Smart women make a point of educating themselves about all the changes that their bodies are undergoing at this phase of their lives, so they can respond in the best ways possible. After all, if you know what to expect, and why it’s happening, you can make well considered decisions about your health and how you want to age.
The tricky part is figuring out reliable sources for this information. The internet is full of sites that want to sell you things you don’t need or that are actually harmful. Look for reliable sources of information and remember that if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is. You need to be your own best advocate.
It may surprise you to learn that studies show that many women consider their 50s to be the best or happiest decade of their lives. We know who we are, we know what we want, and we’re not afraid to go after it. We often have more control over our lives and are more sure of ourselves. But an important lesson of midlife is to make sure you carve out more time for you and make changes that will help ensure that you continue to be healthy and active so you can continue to be the person you want to be. That means learning more about what’s happening to your body. Getting more exercise to maintain cardiovascular health, flexibility, balance, and strength. Making sure you get physicals and health screenings so any problems that pop up are dealt with early and promptly. In short, be as mindful about your own health as you are about the health of those you love. Remember that taking good care of yourself increases the chances that you’ll continue to be there for all the people you love.2
I am heeding Wingert’s admonitions as I enter this phase of my life, and having fun while doing it.
24. Silent Disco Party
There is something so rewarding about dancing. It’s almost spiritual—you let loose, you feel free, you get endorphins from the exercise.
—Julianne Hough
We donned our earphones to tune into the same playlist. Then we danced with reckless abandon in the middle of a park/traffic circle in Washington, D.C.
A group in D.C. that I met via their free yoga offerings has a unique mission in our nation’s capital: “WithLoveDC is a movement to spread love, joy, and acceptance throughout the District. Join us in our mission to make this world a better place, one smile, hug, or random act of kindness at a time.”3 It was started by a remarkable young woman, Heather Markowitz, whose presence in my life is such a gift. She epitomizes for me the kind of life I would have liked for myself in my 20s, and the joy I am infusing my life with now.
One of the fun activities they periodically organize is a silent disco party in Dupont Circle, an urban park in the middle of a busy traffic circle. I know how important it is to remain active as I age, but I seek new forms of exercise now, and do not enjoy spending a lot of time in a gym. Dancing is a much more fun way for me to work up a sweat.
Participants in the silent disco parties go to the group’s website and download a playlist of music. At the appointed start time, we put on our own headphones or earbuds, start our music, and start dancing. Hilarity ensues. We are all crazily boogieing around the circle and only we can hear the music. Talk about dancing like no one is watching. . . .
WithLoveDC also organizes “adult recess” sessions around town. Participants meet at the appointed place and time and play tag, hide and seek, leapfrog, or whatever. The point is unadulterated fun.
If you do not know of any groups in your area that do fun things, check out Meetup.com. Meetup brings people together in thousands of cities “to do more of what they want to do in life.”
It is organized around one simple idea: When we get together and do the things that matter to us, we’re at our best. And that’s what Meetup does. It brings people together to do, explore, teach and learn the things that help them come alive.
For example, people run marathons, thanks to running Meetups. They write, thanks to writing Meetups. They change their careers, thanks to career Meetups. Because at Meetups, people welcome each other. They talk, help, mentor, and support each other—all in pursuit of moving their lives forward.4
I attended a lecture at National Geographic in which the researcher, who studied happiness, found that those who join groups are generally happier.5 Moreover, by joining something, you may allow yourself the opportunity to enjoy pure, childlike fun.
What is the point of life if you do not allow yourself to have fun? If you worry that you have too much to do to take time for silliness, you may not realize that productivity often increases when we allow ourselves leisure and recreational time.6 Besides, if we keep postponing doing something fun until the right time, it may never come.
Maybe there is a group activity you would like to try out. The Internet makes it so much easier to search for what is available, wherever you live. Take a look. It may just change your life.
25. Yogi
Yoga allows you to find an inner peace that is not ruffled and riled by the endless stresses and struggles of life.
—B. K. S. Iyengar7
I incorporated a yoga practice into my life. I especially enjoy doing yoga outdoors. Free yoga is offered outside via With Love DC8 at the U.S. Botanic Garden, and in the majestic Kennedy Center by another group. When I was in Manhattan, I took advantage of the free yoga offered in New York’s Bryant Park, and attended by hundreds. Yoga has gone mainstream.
There are many levels and styles of yoga offered in studios that have cropped up all over our country, as well as online. I have tried aerial yoga, “primal” yoga, hot yoga, dance yoga, and acroyoga, as well as the more traditional types such as Ashtanga and Vinyasa. I signed up this fall for a yoga triathlon with an organization called Wanderlust, which involves running five kilometers and then doing yoga and meditation.9 I have seen yoga classes involving poses on standup paddleboards in water, but have not tried them—yet.
One need not be in good shape or athletic to start a yoga practice. Most teachers encourage yoga students to go at their own paces, to modify poses and rest as necessary. As one of my yoga instructors says, the best thing about yoga is that it is supposed to feel good.
Yoga is now accessible to all. My local studio has “gentle yoga,” “super gentle yoga,” and restorative yoga classes, as well as very advanced classes or specialized classes, such as yoga for those who suffer from depression. Prenatal yoga has become more popular, as has yoga for children. Some yoga classes are akin to simple stretching instruction. Once you learn a few poses, you can practice at home for as long or as little as you like. Or you can learn yoga online, via books, or on television, though I feel buoyed by the vibration of doing yoga with others.
The physical and mental benefits of yoga have been widely publicized, and most cities and towns are populated with yoga studios. Yoga practice is credited with easing stress and hypertension, and a panoply of other ailments. Its meditative aspects benefit the mind as well.10 And it is good for your body, yielding increased flexibility and better digestion, for example. One of my friends claims that she is an inch taller since incorporating yoga into her life (probably by improving her posture). Simply doing the warrior pose makes me feel fierce and more ready to face whatever I need to do.
Yoga is not supposed to be competitive, though I have felt that vibe in a couple of studios and tried to ignore it, or moved to another studio. Find a place where you are comfortable.
The first time I joined in the group chant of “om,” I felt a little self-conscious. The sacred Sanskrit mantra om is frequently uttered together at the beginning or end of a yoga class. It is a word difficult to define, but it encompasses the interconnectedness of all. It is a resonant sound that I can feel deeply in my chest. The hum of the extended sound vibrates between the lips. It feels cleansing and unifying when I give it my all. And uniting with other voices in this way can be a powerful experience.
The lovely word “namaste” is usually said together at the end of yoga classes. It is a sign of respect and gratitude. Trans
lations differ, but it loosely means, “the light in me honors the light in you”—a lovely sentiment that always makes me smile.
One of my yoga teacher friends, Rebecca Elsen, calls doing good works yoga in action. I like to think about that when I am helping another person or doing another kind of good deed.
Yoga master Swami Satchidananda calls one of yoga’s main teachings to “free yourself from depending on people, possessions, and even events for your happiness, and to realize and experience the true happiness that comes from within.”11 I definitely feel more energized after doing yoga and grateful that I was able to practice this act of self-care. I consider yoga a time-out from everything (cell phones are verboten) and gift to myself.
Jeff Krasno cofounded Wanderlust, a series of large-scale festivals around the world that combine yoga and wellness with the arts.12 He calls Wanderlust’s approach to yoga an “overarching principle for living” that incorporates a lifestyle of “practice, consuming ethically, eating locally, and living an inspired life.”13 Many in the yoga field use the word “mindfulness” when it comes to yoga. In these ways, the yoga lifestyle will be something I intend to keep in my life for the rest of my days.
I splurged on a yoga retreat, to lovely Costa Rica. My ex-sister-in-law, who was between cancer treatments, wanted to go, which helped me self-justify the cost, and Costa Rica was on my bucket list. I did some research and found a retreat on the less expensive side.
Costa Ricans speak of their culture as “Pura Vida.” Simply translated, it means “Pure Life.” To Costa Ricans, however, it has a much deeper meaning. It is a way of living a peaceful, simple life and an expression of eternal optimism, whatever one’s circumstances may be. And it is contagious. I challenge everyone to try to spend some time in Costa Rica to try to absorb this omnipresent outlook. Pura Vida encapsulates the life philosophy I want to tend.
A taxi driver related to me a widely held belief among his countrymen: When Hitler was looking at a map, a fly was covering Costa Rica, which spared them from Hitler’s wrath. Costa Rica emerged unscathed from World War II. Similarly, the big earthquake of 1987 had the same intensity it had in surrounding countries, but spared their country any significant damage. The Costa Ricans believe that their positive energy breeds good fortune. They claim to have no sharks, and the country has no army. They don’t need one. Somehow, their neighboring countries’ drug trade bypasses Costa Rica.
An interesting thing happened during the retreat to a participant who had many complaints (about a lack of hot water in her shower, the class not being of a style she liked, etc.). During one of the yoga classes, she pushed herself far too hard and was injured. She was taken away by an ambulance, and her trip was cut short. Was this a coincidence? Or a result of karma?
The delightful yoga instructor on the retreat, Rebecca Bly, gave me some new language I incorporated into my daily discourse. “Add a little sugar to the movement,” she would say during yoga. I like the notion of adding sweetness to what we do each day, figuratively speaking. We do not know how much time we have left in this life. Why not make our time as sweet as it can be?
“If it is interesting to you, join me in this variation,” was another of Rebecca’s favorite phrases. With this, she reminded me of the need to accept people where they were. We all have different gifts and abilities. Who says one way is the right way? I need this as a frequent reminder.
While in Costa Rica, we also zip-lined above the trees. It was thrilling! We saw monkeys as we flew by. I even flew upside down! One of the playful zip-lining guides sort of tricked me into doing that, but it was exhilarating.
My typically adventurous sister-in-law was very fearful as we climbed the platform to begin zip-lining. I was surprised. We talked about it afterward. Because she has had to face her mortality due to metastasized cancer, she is less willing to compromise her safety. She has three adult children and would like as much time on this earth as possible. She pushed herself to complete the zip-lining course, however, and I was so proud of her.
Even though I am fearful of heights, I was not scared during the zip-lining. I am no longer afraid of death, not in a throw-caution-to-the-wind sort of way, but in an uninhibited, open-to-adventure sort of way. Now that my children are adults, I believe they can thrive without me if something were to happen. The lessons I want to impart to them are in my writings, if they wish to read them, and in my living amends to them. I am drinking fully from the cup of life now. I’m free and willing to live la Pura Vida!
Yoga is such a positive, affirming experience for me. It is meant to bring flexibility, balance, and strength to one’s body and centeredness to one’s mind. It reminds me to slow down and to guard against negativity.
Yoga can be a way of life. My friend Pleasance Silicki has used yoga to form “a community of people who thrive to live well and nourish all the relationships in their lives.”14 Her life mission is “to inspire communities and create meaningful connections through yoga, play, meditation, journaling, reflection, laughter, and honest conversations.”15 She started her organization, “lil omm,” out of “a deep desire to connect with like-minded women who felt as passionate about yoga as they did their families,” and encourages others to find communities or to create them if they cannot find them.16
Sometimes it can be hard for people to be vulnerable, to reach out for help. But I know that every time I reach out and say, “Hey—I need some help over here with this life stuff!” other women nod in agreement and inspire me. I have a lot of faith and trust in the ancient wisdom—Ayurveda, yoga, meditation, Buddhist philosophy—and I have seen profound shifts in my own life as a result of my studies and application. Finding our way home to our true nature, simplifying our lives and connecting with others—these are essential to well-being in our modern world. And yoga is one way to explore these topics.17
Pleasance has many devotees in the Washington, D.C., area, where she teaches stress reduction and healthy habits via a course she calls “Thrive” that explores intentional living, yoga for women classes, sacred circles, and retreats. I am signed up for her “Pause” yoga and meditation retreat this fall.
Pleasance is an amazing teacher who radiates joy and groundedness. I am grateful our paths have crossed.
I find that most people who practice yoga are more present and centered. They are drawn toward gentleness of spirit. It is a community that I want in my life, especially now. I hope you will join a community of yogis near you.
26. Who Rescued Whom?
People always joke that “dog” spells “god” backwards. They should consider that it might be the higher power coming down to see just how well they do, what kind of people they are. The animals are right here, right in front of us. And how we treat these companions is a test.
—Linda Blair
More often than not these days, I wake up with a hairy male panting on my face, and sometimes licking it. Then he uses his paws to pull the covers off of me. Though I generally do not enjoy being woken up, I cannot resist my Lab mix’s exuberance for life—and for me.
Who doesn’t love puppies? I sometimes distrust people who dislike dogs. I should have heeded this red flag during my speed dating days. In fact, if I ever date again, that will be a preliminary candidate screening question.
Becoming an empty-nester was a difficult transition for me. Having my kids grow up and become independent was not easy for me either, even though that is the point of good parenting. I have a need to nurture someone. For a while, I fulfilled this need years ago by fostering newborn babies awaiting adoption, which was a beautiful and humbling experience. I am honored to be a part of one of my former foster children’s lives to this day.
My current working situation does not allow me to foster babies. Nor does my need for sleep. So I adopted a dog from Lab Rescue, and signed up to foster dogs awaiting adoption.
According to the American Society for the Prevention of Crue
lty to Animals, approximately 6.5 million animals enter U.S. shelters every year, and approximately 1.5 million of those are euthanized.18 There is a great need for animals to be adopted by loving owners.
Dogs can be good teachers. They make us play and exercise with them. They make us smile and laugh. They remind us to stretch. They are empathic and full of unconditional love. They are trusting and observant. I just added a book of essays regarding dogs as spiritual teachers to my reading list.19 And I love the aspirational plaque my sponsor has on display: “Be the person your dog thinks you are.”
Studies show that petting an animal can lower blood pressure. The beneficial cardiovascular effect of talking to and petting dogs has been documented, even by the National Institutes of Health.20 Anecdotally, I certainly agree with the finding.
I have met several people who have therapy dogs who accompany them everywhere. Veterans with post-traumatic stress disorder are using therapy dogs with increasing frequency. A man in my neighborhood lost 20 pounds simply by adding rigorous dog walks to his daily routine. Perhaps having pets as we enter older age would benefit everyone.
I was not used to being alone. Having my dog with me—yes, I allow him to sleep in my bed—really gives me comfort. He loves me unconditionally and showers, eh, slobbers me with kisses. He makes me feel needed and very much alive.
The early puppy days can be challenging, of course. Maybe a cat would be less time-consuming, but still bring you needed benefits. Cats can be left alone longer.
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