She looked at him again, finally pushing her untouched coffee away. She just didn’t feel like drinking it.
‘How about I take some time off…’
‘Jim, come on. How the hell are you going to be able to do that, huh? The new season’s only just started, you’re in the process of defending the league title, and you know as well as I do that you can’t just take time off whenever you feel like it. You don’t have that kind of job.’
‘I can if I need to, Amber. I’m not indispensable. Colin can take over for a couple of weeks if there’s something I need to deal with…’
‘Something you need to deal with? This isn’t some situation that can be sorted out with a week away in Magaluf.’ She sat back, sighing heavily as she stared up at the ceiling. ‘This is something I have to deal with, Jim.’ She looked at him, his expression one she really couldn’t read. ‘Me. I have to live with this, and I will. I’ll get used to it. It’s not like I’ve been told I’m dying or anything.’
‘You have to deal with it?’
‘Yes. Me. I’m the one…’
‘And you don’t think that news affected me, too, huh? You don’t think that maybe it’s killing me, too? This isn’t something you have to deal with, Amber. It’s something we have to deal with. Together.’
She held his gaze, her head beginning to thump with the stress of the day, and it was only lunchtime. ‘You already have a son, Jim. You know what it’s like to be a parent, and that’s something I’ll never get the chance to experience now. So… so yes, this is something I have to deal with. Because you have no idea how I’m feeling right now. No idea.’
‘Do you know how selfish that sounds?’
She said nothing for a second before letting out a small laugh. ‘Sorry, you’re going to sit there and lecture me about being selfish? You, the man who…’ She stood up, pushing her chair back away from the table and walking over to the French windows. ‘You kept Brandon a secret from me for all those years, Jim. When I… when I came home from university, all those years ago… when I let you back into my life, despite what you’d already done to me, you knew you were a father and yet you chose to keep that from me. You chose to shut me out, to lie to me – to everyone – so don’t sit there and tell me I’m being selfish.’
‘I did that for you, Amber. Everything, all of it, I did it for you.’
She swung round to face him as he walked over to her, but she put her hand out to stop him from coming any closer. ‘No you didn’t, Jim. You didn’t do it for me, not really. You did it because you knew that telling me the truth could mean you lost everything you wanted. And even after all those years apart you still couldn’t do it, could you? You still couldn’t bring yourself to tell me the truth, so instead you made sure I fell so deep in love with you that once I did eventually find out there was no way I could walk away from you, no matter how I was really feeling. That isn’t doing it for me.’
‘Amber…’
She took a deep breath, exhaling slowly as she threw her head back again in an attempt to keep the tears that had been threatening all morning from falling, because she didn’t want to cry. Crying wouldn’t do anyone any good.
‘I can’t do this right now, Jim.’
‘Amber, come on, honey, please…’
But she’d pushed past him before he had a chance to stop her, running out of the house and into her car. She had no idea where she was going, she just knew that she needed to get out for a while, she needed to get away from Jim. She needed time to think, to get her head straight. Time to think about what she was going to do now, because she really didn’t know. In just a matter of days her world had been turned upside down – again – and where she went from here was anybody’s guess.
Ryan pressed send and sat back in his seat, placing both hands behind his head as he exhaled deep and loud. Had he done the right thing? Without saying a word to Max? He didn’t know. He didn’t really know anything anymore, all he knew was that he had to do something. He’d wanted to wait, wanted to see if Jim Allen’s out-of-the-blue revelation that Brandon Palmer was his son was going to have some kind of effect on his and Amber’s marriage, but who was he kidding? He was living in some kind of fantasy world where he wished things would happen with no real concrete evidence that they would ever turn out in his favour.
No, he needed to move on and he needed to make sure things were put in place to make that happen, sooner rather than later. For the sake of his own future.
Slipping his phone back into his pocket, he smiled as Ellen returned to the bench he was sitting on, carrying two polystyrene cups of coffee she’d bought from a nearby snack van. They’d just spent a pleasant half an hour walking along the coast at Seaburn, enjoying the sunshine, and for a few blissful minutes he’d almost forgotten he had anything else going on in his life other than an incredible career and a beautiful woman by his side. A beautiful woman that he could quite possibly be lining up for heartache at some point soon, even though that was the last thing he wanted.
‘Here you go.’ She smiled, handing him a coffee as she sat down beside him. ‘Isn’t it lovely here? I used to come down to this beach all the time when I was younger.’
‘Did you grow up around here?’ Ryan asked, taking a sip of extremely strong and incredibly hot coffee. Just the way he liked it.
She nodded, putting her coffee down for a second while she pulled her blonde hair back into a ponytail. ‘I was born in Newcastle, but we moved to Sunderland when I was a baby. My dad’s originally from this side of the river – Durham born and bred. And he’s a staunch Wearside Spartans fan.’
‘Whoa, I bet he was over the moon when his daughter started working at Tynebridge, then. Or did he see it more as you infiltrating enemy lines?’
She laughed, picking her coffee back up and swirling it round in the cup before taking a sip. ‘Well, he wasn’t overcome with excitement, let’s put it that way, but the fact I can get him decent seats for the local derby always makes up for the fact his only child’s working for the opposition.’
Ryan watched as she smiled at a small boy who ran past their bench into the arms of his mother, screaming with excitement as she held out an ice cream for him. He’d had a great day with Ellen, he couldn’t deny that. A long and lazy lunch in a riverside restaurant in Durham followed by this slow walk along the Sunderland seafront – he’d felt the most relaxed he’d felt in a long time. So why had he still felt the need to send that email? Why couldn’t he just give what was happening here a chance? Give Ellen a chance, a real chance. Because he knew, deep down inside, that he couldn’t really give anyone or anything a chance until he got his own head sorted. Properly sorted. Until he could move on from the one thing that was stopping him from believing he could finally make that new start.
‘You look miles away.’
Ellen’s soft voice shook him back to reality and he quickly pulled himself together, smiling at her. ‘Sorry. I guess the fresh air is making me drift off.’
‘I haven’t worn you out too much, have I?’ she smirked, and he couldn’t help laughing.
‘Sweetheart, you couldn’t wear me out if you tried.’
‘Want to prove that?’
‘You setting me some kind of challenge?’ He grinned, enjoying the flirtatious sparring that had started up.
‘I thought Ryan Fisher liked challenges?’ Her eyes met his over the rim of her coffee cup.
‘Oh, he’s real big on challenges, beautiful. Real big.’
And none was bigger than the challenge he’d just set himself. But whether he got the chance to play it all out was something he had yet to find out.
‘I think you know my feelings on Jim Allen, Amber.’ Freddie Sullivan leaned back against the windowsill, folding his arms as Amber settled herself into the corner of her father’s new and extremely comfortable sofa. An ex-professional footballer, and now manager of a local First Division team, Freddie had once been best friends with Jim. But to say that his relationship with his forme
r friend and teammate had been severely strained after the revelations of Amber’s teenage affair with him was somewhat of an understatement. For Amber’s sake Freddie had tried to get on with Jim, tried to forgive him for what he’d done to her all those years ago. And he’d tried, really hard, to understand why she still loved him so much after everything that had happened, but he still found it difficult. Jim had joined Newcastle Red Star as a twenty-seven-year-old player just as Freddie was reaching the end of his playing career there, but Freddie had still taken him under his wing, brought him into his family. And to think that he’d abused that trust by turning Amber’s then-very-young head was something Freddie found very hard to deal with. ‘For all those years he hid that kid from everyone… doesn’t that tell you what kind of a man he is?’
Amber pushed a hand through her hair, curling her legs up underneath her as she sank further down into the sofa. Part of her just wanted to snuggle up and sleep, try to forget the day she’d just had, but life wasn’t that simple anymore. True, she’d run to daddy in the hope that he could give her some kind of comfort, but she’d only been kidding herself really. She should have known that coming here was only going to mean that she had to listen to her father reeling off a list of ‘I told you sos’ until she just switched off and tried to think about something else.
‘I’m over it, Dad. Really.’
Freddie looked at his daughter with a somewhat incredulous expression. ‘You’re over it? What? You mean, he suddenly unveils his secret son to the world, gets you to pretend you knew about him all along, and you sit there and tell me you’re over it?’
‘He didn’t get me to pretend anything, Dad. Okay? That was my idea. And I think it was the best idea in the long run. I can do without the added media storm it would cause if people got wind of the fact Jim had kept Brandon a secret from his wife.’
‘People should know what he’s really like,’ Freddie muttered. ‘All those years, we trusted him, me and your mam. We took him into our home, into our family…’
‘All right, Dad. Enough. I’ve heard it all before. I know how you feel, and I understand, I really do. It’s hard for others to see him the same way I do, I get that. But he never meant to hurt me, and I truly believe that. He just… he just doesn’t think, that’s all.’
‘That’s all?’ Freddie asked, arching a sceptical eyebrow. ‘You know, the man is truly brilliant at managing football teams, but when it comes to managing his own personal life he’s got no bloody idea.’
Amber rolled her eyes, letting out a heavy sigh. Her father’s opinion of her husband wasn’t going to change anytime soon, and the appearance of Brandon had only served to strengthen his resolve that Jim Allen wasn’t right for her. ‘Anyway, I’ve got more important things to worry about now.’
Freddie looked at his daughter, his arms still folded. ‘Like what?’
She proceeded to tell him about her visit to Dr. Lowry that morning, a visit borne out of some sudden and desperate need to have a child of her own, to be the kind of mum her own mother had been to her. And Freddie listened, his eyes never leaving hers as she spoke.
‘Oh, Amber, sweetheart. Why didn’t you talk to me? I had no idea…’
‘Well, to be fair, Dad, nobody had any idea, did they? I mean, how could they? I’ve never exactly shown myself to be the maternal type. Nobody ever really expected me to be mummy material. And even I was surprised at the strength of these ridiculously unexpected feelings that just swept over me all of a sudden. So I had to know, that’s all. And I think I always knew the truth, deep down. You and mum never sugar-coated anything, you never hid the facts from me, so it wasn’t like I had all that much hope of it turning out to be the miracle I would have liked it to be. I was realistic enough to know that the truth wasn’t going to be perfect. But hearing those words – hearing someone actually tell you that you’re probably never going to have a child of your own…’ She stopped talking, looking away for a second as a stray tear rolled slowly down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away before turning back to look at her father. ‘Anyway, now I know the facts I guess it’s time to move on. Draw a line under things I can’t achieve and concentrate on those things I can.’
‘There’s no shame in talking about how you’re really feeling, Amber. This isn’t something you can just get over in an hour and forget about.’
‘Yes, it is,’ she said, hauling herself up off the sofa. ‘It is. I’ve got a brand new career to concentrate on, and a marriage that needs a lot of work…’
‘Your marriage is in trouble?’
She looked up. ‘That isn’t what I said, Dad. So you can wipe that hopeful look off your face. I said it needs work. The revelation that my husband has a secret son coming out the day before I find out I can’t have his baby has thrown us a bit of a curveball, that’s all. We’ll get over it. I just need some time to think about things.’
‘And running away from Jim is the best way to go about that, is it?’
‘I haven’t run away. I’m not five. Am I not allowed to come and see my dad now?’
Freddie threw her a look that told her he wasn’t convinced, but he said nothing, just watched as she walked out of the living room and into the kitchen.
Amber was beginning to wonder whether it would have been a better idea to drive into the countryside, take a walk, stop for a pot of tea somewhere and just people-watch for a while rather than spend time with a man she loved more than anything, but he was her dad, so he was bound to crowd her, want to know what was wrong. But she was fast beginning to realise that she didn’t really want to talk about it. Any of it. She just wanted to escape from it all, just for a little while. She wanted to think about something else other than secret kids and babies she couldn’t have. Maybe going down to London early would be a good idea. There was nothing like throwing yourself into work to take your mind off things.
‘Hey, you.’
She swung round at the sound of Ronnie’s voice. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Yeah, I’m pleased to see you, too.’
‘Shut up and get over here. I really need a hug.’
He walked over to her, pulling her into his arms and holding her close, kissing the top of her head. ‘Your dad’s just told me, about what happened at the clinic this morning.’
She pulled away slightly, pushing both hands through her hair. ‘Well, it wasn’t a complete surprise really, was it?’
‘There’s the sound of those barriers coming right back up again.’
‘Come on, Ronnie, what else am I supposed to do? I’m trying to pretend it’s all okay, that I’m dealing with the fact Jim’s son is Brandon Palmer, that I can live with never having a baby of my own. I’m trying really hard to pretend it’s all okay but I’m struggling here. I’m really, really struggling.’ She couldn’t fight the tears any longer and all Ronnie could do was pull her back into his arms as she cried them all out.
‘Hey, come on. Come on, kiddo. Nobody expects you to be strong all the time you know. Especially with what you’ve had to deal with over the past couple of days.’
She pulled away from him again, wiping her eyes and blowing her nose. ‘But I want to be strong, Ronnie. Don’t you see? I hate feeling like this, I hate feeling weak and vulnerable and tired. I hate it. I don’t want to be upset or angry or… it’s such a fucking waste of time!’
‘Okay then. Just push it all to one side and let it build up to the point where it starts to eat you up inside. That’ll work.’
She looked at him. ‘I hate you when you start spouting sense.’
He leaned back against the counter, folding his arms as he watched her. ‘So, you and Jim. What’s going on there, then?’
‘Nothing’s going on.’
‘So why are you here and not with him? I mean, surely he’s feeling a little shell-shocked by today’s events, too.’
Amber said nothing, she just let a small and brief pang of guilt wash over her before she met Ronnie’s gaze again. ‘He says he is.’
<
br /> ‘And you don’t believe him?’
Amber stood next to Ronnie, her hands gripping the countertop behind her. ‘I don’t know what to think if I’m honest. He said I was selfish for saying that this was something I had to deal with, rather than something we had to go through together…’
‘And he’s probably right.’
She looked at him. ‘Whose side are you on?’
‘I’m not on anyone’s side, Amber. I’m just trying to play devil’s advocate, that’s all.’
She stared straight ahead of her, watching as a large blackbird landed in the centre of her dad’s patio and began pecking at a pot full of lavender. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have run out on him like I did. But I just needed some space, some time away.’
‘From Jim?’
She looked back at Ronnie. ‘From everything. I’m thinking of going down to London early. It might be for the best. It’ll give both me and Jim a bit of time to get our heads straight.’
‘You really don’t think you should be together at a time like this?’
‘I’ve only been told I can’t have kids, Ronnie. I haven’t been told I’m ill.’
‘And those barriers come crashing up once more.’
She said nothing to that as she turned away from him, her attention back on the blackbird who was now hopping between the potted plants and shrubs like they were some kind of avian obstacle course. ‘Nobody’s marriage is perfect, Ronnie. You should know that better than anyone.’
‘Whoa, that was a low blow there, missy.’
She threw her head back and sighed heavily. ‘Ronnie, I’m sorry.’ She looked at him. ‘I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean that, I shouldn’t have said that.’
‘I know… Look, of course no marriage is perfect, Amber. But you and Jim, you’ve only been married five minutes.’
‘Yeah. And maybe we shouldn’t have got married at all.’ The words were out before she’d had time to realise she was saying them. She’d been thinking out loud, she hadn’t meant for anyone to hear that.
Extra Time Page 17
