‘Luke, why don’t you want me?’ She shook her head. ‘I don’t…I don’t understand. You don’t feel what I feel?’
‘Hell!’ Luke pulled his hand from hers and turned away to stand and stare out of the window. ‘I want you, Nikki. God knows…’
‘But not enough to ask me to stay with you.’
‘For a while, yes,’ he said bleakly. ‘I want you. At this moment I want you more than anything I have ever wanted in my life. But I want more than that, Nikki. I want things I can’t have. I want a family…’
‘And I’m not enough.’
‘No.’ He stared sightlessly out of the window. ‘For a few crazy moments here I thought it might be. I thought that with you and Amy I could be at peace. But I don’t think I can ever be at peace, Nikki.’
‘So the fact that you can’t father a child is more important than your love for us?’
Nikki’s heart shrank from what he was saying. She could have this man, she knew, just by opening her mouth and promising him his child. And it would be no better than what she had had with Scott. Scott hadn’t wanted her unless she had money. Now Luke had no use for her unless she had his child.
‘Nikki, it seems unfair…’
‘It is unfair.’ Nikki took a deep breath and rose, pulling her sheet after her. She wound it around her as if it were some sort of defence against him, but her defence had come too late.
‘You made love to me as if you loved me,’ she whispered. ‘You made me feel…you made me feel as if I was part of you. And I gave myself to you. Not just my body, Luke Marriott, but myself. My love. My heart. And now…now you tell me that because of your damned past-because of an illness that’s robbed you of the ability to bear children-my love’s not enough.’
‘Nikki…’
Anger came then, as some sort of in-built defence against the pain. It gave her strength to lash out one more time. ‘You’ve got a damned nerve.’ Nikki’s eyes flashed fire. ‘You want me if I can bear your children, but not otherwise. What the hell does that make me, Luke Marriott?’
‘I know. It’s unfair…’
‘Too damned right it’s unfair.’
He shook his head. Luke’s hands came up as if to touch her and then fell away uselessly to his sides.
‘Nikki, my family is important…Look, it would be so easy to take you. To take what you’re offering. And then, in five years…Well, in five years, if my inability to have children were as important to me as it is now, we’d be in a real mess.’
‘Because it would hurt for me to have Amy, and your brothers and sisters to have children, and you not.’
‘Yes. Damn it, yes.’
‘And that’s more important than my love…’
‘Yes. No!’ Luke was as angry as Nikki now, his eyes almost black with frustration and fury. ‘It’s easy for you to say it’s not important…’
‘And if magically you could have children…what then…?’
He shook his head, the flash of anger slowly fading. ‘I don’t know,’ he said quietly. ‘Nikki, if I could have children with you…Oh, God, Nikki…’
‘So you’d want me as a mother to your children?’ Nikki’s voice was flat and lifeless. ‘But not otherwise.’
‘Nikki, that’s not what I’m saying.’
‘Well, it’s what it sounds like from here,’ Nikki spat. ‘It’s just as well you’re going, Luke Marriott. It’s just as well you’re getting out of my life. Because I think your cancer has done more damage than you know.’
‘I don’t know what you mean.’
‘You should,’ Nikki said bleakly. ‘I think…I think it’s destroyed your capacity to love.’
‘Nikki…’
‘Just go,’ she said.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
THE weeks that followed were desolate. Without Luke the house fell silent. Amy became once again a solemn child, and even Beattie forgot to sing as she did the housework.
Beattie watched her young employer with concern, her shrewd eyes taking in the tell-tale shadows on Nikki’s face. If she heard Nikki wandering the house late at night, or saw her lonely figure standing out by the swimming-pool staring at nothing for hours on end, she said nothing.
Somehow Nikki managed to work. Her results came through for her examinations-’a magnificent result’, the letter said. ‘Congratulations!’ She felt nothing. Nikki laid the letter aside and Beattie found it underneath a pile of advertising literature the following morning. Once more Beattie’s forehead wrinkled into a frown of concern but still she said nothing.
It was fortunate for Nikki’s sanity that there was plenty of work. She drove herself mercilessly, shoving aside the lethargy of early pregnancy. There was no time to think of the child she was carrying. She didn’t want to know.
And yet, in a way, she was intensely aware of the new life starting within her. It was a little of Luke left to her. The baby would bring Luke happiness when he heard, she knew. Once he knew he was not sterile he could find someone else-one of the women who had loved him when he was back in Cairns, or someone else-someone who’d be prepared to accept him on the terms he offered. A woman who wanted to be the mother of his children first…
The mother of Luke’s children…Nikki touched her still flat stomach self-consciously as she acknowledged herself as such. That was what she was whether she wanted it or not. The mother of Luke’s child. So why not accept the joy as well?
Because she wanted more. For once in her life, Nikki wanted to be loved for herself-wanted for herself-and if Luke didn’t want her on those terms, then she couldn’t let him near.
She began to plan the mechanics of the next few months as she went about her work. At about five months she would write to him care of the medical board, she thought-or care of the newspaper he wrote for. She would have to write before there was a possibility of his hearing via the medical grape-vine. It would be a formal little note, passing on the news of her condition and also letting him know it could make no difference to their relationship. Even if he came storming up here in another three months, then she must be strong enough to cope with that. She must be strong enough to tell him there was no place in her life for him.
‘Is there anything wrong, Doc?’
Nikki looked up swiftly from what she was doing. She was re-checking Jim Payne’s healing thumb. He had been released from hospital the week before, with no complications anticipated. It was healing beautifully, thanks to Luke’s expert care, and Nikki forced a smile.
‘Nothing’s wrong, Jim,’ she reassured him. ‘This is looking really good. You might have some residual stiffness, but I’ll give you some exercises to do once you get rid of the plaster and it’ll slowly get back to almost a hundred per cent.’
‘I meant-’ the young man frowned down at her ‘-I meant with you. You’re not…well, you’re not as cheerful as you used to be.’
‘I’m not a really cheerful person,’ Nikki told him, somewhat taken aback at his forthrightness.
‘You were when Doc Marriott was here.’
Nikki shook her head. The town would be talking about her and Luke, she knew. How much would the talk grow as her figure filled out?
‘It was good to have him here,’ she said simply. ‘He was a very skilled surgeon.’
‘Don’t I know it.’ Jim looked ruefully at his thumb. ‘I guess I’ll be grateful to him for the rest of my life.’
‘You haven’t heard from your mother?’ Nikki asked, trying to turn the subject.
‘Yeah.’
Nikki frowned. She picked up the scraps of the bandage she had been fixing and tossed them into the rubbish bin. ‘So what gives?’
The boy was silent for a moment, staring at his bandaged hand. ‘I dunno,’ he said at last.
‘You don’t know.’
Jim shook his head. He looked up. ‘Did you know I’m boarding at Sandra Mears’s? That’s…that’s why I was saying you were more cheerful when Doc Marriott was here. Sandra said you were. She reckoned…she recko
ned you had something going between you.’
Nikki shook her head. ‘Sandra’s on the wrong track,’ she said tightly. Then she looked up. ‘How are you finding it at Sandra’s?’
‘It’s great. She’s a real good sort. And I like the kids.’
‘Mmm.’ Was this going to work? Nikki turned it over in her mind, replaying the conversation she’d had with Sandra the week before.
‘We advertised and Jim replied,’ she’d said happily. ‘And I’ve always felt sorry for Jimmy. I reckon he’s had almost as bad a deal as me.’
‘Do you think you can cope with the extra work?’ Nikki had frowned and Sandra had laughed.
‘I like housework,’ she’d grinned. ‘Call me daft if you like, but now I’ve a decent house to look after it’ll be no trouble. The kids like Jimmy and his board money will be handy-well, I’m going to start thinking we’re rich.’
So Nikki had smiled and agreed, knowing Jim was reluctant to go home to a father who didn’t seem to give a damn about his only son. But if Jim’s mother were to come…
‘She telephoned me in the hospital,’ Jim said slowly. ‘And…and she asked me to go to Brisbane to stay with her.’
‘Oh, Jim, that’s terrific.’
He shook his head. ‘Maybe not.’ He looked up. ‘She’s remarried. Her new husband’s a widower with three kids. I dunno…’
‘You don’t know where you fit?’
He shook his head. ‘I know Dad seems a selfish bastard,’ he said directly. ‘But Mum…well, she left and maybe if she really wanted to contact me she could have. And here…well, here at least I know the people and I know I’ve got a job.’
‘On your father’s boat.’
‘Yeah, well, maybe I’ll go back to working for him and maybe I won’t,’ Jim said uncertainly. ‘There’s other boats. But fishing’s all I know.’
‘It’s going to be quite a change, living with Sandra.’
‘It is and all,’ Jim said happily. ‘Those kids…’ He shook his head. ‘They’re great kids, Doc Russell, and do you know, the boys have never even been taught to kick a football?’
‘No!’ Nikki breathed in mock-horror and Jim grinned.
‘Well, I’m going to teach them,’ he said resolutely. He took a deep breath. ‘Sandra’s taken a risk taking me in. I know this town and I know it’ll talk even more about her. But we talked it over and reckoned we could ignore it and maybe make it work.’
Nikki sat back on her heels and looked thoughtfully at the young fisherman. He sounded as if he was taking on more of a responsibility than a decision to rent a room for a few weeks. And when the door opened for Jim to leave the surgery and Nikki saw Sandra and the two youngest children in the waiting-room she saw what was happening.
A family was forming out of mutual need. The children came forward to greet Jim as their personal property and he took a hand of each and turned to go. ‘Thanks a lot, Doc,’ he told Nikki over his shoulder. ‘Thanks for everything.’
Nikki watched them walk away-Sandra at twenty-two with the lilt of a girl back in her step and Jim at nineteen playing the father. For heaven’s sake…
She smiled suddenly. It might…it just might work. Crazier things had happened.
And then her receptionist handed her the next card and Nikki turned her attention to Mrs Alphington’s neuralgia. She didn’t have time for reflection-and that was the way she wanted it.
The days dragged on. Nikki found herself staring stupidly at the calendar, as though it had some meaning. Three weeks since she had seen Luke…Four…
‘When will he come back?’ Amy asked for the hundredth time and Nikki strove for patience.
‘Luke isn’t coming back,’ she said gently.
‘He will,’ Amy said stubbornly. ‘Even if it’s just for a visit. Maybe he’ll come for Christmas?’
‘Don’t count on it.’ Nikki winced at the thought of Christmas. She hated it. Christmas-the time of families. Beattie left them every Christmas, flying down to Brisbane for her once-a-year visit to her daughter, and there would only be Amy and Nikki. Some Christmas!
Maybe she should employ another locum-get right away for a few weeks. If she could get somewhere cooler, maybe this awful cloud of oppression would lift.
Summer had arrived with a vengeance-the real tropical rainy season. It rained unceasingly, the rain turning to steam in the blistering heat. Nikki never enjoyed the rainy season and now-it was as if the sky were crying in sympathy with her.
‘It’s real cyclone weather,’ Beattie said darkly as the first week of December neared its end. ‘We’re in for one, you wait and see.’
‘Don’t say so,’ Nikki groaned. The last cyclone near Eurong had passed five years before, cutting a swath of damage. There were still scars in the rainforest from its passing.
Beattie sniffed. ‘Well, there’s no warnings yet. But it’ll come soon.’
She was wrong. For the next few days Nikki worked with her eye on the weather and her ear constantly tuned to the local radio. Cyclone Hilda threatened them for a little, but swerved right away from the coast and blew harmlessly out to sea. There were no other warnings.
Finally Nikki ceased worrying and her thoughts went back to Luke. Where was he? How would he spend Christmas? As she and Amy put up their little Christmas tree she thought of Luke’s family gathering in Melbourne. Would he visit them this year?
What would his reaction be if he knew that a child of his was on its way? That next year he would be a father…
A father in absentia, she reminded herself, and then winced. What if he demanded access? How would she cope seeing him every time he wanted to visit their child?
It didn’t bear thinking of. She made herself concentrate on the silver baubles she was tying to the tree.
‘It’s lovely, Mummy,’ Amy said in satisfaction, and then paused as Beattie hurried into the room. The housekeeper had been packing her suitcase ready for her afternoon flight south.
Something was wrong. The elderly housekeeper’s face was pale and she was obviously distressed.
‘I knew it,’ she said tremulously. ‘It’s a cyclone.’
‘Oh, no.’ Nikki rose, her eyes creasing in sympathy. Beattie had been filled with excitement at the thought of seeing her newest grandchild for the first time. If a cyclone was threatening between here and Brisbane then flights would be cancelled. ‘How close?’ Nikki asked. It wouldn’t have to be too close for the plane to be cancelled.
‘We’re dead centre,’ Beattie said grimly. ‘I just heard it on the radio.’
Dead centre.
Nikki stared at Beattie in dawning horror. Dead centre of a cyclone…The damage cyclones did was enormous, but Eurong had never been directly in one’s path. The destruction caused by being close to the cyclone path was bad enough.
‘But…but there’s been no warning of one imminent. There’s only been Cyclone Hilda, and it’s right out to sea, hundreds of miles north.’
‘That’s the one.’ Beattie was practically wringing her hands. ‘It’s swung inland for some reason and there’s a red alert. They say…they say it’ll hit here in three hours.’
Three hours! Instinctively Nikki looked out of the window. The palms were swaying in a rising wind, but there was nothing to suggest an impending disaster.
This was no time for panic. Amy was watching with enormous eyes, and if Nikki showed she was frightened it would communicate fast to the child.
‘OK,’ Nikki said evenly, striving for calm. ‘Let’s get the storm covers up.’
‘Does this mean you’re not going away for Christmas, Beattie?’ Amy asked, and Beattie and Nikki looked at each other. If that was all it meant they would be lucky.
‘I guess it does. I…I think I’ll take some things down to the storm cellar,’ Beattie said nervously, and Nikki nodded. They hadn’t used the storm cellar for anything but storage for years. Nikki’s father had installed it as a safety precaution and Eurong had decreed him mad. Totally unnecessary, they’d
said, but now…Now, it made Nikki feel that there was at least one safe place where she could leave her daughter.
‘We need to open the windows on the lee side a little,’ Nikki said quietly, trying to remember the precautions she’d been taught. ‘If the pressure builds up…’
‘I know.’ Beattie nodded, putting her personal disappointment aside. ‘I’ll do that now.’
‘I’m going to have to go down to the hospital.’
‘I know that too,’ Beattie said grimly. She took a deep breath and looked down at Amy. ‘Come on, then, young lady. You and I have got work to do.’
‘Can we telephone Karen and her mum and ask them to share our cellar?’ Amy bubbled. The cyclone sounded like a wonderful adventure from a four-year-old’s angle.
Nikki nodded slowly. ‘It’s not a bad idea. Sandra’s house is fibro-cement with no protection. Our cellar’s big enough…’
‘I’ll telephone,’ Beattie told her. She nodded decisively at Nikki, and Nikki silently blessed her good fortune at having such a competent housekeeper.
‘OK.’ She stooped to give Amy a quick hug. ‘You promise you’ll both be in the cellar an hour before the storm’s due to hit-whatever happens?’
‘We promise,’ Beattie told her. ‘And you, Nikki Russell…’ She sighed. ‘Well, take care of yourself. Don’t go taking any damned fool risks.’
‘Who, me?’ Nikki smiled, with a bravado she was far from feeling. ‘I’m not one for damned fool risks. I was born a coward.’
* * *
The hospital was at peak, bustling efficiency when Nikki arrived. There were three internal rooms that had no windows-the hospital had been built with storms in mind-and when Nikki arrived the nurses were moving their patients into safety.
‘One room will have to be left free as Theatre,’ Nikki said grimly.
We’ve had enough warning for people to be prepared,’ Andrea, the charge sister, said. ‘Surely there won’t be…’
‘People do darned stupid things.’ Nikki grimaced. ‘Especially when they’re frightened. And if we really are in the eye of the storm then many of these houses won’t make it.’
Storm Haven Page 15
