“Long, too, but it was okay.” And then his voice softened. “I miss you, even though everything's a mess right now. I'm sorry, Tan. I'm sorry I fucked it all up.” He sounded near tears as he said it. He had gone back to their room and was sitting on the bed talking to her. He was lonely, and she was, too.
“Hopefully, we'll fix it.” Her voice was gentle. “I miss you too. I love you.” And then she had an idea. “Do you want to come down one night this week, for the night?” They needed something like that. A little romance in their lives, to strengthen the bond again.
“I don't think I can,” he said, sounding depressed. “I have meetings all week, and I don't want to leave the girls.” And now Alice wasn't next door to keep an eye on them, or help them if they had a problem.
“They could stay with friends,” Tanya suggested.
“I'll see. Maybe next week. This week is a killer.”
“It was just a thought.”
“It was a nice thought.”
“I'll try to get home this weekend. I promise. I said something about it to Douglas, that I really need to get home. I hope they don't schedule any meetings on Saturday. Even if they do, I'll come home right after.” She thought it was important to be home for the moment, to try and shore up the damage that had been done.
As it turned out, there were no weekend meetings that week. She didn't know if Douglas had done that for her, or they didn't need them. But she got out promptly on Friday afternoon, and was in Ross by dinnertime. Peter looked pleased to see her, and the girls were delighted to see their mom, and then went out with friends. She and Peter went to a little Italian restaurant they liked in Marin for a late dinner, and things felt almost normal when they came home. The week had done them good. The dust was starting to settle. They didn't make love that night, but for the first time in weeks they cuddled, and then finally the next morning they made love for the first time since his affair with Alice. It was sad but sweet, and there was a gentle, bittersweet quality to it, as though they were both reaching out and trying to find each other again. She had to force herself not to think that he had done the same things with Alice. She didn't let herself think about it, as she lay in his arms afterward and closed her eyes. He was afraid to ask her what she was thinking. He just wanted things to be all right between them again. He hoped they would be. All he could do was try to repair the damage he had done.
Tanya opened her eyes and looked at him. There was a small, sad smile on her lips. “I love you, Peter.”
“Me too,” he said, and kissed her gently on the mouth. “I love you, Tan … I'm so sorry.” She nodded, trying not to think that his I love you sounded like goodbye.
Chapter 13
Tanya made it home for three weekends in a row in January, and things started to feel normal with Peter again. She knew he was trying to make amends, and she was relieved to see week after week that Alice hadn't come back. It helped. She never wanted to see her again, which was of course impossible, since she lived next door. But the longer she stayed away, to break the spell, the better chance Tanya and Peter had to regain their marriage.
The fourth weekend she couldn't come home, but Peter said it was fine. He was preparing for a trial, the girls had plans, and the weather had been terrible all week. More than likely her flight would have gotten canceled or delayed. There had been storms up and down the state, and he said Tanya was better off in L.A. She had a lot of work to do, too. More script changes, and they were doing location shots for the next few weeks that were going to be difficult. They were estimating that the picture would end in six or seven weeks. She could hardly wait. She would be home then for two weeks, and then back to work on postproduction with the editors and Max. She had been in L.A. for five months by then, with roughly four more to go, maybe less. She felt as though she had given blood for this picture. Or maybe worse, her marriage. But things were slowly improving with Peter. Their three weekends together had helped them a lot, and Tanya was grateful she'd been able to get home.
At the end of the following week, she got a nasty case of flu, or food poisoning, and couldn't get home either. It was another week before she got home, which coincidentally was Valentine's Day. She had bought Peter a red tie with hearts on it, and a box of his favorite candy, and cute nightgowns for the girls and some T-shirts from Fred Segal's. She was carrying all of it in a shopping bag, when she got out of the cab in front of their house. She had wanted to surprise Peter, so she hadn't called him, and as she got out of the cab, she saw him coming out of Alice's house, and he had his arm around her waist. They were laughing when he looked up and saw Tanya staring at them. Tanya stood still for a moment, and then with her head down, she hurried into the house. She was standing in the kitchen, shaking, when Peter found her. He looked frightened.
“I see Alice is back,” Tanya said as she looked at him. She made no accusations, but they had looked totally at ease with each other, and she had noticed that Alice had a new hairdo. “When did she come home?”
“About ten days ago,” he said, sounding solemn. He knew what Tanya thought. It hadn't happened yet, but they had spent some time together and talked about what had happened two months before. They were both still trying to understand it, and figure out what it meant, if it had been an accident or something more important for either of them.
“Alice looks good,” Tanya said in a flat voice, wanting to ask if he had already slept with her, but she didn't dare. He could hear the question without her voicing it. It was obvious what she thought.
“Nothing's happened, Tan. She's sick,” he said with a serious expression. “She had a check-up when she got back, and they found a lump in her breast. She had a lumpectomy last week, and they're starting radiation in a few weeks.” He sounded worried, and Tanya looked into his eyes.
“I'm sorry to hear it. Does that change things for us again?” she wanted to know. She didn't want to ride this seesaw with him. Once was enough. He shook his head.
“I just feel sorry for her,” he said honestly. Tanya knew that was dangerous for them, but there was nothing she could do to stop it. Whatever he felt for Alice was between them, and if Tanya lost him to her now, she knew it was inevitable. Maybe it had nothing to do with her being in L.A. She couldn't tie him up forever. If he wanted out, he would find the way. Tanya felt defeated as she looked at him across the kitchen. She suddenly felt as though she had lost again. “I'm not going to do anything stupid, Tan,” he said gently. She nodded with tears in her eyes, picked up her things, and went upstairs. But in a flash, with Alice's return, everything had changed. She could feel it, or maybe all she felt was fear, both her own and Peter's.
He took her to dinner the following night for Valentine's Day, and she gave him his present. He wore the tie to dinner, and he gave her a cashmere sweater. She loved it, but she was anxious all weekend. Knowing Alice was next door again was like having the devil come to visit. Tanya wasn't sure how to win. If that was what Peter wanted, she knew there was no way to stop him, or to change the course of fate. The girls were happy Alice was back, although they could sense that something had happened between their friend and their mother. Neither woman talked about it, both avoided the subject, and both refused to look them in the eye whenever they asked questions. Alice just said they needed a break. And Tanya said nothing. But it was obvious that Tanya didn't even want to hear her name.
When Peter took Tanya to the airport on Sunday night, she was quiet and looked strained. He finally brought the subject up himself. “I'm not going to let anything happen, Tan. Alice and I talked about it. She knows I don't want to do anything to jeopardize our marriage. Why don't you trust that, and go back to L.A. in peace?”
“Why is it that the only thing that comes to mind is ‑the road to hell is paved with good intentions’?” she said with a small, wry smile, and Peter laughed. It was certainly apt.
“Trust me.” She had trusted both of them before, and was well aware of what had happened. It was hard to trust them
in such close proximity again. It was asking an awful lot of her. “You can put a tracking device on me, if you like. Or an alarm.” He was trying to lighten the moment, and Tanya smiled ruefully at him.
“What about a chip in your teeth?”
“Anything you want. I told her I'd take her to radiation treatments if she needs me to, when she starts them in a few weeks. But I'm not going to do anything more than that, I promise.” Tanya's heart sank at what he had just said.
“Why can't she get someone else to take her? She has lots of friends.” Alice was a gregarious woman whom everyone liked, and people had always been drawn to her, like a magnet.
“If she can manage without me, she will. She said everyone is busy.”
“So are you,” Tanya pointed out. “She's going to get her hooks in you again,” Tanya said with a look of anguish and despair. There seemed to be no way to keep them away from each other, and Alice needing help from him was exactly the kind of thing Tanya was afraid of and wanted to avoid. It was a perfect way to start their affair again. Sympathy, compassion, concern, pity. Tanya knew just how Peter worked, and so did their friend.
“Don't worry, Tan. It'll be fine,” he said, looking confident, as they drove into the airport, and a moment later they were at the curb.
Tanya looked at him with worried eyes, and felt a wave of terror engulf her. “I'm scared,” she said softly to him.
“Don't be. She's exactly what she used to be. A friend. The rest was a mistake.” Tanya nodded, and kissed him goodbye. A moment later she was on the sidewalk carrying her bag, and turned to wave. He waved back, smiled, and drove away. And as Tanya walked into the airport, she felt panic eat at her again. She thought about it all the way to L.A. on the plane and when she got back to the hotel. She had no idea what to do to protect Peter from Alice and finally realized she couldn't. It was up to him.
She called him on his cell phone shortly after, and it went to voice mail. By the time he called her back at eleven o'clock that night, she was so anxious she was feeling sick. She didn't want to ask him where he'd been, but she could guess.
“How was your evening?” she said instead. She had left a stupid message on his cell, and he knew what she was asking him.
“I went to a movie with the girls. We just got back.” She felt an instant wave of relief, followed by a second wave of fear. “Did Alice go with you?” She hated herself for asking, but had to know. She hated knowing she was back. It was a nightmare having her so close.
“No, she didn't. We didn't ask her.”
“I'm sorry, Peter.” She felt like someone she'd never been before, someone she didn't want to be. But she had no choice. Fear was in control.
“It's okay. I understand. How was your flight?”
“Fine. I miss you.” They were almost back where they had been before his brief affair with Alice. Her being back now stirred the pot again, and ugly things were coming up. Mostly panic and resentment, and the anger Tanya felt at having been betrayed by both of them. It still seemed fresh.
“I miss you, too. Get some sleep. I'll call you tomorrow.” She lay in bed for hours that night, wondering if he had sneaked next door, or if Alice was in her bed. It was becoming an obsession, and she hated herself for it. She knew he didn't like it either. Who would? But it was his own fault. Peter and Alice had created a mess that now all three of them had to live with. And Tanya was the innocent bystander in it all. She hated her role of unwitting victim, betrayed wife.
The picture heated up for the next month. They were nearing the end, and in the final frenzy of trying to get all the shots right, there was no way for Tanya to get home. They were in production meetings day and night, and she rewrote the script a thousand times. Even Max looked exhausted. It was the third week of March when Max held up a hand and said “Cut!” for the last time, and then the magic words, “It's a wrap, folks.” A cheer went up on the soundstage they were working on, and everyone danced around. Champagne was poured, and people hugged and kissed. Jean and Ned were still an item, but there were bets on the set that they wouldn't be for long. He was going to his next movie in May, and would be shooting in South Africa for six months. Douglas was working on another project, and so was Max. And Tanya wanted to go home. She hadn't seen Peter for two weeks, and he hadn't been able to come down.
She had two weeks off, which coincided perfectly with the girls' spring vacation. And then Tanya had to come back for six to eight weeks of postproduction. She would be all through in late May or early June, just in time for the girls to graduate. She had missed the entire year with them. The only consolation was that she'd be home when the girls got their college acceptances. At least there was that.
“Are you going to miss us, Tanny?” Max asked, sipping champagne, as he held a second glass for the dog. Douglas was shaking hands with everyone. There was an atmosphere of New Year's celebration all around them. The cruise was over for the cast. Only the editors and production people would be around for the next two months, working closely with Max, while he and Douglas meticulously looked over the final results. There would be some dubbing, looping, some voices they'd have to add, a lot of scenes they'd cut. The art of movie making was about to be exercised in minute detail, but first Tanya was going home.
By the time she got back to the bungalow to pack, it was too late to catch a flight, so she went home in the morning. She could hardly wait for two weeks at home with Peter and the girls. It was the longest span of time she'd been home since Christmas, which had been disastrous. And she'd worked like a dog ever since. She felt as though she'd been through the wars. She dreaded going back to L.A. for the last two months. She felt as though she had really earned her keep. All she wanted was to go home to Peter and the girls.
The house looked fine when she walked into the kitchen. It looked better than fine, it looked like home. She smiled broadly to herself, and loved being there when the girls got home. Even Megan seemed happy to see her there. She bought groceries, and cooked their favorite dinner. She had the table set and candles lit that night when Peter got home. It was hard to believe she hadn't seen him in more than a month. He smiled as he came through the door and saw what she'd done.
“It looks beautiful, Tan. That was nice of you.” He put an arm around her and hugged her, and when they went upstairs that night, she was hoping they'd make love. Peter was exhausted, and was sound asleep before she could take off her clothes. She was disappointed but there was no rush. She had two whole weeks ahead of her at home.
He was up when she woke up on Saturday, and already downstairs in the kitchen. He had made breakfast for her, the girls had gone out, and after she cleared the table, he suggested they take a walk. It was a beautiful, warm spring day. They drove to the base of Mount Tam and started walking. The way he looked at her made her uneasy, and she suddenly felt panic ripple through her again. They walked for the first ten minutes in silence, and when he saw a bench, he suggested they sit down. He looked as though he had something to say to her, and before he said a word, Tanya knew what it was. She wanted to run away and hide. But she couldn't. She had to at least pretend to be grown up. She was scared, and felt about five years old.
“Why is it that I have the feeling I'm not going to like what you're about to say?” Tanya said with a knot in her stomach. Peter looked down at his feet as he leaned over and played with some pebbles on the ground, and when he sat up again, she saw that he looked pained.
“I don't know what to say to you. I think you know anyway. I never thought this would happen. I still don't know how it did or why. But it did, Tan.” He was trying to make it fast and as painless as he could, but as he started, he realized that there was no way. It was going to be awful, whatever he did or said. “Alice and I got back together when she was sick, while she had radiation. I know it sounds crazy, but I think I want to marry her. I love you, it's not even about your being in L.A., or your not coming home for the past month. I think this would have happened anyway. I have the feeling it was m
eant to be.” She felt as though he had hit her with an ax. Her guts felt sliced in two. Her head was spinning, and her heart was somewhere in her shoes. She stared at him in disbelief.
“That simple? It's over? I haven't seen you in five weeks, and you decide that you and Alice were meant to be? How the hell did you come to that conclusion?” She was almost as angry as she was hurt.
“I realized how much I love her when she was sick. She needs me, Tan. I'm not sure you do. You're a strong woman. She isn't, and she's been through a lot of shit. She needs someone to take care of her.”
“Oh God …” Tanya leaned back against the bench, and closed her eyes. She couldn't even cry this time. Her body and mind hurt too much to even produce tears. She felt as though she were in shock. With all her suspicions, she had worried that he was sleeping with her, not that he was going to marry her, or decide it was “meant to be.” Tanya couldn't get her mind around the concept yet and wondered if she ever would. “I wrote a segment of a soap like this once. The producer thought it was too cheesy, so he made me cut the scene. Little did I know I'd be living it one day. Life imitating art, or some shit like that.” She stared at him in disbelief. “What's all that crap about my being so strong, and Alice needing you? Alice is a lot tougher than I. I think she set you up, Peter. She decided she wanted you, and she set out to get you the minute my back was turned. I think she's a lot stronger than you think.” He was so goddamned naéve, and they were both such shits. It was all Tanya could think. The fact that her life, such as she had known it for twenty years, was about to go out the window seemed much less important now than the fact that she had been totally betrayed by two people she loved, especially Peter. She felt set up, lied to, and betrayed by both of them. For the second time in three months. Maybe that was what he meant by “meant to be.” She felt “meant to be” screwed over by both of them. They had done a hell of a good job.
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