by Xyla Turner
Tears threatened to come, so I tried to restrain as much as I could. “I just want to be alone. Okay? I just want to be left alone.”
“Well, you're not.” She raised an eyebrow at me. “Go ahead, we’re getting out of here, but I'm not leaving you alone.”
Fuck.
“Kylie.”
“Shay, either you drive or I will, or you stay and hand Bronx his ass. I don't give a fuck, but with everything going on with the other club and shit. I'm not leaving you alone and don't forget you have a tail.” She pointed to the back, grabbed her seat belt to put over her pink halter top and took a deep breath.
“Fine, you bitch.” I snapped because she had a point.
“Back at ya, bitch.” She was smiling even though I had my eyes on the road.
We drove to Lancaster’s mall almost in silence, except when Kylie informed me that she was going to text Razor that she was okay because, after that whole incident with that stalker, he would lose his fucking mind. Which, he would.
Greg’s words just kept playing over in my head. Bronx was engaged, left some poor woman at the altar and never to see her again.
We had to be too good to be true. This wasn't even a time that I went looking for information, this time, it found me and smacked me in the fucking face.
Kylie and I sat on the bench, eating Auntie Anne's pretzels, when she finally said, “Okay, worst case scenario, he has commitment issues. So you guys can take it slow, and when he's ready, he’ll be ready.”
I shook my head as I thought about all the places my mind went when he said all of those sweet things. I thought of a wedding, babies, and everything he wanted for me. He said that, but maybe that's why he wouldn't commit because he wouldn't be the man to deliver it. Maybe he was trying to warn me, but why lead me on? That is what kept making me angry.
“Shay?”
“Hmm,” I mumbled.
“You're scaring me.”
I turned to her and said, “You know, I never said this, but I understand why Lori left. I get it. She was publicly humiliated by a man who gave zero fucks about her and made that known after she made it known that she gave every fuck about him. That is the most bone crushing thing that could happen to anyone.” I nodded my head and said, “I get it.”
“Shay, that's not what happened here.” Kylie tried to clarify.
“Oh, but it is. The very same thing. He's not saying it to the whole town of Manor, but it is the same thing. We put our feelings out there, other people see it, and it’s like the damn joke is on you.” I shook my head. “I’m tired, Kylie. I don’t want to do this anymore?”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying, I can’t handle Bronx breaking my heart. I’m telling you. Girl.” The tears started running down my face. “Why do you think I worked so hard to stay away from him? He’s my kryptonite. I’m scared of my feelings for him. You and Razor didn’t know each other. It’s different for you. We knew each other and worked together in a way and were associated in the same circles. I liked him, we had sex and then a four year nothing, then he comes, sweeps me off my feet and now this. I can’t.”
The tears started flowing down my face faster.
“Let’s go,” I said and stood up.
“Wait, Shay. Let’s just think this through, okay?”
“Kylie, love you like a sister, but I’m tired. I won't be standing at someone's alter waiting to be publicly humiliated again. Fuck him.” I shook my head. “And I don't want to talk about it anymore.”
The scorching tears continued to roll down my face as I tried to convince myself it was all a dream and it never happened. It was a weeklong fantasy that came true and now it was back to reality.
“Well, I'm driving.”
I tossed her the keys. “Fine by me.”
If I saw him, I'd probably run his ass over.
After my shower, I went home, threw anything Bronx-ish in the garbage, including that fucking note and got in bed. My phone was off, so there'd be no conversations that night. I would have said something I would regret and could never take back.
Well, no sleep came to me that night, and the hot tears continued to fall on my pillow. I called out the next morning and laid in bed all day. Dessy knocked on the door and asked if I was okay, but I told her, I was a little under the weather. She offered to get me some soup and crackers, but I declined. The last thing I ate was a pretzel, which I consumed only to keep my hands busy.
By the afternoon, a hard knock rattled my door.
“Open up.” It was Bronx.
“Go away.” I yelled.
“Open the door, Shay.” He repeated.
“Listen, Bronx. It was great while it lasted. Okay? We lived it. Can't say it wasn't good, right? So, let's call a spade a spade. We would never last. You and I both know it. I can't go through this with you. Not you.”
I stopped talking because my voice was breaking and the tears started to roll down my puffy face.
“Shay,” he growled. “Open this fucking door.”
I didn't move. I couldn't.
There was a loud bang and then another one, which sent the door flying open, and the top hinges pulled out of the door frame, causing me to jump.
Bronx resembled that of a mad man. His normal calm mocha skin seemed darker, eyes were sharp, mouth tight and his fist were clenched. When his dark eyes hit mine, then his face softened before he shook his head slowly.
“Stop, crying.” He palmed his bald crown. “Stop.”
Bronx walked over to my bed and started to crawl towards me.
“Stop, Bronx.” I moved closer to the headboard, pulling my feet up to my thighs. “Please, just go.”
“Shay, stop crying.” He said as my voice hitched again.
Bronx’s arms wrapped around my waist as his head rested on my stomach. I tried to push him off, but his grip was lethal, and there was no moving.
“Go,” I cried.
He lifted his head and said, “Not letting you go. I won't let you sabotage us. Or fucking Greg or something that happened almost twenty years ago. I've paid my debt. I paid, Shay. I have nothing else to give. You're it, and I'm not going to just leave. It's been four years, I've denied myself, tried to make sure you would get what I wanted you to have, but you didn't. So, I'm not letting you go. I don't have a single fuck to give, so you're stuck with me.”
Bronx laid his head back on my stomach and stayed there until I cried myself to sleep.
When I woke up again, there was a plate of fruit on the bed next to me along with a note.
My stomach growled, but I snatched the note to read,
‘eat something. I'll be back later.
Quickly pulling out my phone and turning it on, I texted Bronx.
Shay: Don't come back. Need space.
Holy Fuck. He wasn't going to leave it alone, and I had no idea how to get him to stop, so I called Kylie.
“You doing alright?” she asked.
“No, girl.” I sighed. “No, I'm really not.”
My voice broke again. I'd never cried so much in my fucking life.
“Oh, honey.” Kylie exhaled as my sadness was catching on.
“I can't. He came over yesterday, and I just can't deal with him. This isn't me being bratty; I need fucking space. I need time to gather my thoughts.”
“Then tell him that. Just like you told me.”
“He won't listen, I tried.”
“No, Shay. You call him and tell him. If he really cares for you like he says, he’ll give you that. Maybe give him a time and see if that works.”
“Kylie, you know better than I do that what these guardians want, they get.”
“Except you,” she corrected.
“What?” I exclaimed.
“Bronx has been wanting you for the longest. He had a glimpse of that, and now that is either going to be taken away from him or put on hold. You pick?”
Fuck.
“Okay, will call you back.”
I hung up and held the cell p
hone to my chest. Kylie was right, we needed to talk, and we needed to do it soon, or there wouldn't be anything to fix.
My fingers pressed his name on my phone as my heart sank.
“Shay?”
“Listen, you got a minute so we can talk?”
“We need more than a minute.” He sounded worn out too.
“We do. But Bronx, I got to get my shit together, okay? I need time to think, and you cloud everything for me. Can you give me a couple of weeks?”
“Fuck no.” Bronx answered immediately. Then his voice got low, and he said, “Absolutely, fucking not.”
“What!?!” I exclaimed.
There was a lot of noise in the background, and then it went silent.
“Sharon, you’re acting like I don't have any feelings or say so in this shit. Do you know how long I've waited? How long I've held back? How long I've had to agonize over not having you? Do you even care?” He paused, but I dare not say anything, I'd never heard Bronx like this. “Fuck, no. I've waited too long for you. I'm not giving you two weeks to conjure up some shit to cut me loose. Fuck that. You want to get rid of me; then you give me a good goddamn reason, and you do that shit to my face. I deserve that because hearing some almost twenty-year-old shit when I was a damn club is not it. You dig deeper and see what we really have. You have until I come back in two days. Fuck your fears, Shay. I'm all in and I want this. And you know what Shay? So do you.”
Click.
“Hello.”
He fucking hung up.
He hung up.
According to Kylie, the guys were out of town on a mission. She didn't specify, and I assumed she did that on purpose because she usually told me everything.
Dr. Kron called me into his office on Thursday, after I was out for the past two days.
“How are you doing?” He asked. “Feeling better?”
“Yes, a little.” I lied as the bags under my eyes gave me away and the yawn I bellowed out walking through the door.
He nodded his head full of gray hair and said, “That's good to know.”
“What do you want to do here, Shay?”
My eyebrows rose as I thought about where this conversation could go. Did he want to fire me? Transfer me?
Dr. Kron raised his hand to calm what had to be the look of fear on my face. First, a breakup and now I was about to lose my job.
“No, no. We’re a small town, so we don't have a lot of nurses traveling through here. So I know you're probably bored out of your mind some days. Everybody seems to like you and think you’re funny, but I'm just wondering what do you see yourself doing in the future? Where do you want to go?” He clarified.
I was just talking about this with Dessy when she found out from Shay that Peppers could use a bartender and she was hired, because she actually had experience. We started talking about the notion of being a nurse and how I liked to do that but also giving back in a way through the different charities, etc. I couldn't narrow it down, which made me feel pretty stupid at thirty-three years of age. I should know where I wanted my life to go. Shit, I didn't even know where to begin.
“I really don't know.” I sighed. “I mean, I should, but I don't know.”
He chuckled a bit, reminding me of one of my uncles. His entire body moved when he laughed or thought something was funny.
“That fine. You're still young and have your whole life ahead of you. It’s just a mat…”
I cut him off and asked, “I mean do you? Do we really have our whole lives? What if I felt like I've wasted four years of my life doing something that I later regretted? Then I get scared and go back to my default. Just going through the motions and not living like I should. What then?”
I swear, my period had to be close because I was an emotional wreck. Tears threatened my eyes as I thought about living my life like I had and not wanting to go back to the life of sex buddies and no real connections. It wasn't desperation, but it was a realization of what Bronx was saying. Digging deep to see, I had a partner. Not a fuck buddy, not someone who wanted something from me, but a man who fucking broke down doors and would risk himself for me. No questions asked.
Fuck.
“Well, if you're talking about your job,” Dr. Kron said, “you've been here for eight years.”
I waved my hand in the air, “No, no. Sorry, I was just thinking of something else.” I murmured.
“Right, well I have an answer anyway.” He smiled. “There is a traveling nurse that is coming through, and he comes highly recommended. But I think it might be a good idea to shadow him. See if it's something you like, then you'll know where to go from there. If not that, then I have a lawyer friend, who would love to get some help.”
“Are you trying to get rid of me?” I interrupted him again.
“No,” he laughed, his shoulders jumped up and down. “Just trying to do my part in getting you to your next level. This,” he waved his large hand around the room, “isn't it for you.”
Wow.
That was twice in the span of several weeks that someone else told me they wanted more for my life than I intended to go after.
Existing.
“I'd be happy to shadow him.” I found myself saying. “When is he coming?”
“Great!” Dr. Kron said. “I'll set it up. He'll be here tomorrow and will stay until next Wednesday.”
“Great, I'll be ready.”
This actually was good news because I needed a good swift kick in the ass to get me in gear. There was shit to do, and I need to not just remain content with life as-is. Bronx had lit a fire in me, and I wanted to not have any more regrets. Then out of the blue, the opportunity knocks on my door.
Damn right, and I was taking it. The worse that could happen was I wouldn’t like the nursing field. Which I was okay with, but I would try being a law clerk.
It felt great to have options.
10
Helping Hands
Bronx:
“Brother, you alright?”
We were at a bar near Philly, waiting on one of the Presidents from a club to discuss the Guardian expansion outside the city of brotherly love and how each member could help with recruitment in other states. Contrary to popular belief about the city, there were some hard-core brothers that were really on point in the region. Razor was the District President, so we needed to go through the cities and meet with the prospects and local Presidents, especially the ones about to retire. If we expanded, then more Presidents and District Presidents were needed.
“No,” I said simply. “I ain't alright. This fucking woman.”
I blew out a frustrated breath.
“Ha!” Razor exclaimed as we waited in the car while Apollo was on his bike behind us. “Here's that rough patch we all go through. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. I know that look from any-fuckin-where.”
My head turned to face him as my arm rested on the car handle. “Say your peace.”
“Not my peace, but it could be yours.” Razor chuckled. “Brother, all I’m saying and I have no idea what happened but you got to make a decision. Fight for her your way or fight on her terms. Shay has a lot of them, so you could be outnumbered or bring her to your turf, and you may have a chance. You're going to have to disarm her. She's locked and loaded. This, I know. Probably wants time to figure it all out. Set a fucking limit to that time.”
“She has till we get back.” I interrupted.
“Good. Got to get her ass in gear and back on your turf because the bottom line is you're fucked, and she has your balls.” Razor burst out laughing with his gravelly voice.
I was about to tell him to fuck his self, but then I realized, he was right.
“You would know, huh?” I retorted, instead.
“Abso-fuckin-lutely.” He continued to laugh.
Closing towards the end of our two-day trip around Pennsylvania, we had every President on board with the expansion. We had one more meeting before we headed home and I’d never want to be home so bad in my life.
A few of the brothers planned to meet us there but stayed behind us in case of trouble. Razor and I wanted to put the shit that happened with me and the Vipers behind us, so we planned the visit our charter in the area and see the President of the other club.
When we arrived, Swag, the Norristown President was in the middle of his dinner.
“The fuck you doing here, eating alone.” Razor walked in and embraced the husky man. It looked like he wrestled for a living, as he only had his cut on with a toned bare chest and muscles popping out of each arm.
“Don’t have an old lady like you,” he laughed, slid off the stool to embraced Razor. “Need to be like my man Bronx, live free or die trying.”
Razor laughed so hard that he started coughing. “Fuck, man. Not no more.”
“What the fuck,” Swag laughed. “Say it ain’t the fuck so.”
He looked at me, and all I could do was shake my head.
“It’s so, Swag. Fuck if I know what happened.” I had to laugh my damn self.
“I need to go over there and check out the ladies in Manor. Last time I was there, it was a sweet one, but she was hawking your Sergeant of Arms. Her friend was cute too, but I’d have to tan her ass with that mouth.”
Razor started laughing again.
“Yeah, her friend. She’s mine.” I nodded. “The other one, she left town.”
“Oh fuck. You got to be shitting me. You tied a lasso around that beauty?” Swag shook his head. “Well, fuck me. I need a sweet one. Shame about the brunette.”
“Yeah,” I agreed.
“So, come on, eat with me. There’s plenty.” He sat back on the stool.
“We’re not staying, we know you’re on board with what we’re trying to do, but wanted to swing by before we saw the Viper’s lair.”
“Ah, yeah.” He nodded as we both took a stool and sat in a circle.
Apollo was outside on guard, while the other were patrolling further out. We wanted to be prepared for any and all surprises.
“Heard there was a misunderstanding in Manor but I didn’t connect the dots that it was with y’all.” He shook his head. “Those shit heads over there got no gall. The Pres is one weak mother fucker. A few of his members, especially Haz, are reckless tools. He would set up his own momma if he thought it would benefit him. Word is, he set up a prospect, that he brought in to take the fall for some missing guns. Then turned on his ass and was hunting him.”
