“Wake me when you get up,” Peter said. “I'll keep you company when you start the turkey, if you want.”
Tanya looked at him and shook her head. “How did I ever get so lucky?” she said, kissing him. “No, I'm not going to get you up. Are you kidding? You need your sleep. But thank you for offering.”
“You need your sleep, too. Besides, I enjoy hanging out with you.”
“So do I, with you. It won't take me long. I'll come back to bed.”
They went to bed shortly after, and Tanya cuddled up next to him until she got up. He slept with his arms around her, as he always did, and a peaceful look on his face. He was happy to have her home, as happy as she was to be back. Despite her sense of failure and loss with Megan, it felt wonderful to be home.
Tanya got up on schedule to put the turkey in the oven, did everything she had to do, and went back to bed for another four hours. She slept as close to Peter as she could get, and when she woke up, they were a tangle of sheets, blankets, legs, and arms. It was so much nicer than sleeping alone in her bedroom in the bungalow in Beverly Hills. She stretched, and smiled as she looked at him. It was the perfect beginning of their day.
“It's nice to have you home, Tan,” he said happily. They made love then, and got up shortly after that. Peter showered and dressed and went downstairs. Tanya followed him down in her robe, to check on things in the kitchen. She was surprised to see Megan sitting at the kitchen table engrossed in a serious conversation with Alice, who had made herself a cup of coffee. Alice looked totally at home in the kitchen, and surprised when Tanya and Peter walked in. She had a book next to her on the table, and looked at Peter with an easy grin.
“I brought you back your book. It was great. Funniest thing I ever read … Happy Thanksgiving, by the way,” she said to both of them, but Tanya once again had the feeling of being an invisible person in her own life. Almost as if she had died and come back as a ghost. For a minute, she had the impression that Alice had looked right through her.
“Can I make you breakfast?” Tanya offered, trying not to feel resentful or jealous of the deep conversation she and Megan were obviously having.
“No, thanks. I already ate. James and Melissa were up at the crack of dawn.” Jason and Molly were still asleep. They had stayed up late. Only Megan was up, after a nasty phone conversation with her exâ€best friend Donna early that morning that she had just told Alice about. Alice had come to the kitchen door with Peter's book, and was about to leave it there, when Megan saw her and asked her to come in. She told her all about her conversation with Donna after that. “That's a gorgeous turkey you've got in the oven, Tan,” Alice said admiringly. “I couldn't find a decent one this year. They were all gone.” She chatted amiably as Tanya poured Peter a cup of coffee, made tea for herself, and they sat down at the kitchen table with their daughter and neighbor. Peter asked her about the book, and Alice told him again how much she had loved it, and how funny she thought it was. He seemed pleased.
“I told you it was just your cup of tea. He wrote another one that's even funnier. I have to look for it. It's upstairs somewhere. I'll give it to you later,” Peter said, with the comfortable tone of great familiarity.
Listening to him chat with Alice, Tanya wasn't sure a casual observer would have been able to figure out which of them he was married to, except that he had just made love to her. Barring that, he seemed equally comfortable with both women, and there was a tone of intimacy between him and Alice that suddenly unnerved her. She knew he wasn't sleeping with her, but he was certainly familiar and comfortable with her. Almost too much so, for Tanya's taste. They seemed to have gotten friendlier since Tanya left for L.A. She was in and out of the house constantly, checking on the girls, bringing all of them food, or had them over to dinner at her place. She had become more family than friend to the children, and even to Peter. And Tanya realized now that Alice's name came up in almost every conversation. She had either brought them something, done something for them, or gone somewhere with one or both of the girls. It was a huge help to Peter, but it also irked Tanya.
She sat looking at her now, and asked herself a question. She thought she knew the answer to it, but she wasn't quite as sure as she might have been before September. She decided to ask Peter later, and went on sitting at the kitchen table, listening to them, until Alice finally got up and left, and went back to her own house and children. Megan left the kitchen almost as soon as she did. There was a moment's silence in the kitchen after she went upstairs, as Tanya looked at Peter, hoping her fears were unfounded. She had never questioned him before, not even in her own mind. And she felt guilty about it now. This was all her fault, she knew, and no one else's. But Alice certainly seemed to have become comfortable in their house, and with Peter, far more than she ever had been before.
“I know this sounds crazy, and more than a little paranoid,” Tanya said carefully, as she looked at him. They had made love less than an hour before, and everything seemed fine. But you never knew. People did stranger things. Maybe he got lonely without her, and he knew Alice had been looking for a man since Jim died. “But you're not having an affair with her, are you? I'm sorry to even ask you that, but it's beginning to feel like she's moved in.” She had never been as evident in their lives before, no matter how close she and Tanya were. Alice had never been as close to Peter, and now she was.
“Don't be ridiculous,” Peter said predictably. It was the appropriate answer, as he stood up to get himself another cup of coffee. Tanya was watching his face. “Whatever made you think that?”
“You guys see a lot of her during the week, and you're over at her house a lot. She's practically adopted Megan. I felt like I was walking into her kitchen just now when we walked in. I never felt that from her before. As though you and the kids belong to her, and not to me. Women are funny that way. They get possessive of the men they sleep with, and even their families.” She looked troubled as she said it, and he shook his head.
“She's been a big help while you're away. But I don't think she has any illusions about me and the kids. She knows you're coming back.” There was something about the way he said it that made Tanya feel uneasy.
“What does that mean? That she knows she has to give you back when I finish the movie, or that nothing is happening now?” There was an ever-so-subtle difference, a nuance that Tanya had picked up from him that she didn't like.
“I'm not sleeping with her. How's that for a simple answer?” Peter said succinctly, and then put his cup in the sink. He kept moving around. Tanya wasn't sure why, although the subject was uncomfortable for them both.
“Good. That's simple. I'm glad,” she said, leaning over to kiss him on the mouth. “I'd be extremely upset if you did. Just so you're clear about that.” He looked at her strangely then.
“What about you, Tan? Are you tempted in L.A.? Has anyone crossed your path that you'd want to have a quick fling with, or even a long one, for the duration of the movie? I know a lot of crazy stuff happens on movie sets, and you're a beautiful woman.” She smiled at what he said, and didn't hesitate for a beat when she answered.
“No. Not for a minute. You're the only man for me. They all look like shit compared to you. I'm in love with you.” Still. After twenty years. He looked pleased.
“I'm in love with you, too,” he said softly. “Don't be mad at Alice. She's lonely, and she's nice to our kids.”
“I just don't want her being overly nice to you. She acts like I don't exist when you're around,” Tanya commented again.
“She's a good friend. I really appreciate her help. I couldn't manage without her sometimes. She keeps an eye on things when I can't get home early enough. And the girls like her a lot. They always did.”
“I know. I like her, too. I just worry. It's hard being away five days a week.” It had turned out to be much harder than either of them had thought it would be. After only two months it was rough. And Tanya was worried about missing weekends with them during the shoot. She w
as determined to get home as often as she could, but knew it wouldn't always be possible, as it hadn't been in the last two weeks. And she sure as hell didn't want him having an affair as a result. They both had to be strong. She was. And she could only assume he was, too, no matter how lonely Alice was, or how helpful with the girls. Tanya was getting strange vibes from her, and Alice had seemed slightly uncomfortable with her. Tanya had wondered if it was guilt. Apparently not. But she was glad she had asked, to clear the air. She was relieved by his response. She wasn't going to bring it up again. Once was enough.
She checked on the turkey again. It looked fine. And then she went upstairs to shower and dress. She heard Jason stirring in his room when she went up. It was nice to have him back. She smiled as she went back to her own room. It was an hour later when she came back downstairs, and by then Jason was in the kitchen, talking to his dad. She offered to cook him a light breakfast, she didn't want him spoiling his appetite for their turkey dinner, which they were planning to eat midafternoon. But he said he had already grazed adequately in the fridge. He had had cheesecake and leftover chili for breakfast. It was a perfect meal, in Jason's eyes.
At one-thirty they were all in the living room, dressed for Thanksgiving. And at two they sat down in the dining room. Peter carved the turkey, and they all agreed that the meal was better than usual this year. The turkey was one of the best they'd had. And as Tanya looked around the table at them, and said grace, as she did every year, she was grateful that they were together, that they loved each other, and that they had much to be thankful for again this year.
“Thank you for our family,” she said softly before she said amen. And silently, she asked God to protect them in her absence.
Chapter 10
Leaving home on the Sunday after Thanksgiving was one of the hardest things Tanya had done in a long time. She felt as though she had just gotten home and settled in, when it was time to leave them all again. She and Molly had had some delicious moments together, and it was so good to have Jason home again. And on Saturday afternoon Megan had finally told her everything that had happened with Mike. The confidences she shared, the obvious disappointment in her eyes, and the fact that she was opening up to her mother again nearly made Tanya cry. And she and Peter seemed closer than they had been in a long time. It had been a perfect holiday weekend. It nearly killed her to pack on Sunday afternoon, and go back to L.A. on Sunday night. She looked miserable when Peter drove her to the airport in a driving rain, and he looked equally unhappy.
“God, I hate to go back,” she said, as they approached the airport. She wanted to tell him to turn around and go home and she'd quit the movie. She was really sorry now that she'd made the commitment. She felt that Peter and the girls really needed her at home. And she needed them just as much. “What do you think would happen if I quit?” She'd been thinking about it all weekend.
“They'd probably sue you, for what they've paid you so far, and damages to the movie. I don't think it's a great idea. Speaking as your lawyer, I'd have to advise against it.” He smiled sadly at her, as he moved into the lane marked “departures.” “As your husband, I have to admit I love the idea. I think you'd better listen to the lawyer, not the husband, on this one. I think they play hardball in the major leagues. You could pretty much kiss your ass and your writing career goodbye.” It seemed like a small sacrifice to make, and almost worth it to her. “You don't want to get in a lawsuit, Tan. It would be a mess.” She nodded and fought back tears. “We'll make it work. It won't be forever. Just another six months.” It sounded like a life sentence to her, and to him as well. The movie seemed like a bad idea now. And her only choice was to bite the bullet, and get through it as best they could. Coming home was both easy and hard. It was nearly impossible to leave. Both girls had cried when she left, which nearly killed her. And Peter looked like someone had died, which was how she felt. What a huge mistake this had turned out to be. She didn't want to go back.
“The Christmas hiatus starts in three weeks, thank God. I'll be off for three weeks.” It was the same three weeks as the kids' Christmas vacation, so at least she'd be around while they were out of school, and for a few days after. Only Jason's vacation was longer, but he was planning to go skiing with friends when she left. “I'll come home next weekend if I can.”
“Maybe I can come down for a night if you can't. The girls can stay with Alice.” Peter didn't want to leave them alone in the house.
“I'd love that,” she said, as they pulled up to the curb. She had only hand luggage as always and nothing to check. “I'll let you know if I have to work next weekend.”
“Just take care of yourself, Tan,” he said, holding her tight. “Don't work too hard … and thank you for a wonderful Thanksgiving. We all loved it.”
“Me too …I love you …,” she said, and he kissed her. There was an aura of desperation between the two of them. She had felt it when they made love that morning, as though they were both drowning, and being pulled away from each other by the currents.
“I love you, too. Call me when you get in.” People behind them were honking and she had to get out. She stopped for a minute and looked at him, and then leaned back into the car to kiss him, as a traffic guard told him to hurry up and move on. He drove away a minute later, and she went inside with her bag.
They delayed the flight shortly after that. She left three hours late, and didn't get to the hotel until after one A.M. She called Peter from LAX when they landed. The weather had been awful on the flight, and it was raining in L.A., too. Everything about her return seemed depressing. She missed Peter and the girls already, and she was dreading going back to the set. She wanted to go home. She turned the key in the lock of the bungalow, and was surprised when she walked in. The night maid had left all the lights on, and soft music playing. Everything looked beautiful and warm and welcoming, and instead of like a lonely hotel room, she was surprised to find that it felt like home to her now, too. There was a bowl of fresh fruit on the coffee table, some pastries and cookies, and a bottle of champagne from the management. It was cozy and warm, and she sat down on the couch with a tired sigh. It had been an endless trip. And now that she was back, it didn't feel as bad as she had feared.
She walked into the bathroom, and the huge bathtub looked inviting. She put bath salts in and turned on the Jacuzzi, and sank into it five minutes later. She hadn't had dinner, and had a headache, and then she realized she could call room service and order anything she wanted. A club sandwich and a cup of tea sounded like a gift from heaven. When she got out of the tub, and put on her cashmere bathrobe, she called room service, and ten minutes later her sandwich and tea arrived. She smiled to herself, realizing that this wasn't quite the punishment she remembered. There were a few advantages at least, and some luxuries that made it tolerable. She turned on the TV while she ate, and watched an old Cary Grant movie, and then climbed into the bed, with perfectly pressed sheets. She missed having Peter's arms around her, but aside from that she spent a warm, comfortable night and felt rested when she woke up in the morning to a brilliantly sunny day. Sunlight was streaming into the room. And as she looked around, she felt surprisingly at home. This was her own private little world, separate from her family and home. It was so odd having two lives, one where she loved to live, with people she loved, and another where she worked. Maybe it wasn't as bad as she thought, she told herself, and she'd be home for vacation in three weeks. With luck, she'd get home that weekend, too. For a sudden instant, she felt almost schizophrenic about it, as though she were one person there, and a different one here. It was the first time she had felt that way.
She called Peter, and he was already on his way to work, fighting traffic on the bridge. He had left early that morning, and had a call holding on the other line. She said she'd call him that night when he got home, and told him she loved him before he clicked off. And then she got up and dressed for work.
There was the usual chaos on the set when she got there, and people s
eemed in good spirits after the four-day break over Thanksgiving. Max looked happy to see her, and even Harry wagged his tail when he saw her. It felt a little bit like coming home, just as it had when she walked into the bungalow the night before. She felt slightly guilty for what she was feeling. It wasn't nearly as bad as she remembered when she was in Ross with Peter and her children. She felt pulled now between two vastly disparate worlds. The good news was that she could have both. The confusing part was that it made her feel like two people, and she was momentarily unsure which one she was. The writer or the wife and mother. She was both. The wife and mother were what mattered most to her. But this wasn't bad either. She felt like a traitor, as she sat down in a chair next to Max and patted Harry. They both seemed like old friends now.
“So how was domestic bliss over Thanksgiving?” Max asked her, and she smiled.
“It was great. How was yours?”
“Probably not as blissful as yours, but not bad. Harry and I had turkey sandwiches and watched old movies on TV.” His kids were in the East, and he didn't want to fly cross country for a few days, so he had stayed in L.A., but he was going to see them for Christmas.
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