Amber quickly dragged herself out of the almost zoned-out state she’d drifted into, pushing his hand away and stepping back slightly.
‘Knowing you’ve slept with Ryan, that’s something I can’t ignore, honey.’
She looked at him, narrowing her eyes, trying to make sense in her mixed-up mind of just what it was he was saying. ‘Ryan? I…’
‘Last night, Amber. You were with him last night.’
She felt her stomach pull tighter, that mess of knots pulled so taut now she felt nauseated.
‘I asked Brandon to keep an eye on you, at the party.’
All of a sudden she found that voice she’d thought she’d temporarily lost, her eyes fixed on his. ‘You got your son to spy on me?’
‘That isn’t what I said, Amber. I asked him to keep an eye on you…’
‘And that’s different, is it?’
He said nothing, just continued to stare her down.
‘I don’t believe you…’ She finally broke that stare, turning away from him, her head spinning at the rapid change of events these past few months seemed to be throwing at her.
‘He saw you with him, Amber. Last night, he saw you with Ryan…’
‘I don’t even want to get into this,’ she said, pushing past him, but he grabbed her wrist, swinging her back round to face him.
‘Okay, so he only saw you talking to him, but given your history, Amber, you can’t blame me for reading something into what would, under normal circumstances, be a pretty ordinary situation. But I can’t believe that’s all it was with you two. I can’t. Knowing what I know, and… I know I’m right. I trust my instincts. Given the history between you and Ryan Fisher, and the fact that all this shit is happening today… I’ve had to give up my star striker because he can’t cope being around you, Amber. He can’t do that, because he’s still in love with you. Have you any idea how hard that is for me to deal with? And I can usually deal with anything, but this…’
‘It was a mistake,’ she whispered, pulling her wrist free as she tried to ignore the ache in her chest, the pain of realisation – that her marriage to the one man she loved more than anything, a man who’d been such a huge part of her life for such a long time, it could be over. And, despite the separation and the living apart, despite all of that, she’d never really thought it would come to this. She’d always thought – naively so, it would seem – that they’d eventually sort things out. It might have taken time, but she’d honestly believed they’d get there. One day. ‘Last night, it was a mistake.’
He hung his head, running a hand through his hair. ‘So you did sleep with him, then?’
‘I never meant it to happen, Jim.’ There were no excuses she could make, nothing she could say that would make this right, and all that did was make the pain she was already feeling hurt all the more.
‘But it did,’ he whispered, finally lifting his head to look at her, and she was horrified to see he had tears in his eyes. Is this what their messed-up marriage had come down to? Was it really going to end like this? ‘It happened, Amber.’ He shrugged. ‘It happened.’
She shook her head, herself now blinking back unexpected tears that had started to spill rapidly down her cheeks. ‘I’m so sorry, Jim.’
All she’d ever wanted was this man – this one man. He was all she’d ever wanted, and for a few blissful months she’d had him, in a way she’d been dreaming of since she was sixteen years old. But she’d let a need for some kind of perfection they could never achieve get in the way. She’d allowed herself to dwell too much on the things they couldn’t have, rather than concentrate on the things they already had. And they’d had each other, hadn’t they? Why hadn’t that been enough? When, for almost two decades, it had been all she’d ever wanted. Him. That’s all she’d ever really wanted.
‘So am I, Amber. So am I.’
She didn’t know what to do. Should she just turn and walk away, leave him behind without any kind of fight? Did he even want her to fight for him, for their marriage?
‘I’ll speak to my solicitor, see what happens next…’
She looked at him, her heart beating hard, hammering against her ribs as though it was desperate to break free from its cage. ‘Can’t we talk about this, Jim? Please?’ Her voice was barely a whisper, her words stilted and slow to come out. But she now felt as if her life was running in slow motion, like she was being made to watch as all the stupid mistakes she’d made were played out in front of her like some kind of visual torture.
‘There’s no point, Amber.’
‘You’re willing to give up? On everything we had? Just because of one night?’
‘But is it just going to stay one night? You see, that’s what I have the problem with, that’s… that’s what I can’t… I saw your reaction out there today, Amber. I saw the look on your face when it was finally made public that he was going. I saw that. I saw the face of a woman who doesn’t really want him to go anywhere.’
‘But he is going, isn’t he? He’s leaving, he’s going to be miles away, in another country, out…’
‘Out of temptation’s reach, is that what you were going to say?’
She stopped talking, leaning back against his desk. ‘No, Jim. That wasn’t what I was going to say.’
He walked over to her, tilting her chin up with his thumb and forefinger. ‘Maybe we were never really meant to be together.’
Her eyes searched his face, trying to find something that would make her feel any better about what was happening here, but there was nothing there. Nothing but a heart-breaking reality that her dream come true was about to come tumbling down, shattering into a million pieces on the way.
‘What we had, it was amazing. And I know I will never, ever stop loving you, Amber. Ever. I know that.’
‘Then why are we doing this? Why are you doing this, Jim? I don’t understand, because… because an hour ago you wanted to make love to me, and I…’
‘I wanted to be with you one last time, that’s all I wanted. I wanted that so much you have no idea, baby. No idea.’ His mouth was almost touching hers now and she could feel that ache in her chest, those knots in her stomach tightening, pulling so hard it was like the breath was being squeezed out of her. ‘But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I’m tired, Amber. My work’s been slipping, I haven’t been able to concentrate and… and I can’t afford to let that happen. I’ve got a reputation to keep, a club to run. And I need to be on my A-game for that. So we need to end this. Now. Before it destroys us both.’
She just let the tears fall now, let them stream down her face, running into her mouth, the salty taste of them making her cry even more. ‘Why… why a divorce, Jim? Why something that drastic?’
‘I need closure, Amber. I need to make that break, sever those ties…’
‘Sever those ties? You… you’re making it sound like you don’t ever want to see me again.’
He looked down, his hand still resting against her cheek, but he couldn’t meet her eyes. He couldn’t look at her. And that in itself made Amber’s heart break into even more tiny pieces.
‘Jim? No… I can’t… No. Please, don’t do this…’
‘We’ll have to wait a few more months, before any divorce can be made final, but, as long as we’re both in agreement, once those proceedings are in place it should all be pretty quick and straightforward. We’ve got no kids…’
He stopped himself, his eyes finally meeting hers again, and even she could see him visibly flinch at the words he’d just spoken.
‘Amber, baby, I’m so sorry. Honey, I am so, so sorry…’
She just shook her head, pushing his hand away from her face before making her way over to the door. ‘I think we’ve said everything there is to be said now, don’t you?’
‘Amber, please, wait… don’t leave like this. I shouldn’t have said… I should have been more tactful.’
‘It’s true, though, isn’t it? What you said. No kids equals a much more straightforward divorce. L
ess mess all round, huh?’
‘That isn’t what I meant. It isn’t…’
‘I’m sorry, Jim. Okay? Please believe me when I say that – I’m sorry. Because, despite what you may think, I love you. So much. And I always will. Always.’
Chapter Twenty-Two
‘Feeling any better?’ Ronnie asked, sliding onto the banquette opposite Amber. ‘Or shall I go get us another bottle?’
She smiled, laying the beer mat she’d been fiddling with down on the table. ‘It’s been a fortnight, Ronnie. I’m fine now.’
‘Really?’ He raised a sceptical eyebrow. ‘Despite the fact there’s been all that stuff in the press about your marriage breakdown? All those rumours about you and Ryan and his real reasons for leaving Newcastle Red Star? You’re okay with all of that, are you?’
‘I didn’t say that, did I? No. Of course I’m not okay with all of that. But, in reality, it was inevitable, wasn’t it? Inevitable that they’d put two and two together and come up with…’
‘Something not too far from the truth?’
She looked at Ronnie, picking up her glass and taking a sip of wine. ‘Ryan isn’t to blame for my marriage breaking down.’
‘He is, indirectly. Sort of.’
Amber sat back, sighing heavily as she pushed both hands through her hair. ‘You see? What you’ve just said there, that just shows what a huge fucking mess this all is.’
‘You’re handling it extremely well, though, I have to say.’
She took another sip of wine, willing the alcohol to take effect soon. She was quite looking forward to the numbness it might bring if she drank enough. ‘I’m not the type to sit wallowing over something I can’t control, Ronnie. You know that. I’ll put my game face on and deal with things like a grown-up. What’s the point of collapsing into a heap and sobbing myself to sleep every night? It won’t make him change his mind.’
‘But you haven’t been back to Newcastle since it happened, babe.’
‘So? There’s no point in me going back up there if I don’t really need to. There’s nothing there for me now, is there? Most of my work is down here, so…’
‘What about your dad? He’s still up there. And he’s really worried about you.’
‘I’m sure my dad’s fine. Freddie Sullivan brought his daughter up to be as tough as he is. He knows I’m okay.’
‘Well, maybe Freddie Sullivan’s daughter isn’t quite as tough as she thinks she is.’
Amber just threw him a look, finished the last of her wine, and refilled her glass.
‘You sure you don’t want me to get another bottle?’ Ronnie asked, smiling slightly.
‘We make a right pair, don’t we?’ she sighed, sitting back against the wall of the booth they were sitting in at the bar in the Cloud Sports complex. They’d just finished presenting an episode of Scoreline together and were taking the opportunity to wind down after another long day. ‘Both of our marriages, over within months.’ She looked at her best friend, who was staring down into his drink, fiddling with the stem of his wine glass. ‘But you weren’t to blame for the way yours ended, were you? I was.’
Ronnie looked up at her, reaching out to take her hand. ‘Hey, come on.’ He sat forward, clasping both his hands around hers, smiling a smile that was designed to try and get her to smile back. ‘Look, why don’t you take a trip back up north? Talk to Jim. If that’s what you really want.’
‘Do you think I should?’
‘You know my feelings on Jim Allen, kiddo, but please don’t let that cloud your judgement. You’ve got to do what you want to do, not what you think anyone else wants you to do. If that makes any sense.’
‘There’s no point,’ Amber sighed. ‘I mean, he hasn’t contacted me in all that time, has he? Two weeks, and he hasn’t called, hasn’t texted… he hasn’t even emailed me. Nothing. Surely I’ve got to take something from that, haven’t I?’
‘You’re giving up, then? Just like that?’
‘Maybe he’s right, Ronnie.’
‘About what?’
‘About us being together, how it wasn’t good for us. We got carried away, getting married as quickly as we did. We let our hearts rule our heads, and we didn’t even stop to think about the reality of it all. He’d only just walked back into my life and I was confused and overwhelmed, but I knew from the second I saw him again, I knew I was still so in love with him… or in love with the memory of him. Because sometimes – sometimes I wasn’t sure if I really knew him at all. Maybe it was the younger Jim I was still in love with, not the one who came back to me sixteen years later… Oh, I don’t know. I don’t know, Ronnie.’
He squeezed her hand, bringing it up to his mouth and kissing it gently, his eyes meeting hers. ‘You know, maybe we really should have listened to your dad when he said we would have made the perfect couple.’
She couldn’t help smiling at him, so glad he was there. So glad he could be with her to keep her sane and stop her from wallowing in that self-pity she knew she would have quite happily sunk into if she’d been left alone, despite what she’d just said before. ‘Yeah. Maybe.’
Their eyes stayed locked together for a few seconds longer, a loaded silence hanging in the air, a silence that Ronnie was about to break when they were interrupted by a rise in the noise level near the entrance to the bar. And the moment was broken.
‘What’s going on over there?’ Amber asked, pulling her hand away from Ronnie’s, standing up to get a better view.
‘Dunno,’ Ronnie muttered, sitting back and topping up his own wine, finishing his drink in one mouthful before grabbing the empty bottle from the middle of the table. ‘I’ll go get us a refill. Something tells me we’re gonna need it.’
Amber sat back down and frowned as she watched him walk over to the bar, forgetting all about the sudden activity over by the entrance.
‘You on your own?’
She looked up sharply at the sound of that familiar voice, her heart involuntarily jumping slightly. He was the last person she’d expected to see, but there he stood, all cocky and handsome in scruffy jeans that probably cost more than she earned in a week, his dark hair falling over his eyes. He’d let it grow a bit longer recently, and the beard he’d once had was now just heavy stubble. He looked hot, sexy – everything she wished he didn’t. ‘You’ve had a shave I see.’
He grinned, sliding into the seat Ronnie had just vacated.
‘And no, I’m not on my own,’ Amber went on, just a tiny bit irritated by his sudden appearance. ‘Ronnie’s getting the drinks in over at the bar.’
‘Yeah, I know. He’s getting me one, too.’
‘Aren’t you supposed to be on a plane heading towards the Canary Islands?’
‘Not leaving until tomorrow morning. First thing. We’re flying from Gatwick instead of Newcastle. Me and Max had a few things to sort out down here first. But, all being well, by tomorrow afternoon I should be settled in a bar somewhere sipping on a cold lager and thinking how great it is to have left the British weather behind.’
She looked at him, hoping he was joking.
‘Jesus, Amber, come on. I’m kidding. As soon as I land I’m heading straight to CD Adeje’s ground for a follow-up medical and a proper look around the place. Then I’ve got to move into the villa the club have sorted out for me somewhere in La Caleta… Haven’t got a clue where that is…’
‘It’s a small fishing village just a short walk away from Costa Adeje. Jim and I visited it when we were over in Tenerife pre-season.’
Ryan didn’t miss the way her expression changed the second she’d mentioned Jim’s name. ‘You okay?’
‘Not really.’ She looked up at him, those dark, almost navy-blue eyes of his looking straight into hers. ‘My marriage is over, I can’t face going back up north because I can’t deal with the memories, and you’re sitting here in front of me for a reason I’ve yet to fathom.’
He sat back, looking over at Ronnie as he approached the table. Ronnie looked from Amber to Rya
n, his expression carrying more than a hint of warning. Aimed at both of them.
‘I’ll be fine.’ She smiled at Ronnie, answering his silent question, taking the bottle of wine he held out for her. ‘I promise.’
He paused for a second, hoping she’d change her mind and tell Ryan to leave. But she didn’t. So he did the only thing he could do, and conceded defeat. ‘Well, I’ll only be over there, if you need me. And if you don’t, I’ll see you in a bit, okay?’
She nodded, still smiling. ‘Okay.’ Amber waited until Ronnie had gone back over to the bar – but not without throwing Ryan a look first – before she turned her attention back to her surprise visitor. ‘I wasn’t expecting to see you again before you left.’
‘Was that a conscious decision?’
‘Don’t start, Ryan. I’m really not in the mood.’ She so badly wanted to ask him how Jim was, but something inside her was far too stubborn to let the question out. And show Ryan how vulnerable and upset she still was? Yeah. That’d be a great idea.
He sat forward, clasping his hands together on the table in front of him. ‘I couldn’t leave, Amber. Not without seeing you first.’
‘I thought we’d already said our goodbyes.’
‘Then call me greedy, because I want the chance to say another one. Although, if I’m gonna be totally honest about why I’m here, I don’t really want to say goodbye at all.’
Amber looked at him, narrowing her eyes slightly. ‘Like I said, Ryan. I’m really not in the mood for games so just get to the point, okay?’
‘Come with me. To Tenerife.’
She couldn’t break the stare as she tried to digest what he’d just said. ‘What the hell are you talking about? Are you out of your fucking mind? Have you forgotten why you’re out on loan in the first place?’
Ryan shrugged, sitting back and making himself comfortable. ‘Things have changed.’
Extra Time Page 36
