Chapter Twenty-Nine
REALITY
I didn’t move a muscle until we were in the air. My heart still pounded furiously as every part of the mission caught up to me. I ripped my mask off my face and looked to Travis, sitting next to me, who had just done the same. “Are you— Is your eye—” I breathed hard through my nose, trying to sort through my thoughts. I reached for his eyebrow instead, wiping some of the smeared blood off with my sleeve. It had stopped bleeding completely now.
“I’m okay,” he said.
Relief coursed through me. It didn’t feel real until he had said it. I spoke quietly, so only he could hear me. “I have never been more afraid than when I heard that gun go off.” I forced myself to look at him. “I thought you were dead.”
He eyed me doubtfully. “You grew up in KATO,” he said, as if I needed the reminder. “I have to believe you’ve been more afraid.”
“Travis.” I squeezed his wrist, trying to make him understand. “I haven’t been. Ever.”
His entire expression softened and he seemed to realize what I was saying. “I’m okay,” he said again. “Venom saved me from the first shot, and you saved all of us.” He looked me square in my eyes, like he understood how much I needed to be reassured. “Because of you, I’m okay.”
I exhaled heavily and leaned forward to rest my elbows on my knees, finally letting myself relax. I didn’t say anything about the injection. I’d wait until we were back at the house and the girls were gone. I wanted to put one fire out before igniting another. I’d barely thought about the injection since I found out Jin Su had Travis and Venom anyway. It didn’t matter as much in comparison.
Travis and I were sitting on a rear-facing bench toward the front of the plane, giving us a clear view of Venom and Centipede. They were both doing the same thing. They sat on the edge of their seats, tourniquets wrapped around their upper arms and needles going in to their veins. Gerex. My stomach clenched. It had been on this plane the whole time and I hadn’t known. But I knew now.
My post-mission craving was kicking in. After nearly losing Travis, and now seeing Centipede and Venom doing what I wanted to do, I felt my control slipping. I needed to look away from them, but I couldn’t. I was struggling to keep it together when Travis’s hand closed over my shaking fist. It was enough to pull my focus. He took my hand in both of his and squeezed, as if he were trying to draw the craving out of me.
“Don’t look at them,” he said in my ear. I made myself face him. “Focus on me, okay? Not them.”
I nodded and closed my eyes, doing my best to ignore them and regain my control. One of Travis’s arms found its way around me. He pulled me into his shoulder, giving me the space to isolate myself from everything that made me weak.
Chapter Thirty
THE RETURN
We stayed like that for a long time, not speaking for what felt like hours—until I had gotten the craving back under control. Centipede and Venom seemed to have fallen asleep, which felt like its own miracle.
“Joss,” Travis said, a note of concern in his voice. “Why is there blood on your neck?”
I pulled away from him, rubbing at the spot where the needle had punctured. I knew this wasn’t something I could avoid, so I took a breath and told him what had happened. I tried to keep my voice neutral. If I could learn to be relaxed about the whole situation, maybe he would be too.
“Jocelyn—” he said when I had finished. There was an edge to his voice that indicated my calm was not translating.
“I don’t feel any different,” I said quickly. “She panicked and stabbed me. It’s not like she had time to drill through my skull. Maybe it won’t take.” Though even I didn’t completely believe what I was saying.
His face hardened. “She put that stuff in you.” He leaned forward to look me in the eye, as if to make me understand just how serious this was. “You’ve seen what it does.”
I bit my lip and felt my façade fall away. “I know,” I said. My voice felt strained now, as the anxiety spiraled through me. Because he was right. No matter how calm I tried to be, there was no denying that this was really, really bad. Travis picked up on my tension.
He exhaled heavily, as if he was working to rein in his emotions. “We have the serum,” he said eventually. “Dr. March will be able to figure out what to do.”
I swallowed hard. “I hope you’re right.”
He nodded. His face was creased with worry, but his voice was sure. “I am.” Then he tugged me back against him, holding me tighter. This time, it didn’t feel like it was just for my sake.
• • •
Nikki and Misty were waiting for us in the living room when we finally made it back. I pushed my injection worries aside for now. Travis had agreed to keep that issue quiet until the girls were gone, and I’d told Centipede to keep her mouth shut too. I didn’t know what my dad would do about it, but I suspected it would be better if this assignment was completely wrapped.
“You guys had us worried,” Misty said, her big eyes so wide they practically took up her entire face.
“We had ourselves worried,” I said.
Nikki caught a look at Travis’s eye. “You need that cleaned,” she said, gesturing to the first aid kit on the coffee table.
I looked around, searching for my dad, but I didn’t see him anywhere. When I asked where he was, Nikki directed me to the kitchen.
“He’s been in there since he and Misty got back,” she said.
I eyed the doorway, trying not to feel intimidated. I had a lot of time to think on the plane—long enough to come to the conclusion that Travis had been right. I was a better agent when I wasn’t hiding. The more I buried my time at KATO, the harder it was to use. And it had started when my father had shown up. I steeled myself and headed for the kitchen.
I found my dad leaning against the counter with his arms crossed, tense and rigid. His eyes jumped to me when I entered and relief spread across his face.
“I’m really glad you’re back,” he said.
I swallowed and nodded. “Yeah. Me too.” He didn’t say anything after that. I knew this was my window.
“The first time—” I hesitated. I wasn’t as ready for this as I wanted to be but I pushed on anyway. “I was thirteen the first time I killed someone for KATO.” My dad’s jaw locked and he seemed to be struggling with both the reality of what I was saying and the disbelief that I had said anything at all on the subject. “It was a training exercise. We had to kill our opponent in order to stay in KATO.”
Still he didn’t say anything. I drew a shaky breath and kept talking. “I never wanted you to know what I did for them.” I looked at the cabinets behind him. “I didn’t want you to know how bad it really was.”
Finally, he moved. He pushed himself off the counter and came closer to me. I didn’t bolt even though I wanted to. He put his thumb on my chin and turned my head so I was facing him. I resisted for a moment, but I knew there was no point. It hurt to look him in the eye.
“It doesn’t matter what you did,” he said.
“It does.” Now I stepped away from him. Because I needed him to understand. “It matters because when I had to pick between myself and innocent people, I picked me.” I met his eyes again, preparing myself for what was sitting on my tongue. “And if I had to, I would do it again.” And that was the thing I really didn’t want him to know. That I would do it again.
He nodded, slowly letting my words sink in. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not!” My voice broke. “Even tonight—”
“Jocelyn.” He didn’t yell, but his tone was firm enough to stop any argument. He waited until he was sure I was paying attention. “First, I am the one who left you in that position. So anything you did to survive is on me.” There was a guilt in his face that made my chest ache. I didn’t want to hear him apologize again, and I didn’t want to argue fa
ult.
His hands fell to my shoulders, making sure I was squared to him, then he continued. “You need to know that I am also so proud of you.” My eyes widened in what I was sure was a mix of surprise and uncertainty. He gave my shoulders a squeeze. “You fought back. You found a way out of a situation that—” He cut himself off before the emotion got the better of him. “And in case you didn’t notice, tonight you killed someone who was about to take out two people on your team. You’ve protected yourself, and you’ve protected your people. That is never something to apologize for.”
He spoke with a certainty and intensity that gave me no choice but to believe him. I had been so afraid of my father showing up—of him finding out any details about the last ten years—that I never considered he might actually be proud of me. I was unprepared for all of it, and now I had more feelings than I knew how to sort through. I didn’t even realize how much it all mattered until now. I didn’t have any more words, but it was okay because he didn’t seem to need them.
“I’m glad you told me,” he said. “And you can tell me anything that happened there, whenever you want. Okay?”
I nodded, swallowing hard. His squeezed my shoulder one more time, then stepped away, moving toward the others in the living room.
I pinched the bridge of my nose once I was alone, breathing hard until the tightness in my chest loosened. I felt the tears gathering, and I squeezed my eyes shut before they could fall.
• • •
I rejoined the group once I got myself together. Nikki and my dad were packing up some equipment, while Travis sat on the couch with a fresh bandage above his eye. Centipede leaned against the wall by the steps next to Venom, who was studying the ends of her hair. Misty sat on one of the chairs, still looking tense from the mission.
“There you are,” Centipede said, straightening.
I smiled. “I needed a minute.”
“We are leaving,” Venom said.
I nodded. “I had a feeling.” We’d accomplished our goal. Now they all needed to get back to their posts.
Venom launched herself at me, hugging me tight—too tight really. Like no one had ever taught her how to be gentle with others. But there was something very endearing about it. I hugged her back once I’d recovered from the shock and couldn’t help but laugh a little at one of KATO’s deadliest assassins hugging their most wanted member. Eventually, she pulled back and looked me in the eye. “Thank you for picking me.”
I smiled at her and nodded, not having the heart to point out that she had actually picked herself.
“Thank you for picking me too,” Misty said, taking a step closer. She looked like she may have wanted to hug me as tight as Venom had, but she refrained. “And would you mind keeping me updated about Python?”
“Not at all,” I said.
The two of them headed for the door, but Venom paused when she got to the threshold. “We’ll do this again, yes?”
“Yeah,” I said, smiling. “I’m sure we’ll get the chance. Those phones you have work both ways. I’ll reach out when we have something and you let me know if KATO tells you anything that might be helpful to us.”
She gave me a single hard nod. “I can do that.” Then she pivoted on her heel and took off without another word. Misty gave me one last smile before following her out.
I turned back to Centipede, who appeared to be in no rush to leave. She stepped up to me and seemed to be having a hard time looking me in the eye. “I’m—sorry.” She stumbled over the words. “At the end there—I panicked. We killed the director, and they were after us—”
“I get it,” I said. “But you can’t keep doing that. I can’t talk you into this every mission—especially on a mission.”
“I know.”
“You have to decide if you’re in or out.”
“I’m in,” she said quickly. “Really.”
I held her eyes. “Okay, then.”
“It’s strange,” she said after a beat. “I’m terrified that they might find out what we did. Or that I’ll show up back at headquarters and someone will have seen me. But the fact that they might not—that we might have gotten away with it, and that I could actually escape them. That feels really good.”
“I know exactly what you mean.” I smiled. “Remember that when you’re inside.”
“I will.” She returned the smile and took a step for the door. “I need to tell KATO something,” she said. “They’re going to want to know where I was when I don’t come back with you again.”
I chewed on my cheek, thinking. “Give them this house. We’ll leave enough behind so they’ll know we were here, and I’ll tell our director it’s been burned. Just give us some time to clear out.”
It wouldn’t save her completely, but it was better than going back empty-handed. “Thank you,” she said, letting out a small sigh of relief.
“You should check in with us on occasion, even if you don’t have intel,” I said. “Just so I know you’re all right.” She was the most vulnerable out of all of them.
She looked perplexed at first, and I knew it had been a very long time since anyone had said something like that to her. Eventually, she nodded. “I will let you know.” Her gaze dropped to my neck, and when she spoke again there was a note of sincerity I wouldn’t have thought her capable of a month ago. “Will you be okay?”
I rubbed the injection site, trying to hide my anxiety. “I guess we’ll find out soon, won’t we?”
Her eyes hardened, but she didn’t push. “I’ll be in touch,” she said. And then, like the others, she was gone.
Nikki had taken the chair Misty vacated, and my dad sat in the other one. I flopped onto the couch next to Travis feeling like I could take my first true breath since I started this team. This experiment had been rocky and uncertain, but somehow it had all come together in the end.
Travis kicked my foot and gave me a very pointed look. When he had agreed to keep the injection to ourselves until the girls were gone, I didn’t realize that it would be so literal. “You do it or I will,” he said.
Nikki looked between the two of us. “What’s going on?”
I took a moment to glance at her before focusing on my dad. “Something happened on the mission that you should know about,” I said. I took the story slow, giving him time to adjust to the reality as I spoke. It did very little to help the situation.
“You were injected,” my dad said, his voice quiet but intense. He leaned over the coffee table, and seemed to be fighting the urge to move closer.
I nodded, biting down hard on my lip. “I feel okay so far, though. I even shared some secrets on that mission after I was injected.”
“That may not mean anything,” he said. “Dr. March said that drilling into the skull was the most direct approach, not the only approach. Who knows how long it takes to kick in this way.”
Both Travis and Nikki watched me closely. Nikki looked more shocked than anything else and Travis seemed to be even angrier and more worried than he had been the first time he’d heard.
“So,” I said, inhaling slowly in a pathetic attempt to calm my nerves. “What do we do?”
My dad drummed his fingers on the table. “Get what you need from this house,” he said. “We’re getting you and the serum to Dr. March at the new headquarters.”
“Is it ready?” Nikki asked.
My dad glanced at her. “Yes,” he said. “And that’s the place with the tools and resources to fix this.” He started moving around the room, collecting equipment. He worked quickly—too quickly.
“Do you even know where the new location is?” I asked.
“England,” he said, heading for the stairs. “Let’s go. I want that serum in Dr. March’s hands by the end of the day.”
Nikki set to work packing up the rest of the tech, while Travis started sorting through the papers we’d left scat
tered on the coffee table. I leaned forward, resting my head in my hands, giving myself one moment to allow everything to sink in.
KATO had found yet another way to damage me. Though even with that, I had three KATO agents, Eliza, and their special serum. They may have gotten some hits in, but I was starting to get mine. And I didn’t plan on giving up any time soon.
Acknowledgments
First, to every reader of Crossing the Line, thank you for reading. And thank you for telling a friend, or ten—or the Internet. Thank you for loving Jocelyn so much. I hope you enjoyed reading this next chapter of her story as much as I did writing it.
Thanks to my awesome agent, Michelle Wolfson, for continuing to be so supportive, enthusiastic, and insightful. And thank you for reading this book in a weekend when I was pretty sure I needed to rewrite at least half of it for the third time. If left to my own devices, I would have done that rewrite, and this would have been a different (and worse-off) book. I can’t thank you enough for your perspective—both then and on a regular basis.
To my fabulous editor, Jill Santopolo, for helping me tell the story I wanted to tell. I seriously don’t know how you did it. I’d decided long before I turned this book in to you that the direction I wanted it to go in just wasn’t plausible. You asked all the right questions and led me back to the book I wanted to write—which was also the book that needed to be written. Thank you for being so good at what you do. Also, thanks to Talia Benamy, whose notes were equally on point, and to Michael Green, Semadar Megged, Jennifer Chung, Kristin Smith, Maggie Edkins, Rob Farren, and everyone at Philomel and Penguin Young Readers for all of your hard work to make this book happen.
To my parents, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and the rest of my extended family for being so excited and supportive of these books. I was in no way surprised by this enthusiasm, but it’s been so amazing to see in action. I wouldn’t want to call any other group my family.
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