“I know it’s hard waiting for him,” my mom said as she saw my eyes drifting to the time again.
“I just don’t understand why he didn’t want me with him.”
“He does need you, but right now he’s trying to process everything. Just be there for him when he’s ready.”
I nodded, knowing what she was saying was logical, but it did nothing to ease the pit in my stomach. Jesse and I had been inseparable since I got back to Carver. To know my best friend was out there without me didn’t seem right.
I turned my attention back to the TV, trying to focus on that instead of the fact that Jesse hadn’t come back yet.
I was relieved when I heard a knock on the door. Even though Jesse was like part of the family, he always knocked, so as I headed towards the door, I prayed it was him. I opened the door and smiled when I saw Jesse. He looked better than when he’d left the funeral home. He even smiled a little when our eyes met.
“I told you I’d come back,” he said, brushing past me and walking into the living room, where my mom still sat.
I joined him and we sat around in silence until my mom got up.
“I need to get some things at the grocery store for dinner. Do you need anything, Jesse?” she asked. I knew she didn’t really need to go the store at that exact moment, but she wanted to give us some time alone to talk.
“No. Thanks though, Mrs. Regas.”
“Are you sure? I want you to be comfortable while you’re here.”
“I’m good,” he said, smiling up at my mom and she just nodded. She patted Jesse on the back before she walked into the kitchen, grabbed her keys and left. We sat on opposite ends of the couch, not saying anything for a while. Normally, we would never allow this much distance to separate us and I didn’t like being so far away from him. I inched towards him carefully until I was sitting on the cushion next to him.
“How was your walk?” I asked nervously.
“It was good.”
It grew quiet again and I couldn’t take it anymore. I knew my mom told me to just let Jesse do what he needed to do and be there for him when he was ready, but I couldn’t just sit back and watch him go through this alone. We were always there for each other and this was the biggest trial we’d ever faced.
I’d never been nervous to hold his hand before, but the way he sat…so guarded, made me nervous this time. I took it though and clasped both of my hands over his. He turned his head and his steely gray eyes met mine. We were frozen for a moment, and as I looked back into his eyes, I tried telling him without words how much I loved him. He blinked his eyes for a moment, keeping them closed longer than normal, and then he slowly opened them. The way he looked at me made my heart hurt.
“You know I’m here for you. Whatever you need, I’m here. You know that, don’t you?” I said softly and he closed his eyes again before looking at me once more, exhaling slowly.
“I know, Riley,” he said gently.
“I feel like you don’t know that. You’re not alone,” I whispered as I reached for him, brushing my lips against his for a moment, before pulling back and resting my forehead against his so we were only inches apart. “I can’t begin to understand what you’re going through right now, but I want to understand as much as I can and I want you to talk to me. I want you to rely on me for whatever you need.”
“Just being here is all I need from you,” his deep voice said softly and he reached up, cupping the back of my head with his hands and stroking my cheek with his thumb. “I’m sorry I haven’t been talking to you. I’m sorry if I’ve been distant, but I’m so screwed up right now, I don’t know which way was is up. I’m just trying to figure it all out and I don’t know how I’m gonna do it, but believe me when I say I need you because I need you more now than I ever have. Just bear with me, okay?”
I felt a tear streak down my face and he wiped it away. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his neck. It felt good for him to hold me and I only hoped my embrace brought him as much comfort as his gave me. When we let go, I moved to the far end of the couch and Jesse stretched out so his long frame took up the whole couch as he rested his head in my lap. I began gently stroking his hair with my fingers and he seemed to relax.
“Is it okay that I’m pissed off my uncle survived and my dad didn’t?” His question took me by surprise and I felt my fingers stop and rest in his hair as I thought about how to answer it.
“I think it is,” I replied softly, my fingers stroking his hair again and then it grew quiet for a while until I mustered the courage to ask him some questions. “Did your uncle tell you what happened?”
I could feel Jesse swallow hard before answering.
“It was a deer. There was nothing he could do. Glenn tried swerving to avoid it and hit a telephone pole instead. My dad wasn’t wearing his seatbelt.”
I could hear the bitterness in Jesse’s voice. I didn’t know if it was directed towards his uncle because he was driving or his father for not wearing his seatbelt.
“Glenn said he died instantly. I guess that’s supposed to give me some kind of comfort. It doesn’t. He’s still dead.”
I bent down and kissed his temple and then I felt his hand cup the back of my head. He turned his head so our lips met and he began kissing me hungrily. It was one of the most passionate kisses we’d ever shared as I hovered over him and he pulled at me urgently, his lips moving over mine as if he were trying to forget everything that was happening. He let go as suddenly as he had started and a moment later, I sat up, almost as if nothing had happened and resumed stroking his hair, while also trying to calm the feelings he had stirred up inside of me. It took a few minutes, but I finally calmed myself down.
“Are you gonna go see Glenn tomorrow?”
“I have to. I need to find out about my dad’s affairs. We never discussed anything. Life insurance, a will, nothing. I guess we should have, considering he’s all I have. Hopefully Glenn will have the answers.”
“Can I come with you?” I asked nervously and then his head lifted off my lap and he sat up, facing me.
“This is something I need to do on my own,” he said apologetically.
“I understand,” I said, when actually I didn’t. It hurt that he didn’t want me with him, but then he smiled. It was a warm, genuine Jesse smile I hadn’t seen since before his dad died.
“Thank you for being the amazing girlfriend that you are,” he said and I felt myself blush. He pushed a piece of hair behind my ear and kissed me tenderly before lying down again, resting his head on my lap and falling asleep.
Chapter Ten
Jesse stayed over at my house again, and as much as I would’ve liked to stay with him all night, I knew that was a one shot deal for my mom. The next morning, Jesse asked me to drive him back to his house before I had to go to work so he could get his Jeep and check on the dogs.
The ride to his place was a quiet one and we let the radio fill the silence. He held my hand the whole way and that made me feel good. If that’s all he needed from me, then that’s what I would give him.
I worried how Jesse would react going home for the first time since finding out his dad died. The night the police officers came, Jesse was in a state of shock, but now that he’d had some time to process it, I wondered how it would be for him, going back to an empty house, knowing his dad wasn’t there and would never be again.
Rocky and Jasper came bounding out when we pulled up and Jesse immediately stooped to his knees and allowed the dogs to jump and lick all over him. He looked happy for a split second and then he stood up, gesturing for the dogs to follow him inside. When we walked in, I couldn’t help but notice the lonely silence that seemed to have come over the house. Jesse walked down the hall and I saw him disappear into his father’s room. I stopped in the doorway and watched as he stared into the closet.
“Mr. Ledding said my dad needs something to wear,” Jesse said matter-of-factly as he began rifling through the hanging clothes. “Aren’t people bur
ied in suits?” He turned to me and I took that as my cue that it was okay to enter and help him.
“I think so,” I answered.
“My dad doesn’t own a suit. I’ve never seen him wear one.”
“Then I don’t think he should be buried in one.”
“Is that okay?”
“Why not? I wouldn’t want to be buried in something that I never wore when I was alive.”
“What should he wear then?”
“I’d say a nice shirt and pants,” and then I smiled over to Jesse. “And his favorite boots.”
Jesse nodded and looked through the closet.
“How’s this?”
He was holding up a pair of slacks and a nice button down shirt.
“I think it’s perfect.”
He didn’t say anything as he draped the clothes over his arm and picked up a pair of boots out of the closet. I followed him into his room where he began changing his clothes. I’d only packed one set of clean clothes for him, so even though he’d showered at my house, he’d put on the clothes from the day before. When I walked in, his shirt was already off and he was rummaging through his drawers in just his jeans. I immediately focused on the way they hung low on his hips, the top of his boxers peeking out. I couldn’t help myself as I walked across the room and wrapped my arms around his bare waist. I felt him tense as I began planting gentle kisses on his back. I didn’t know what to expect, but I waited for some kind of reaction. I was afraid it wasn’t going to come when he suddenly whipped around so he was facing me. He buried his hands in my hair, pulling me to him and he began kissing me hard as he walked me over to his bed. Not a word was spoken as our hands and mouths moved over each other’s bodies. It was unlike any other time we’d been together. It was a release and an escape for Jesse and for me too, in a way. He moved methodically, not thoughtfully as he normally did and he never opened his eyes, but I couldn’t keep mine off of him. The pain radiated from his face and I pulled him closer, urging him to just let go and forget for a little while. I wanted him to lose himself in me and he did. When it was over, he clung to me, his breathing battering my skin as he collapsed on top of me. He laid there for a while, still silent until I heard his deep voice in my ear.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“I started it and I shouldn’t have,” I said back to him and he propped himself up, staring down, showing me his gray eyes for the first time since he’d laid me on the bed.
“I needed that. I needed you.”
I smiled up at him, so happy to hear those words from him.
Chapter Eleven
Luckily I’d been able to put myself together enough to look presentable for work, although I had a hard time forgetting the morning with Jesse. I’d left straight from his house and he said he’d be leaving shortly too to drop the clothes off with Mr. Ledding and then go visit his uncle. Aside from his walk home from the funeral home, it was really the first time we’d been apart since Jesse found out about his dad. It felt strange going about my daily life as if nothing had changed, when things had changed very much. Part of me wanted to call Jill and explain what had happened and tell her I would need some time off, but then I thought better of that idea. I’d just gotten the job. She’d probably fire me if I asked for an extended period of time off so soon, plus it wouldn’t do me any good to sit around while Jesse went around trying to get things taken care of. He’d made it clear he wanted to do a lot of it without my company and work would be a good distraction.
Jill and Matt were both at the shop when I arrived. I double checked my watch to make sure I wasn’t late. I wasn’t and they both looked up when I walked in. Jill was busy arranging some flowers and Matt was at the computer.
“Good morning,” I said, walking into the backroom and hanging my purse up before joining them.
“You look tired,” Jill pointed out as she clipped the bottom of a tulip off before placing it into the crystal vase sitting in front of her.
“I’m okay,” I replied, but she looked at me doubtfully.
“Are you sure? Those bags under your eyes are as about as purple as plum pudding.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle inside at Jill’s simile and then walked over to the mirror in the bathroom. She was right, there were deep purple circles under my eyes.
“It’s just been a tough couple of days,” I said, hoping they wouldn’t press the matter any further.
“Too much partying over the weekend?” Matt laughed and I shook my head, wishing that was the cause of the bags.
“Actually,” I began hesitantly, not sure how I should address the situation. “My boyfriend’s father was killed in a car accident on Saturday night. I’ve been spending a lot of time with him.”
The room grew dead quiet and Jill and Matt both stopped what they were doing.
“I’m sorry, Riley,” Matt said quickly. “I wouldn’t have made that joke had I known.”
“I know. No worries, Matt,” I said, smiling over to him, knowing he hadn’t meant any harm by his comment.
“Riley, honey, that’s terrible,” Jill said as she resumed her flower arranging. “Was he from around here?”
“Yes. Darryl Baylor was Jesse’s dad’s name,” I said and then I saw Jill shake her head. “Did you know him?”
“I know the name, but I didn’t know him,” she said and then looked over at me. “I just received some orders from Ledding’s Funeral Home for the service on Saturday.”
I don’t know why, but that bit of information caused my back to stiffen and I just nodded.
“That’s gonna be kinda weird,” I finally admitted.
“Matt and I will take care of all of those arrangements. You don’t worry about a thing, okay?”
“Thanks, Jill,” I said appreciatively.
“Do you need some time off to help with things?” she asked and I shook my head.
“No, well…just Saturday, for sure.”
“Of course. And if you need anything else, you just let me know, okay?”
“I will. Thank you.”
I was glad when we stopped talking about it and got back to work. I straightened things up around the shop and then helped finish up a large order of centerpieces for an anniversary party. When we finished, Matt and I loaded them into the van and Jill asked us both to go on the delivery since the order was so big.
I sat in the passenger seat as Matt drove the van up Route 160 towards Dempsey, a small town north of Carver. I’d never been there, but Matt said it would take about a half an hour. He put a CD into the stereo and I was surprised when I heard Imagine Dragons coming through the speakers.
“No country?” I asked, raising my eyebrow.
“Never been much of a fan,” Matt said, his eyes focused on the road.
“How is that possible? You grew up in Carver,” I laughed.
“I’ve never been one for listening to someone sing about their dead dog and how their woman left them.” I couldn’t help but laugh at Matt’s analysis. “Are you a fan?”
“It’s growing on me. I never listened to it back in Boston, but my boyfriend likes it, so I’m getting used to it.”
“Hey,” he said, turning his head from the road for a moment to look at me. “I’m really sorry about Jesse’s dad. Jesse always seemed like a nice kid.”
“Wait,” I said curiously. “You know Jesse?”
“A little. He was two years younger than me, but we went to school together. I always liked him.”
“He’s a great guy,” I said softly. “Which is why this whole thing sucks even more. I mean, he’s pretty much on his own now and I just don’t see how he’s gonna be able to do it or how I can even help him. He’s been so different since he found out. I mean, I expect him to be different, but it’s hard,” I said, surprised at how much I was opening up to Matt. As we’d worked together though, I’d found him easy to talk to and as I spoke, I realized it felt good talking about it to an impartial person. Matt had no investment in the
situation at all, so he could just listen.
“This kind of stuff…there’s no one way to deal with it. Every situation is different and everyone reacts differently, but all you can do is be there to listen or be yelled at or just be a sounding board or be pushed away.” Something about his voice told me he was speaking from experience.
“Sounds like you understand what I’m going through.”
I looked over at him and saw his eyes focused on the road, but then he nodded.
“It’s not exactly the same as what you’re dealing with,” he began. “About a year and a half ago, my girlfriend, Taryn’s mom, was diagnosed with breast cancer. We’d only been together about six months when she found out and it was tough. It was really tough,” he repeated softly to himself as if he was remembering.
“What happened?” I asked, hoping I wasn’t pushing too much.
“She was just a mix of emotions. All these highs and lows and she’d change in the blink of an eye. It was really hard because I didn’t know what she needed from me, but it never felt like I was doing the right thing mainly because I didn’t know what she wanted from me. One minute she was hot and the next she was cold.”
I turned my head so I stared out the window, watching the plains zip by us, and I closed my eyes for a moment, realizing Matt knew exactly how I was feeling.
“So, how’d it all turn out? How’d you figure it out?” I finally asked a few moments later.
“I don’t think I ever did figure it out. I just became whatever she needed from me. I was like a chameleon, changing to fit whatever she needed. I’m not saying that’s the right way to do things, but when you love someone, you’re willing to do whatever it takes.”
I smiled and for the first time I felt hopeful since we’d found out about Jesse’s dad.
Far From Home Page 8
