him this morning."
"Great," Blair grumbled. "He'll be thrilled to hear I changed my mind."
"Do you want me to cancel the whole thing?"
"No, your father would just blame me and that would be even worse." Blair shook his head. "I don't see any other choice here, man. I have to go."
Suddenly Jim smiled widely, clapping him on the back. "Good. I wanted you to go anyway."
/
/
/
Why am I awake?
Jim sat up in bed, blinking into the darkness, waiting for his eyes to adjust. An unsettling feeling wrapped itself around him, tightening his chest. Something's wrong. The two words flashed through his mind even as he realized what it was--Blair was not in his room. He could hear his guide's heartbeat--strong, calm--but it wasn't coming from the room beneath his.
Leaning over, he glanced down into the shadowy living area below. Blair sat on the couch facing the balcony doors, staring out at the blackness beyond the glass.
"Chief?"
Blair jumped, his gaze shifting upward. "Jeez, Jim. You scared the hell out of me."
Jim's glanced quickly at the clock beside his bed. Three a.m. "What are you doing up? It's the middle of the night."
"Just thinking." His gaze shifted away from Jim.
