by Bellus, HJ
“You know her Scout, she’s stubborn, and once hurt like this, I doubt she ever will.”
“Oren deserves the right to explain himself.”
“I know he does. I just don’t think it will ever happen and right now she gets too worked up. She just needs to heal.”
“I know,” Scout agrees. “But she needs him to heal.
* * *
Dear Diary,
The life of a complete loser. I’m really kicking around the idea of writing my autobiography and titling it that. Yes, I’ve moved in with my dad, sleep on the couch because there’s no way I can go in my old bedroom, and have perfected being a hermit. I have another week before I have to go back to work, which I’m dreading like no other. I’m sure my class is a wreck and my new students wild. Turning a wrench with my dad and Diesel sounds pretty damn good now.
Love, O
PS- I miss him.
Physical therapy is going well. My back is the only part killing me, but I guess with time, it will heal too. My heart, on the other hand, never will. The crisp autumn air helps kick some of the depression to the curb. Pedro loves his walks around the neighborhood bounding out on his leash.
“Pooping again? Good hell, Pedro.”
Using my little baggie I scoop it up; he tugs on the leash, pulling the handle from my hand. The sound spooks him and he runs. The more he runs, the louder the handle clangs on the sidewalk.
“Pedro.”
I toss the bag to the ground and try to jog as fast as I can to catch up with him, yelling his name the entire time. The leash wraps around a pole and I think it’s stopped him, but the harder he pulls, he wiggles out of his Velcro harness.
“Pedro.” I use my voice to get his attention. Nothing works and soon he’s gone, out of sight.
I plop down on the curb and burst into tears. There goes the other love of my life.
“Olivia?” I look up to my dad in his work truck.
“Pedro just ran away.” I get out between my tears.
Dad gets out of his truck, pulls me from the curb, and tucks me into the passenger seat. “Let’s go home, honey.”
“I lost him, Dad, I lost him.” The tears stream down my face.
“He’ll come back, honey.”
“Or get run over or find another woman who is prettier with big ol’ boobies and blonde hair.”
“Olivia, you need to settle down.”
“Yeah, Dad, I’ve lost my damn mind.”
“I’ll go call animal patrol and the neighbors.” Dad kills the engine and runs inside. He doesn’t address my craziness of losing Pedro and Oren.
I sit on the porch huddled on the front swing, crying. Dusk is beginning to settle over the city and no sign of Pedro. I’m beginning to lose hope when a cop car pulls up. I sprint down the steps and sidewalk. What if he’s dead? I can’t do this.
I don’t even notice Oren standing in front of the driver door until I’m face to face with him.
“Hi Olivia.”
I swallow my pride and will the tears to stay at bay. I’m sure my puffy red eyes give enough away.
When he realizes I’m not going to talk to him, he turns and opens his door.
“Here Pedro. I found your momma,” Oren says into the car.
“Pedro,” I squeal when Oren hands over the little fur ball to me. “You scared the shit out of me.”
I look up to Oren. “Thanks.”
When I turn towards the house, my dad is behind me, but I don’t stay. Scurrying back up to the house, I nuzzle Pedro and will myself to forget the sight and smell of Oren. It’s just another strike to my already shattered heart.
I watch through the window as Dad and Oren talk for a good thirty minutes.
“Movie tonight?” Pops asks as he walks through the front door.
“Yeah, I have it ready.”
“Give me a few minutes to get out of my work clothes.”
“Okay, Dad.”
I stay on the couch huddled up with Pedro. I want to beat the shit out of him for running like that and I also want to hug the shit out of him. Everything inside of me wilted up at the sight of Pedro fleeing. The fucker was off for the border, I swear.
“Popcorn?” Dad hands a teal bowl overflowing with popcorn towards me.
“No, I’m trying to quit.” I wave him off while staring at him and Mom’s wedding picture. “Dad, do you think you can sign me up to be a mail order bride and ship me to a foreign country.”
“It doesn’t work that way, honey.” He sits close to me, wrapping an arm around me. I melt into his safe haven.
“I don’t know how to live anymore. It sounds stupid, but I’m hurt.” Tears begin rolling down my face like they always do when I attempt to talk about my feelings.
“I know you’re hurting, sweetie. Mom and I had bad times, too.”
“Did you lie to her about another woman?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Then you don’t get it at all Dad and it’s not fair to compare the two.”
“Your mom cried for nearly the first year of our marriage. Every night she’d roll over to face the window and cry. She wanted to go back to her family and things she knew. I tried to help her, but she had to do it in her own time. I placed an envelope of cash for her in her drawer and told her she could leave whenever she wanted to.”
“But she stayed,” I whisper.
“She did. We both fought to make it, never giving up on each other.”
“Still not the same, Pops.”
“Olivia, I need to talk to you about something.”
“Oh for Christ sake’s Dad, you can take me off suicide alert.”
“Oren came by the shop today.”
I bolt up from his chest. “Dad.”
“Olivia, you will sit and listen to me.”
“Dad,” I warn again. “I’m already hurting enough. Why are you doing this to me?”
“Because you need to hear him out and since you won’t, I’m going to tell you.”
“I’m hurt enough.” I cuddle back into the arm of the chair and face my dad.
“What if this helps you heal? Just listen, Olivia, and then I’ll never bring it up again.
I nod and clutch a throw pillow to my chest like it even stands a chance of protecting my already shattered heart.
“Oren was engaged before he moved here. He broke it off to the dismay of his family. His parents pretty much disowned him since he wouldn’t marry his high school sweetheart. Rachel was a close family friend as well.”
“Don’t say her name, Dad.”
“Are you listening, Olivia?”
“He wasn’t engaged. It had been broke off for nearly a year and Rachel came here to try to reconnect.”
“Well, he was in his boxers Dad, with the shower running. Sounds like she made it happen.”
“He answered the door thinking it was you and it was her. She wouldn’t leave and he did his best to ignore her and then you showed up.”
“Are you defending him?”
“Yes, Olivia, I am. Dammit.” Dad slams the bowl of popcorn on the coffee table. Several pieces scatter across the table and topple to the beige carpet. “He’s so tore up that he’s leaving town, Olivia. Can’t stand the fact you were hurt because of him. I’ve never seen a man so torn up. He’s put in for a transfer and if you don’t do something about it, you’ll lose him forever.”
Dad stands to his feet. “I know what it feels like to lose the love of your life. Oren’s lost that and his family.”
21
Lost and Hurt
The last three nights have been a sleepless hell, not even the strongest pain meds able to help. My dad has given me the cold shoulder since spilling about Oren. My thoughts are so blurred with wild emotion and hurt.
I knock once on the white door. Then knock two more times before it swings open.
“Olivia.” Oren’s out of breath standing inside his apartment and like always, he takes my breath away. He pulls the door open wider, silent
ly inviting me in. Boxes are scattered all over his bare apartment. Looks like he’s moving on.
“I’m bringing this back to you.” I open up my palm to reveal his apartment key.
“Olivia.”
“Oren, don’t please.”
After several moments pass I set the key on his table, knowing he’s not going to take it on his own.
“My dad told me everything.”
“Just let me tell you how sorry I am.”
“When you went back to California for that re-certification.”
“I lied.” He drops his head. “I went to get the rest of my things out of storage.”
In a bold move, he reaches out for my arm and tugs me to the couch.
“I finally stood up for myself and left home. My transfer brought me here and I’ll never regret that. Olivia, I love you and have since the first day I saw you. Please just know that.” He pauses. “I know you hate me, but I’ll love you forever.”
“Did you go to see her in California?”
“Olivia, do you remember when I opened up about my family at the lake?”
I only nod not ready to hear the rest.
“She was part of my parent’s plan. We were in love a long time ago, but it faded, it was dumb high school shit, but my parents love her. They love her looks, last name, and the fact her father is the mayor of our town. They love her. I don’t and broke it off.”
“Did you sleep with her when she was here?”
“Fuck no!” Oren whirls around, sending his fist through the plaster on the wall, leaving behind a huge hole. “How could you even think that Olivia?”
I stand with anger coursing through my veins. “What in the hell am I supposed to think, Oren? I show up and there’s a gorgeous blonde on your bed claiming she’s your fiancé. You fucking tell me!”
“She’s not my fiancé, Olivia.”
“You had her in your goddamn room while you were in your boxers!”
“She wouldn’t leave.” He raises his voice to a roar. “She’s a fucking psycho.”
I step up to him and thump with each word I speak. “You are a chicken shit, Oren. A fucking coward. You knew I was scared and vulnerable and you used me.”
“I love you. I never used you, Olivia. You’re wrong.”
“I’m done here.” I spin on my heels to head for the door. My palm reaches the brass knob when I feel Oren press into my back.
“You’re not leaving like this again. I don’t care how much you hate me right now.”
“Let me go.” Sobs attack my voice as the flood of tears fall.
He dips his head lower to my neck. “I’m not letting go, Olivia, ever.”
“I still love you, Oren. I can’t sleep or function without you.”
“Will you please look at me?”
I slowly turn around until I’m facing him and my back is pressed up against the door. He clutches both sides of my face in his large palms.
“Give me another chance, please. Just sit down and let me be open about my past.”
“What if I just want to love you again?” I ask with a shaky voice.
“That’s all I want, baby, but please know I never cheated on you or was engaged when we started dating. That’s way in my past.”
“How do we move on? Also, how do we know she’ll never come back?”
“I pressed harassment charges on her. She’d blow up my email, texts, and any way possible. I had plenty of evidence. Just had to swallow my pride.”
“Oren, I love you. You’re my first love.” My voice hitches in raw emotion. “I’m going back to work and need to adjust. Please don’t move, but understand I need time. I’m so angry at you and the world; it’s wrong and I need to find that inner peace before we can be okay.”
“I’ll wait for you, Olivia. Take as long as you need. I’ll cancel my transfer. I’ll always be here for you.”
“You have to let me go now,” I say with a smile through my tears.
“I’m scared, Olivia. Last time…” he trails off then his tears fall. “I went after you throwing on clothes as fast as I could. I didn’t make it in time to stop you and the next thing I saw was your car tangled up in a pretzel.”
“I was so messed up in the head after seeing her in your room.”
“I held you in my arms praying to anyone that would listen to save you. I’ll never forgive myself, Olivia, never. I was ashamed of my past and it eventually ended up hurting you.”
“My actions hurt me. I should’ve asked questions and listened to you, but I ran and I’m never running again.”
Oren drops his forehead to mine. “I’m so sorry, Olivia.”
“Oren, you really are going to have to let me go.”
“I can’t. I don’t want to. I’m scared, O.”
“Trust.” I peck his lips with a soft kiss. “Trust is all we are going to have from here on out. Let me go.”
“Text me when you get home.”
“About that…” I scrunch up my nose. “I broke my phone because my wallpaper was a goofy pic of you fishing during our camping trip. My contract is up at the end of September and I can get a new phone.”
“Oh, Olivia, then call me when you get home from your landline.”
“I promise.”
Oren takes a tentative step back, giving me room to open the door and leave.
“I love you, Olivia.”
I shut the door behind me, stepping out into the sunshine and seeing everything in a different light. My footsteps aren’t so heavy, my heart not so shattered, and my soul shining with new hope.
Forgiveness is a funny creature. It takes courage to even step in the direction of it and even more strength to walk the path. If my mom could leave her homeland and find a new life here and eventually the love of her life; I can forgive, forget, and move on to something beautiful that I deserve.
22
School Is Back In Session, Bitches
“How long are you going to make the man wait?”
I shrug, tidying up my desk and check my phone to see if Oren has texted me back yet.
“I bet he has the worse case of blue balls known to man.”
“Whatever, Scout. You are worse than my dad. I swear the two of you would sell me on the black market to have Oren back in your life.”
“We totally would. I mean, he sent you that new phone and flowers every Monday at work.”
“He knows I need my time and has respected that. I have to fix myself before I can move on.”
“It’s been three months, Olivia. Hell, go to a counselor and get treatment for stripping naked in front of his ex.”
“Fuck off.” I toss my stapler at her.
“Two for one pizza at Jonny’s tonight, you in?” she asks.
“No, I have other plans, sorry.”
“Like what?” she pries.
“Like nun ya’ damn beeswax.”
“Fine, I’ll ask Diesel.”
“I knew it.” I slam the top of my desk. “He’s your crush.”
“Fuck off, Olander.”
“Oh my God, I’m right. “ I throw my bag over my shoulder and walk out with Scout. “Scout and Diesel sitting in a tree…”
“Really?” She rolls her eyes.
“You’re in,” I taunt until she ditches me for her own car.
“Are you going straight for pizza or coming home first?”
“Pizza, why?” she asks opening the door to her car.
“Because I’m going home and putting on my coat and heels.”
“About damn time, Olivia.”
I know it’s Oren’s night off and decided it’s time to jump back in. I’ve let the anger and fear go. Now it’s time to just live. Pain is a part of living if you want to love. You can’t have love without hurt or fear. I’m ready for it all.
I feed Pedro quickly and then get naked, once again conquering my fear and anxiety bundled up in the same coat with the same high heels on my feet and red lipstick on my lips.
This time
I knock on his door.
“Coming,” his deep voice booms from the other side. His smile instantly lights up when he sees me. “Olivia.”
“Oren, I’m ready.” I push him back into the apartment and step inside.
“The coat.”
“Let’s try this again.” I tug on the collar of his polo shirt.
“I was starting to think this would never happen.”
“Is anyone here?” I ask with a shy grin.
“Just my Tony the Tiger.”
I glance down at the enormous bulge in his khaki shorts and then push him back until he falls down on his couch.
“School’s in session.” I zip down the coat and let it fall to the floor.
“Miss Olander, I’ve been a very naughty boy.”
I straddle his lap, taking time to rub my center on the tent of his short and then kiss the piss out him. My lips attack his, leading the kiss, dipping and diving with my tongue soaking all of him up. Oren’s fingers dig into the sides of my hips. He moans into my mouth when I grind down on him. I reach down and pull his shirt off, leaning back a bit, letting him toss it over the couch
“Oh, how I love you, Big O,”I say with a huge smile on my face and then seal my lips back to his.
Epilogue
Dear Not So Virgin Diary,
I did it! I found the O, my Hot Cop, and happy ever after. Oren, Pedro, and I went house hunting today because that’s what newlyweds do, right? That’s right, maddafackas, I have a big ol’ shiny diamond ring on my finger. Want to know more about the wedding? Then you’ll have to read, “I Shaved My Legs For This;” it’s Scout’s story. Until then, may the O fairy bless you with endless orgasms and much love.
Love, Olivia O’Brien
PS-Avoid wine and vibrators…
Acknowledgments
Thank you to all the readers who always take a chance on my books. It’s your support that makes my writing career possible. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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