Soul Protector

by Amanda Leigh Cowley

  ~

  It was a short while after my life got back to normal that it happened. The day had started off remarkably uneventful. Because it was the weekend, I’d had a nice lie-in, before showering. As usual I stayed in the shower way too long. It felt good to tilt my face up to the shower head, close my eyes and let the warm water pour off me. Afterwards, I squinted into the steamed-up mirror and pulled a comb through my wet hair, making sure it fell forward over my ears.

  I wandered through to my bedroom and tugged on my favourite black sweat pants and hoodie. I had nothing special planned, so I’d decided to start following my healthy resolution, get organised, and cook a meal for later. I put MTV on and walked through to the kitchen.

  I sang to myself as I set about rustling up spaghetti Bolognese. I had my cookbook open on the side as I tracked down ‘near enoughs’ from the list of ingredients. I felt sure tomato ketchup would be up to the role of tomato puree, and I didn’t have actual spaghetti but thanks to my newly stocked cupboards, I was going to compromise with pasta shells.

  The intercom buzzed, and I wiped my hands on my apron as I walked over to the buzzer. “Hel-lo,” I sang into it.

  “Hi, Gracie.”

  My heart stopped. Breathe, Gracie.

  “It’s me, Dan. Can I come up?”

  I had to swallow hard before I could speak again. “Erm, yes… come on up.”

  I walked over to the door in a daze and leant against the frame. I had to concentrate on taking one breath after another, something I’d done all my life without thinking but right then it required extra effort.

  I jumped when he rapped on the door. Filling my lungs, I counted to three and slowly exhaled before turning the handle.

  Even though I knew what to expect, I felt myself flush when I saw him. He was wearing a dark shirt, rolled up at the sleeves, and jeans. He had his ever-present back-pack with him, but I noticed his usual smile was missing.

  “Hello you, what brings you here?” I said, while my insides performed somersaults.

  His expression remained serious. “Gracie, we need to talk. Can I come in?”

  “Yes, of course,” I said, backing into the living room.

  He turned to close the door and I couldn’t tear my eyes from his back. I inhaled to capture the familiar scent of his aftershave. I ached to touch him, and had to force myself to turn and head towards to the sofa.

  I grabbed the apron and pulled it over my head and smoothed my hair forward.

  “Have a seat,” I gestured. Naturally, I perched myself on the arm at the other end.

  Dan slunk down and turned to look at me. “How’s the PSP training going?” He raised his eyebrows and attempted a smile, but it was missing the usual warmth.

  “Yeah, well I guess you were right about that all along. I should be official by next week.”

  “You’ll be great. I’m glad you finally agreed to give it a go.”

  “Thanks,” I said, feeling myself blush again.

  He opened his mouth to say something else, but hesitated. I guessed what the subject might be. “Dan, have you come to tell me about my dad?”

  He nodded, and as he spoke his voice was soft.

  “I’m not sure how much I should tell you. Do you want to know about his final moments?”

  I shook my head. “No, I couldn’t bear it.” I only coped with what happened to Dad by blocking out thoughts of the horrific Switch Enforcement Chamber.

  “Okay,” he said, looking apologetic, “but I want you to know it was peaceful. Nothing like you saw the first night you came to the Office.”

  I shuddered, as images of the enforced switch popped into my mind.

  “Anyway, he wanted me to pass on a message to you.”

  “Oh, right.” I sounded braver than I felt. My chin started a little tremble and I squeezed my lips together to try and make it stop.

  Dan picked up a cushion and moved it out the way, shifting his position so he was facing me direct. “Gracie, he wanted you to know he was incredibly proud of you...”

  I lowered my head and started picking at a bit of skin next to my thumbnail.

  “… and you made him really happy. As you know, most of his life was a mess, but those last few months he spent with you, your mum and Michelle made up for all the rest.”

  I frowned and carried on picking at the skin, making it bleed.

  “He knew your mum and Michelle would never be able to forgive him, but because you know everything, he hoped one day you might be able to.”

  Unable to make eye contact, I gave a small nod.

  “I would have told you all this before but he asked me to leave it awhile, so your feelings weren’t so raw.”

  Dan leant across and put his hand gently over mine to prevent me hurting myself any further. “Your family must have gone through hell while he was drinking. I had no idea. I hope knowing him sober has helped.”

  I looked up, and gave him a wobbly smile. “It has.”

  He pulled his hand back and rubbed it across his smooth chin.

  “Did you hear about Terry?”

  I shook my head. “No. I tried to find out when I was at the Office but they wouldn’t tell me anything. Apparently it’s all on a need-to-know basis.”

  “Well you need to know, right? He’s had a happy ending. He’s moved back in with his wife and they seem really happy to be back together.”

  “Oh, that’s great. What about his job though?”

  “Yeah, well, he’ll never be able to work in a hospital again, but we’ve got plenty of contacts helping him get his life back together. He’ll be okay.”

  I nodded and my thoughts turned to the other CSP I’d met that night.

  “I wish you could say the same for the guy who attacked me.”

  Dan’s eyes opened wider.

  “Well, not him, but the real owner of that body,” I added.

  “No one told you? He didn’t die, Gracie. He was in a bad way - lost a lot of blood, but they managed to save him.”

  My heart squeezed. “Oh, thank God.” I closed my eyes and let relief wash over me.

  Dan carried on. “We got six CSPs in total. They’re all going through the same treatment as Terry. I’m surprised the Office wouldn’t tell you anything. It was you who led us to them in the first place.”

  Dan stopped talking, and the silence made me open my eyes. He was watching me and his gaze was so intense it made me feel uncomfortable.

  I cleared my throat. “Erm, thanks for coming to tell me. I really appreciate it.”

  He ran his fingers through his dark hair. “That’s not all. There’s something else I need to say.”

  He hesitated, and I noticed something I’d never seen happen to Dan before. Vulnerability descended on him.

  He took a deep breath. “I’ve missed you, Gracie.”

  I paused for a moment, not trusting I’d heard him correctly. “You’ve missed me?”

  He nodded, and his jaw muscle twitched as he waited for my response.

  My heart started to thud and I half-expected it to jump out my chest. I stood up, shaking my head.

  “I can’t do this, Dan.”

  He stood up as well, towering above me.

  “Hey, what’s wrong?”

  “You are. You can’t just turn up after all this time and tell me you’ve missed me. I’ve been to hell and back, and you weren’t there for me.”

  He flinched. “I know. I’m sorry. I was wrong to stay away.”

  I took some deep breaths to calm myself.

  “It’s okay. Really, I’m fine now. But I need to make sure I stay that way. You coming in and out of my life won’t help.”

  “Gracie, I promise you, I will never hurt you again.” He reached towards me, but I stepped back.

  “Please, Gracie, don’t push me away.”

  “I need you to leave now.” I managed to sound like I meant it.

  Hurt flashed across Dan’s features as he reached for his backpack and slung it over his shoulde
r.

  I couldn’t bear to look at him any longer and forced myself to cross the room. I took a deep breath and pulled the door handle down. Heart pounding, I braced myself to close the door after he walked out.

  I heard his footsteps behind me, but instead of walking out, he stopped short. I jumped as he raised his arm above my head and slammed the door shut.

  I spun round. He kept his arm raised above me, holding the door firmly closed, and moved nearer so I was wedged.

  His eyes smouldered as he spoke. “I know this is crap timing - you’ve got so much going on in your head right now - but I can’t leave until you tell me how you feel.”

  My breath came fast and shallow, and I couldn’t find any words.

  “Because I know how I feel about you, Gracie. I’m in love with you.”

  I tried to swallow down the emotion clawing at my throat.

  His eyes never left my face. “The time we’ve spent apart has been so hard. It’s made me realise I need to be with you.”

  His looks were an unfair advantage and I squeezed my eyes shut to try and break the spell. I felt his hot breath on my cheek, and it turned my insides to liquid.

  “Dan, please don’t do this,” I managed to pant.

  I only opened my eyes when I felt him back off. He hadn’t moved far.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to pressure you. It’s okay if you don’t love me back.”

  I ran shaky fingers through my hair, pulling it forwards.

  “But I’m not leaving unless you tell me you don’t love me,” he added.

  “I, uh, I don’t know what to say.”

  He moved forward and placed his hand gently on my face, his fingers grazed my cheek as he swept the hair back off my face.

  “All you have to do is tell me how you feel.”

  What I felt was electricity flowing from his fingertips and into my skin. Something about the way he looked at me made my insides melt and I caught my breath.

  He must have noticed a shift in my expression because he let his backpack slip down his other arm and crash to the floor. Without breaking eye contact he reached around my waist and instinctively I wrapped myself around him, allowing him to lift me up. I looked into his eyes, and I knew I was past resisting him.

  He leant forward and pressed his mouth to mine and I felt like I’d never be able to get enough of him. I ran my fingers through his silky hair and down the smooth skin at the back of his neck. I felt his strong arms supporting me as we kissed, and we stayed like that until I couldn’t breathe anymore.

  When I paused for air, Dan spoke, his breath catching wisps of my hair.

  “Tell me how you feel.”

  I couldn’t believe he needed words. I leaned in to kiss him again, but he frowned and his voice took on a more demanding tone. “Tell me, Gracie.”

  My eyes flicked from his lips to his eyes. I put my hands on either side of his face, and traced his jaw line.

  “I love you, Dan. I’ve always loved you.”

  He closed his eyes and let a deep breath escape from his lips. Then he began kissing me again, more urgently this time. I was overwhelmed by my hunger for him, and tried to push myself harder against his body.

  I felt his muscles lengthen and contract as he changed his hold on me and began walking towards the bedroom. He eased me onto the bed, and I got a jolt of déjà-vous. But this time was so different from the last time he was in my bedroom.

  He didn’t take his eyes off me as he pulled my hoodie up and over my head. I shivered as the cool air hit my skin and folded my arms, rubbing at them. He gently uncrossed them again. “You’re beautiful. Don’t hide yourself.”

  He began to unbutton his shirt, revealing a tanned, firm body. I held my hands out and began running them over his warm chest and down to his stomach, enjoying the delicious contours of his muscles.

  He lowered himself onto the bed, chivalrous enough to support his weight and not squash me like Mike used to. After smoothing all the wild strands of my hair out the way, he started to kiss me again, tantalisingly slow this time.

  Later, as we lay side-by-side in the darkness, still breathless, Dan dangled his arm across to my face and traced my lips. I was staring at the ceiling, unable to stop grinning like an idiot.

  “What, no wow this time?” he teased.

  I turned my head towards him. “I’m playing hard to get.”

  “I would say you just failed.”

  I took a deep breath. “Dan, did you honestly have no idea how I felt about you?”

  He shook his head, smiling. “But I do now.”

  “Well, I exaggerated. It wasn’t really love at first sight.”

  His smile dropped.

  “Because I only fell in love with you after I realised you weren’t going to kill me.”

  He laughed and leant over to kiss the tip of my nose. “You know, you should have told me how you felt before.”

  “I couldn’t. I thought it would scare you off.”

  He shook his head. “Believe me, that wouldn’t have happened.”

  He wrapped his strong arms around me and pulled me in tighter.

  ~~~

  CHAPTER 25

  .

  Some Things Never Change

  .

  Months later, sitting in Vertoni’s with Dan by my side, I couldn’t have felt happier. I’d passed the Chinese whispers test and was now a fully-fledged Professional Soul Protector. Although as far as my friends and family knew, I worked for the same government department as Dan and Tom, and we weren’t allowed to discuss our work.

  All my favourite people had come out for my birthday dinner. Mum sat across from me, looking radiant. By her side was James, her friend. She hadn’t known him for long. It certainly wasn’t serious. They enjoyed each other’s company and had fun going out for meals and to the cinema. I’d expected her to take a long time getting over Terry, and although she’d been low for a while, she really was okay. I obviously helped her along by switching a couple of times, it was the least I could do.

  Lydia and MyPhil had joined us too. After our chat in the café, she decided not to give up on him and now they were stronger than ever. She was genuinely thrilled about me and Dan too.

  Joe picked up the wine bottles, and began filling glasses, red or white according to preference. I was surprised to see Lydia put her hand across the top of her glass, catching Joe mid-splosh.

  “Don’t waste it,” Kerry burst out, grabbing her glass and thrusting it in place of Lydia’s.

  Tom had come along with Dan. Now the group of CSPs had been busted, they weren’t getting called on shouts all hours of the day and were enjoying some free time on their hands.

  Tom was sat chatting to Marcus, who got on well with just about everyone, and my sister, Michelle. She’d finally moved back home with Mum, and we’d finally managed to put the whole Mike affair behind us.

  The last person to make up our party was Emily. Since I’d introduced her to Mum, they had become firm friends. Mum was still helping her break the chains that kept her tied to her abusive boyfriend.

  After I established she was being physically abused, Dan and Tom paid Graham a visit. Somehow he’d been persuaded to leave Emily alone. I could only guess at their tactics. He deserved it, but I was glad not to witness any of it.

  Since then, Emily had blossomed back into the person she apparently used to be - bubbly and outgoing. It was amazing to see the transformation and I was thrilled to have played a small part in her recovery.

  A waiter came over with a bottle of champagne, and started to fill up our glasses. Michelle raised her glass in the air and proposed a toast. “To my very special sister. Happy birthday, Gracie.”

  Everyone chorused ‘happy birthday’ as we clinked glasses and drank the lovely bubbly.

  I heard the noise of a chair scraping. MyPhil stood up, tapping a spoon against his glass.

  “Can I have your attention everyone,” he bellowed.

  We all stopped what we were doi
ng, and looked in his direction. I felt Dan’s hand come to rest on my thigh.

  “Lydia and I have a special announcement to make.”

  MyPhil beamed down at Lydia, who took her cue to stand up beside her man. He put his arm around her. “My beautiful fiancée and I…” he closed his mouth, pausing to gain maximum impact, “… are expecting the patter of tiny feet.”

  We all fell into a stunned silence. Across the table, I saw Kerry’s eyebrows twitching.

  I was the first to speak. “Well, bloody hell you two… Congratulations.”

  Then our table erupted. Everyone started talking at once, congratulating the pair of them, asking how Lydia was feeling, and when the due date was supposed to be.

  Dan squeezed my thigh, and I looked into his eyes, smiling. It wasn’t forced, but absolutely natural. This time I really was chuffed for my friend.

  “Phil and Lydia still grabbing the limelight, eh?” Dan murmured.

  I picked his hand up off my lap, and squeezed it with my own. I was more than happy for Lydia to have the limelight this time. I already had everything I wanted.

  ###

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