I was so disgusted with myself, so angry that I punched the wall as hard as I could. My hand went right through the wall, leaving a hole. I heard a yelp of shock come from Londynn. As I pull my hand from the wall I do the only thing I can now. “You need to go Londynn.”
“Jagger, please don’t do this…” I hear the pleading in her voice and it could easily break me, but I can’t let it. I can’t turn around and look at her because I know I’ll back out, but this has to be done. Our relationship is affecting other people now. It’s not just about us.
“Londynn. Go!” I holler, and it echoes around the empty building. The building that had held so much promise and hope this morning is now filled with heartbreak and defeat. When I don’t hear her leaving I yell again “Now!”
I hear her slowly make her way to the door and just before she leaves I hear her whisper “I’m sorry.” I stand there in the silent darkness and pray for the strength to make it through this heartbreak.
Chapter 29
Jagger
After Londynn left I had stood in the same spot for hours, or so it seemed. I stared at the hole I had punched in the wall. I let myself feel the pain that was suddenly taking over my body. I knew that I was taking a risk being with Londynn, but I had no idea it would be like this. The fact that Ace had been hurt because of my involvement with Londynn just proved yet again how wrong we were for each other. I kept hearing my phone ring, but I didn’t make a move to answer it. Why hadn’t Ace told us himself? Turning around I grabbed my phone without looking at it and headed to my car. Ace was the only one with answers and I intended to get them.
I took the first parking place I saw and made my way up to Ace’s room. When I got there Kynlee was sitting by his side. She must have seen something on my face because she quickly excused herself, leaving Ace and I alone. “Why didn’t you tell us?”
Ace shakes his head. “Because I knew this would happen if you knew. I knew that if you knew it was Ryce that you would blame yourself and Londynn and ultimately ruin your relationship with her.”
“There’s nothing to ruin Ace! You could have been killed and it’s our fault. We thought we just had to be together and what for? To prove her family and friends wrong? To make all of you think that I can move on from Harlyn and Harper? What the hell was the reason?” I ask him feeling defeated.
“Jagger James, there is something to ruin, your happiness. You love Londynn and it’s something I never thought I’d see you do again, but you did it. The whole point was for that. I didn’t tell you because I knew what you’d do. You need to fix it Jagger. Go get Londynn.” He encourages me.
I stare at my little brother for a while but eventually I came to the same conclusion. My relationship with Londynn is not worth anyone getting hurt. “No, there’s nothing to go after. Londynn and I are done. I need to get to the shop, I’ll see you later.”
I don’t look back at Ace because I don’t want to see the disappointment that will be evident on his face. I know that letting Londynn go is not what he wants me to do but it’s not about wants. We don’t belong in each other worlds and as long as we keep trying the risk of getting our friends and family hurt is just too high. I’ll let her go because it’s the only choice we have right now.
****
Londynn
1 week later
I hear Farrah sniffle as she squeezes me tighter during our hug. I’d probably cry too if I had anymore tears left in me, but I don’t. The lady on the intercom calls for me to board the plane. “I gotta go Farrah.” She reluctantly lets me go and I turn around and head down the hallway to the plane.
Once I’m seated I let the events of the past week hit me. I haven’t seen or heard from Jagger since I told him about Ryce being the one that attacked Ace. The first couple of days after he’d asked me to leave I had held onto the hope that he’d come around, that Ace was wrong, but he wasn’t. It was now a week later, and I had no sign, text or call from Jagger. We were done. I finally called and accepted the offer with ABA on the fourth day. I spent the past few days packing up my life to move to New York. I knew that Farrah didn’t approve but I couldn’t live my life here now.
Staying in L.A. meant that I would always be surrounded by Jagger or the things that reminded me of him. Maybe, someday I could return here but not now. All L.A. held for me now was heartbreak after heartbreak. I needed to get away from it all. I knew Farrah was worried because I was leaving therapy, but I really felt I could handle this now. One of my biggest dreams was coming true so I’d make myself handle it.
As the plane takes off I look out the window and watch as L.A. disappears below me. The last piece of my heart shatters as I watch the dream I never knew I had disappear. The life I had foolishly let myself want with Jagger, that future that I knew we’d have to fight for. I just never imagined we’d have to fight so hard or that he’d give up so quickly. Right before L.A. disappears completely I whisper, “Goodbye Jagger.”
****
Jagger
When I wake up the first thing I do every morning is torture myself by rolling over to the other side of the bed and inhaling the diminishing scent that Londynn left behind. That floral smell was so strong on the sheets the first night I told her to leave that I had went and slept on the couch. The next night I was so lonely I slept in the bed and her scent filled my aching heart and lonely soul but it’s disappearing and before long it won’t be here at all, just like her. Angry with myself I get up from the bed, I know my reasons for letting her go but it doesn’t make it any easier. It also doesn’t help that everyone in my life disagrees with my decision, but they don’t feel the guilt I do every time I look at Ace. Then again, they also don’t feel the ache inside my soul from missing Londynn either.
I stand under the shower head until the hot water runs out. Ace gets released today, he was lucky, he made a full recovery. It could have been worse. The only silver lining is that Ace and Kynlee seem closer than ever. I think he might finally let Kynlee in. After my shower I get dressed and head for my car. I want to be there when they officially release Ace. On my way to the hospital Kings of Leon comes on my radio and instantly Londynn’s image pops into my mind, the way her honey hair would catch the sunlight, the way her dark hazel eyes lit up when she laughed, the way her nose scrunched up when I’d try to sing along, the way her foot kept beat with the song. Reaching over I change the station while letting out a string of curse words.
By the time I get to the hospital my mood as spiraled even further down than before. I can’t shake the images of Londynn running through my mind. When I enter Ace’s room Kynlee is helping him slip his t-shirt on. “Morning Jagger," Kynlee greets me.
“Morning Kynlee," I tell her kissing the top of her head as I pass by her. “Morning brother," I tell Ace while bumping fists with him.
Ace looks at Kynlee “Will you go grab me some coffee?” He asks her, and she silently nods her head. After she’s out of the room Ace turns to face me “You look like hell man.”
I shake my head “You know I could say the same thing to you.”
He shrugs and winces “Yeah you could but at least mine isn’t self-inflicted Come on Jagger! This happened to me, but you made the decision to let Londynn go. You caused your own pain for nothing.”
I motion around the room “For nothing? I don’t call you being attacked and left for dead, nothing.”
“Oh, come on! That’s just you excuse to push Londynn away. Those Santa Monica kids and the North Hills kids have never gotten along. Ryce Whitten has had it in for all of us since day one. This would have happened with or without Londynn, so I don’t blame anyone for what happened, but I refuse to let this be your excuse to hide.” Ace stands up and walks around me but before he leaves out the door he looks over his shoulder and tells me. “Girls like Londynn don’t come around every day. Go get her.”
I stand there for a few moments, letting my brother’s words sink in. Before I know what I’m doing, I’m jogging out of the hospital to my ca
r. The only thing on my mind is Londynn.
As pull up to Londynn’s place I’m surprised I feel nervous but then again, I’m actually facing my fear. I’m going to dive head first into all of these feelings. It’s almost like jumping into the ocean for me. I don’t know the depths of her feelings but I’m going to take this chance anyway. I see that both Londynn and Farrah are at home. I pause at the door for a minute, if I’m going to back out this is my last chance. Instead, I push the doorbell. After what seems like a lifetime Farrah finally answers the door. Her messy hair and red rimmed eyes catch me off guard, probably as much as I do standing on her doorstep if the tone of her voice is any indication. “Jagger?”
“Yeah," I say stuffing my hands in the pockets of my jacket. “Listen I know I’m probably the last person Londynn wants to see right now but I really need to see her and are you okay?”
Farrah’s eyes had gone wide at the mention of Londynn. “Jagger…I’m not sure how to tell you this.”
“Tell me what?”
I notice how it looks like Farrah is trying to look anywhere but where I’m standing. The air seems to thicken, and I can’t draw a good breath. “Londynn’s gone.”
I shake my head and whisper “No.”
“I’m sorry Jagger. She got accepted off the waitlist to ABA and she wasn’t going to go but then when you didn’t show up she called an accepted. She stayed in bed for two solid days then she got up and started packing, kind of like a zombie but still.”
“She’s gone?” I ask her still trying to get over the shock of hearing that.
I notice the moisture in Farrah’s eyes. “She got on a plane about an hour ago.”
No, no, no, this wasn’t how this was supposed to be. I know I made mistakes and I told her to leave but she at least needed to know that I loved her before she left. I want to punch something because I’m so disgusted with myself. “She got into ABA?” Farrah nods in reply. “Well, that’s good.” I turn to leave but Farrah’s voice stops me.
“Do you want me to tell her you came by?” She asks.
I think about it for a minute. If Farrah does tell her I came here looking for her, then there’s a chance she’ll come back. God, I want her back, but if she comes back she’s giving up her dream come true. Can I be that selfish? No, I can’t so I tell Farrah. “No, don’t ever mention it.”
Chapter 30
Jagger
It’s been two months since Londynn left for New York. I miss her more every day. I guess maybe that saying about “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” is true. If it’s possible I love Londynn more now than before. I’m ashamed to admit that I stalk her social site pages, but she doesn’t post much of anything on there. My sheets finally lost her scent so in some desperate attempt I bought her perfume and sprayed them with it. It wasn’t the same. I’ve been avoiding everything and everyone aside from work.
It’s Friday and Pedal to the Metal is tonight but I haven’t went to one of those since I told Londynn to leave. I can’t imagine going there, seeing all those faces and knowing that hers won’t be amongst them. However, I know I need to go. People are already starting to talk, and I could use the money to add back into my savings since I dipped into that account to buy the building I had planned on making Londynn’s dance studio. I force myself off my couch and head upstairs.
By the time I’m dressed and heading for my car it’s almost time for the races to start. I punch in Bowie’s number “Hey man!”
“Hey, do me a favor, buy me into the race. I’ll be there in ten minutes," I tell him.
He chuckles “You got it little brother.”
The phone goes dead, and I concentrate on making my way in and out of traffic in order to make my ten-minute promise. To my luck I do make it and Axell was nice enough to place me in the next to last race. To my surprise though I’m racing Ryce. Even though Ryce and his friends had admitted they were guilty they didn’t see any jail time. Instead their families bought them a plea bargain that only required community service. I’d like nothing better than to beat him into a pulp but that would only land me in jail. Instead, I’ll beat his ass on the street, like always.
I’m heading back towards my car when I notice the honey color hair. For a minute my heart skips a beat but then I realize that glimpse is Duke Parrish, not Londynn. As I approach my car Duke extends his hand. In an effort to get him to leave I ignore it. “Okay, I see how it is.”
“Really?” I ask him.
He holds his hands up in defense. “Look, I may not have always been your biggest fan but all I ever wanted was for Londynn to be happy. Ironically, I think the happiest I ever saw her was with you but then Ryce happened and everything blew up.” He holds out his hand again but this time with some paperwork in it, something that looks like a plane ticket. “This is your way to get her back, plane ticket, her address and schedule.”
I shake my head at him. “Man, you Santa Monica kids really have some nerve. First of all, if I wanted to go after her I’d buy my own damn ticket. Second, I’m the one that told her to leave and third, she got her dream come true. So why don’t you take all that paperwork and stick it up your ass Duke.”
I’m just about to get into my car when Duke says, “You’re making a mistake.” With that he turns and leaves. I pull into position for the race but for some reason my mind will not focus. Well, actually I know the reason, it’s Duke. Seeing him and hearing him talk about Londynn threw me off. I turn the music up in my car in an attempt to drown out my thoughts, but nothing happens. By the time it’s my turn to race I’m a complete mess. Ryce gets out first and I can’t seem to get caught up.
When I finally cross the finish line I realize that I just did something I hadn’t done since I was seventeen years old. I lost a race.
****
Londynn
1 month later
It’s been three months since I moved to New York. I wish I could say it had been everything I had ever dreamed of but to be perfectly honest it wasn’t. Or maybe I just wasn’t the same girl who dreamed this dream. Either way I was miserable. Halloween had just passed, and Thanksgiving was right around the corner. As silly as it sounds I missed L.A. and my friends, I missed Dr. Thorton and Sadie, I missed dressing up with Farrah on Halloween, and I even missed my family. But let’s face it the thing I missed most was…Jagger.
Foolishly I thought that if I left L.A. that I’d magically forget about Jagger and the mess things had become. I knew that Ace had recovered because the only person I had allowed myself to text was Kynlee and even that was briefly. I hadn’t answered calls or texts for anyone else, not even Farrah. Kynlee was my safe bet because she didn’t know me well enough to know just how lonely I was plus, she was able to keep me up to date on what was happening around town. I pathetically wished for Jagger’s name to come across my screen every time it went off, but it never appeared, and I knew it wouldn’t. I knew the day I walked away from him that was it for us.
As I make my way out of the ABA rehearsal studios I let myself replay just how badly I had done today. My head wasn’t in the game at all. My points were off, I missed steps, got off beat and shortened my spins. If I didn’t get it together I’d end up losing my spot. My phone started ringing just as I was exiting the building, looking down I saw Duke’s name on the screen. I silenced my phone and dropped it back in my bag.
“You do know it’s rude to ignore calls if you’re not busy, especially if they’re from your favorite brother," I hear Duke say.
I whip my head up so quickly that I’m pretty sure I gave myself whiplash. “Well, you’re my only brother.”
“Maybe…you do know how parents are," he responds and I just shrug. “Well, it’s good to see you too Londynn.”
I sigh heavily “What do you want Duke?”
His brows knit together “Why do you think I want something?”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe because we’ve never been close," I tell him.
He nods his head. “That’s true but tha
t doesn’t mean I’m not curious how you are," he says while wrapping his arms around my shoulders. “Mom, dad and Farrah are all kind of freaking out that they haven’t heard from you since you left. You know that neat little invention that you dropped in your bag does keep people from worrying.”
I study the ground as we walk down the sidewalk “I know. I’m sorry. I’ve just been so busy.”
“Not that busy. You’re just avoiding, which I get but you can’t do that forever.” We continue to walk in silence when suddenly Duke says, “Let’s go get some lunch.” We sit through a pretty awkward and mostly silent lunch. After we finish our food my brother clears his throat and I finally look up at him. “Londynn, I get that this is your life now and that you love it, you’re living the dream, but you know mom still wants to know you’re okay and Farrah deserves to know you’re okay.”
I shake my head because he really can’t see it. Maybe, I should have gone into acting. “I can’t talk to them. I can’t talk to anyone from there.”
“Why?” Duke asks.
I roll my eyes and decide to stare at the ceiling. Whenever I felt like crying when I was younger if I stared at the ceiling then sometimes it would stop the tears. “Because it’s a reminder of all that’s gone. I gave up that part of my life. I came here to live a dream of a girl that no longer exists. You think I’m happy, I’m miserable. I don’t like New York, I’m so far behind in dancing that my feet are raw and bleeding from all the hours I put in. I have no friends or family here. It’s just me, myself and I. Oh! And all those great thoughts and memories I have to keep me company.”
Pedal to the Metal (James Brothers Series Book 1) Page 23
