“A club? Is it Underworld?”
Both of them shook their head. “It’s a private club. I can’t tell you the name, because that’s how private it is, but I can tell you that it’s open every Saturday night, and Milo goes a lot.”
“Well, he went a lot before you moved in with him,” Juliet said. “Not so much the last few weeks. Our friends have been asking about him.”
“You go to this club too?”
Ella nodded. “Occasionally. Not so much anymore. It’s harder to go when you’re in a monogamous relationship, because of the sharing rule.”
“The sharing rule?”
Juliet jumped in. “There are five rules for submissives at The G—” She mashed her lips shut. “At this secret club. The first is that you have to be taken there by a sponsor, a Dominant who’s a member. You can’t just show up. The second rule is that your sponsor can share you with anyone else who’s there.”
My mouth dropped open. Two rules in, and I was aghast. “You mean, strangers?”
“Sometimes. Most of them you kind of know.”
“You guys were shared like that?” When they nodded, a thousand questions sprang to my mind. “What—How—?”
“It’s just the way things are there, the bawdy atmosphere. It’s a very free place, and everyone shares the same kinks. All the guys are sadist Doms, and the women are masochistic subs. Most of them get off on being passed around.”
“It sounds worse than it is,” said Ella, jumping in.
“Anyway, that’s what happens there,” Juliet said. “And Milo’s into that, but he’s pretty sure you wouldn’t be. It stresses him out a lot.”
“Do you still go? With Fort?” I stared in disbelief at her engagement ring.
“Sometimes we go, and sometimes he invites other people into our scenes, men and women. We have to be in a certain mood, but it can be exciting. You don’t think so, though,” she said, reading my face. “And Milo’s aware of that. He told Fort he didn’t want to get into a deeper relationship with you for fear you’d get freaked out at all his perversions.”
“What are the other rules?” Now that I’d heard a couple of them, I needed to know them all. I needed to know what I was dealing with here, when it came to Milo’s “perversions.”
“Let’s see,” said Ella. “Rule three, no safe words allowed.”
“No safe words? That’s not acceptable. It’s not safe, sane, and consensual if you can’t end a scene.”
“It’s kind of a fetish thing,” said Juliet. “And it’s acceptable to people who are into playing that way. It’s called consensual non-consent.”
“But…” I’d never heard of this consensual non-consent thing in my research. “If they’re doing real BDSM, they have to use safe words, right?”
“What’s real BDSM, though?” asked Juliet. “Every woman who goes to the club signs a form at the door agreeing to the rules, including the non-use of safe words. As long as everyone gets off on it, it’s okay.”
I wanted to argue, but I felt my lack of experience while I searched for the right words. Could she be right? I didn’t know. I was a beginner. I had no idea things like “no safe words” could even go on. “What else?” I asked.
“There’s a uniform,” said Juliet. “Rule four is that all the women have to wear it.”
“Your tits and ass hang out.” Ella grinned. “But it is pretty flattering in a harness-corset kind of way.”
“I like the stockings.”
“Oh, yes,” said Ella. “And the collar.”
“You have to wear a collar?” I asked.
“All women wear the same uniform and collar, in order to show their submission to the men. And the last rule is just that you have to follow the other rules, or you aren’t allowed to play there. The whole thing is very gothic-pervert, but when you’re in the club and everyone’s scening together, you get turned on. You can’t help it.”
“Well…” Juliet regarded me with sympathy. “Most people get turned on.”
I didn’t know what to think. I remembered Milo’s pained expression when I’d talked about Underworld, thinking I was so “in the know.” He must have been trying not to laugh.
“This is a lot to take in,” I said, as the silence lengthened. “But thank you for telling me. I understand now why he felt like…like I might not get into that side of him.”
“He didn’t want to hurt you,” Juliet said. “He kept repeating that to Fort, that he wanted you so much, but he didn’t want to hurt you. He wants to preserve the friendship you’ve had all these years. He told Fort it was ‘so pure.’ He wants to keep being your friend, Alice. That’s why he regrets things going as far as they did.”
It’s too dangerous. I’m afraid you don’t really understand the sexual sadism thing. That’s what he’d told me after he took me to his dungeon, tormented me, fucked me in the ass.
“What are…” I swallowed hard, not knowing how to ask. “What are the worst things he likes to do there? Like, the most extreme stuff?”
Ella and Juliet exchanged a glance, and Ella said, “Oh, Alice, it’s nothing criminal. It’s not extreme in a BDSM sense. He’s not killing women or anything.”
It didn’t reassure me that “he’s not killing women” was their initial qualifier. “What is he doing to women, then?” I asked.
“He’s a sadist, a hardcore sadist,” said Juliet. “Like, not in a cute, slap and tickle, sugar-coated kind of way. He’s not into fur paddles and pink ball gags. He likes to get a pain reaction, and make his partners cry. He likes to gang up on women who are already being dominated, so they’ll hurt worse. He uses whips, clamps, uncomfortable bondage. He slaps women and chokes them.”
“He slapped me so many times once that Devin beat him up,” added Ella. “I mean, I was enjoying it.” A flush rose beneath her neck and cheeks. “I’m sorry, I’m making things worse.”
“Definitely,” said Juliet.
“No, it’s okay.” Just wait a minute, while I try to process the image of Milo slapping you hard enough to anger your boyfriend, and you liking it.
“He wasn’t hitting me that hard. It was kinky fun, but Devin has issues around abuse.”
Juliet broke in. “Everyone has issues around abuse at The Gallery, because that’s not what BDSM is about.”
“Now you said the name of it.” Ella shook a finger at her friend, then turned to me. “Please forget you heard that.”
“Excuse me for being shaken up that you would tell Alice about that whole debacle with Dev.” Juliet covered her eyes, then took a breath. “Believe me, it wasn’t abusive slapping, and that’s not the only thing Milo does there, go around slapping women across the face.”
“And when he played with the two of us, that’s all it was—play. There was no emotional attachment. It was just kinky stuff, because I was with Devin, and Juliet has been in love with Fort since way before she met Milo.”
“So he’s played with both of you?”
Now Juliet was blushing too. “Yeah. A handful of times. Literally, I can count on one hand the number of times.”
“We don’t really like to play with him, because he’s so…” Ella paused. “So hard to play with. He’s not afraid to leave bruises, or, you know, make you gag and cry. But he only plays as hard as you can take. He never did anything to Juliet or me that was too much. When he wants to do really extreme stuff, he plays with women who enjoy that kind of scening.”
“Right,” Juliet agreed. “The Dominants at The Gallery have a code they follow too, their own set of rules they self-enforce. To be members, they have to agree not to take more than any sub is willing to give, and to never, ever fuck with the vulnerable. That’s a big one, to only bring women to The Gallery who can handle it.” She paused, probably thinking that I was iffy in that regard. “Milo’s always been really careful about picking partners. He ends up with the wildest subs because they want a Dom with his intensity. It’s always consensual, even if the club’s a ‘no safe word’ envi
Women who can handle him. In other words, women who weren’t me. I’m not rejecting you, he’d told me. I’m trying to protect you. We didn’t have a future because he thought I’d never be able to enjoy the things he was into.
“I’m glad you came here to talk to me about this,” I said, close to tears. “It was hard to hear, but at least I understand now. He didn’t tell me any of this, he just said we wouldn’t work out.”
“Do you love him?” asked Juliet.
I blinked at her. “Of course I do. I suppose I always will, on some existential level. Does that matter now?”
“I’m only asking because I wasn’t that hardcore when I met Fort. I mean, I never would have considered going to a place with those crazy rules, but I fell for him so hard that I gave it a try, and I ended up being more into it than I expected.”
“That’s true,” said Ella. “You might never be into the edgiest stuff he likes, but if you go up the kink ladder to meet him, maybe he can come down to meet you, and you can connect somewhere in the middle.”
I frowned. “Not sure I want him to have to go backwards for me.”
“He would, though,” said Juliet. “I heard him talking to Fort. I heard the pain in his voice.” She touched me with her sparkling-ring hand. “No love is perfect, you know? There are always compromises. Milo’s rarely the compromising type, but I’m sure he’d do it for you.”
Ella let out a soft sigh. “Well, we’ve given you a lot to think about. We’ll get out of your hair, but if you need anything, or if you have any problems with the apartment, you have my number.”
“Thanks.”
We all stood, me and the two other women Milo had “scened” with. I thanked them again at the door, for their candor, and for their clarification of Milo’s issues. I understood now why he’d never confide the extent of his BDSM life to me. Because yes, I would have tried anything to win his heart. I would have put on the sexy uniform and collar and given myself to other men if that’s what he required to make things work. I might not have liked it, but I would have done it. He wasn’t only protecting me from him, when he shot down our continuing relationship.
He was protecting me from myself.
Chapter Thirteen: Milo
I was working late when my phone rang, flashing Fort’s name. I put down the delicate body of Alice’s violin, only recently assembled and glued. “What’s up?” I asked.
“Hey, Milo. Are you on speaker?”
“No.”
“So…” He paused. I could hear a soft female whine over the connection. “I have a bad little subbie here beside me, confessing that she tried to make things better between you and Alice, and may have ended up making things worse.”
I imagined him twisting her nipple, drawing out those whining cries. “You’d better start at the beginning,” I said.
“I guess Juliet overheard some of our conversation the other night.”
Fuck. The conversation we’d had over two bottles of wine, while I was feeling emo as shit?
“She knows she’s not supposed to eavesdrop.” He paused as the whine rose to a cry. “But she was worried about you, and she thought if she spoke to Alice, she could help her understand…what was it you said, darling?”
“Help her understand about Milo,” said a soft voice.
“What about Milo?”
I didn’t hear anything else for a moment, only crying. “Fort, don’t torment her,” I said. “I’m sure she meant well.”
“Maybe, but I beat her little tail anyway. She and Ella paid a visit to Alice to tell her the reason you were resisting a relationship, and I’m afraid they told her too much.”
“Too much?” I asked.
“Too much. Everything. You. Me. Them. Your kinks. The Gallery.”
I sucked in a breath. “They told Alice about The Gallery?”
“She said they didn’t mean to, but the name slipped out. They were in the process of telling her the rules—”
“Fuck. That’s not okay.”
“I know, I know. If you want, you can come over and punish her too.”
I was tempted. The Gallery’s members were sworn to discretion. But I doubted there was much left of her “little tail” to punish, judging by her whimpers in the background. “I don’t want to punish her any more, but I need to speak to her. Will you put her on the phone?”
“Sure.”
“I’m sorry, Milo,” she wailed a moment later. I held the phone a little farther from my ear as she apologized two more times. “We didn’t mean to say so much to Alice. It just came out. We were trying to help her understand you better.”
“It sounds like you did a bang up job of that.” I softened the edge in my voice. “I know you were trying to help, but I didn’t want her to know those things about me.”
“She didn’t react badly. Well, I mean, she was surprised.” Juliet sniffled. “It was a lot for her to take in.”
“You must have known it would be,” I scolded. “And it was my private business. My choice whether to tell her or not.”
“I know. We only wanted to help. When we got there, Ella and I could tell she’s been feeling sad without you. Her eyes had that look, you know?”
Her words stabbed into my heart. Yes, I knew that look. I remembered it from the days after the Michelin building caught fire, and she lost everything.
“So…what did she say?” I wanted to know, even though I dreaded knowing. “Did she look scared? Disgusted?”
Juliet’s pause told me everything I needed to know. “I think it was just a shock, Milo. And then Ella spilled about the time you were slapping her, and Dev beat you up, and it came out that you’d played with the two of us, also.”
“Ah,” I said, anger flaring along my nerves. “So you told her absolutely everything. I might come punish you after all.”
“You can if you want,” she said, breaking up in sobs. “I deserve it, but maybe wait until tomorrow.”
I heard a yelp, probably Fort pinching one of the welts he’d deposited on her ass, to make her cry so hard.
“If he wants to punish you, he can do it anytime,” Fort said sternly.
“Tell your Sir to give you some corner time with clamps on,” I said, “while you think about discretion and privacy. Put him back on the phone.”
She apologized once more and handed it over. While I waited for Fort to come back on, I thought of ways I might put a positive spin on what had happened. I couldn’t think of one.
“I’m back,” he said. “And she’s in the corner. She’s really sorry, Milo.”
“At least she told you what she did. Otherwise, I wouldn’t know that Alice knows.”
“Jules meant well, but Jesus, she rarely fucks up this bad. We haven’t had a punishment session in a while. I’m sure Ella’s also feeling Devin’s wrath right about now.”
“Which she deserves.”
He chuckled at my irritated response. “Look, this is life, man. Try not to be too torn up about it all.”
I thought a moment before I spoke. “I would have preferred to keep that part of my life away from her, but if she knows, she knows. At least she understands now. I guess that’s what Juliet and Ella were aiming for. Anyway, I’d better go.” I looked down at the violin I was making for Alice. “Give your naughty sub a hug when she’s done with her corner time. Tell her I forgive her.”
“Will do. Talk to you soon.”
We hung up, and I was left with silence and spiraling thoughts. Would it have been better to tell her on my own, rather than having her learn about The Gallery from someone else? Too late to do anything about that now.
I’d have to see Alice soon, to make final adjustments to her violin before I assembled it for good. Stronger glue, more varnish, and tighter strings so she could make any tone she wanted. I traced the small heart I’d hidden in this instrument’s wood grain. Still in the same place on the back, but less obvious this time, because I was better at hiding things than I’d been when I was a younger man.
Maybe I could catch her after one of her Met Orchestra concerts, and make her play a few notes so I could see how my earlier measurements had fared. I wasn’t looking forward to the awkwardness, but I still loved her, and I was making her a violin with my heart on it and in it, whether she wanted the damn thing or not.
*
I bought a ticket to her Met concert the following night, and worked myself up all day to see her. So she knew about me and The Gallery, and whatever else Jules and Ella had told her in some effort to “fix things” between us. Okay. There was no way to go back.
But we were still longtime friends, and fellow musicians. My mind wandered as I watched her play. I tried to read the set of her shoulders and the way she pursed her lips. Her hair looked braided to the point of painful tightness, and she wasn’t happy with the violin she was playing. I could tell by the way she overplayed notes that ought to have been light and carefree. They were doing Mozart tonight. Poor thing.
After the show, it was easy to get backstage. The Fierro name counted for a lot in the music world, especially when I was carrying a violin case under my arm. I asked around until I found Alice in a mostly deserted corridor, chatting with a couple other violinists. One of the two men wanted to sleep with her, or had already slept with her, based on his body language. I gritted my teeth and leaned against the wall where she would see me and the violin case. I didn’t want to join her conversation, but I also wouldn’t let her leave without talking to me. When she tried to slip away, pretending not to see me, I called out her name.
“Lilly-Alice!”
Then I wondered why I’d used her full name. To show her I meant business? To remind her that I’d known her during her Lala years?
“Hi,” she said, turning to me. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to watch you play.”
She couldn’t hold my gaze. “I didn’t think you liked Mozart.”
“I don’t. Not my favorite. But I wanted to see you, and I wanted to bring you this.”
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