‘Maybe you’d like to show me what you have in mind.’ He grinned, stroking her blonde hair away from her face. ‘You up for that?’ Because he certainly was. Literally.
‘Oh, absolutely,’ she whispered, her mouth almost touching his. ‘I’m up for anything.’
And all that was left for Ryan to do was close his eyes and let her take him some place where his problems didn’t exist.
‘You look worried,’ Amber said, sitting down opposite Jim at the kitchen table. She’d only been home half an hour after an early, and thankfully quick, flight back up north from London. ‘Has something happened I don’t know about?’
Jim looked up sharply. Did she know already? How could she? As far as he was aware there’d been nothing leaked publicly yet about his son’s debut for Wearside Spartans that afternoon. But he knew he couldn’t keep it a secret any longer. Time was up. He’d been embarrassingly naive over all of this, burying his head in the sand over something that was never going to go away or disappear, so he deserved everything that Amber could quite possibly throw at him. And he felt sick at the thought.
‘Amber, I… I really need to talk to you.’
She took a sip of her tea, looking at him over the rim of her favourite pink mug. For a girl who’d grown up very much a tomboy she really did have the most contradictory taste as far as some things were concerned. ‘Oh yeah? What about?’
He swallowed hard, turning away for a second. He couldn’t do this right now. He just couldn’t. He needed a little more time, just a half hour more. He needed time to get his head together. ‘I missed you last night.’ His eyes met hers again and she smiled at him.
‘Are you all right? Only, you seem a bit weird. A bit distracted.’
‘Did you miss me?’
‘Of course I missed you. But I only saw you on Friday. Jim, what’s going on?’
‘Come here,’ he whispered.
She frowned, putting her mug down and walking over to him. He held out his hand, pulling her down so she was sitting astride him.
‘You know how much I love you, don’t you?’
‘Of course I do. Jim…’
He stopped her from talking by kissing her slowly, his hands resting in the small of her back, his fingers snaking up under her shirt, touching naked skin. She flinched slightly, but she didn’t pull away. All it took was one kiss and she was under his spell once more, but she wasn’t complaining. She loved this – kissing him, feeling his fingers on her skin as those wonderfully familiar tiny tingles shot through her. And who was she kidding anyway? She’d dreamt about this happening from the second she’d woken up that morning; dreamt about him welcoming her home with his deep and dirty kisses, and a whole lot more. They had time, before they headed out to watch Wearside Spartans’ first game of the season. They had plenty of time.
‘I love you, too.’ She smiled at him, her thumb gently stroking his cheek. ‘So, have you got me over here for anything in particular, or was that it? Just a kiss?’
‘What do you think?’
‘I think you’re not the kind of man to do anything half-heartedly. So I probably need to get naked, am I right?’ She hoped she was right.
He felt his heart start to race faster, and he tried to push the feelings of guilt to the back of his mind so that he could enjoy this delaying tactic – because that’s all it was. A delaying tactic. Once they’d made love he still had to tell her. Did he think that by having sex first she’d be less likely to be shocked or angry? Less likely to hate him for lying to her again? He didn’t really know what to think, he just knew that he wanted to be with her for one more uncomplicated fuck before the shit hit the fan.
‘You are so right.’ He smiled at her. ‘But let me do it, okay? Let me help you get naked.’
She felt her stomach dip and her skin break out in those all-familiar goose bumps as she climbed off him, backing up against the breakfast bar as he stood up and moved closer, running his fingers gently along her collarbone, round to the back of her neck, pulling her forward for another, harder kiss. He began slowly unbuttoning her shirt, his mouth still on hers as he pushed it back off her shoulders, his lips moving down to lightly kiss the base of her throat, and she kept her eyes closed, enjoying every single touch, every second of him being this close. She was still making up for all those lost years, and she wasn’t done catching up yet. She wasn’t sure she ever would be.
Biting down on her lip to stifle a groan, she felt him unhook her bra and toss it aside, his mouth moving ever lower. It was now touching her breasts, covering them in kisses until she thought she was going to explode, but he wasn’t even close to being done yet. As he moved even lower, she buried her fingers in his hair as he crouched down, sliding her jeans down over her long legs. She stepped out of them, kicking them aside, throwing her head back and letting that groan finally escape as he hooked his fingers into her panties, pulling them down so slowly she thought she was going to orgasm right there and then.
She was so ready now. Ready to take him, hard and fast, the only way she wanted him this morning. Even the shortest of time away from him made her want him like crazy, so much so that sometimes she felt like a teenager who’d just discovered sex for the very first time and now couldn’t get enough of it. Jim Allen had turned her from a woman who’d once been quite indifferent to sex into someone who was now bordering on obsessed. And she was going to enjoy it while it lasted because she wasn’t naive enough to think these feelings would last forever. Things would settle, they’d calm down. But she wasn’t ready to let that happen just yet.
In one swift movement he’d lifted her up onto the breakfast bar, quickly freeing himself before spreading her legs wide, pushing inside her as though he hadn’t been there in ages. She could almost feel the desperation flooding out of him and into her as he thrust hard, rocking her whole body. And with every thrust she remembered how it had all started, this almost lifelong need she had for Jim Allen. How from the second he’d first touched her she’d known he was the only man she’d ever want, and even when he’d hurt her, when he’d taken everything from her and thrown it all back in her face, still she couldn’t let him go. So now she finally had him, now he was finally hers, she was going to enjoy him. Now she could remember those early days, the way he’d used to make love to her, the way he’d touched her, kissed her, she could remember those days now without it tearing her apart inside.
It was over in minutes, the inevitable full-on finale complete with cries of pain and pleasure and the requisite white-hot climax that brought with it an endgame that Amber couldn’t live without, not now. If this was all suddenly to go away she really didn’t think she’d be able to cope. So she let the sensations take over, let the feeling of him still inside her last for as long as it possibly could, and he didn’t seem in any hurry to withdraw, resting his forehead against hers as they waited for their breathing to slow down.
‘I love you so much, Amber,’ he whispered, the palm of his hand resting gently against her cheek.
‘I know you do.’ She smiled, running her fingertips lightly over his slightly open mouth. ‘I know you do.’
He pulled away from her, and she felt a ridiculous wave of emptiness wash over her as he finally left her body. Slipping down from the breakfast bar, she quickly retrieved her clothes, pulling them on as she watched his whole demeanour change, just like that. Something was wrong, and although she didn’t want it to happen, she couldn’t stop a feeling of uneasiness taking over from that emptiness.
‘Jim?’
He had his back to her, his head down, and this did nothing to ease the growing nerves inside her.
‘Jim, will you look at me, please?’
He slowly turned around, raising his head so his eyes met hers. ‘There’s something I need to tell you, Amber. And I need to tell you now before it becomes public knowledge… because that’s exactly what it’ll be. Soon.’
She felt her stomach turn, sinking like a lead weight as the uneasiness doubled, making he
r feel slightly nauseous. She’d been here before with him, she recognised the signs. He was about to tell her something that she knew was going to break her heart, she could feel it, she could sense it coming. She’d really thought all that was over now. She’d thought he’d changed. She’d hoped he’d changed. ‘Just say it.’ She folded her arms, leaning back against the breakfast bar, willing herself not to freak out. Whatever it was he was going to tell her, she’d stay calm. She’d try, anyway.
‘I have a son.’
She’d heard him say the words, but she wasn’t entirely sure she’d taken in exactly what he’d just told her. ‘I’m… sorry? You… you have a… a son?’ Saying the words out loud didn’t make it any easier to take in. And another feeling washed over her now – one of disgust, almost. Why had he made love to her right before telling her this? Why had he done that? Why?
‘Amber, please, believe me, honey, I never meant for it to get this far. I never meant for it to be this big secret, I… I should have told you from the start but I didn’t want to lose you, and I… I thought that if I…’
‘If you’d what, Jim? If you’d told me the truth? Huh? Is that what you were going to say? But, hey, hang on, that’s something you find so fucking hard to do, isn’t it?’
‘Baby, please… Listen to me.’ He walked over to her, and as much as she wanted to get away from him, she had nowhere to go. She’d backed herself right up against the breakfast bar, so her only option was to stay rooted to the spot. But after wanting nothing more than to be touched by him in the most intimate way possible just seconds ago, now she didn’t know if she could stand to be touched by him at all. ‘I know I’ve been stupid…’
‘Stupid?’ She couldn’t help laughing. This whole situation was just too surreal for words. ‘Jesus, Jim…’ She pushed a hand through her hair, turning away from him. ‘Is it too much to ask that you could be honest with me? Just for once? For me? After everything you’ve done, I really thought you’d changed.’
‘Baby, I have. I promise you, I have changed, and keeping this from you, it was… it was stupid and naive and I know I’ve acted like an idiot, because all of this… none of it has been fair on him, either…’
She looked at him, her eyes meeting his. Did he look sorry? Did he regret doing this to her yet again? ‘This isn’t just some silly little secret, Jim. This is… this is pretty big, as far as secrets go. And you… you just coming out with it like this, at this time, when…’ She stopped talking, the nauseous feeling in the pit of her stomach now rising as the reality of what he’d just told her started to sink in. ‘How old is he?’ she asked, her voice almost a whisper. There was her, just a day away from finding out whether she herself could have kids or not, and now her husband had just sprung it on her that he was already a dad. The irony was almost too heart-wrenching to bear. All she’d wanted was to have this man’s baby, and now she’d just been told that someone else had got there first. That role had already been taken. And it hurt.
Jim looked down at the ground, his stomach turning over and over, every nerve ending in his body on red alert. ‘He’s twenty.’
Amber couldn’t stop the gasp from escaping. ‘Twenty? Jesus, Jim, you’ve kept him a secret for twenty years?’ She couldn’t believe what she was hearing now. And then it suddenly dawned on her – if he’d fathered a son twenty years ago, then it meant that this was a secret he’d been keeping from her for decades. When they’d been together all those years ago, he’d known then, but he’d chosen not to tell her. He’d lied so many times about so many things and she’d forgiven him, but this was another matter. This was messing with her head big time.
‘It happened after me and you… after we split up, the first time,’ Jim began, his heart almost breaking as he watched the expression on her face change instantly. ‘I… I went back to the States during the summer break, and I… I met someone. She was a lawyer, just out of a messy relationship, and I guess we were both looking for some kind of escape…’
‘You had a girlfriend back home in the U.K., Jim,’ Amber said quietly, her brain still trying to piece together all the bits of information she was being told. ‘I mean, that’s why you left me in the first place, wasn’t it? Because you’d found somebody else?’
‘And you know as well as I do that that relationship didn’t mean all that much.’
She looked up sharply, her eyes meeting his. ‘Oh, well, that’s all right then, isn’t it?’
‘Amber…’
‘No, Jim. Do you understand how hard this all is for me? Have you got any idea how difficult this is to take in? I’ve been home less than an hour, and so far, to say you’ve messed with my emotions would be a bloody understatement! First you make love to me, then you tell me you’ve got a twenty-year-old son! What the hell made you think that sequence of events would work? Why would you do that? Huh? Why now, Jim? Why tell me this now?’
‘Because in a couple of hours’ time, the secret’s going to be out, that’s why.’
Amber frowned, confusion well and truly setting in now. ‘What the fuck is going on here?’
‘Brandon Palmer, Wearside Spartans’ new signing…’ Jim looked down at the ground, pushing a hand through his hair. ‘He’s my son.’
Amber couldn’t take her eyes off him. His words had rendered her unable to move, her stomach now knotted so tight she felt sick. Really sick. ‘Brandon… Brandon Palmer? Oh Jesus, this is crazy… this is fucking crazy…’
He tried to take her hand but she pulled it away, finally pushing past him and walking out of the room, running upstairs.
‘Amber, baby, please… Let me explain…’ Jim ran after her, taking the stairs two at a time to catch up with her, following her into their bedroom.
‘I don’t know if I want to hear it, Jim. I really need to get my head around this.’
‘Of course you do. Jesus, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid…’
She sat down on the edge of the bed, suddenly feeling as though every emotion had just been sucked out of her. She felt devoid of any feeling. And she really didn’t know what to do next. She just couldn’t think straight.
‘I should have told you, Amber.’
‘Yes. You should.’ She clasped her hands together in her lap, her head spinning from events that had happened so fast she felt dizzy, even though she was sitting down.
‘Me and his mom, it didn’t work out. It never even went beyond that one night, but…’
‘You were with her long enough to father a child.’
‘Amber…’
‘Which is something you might never get the chance to do with me.’
It was Jim’s turn to look confused. ‘What… what do you mean? Amber?’
‘I don’t know if I can have kids, Jim. That’s what I mean.’
Jim was still confused, his heart beating like a drum as he watched her wring her hands, her eyes staring straight ahead. ‘Amber? Honey? I don’t understand…’
‘I guess you’re not the only one who’s been keeping secrets.’
This whole day was turning out to be one big mind-fuck. For both of them. What the hell was she talking about?
He sat down next to her, trying once more to take her hand but she wasn’t giving in, even though, right now, she needed her husband more than she’d ever needed him before. But she needed the husband she’d had ten minutes ago, not the one sitting beside her now.
‘Ever since I was young – very young – I’ve known that there’s a chance I might not be able to conceive a child of my own,’ Amber began, surprised to find that no tears were ready to fall, even though she felt like crying. She really, really felt like crying. ‘A ruptured appendix and a nice dose of peritonitis saw to that. But I clung to hope, you know? Tried to look on the positive side of things because I hate being a pessimist. It’s such hard work.’
Jim couldn’t help a small smile appearing as traces of the Amber he knew and loved tried to show themselves. But, at the same time, what she was tell
ing him was quite hard to take in.
‘But there comes a time when you’ve just got to face up to the truth.’ She looked straight at him, her eyes boring into his. ‘Even if it isn’t something you want to face up to at all.’
‘Amber, baby…’
She turned away from him again, her hands still clasped in her lap, although she’d stopped wringing them now and had started fiddling with her wedding ring instead. ‘When you walked back into my life I fell in love so hard, Jim. If I’d ever fallen out of love with you in the first place, that is. Which I don’t think I ever did. And this might surprise you, but I’ve always wanted that happy family kind of thing – marriage, domesticity, husband… two-point-four kids. I’ve always wanted that. It just had to be with the right man, that’s all.’ She looked at him, and this time he was sure he felt his heart breaking. There was so much sadness in her eyes and he’d added to that – again. ‘You were that right man, Jim. You always have been. I married my dream guy, don’t you see?’ She let out a slightly cynical laugh, once more diverting her eyes away from his.
‘Why didn’t you talk to me, Amber? When you said you wanted a baby I had no idea…’
‘For a few days I just wanted to believe that everything would be simple. That we’d go to bed, make love, and hey presto, I’d fall pregnant. You have no idea how many times I’ve dreamt about that scenario.’
‘Amber, honey, look at me. Please, baby, look at me.’
She slowly turned her head, tears now threatening big time, stinging her eyes. ‘But that scenario is probably never going to happen now.’
‘You don’t know that,’ Jim said quietly, trying to reach for her hand yet again, but still she resisted.
‘I’ve seen a doctor. He’s a specialist in this field and… Debbie got me an appointment.’
‘Debbie? Why… why didn’t you talk to me, Amber? Jesus, you told Debbie?’
‘She’s my friend, Jim. And I had to talk to someone.’
‘I’m your husband…’
Extra Time Page 12
