Ryan’s eyes met Amber’s again, and neither Max nor Ronnie missed the look that passed between them.
‘So,’ Max went on, taking a sip of coffee in his usual calm and controlled manner. There was no situation that could faze Max Mandell. He’d seen it all, and more, in his years as a top football agent. There was nothing he couldn’t handle. ‘You two got anything you want to share with the rest of us? Or can we just assume that this was your way of saying goodbye?’
Amber looked down at her hands, unsure of what to do with them now that she’d discarded the tea towel. ‘It was just a night out,’ she said, wishing her stomach would unravel itself from the mass of knots it was tied up in. It was making her feel sick again.
‘Ryan?’ Max turned his attention to his unpredictable client.
Ryan said nothing for a second, pushing a hand through his hair as he turned his head to look out of the window. ‘Like Amber said, it was just a night out.’
Amber didn’t miss the slightly sarcastic laugh that came from Ronnie, but again she ignored him.
‘Right. Well, in that case, you’d better finish saying your goodbyes, Ryan, because we have a plane to catch. Five minutes, then I want you outside and in that car, you listening to me?’
Ryan nodded, once more looking over at Amber, who seemed more interested in what was happening out in the garden.
‘Everything all right, princess?’
She turned to see Max standing right beside her, his voice a little softer than it had been before. She smiled, folding her arms against her chest. ‘Everything’s fine.’
‘You sure?’
‘It’s a crazy time, Max. That’s all.’
He reached out to gently squeeze her shoulder. ‘Yeah. I know it is, kiddo. So you call me if you need me, okay?’
She smiled again, not sure if it had reached her eyes, but she didn’t really care. Suddenly she was too exhausted to worry about things like that.
‘Do you want to say goodbye to Romeo over there on your own?’
She looked up, surprised that he’d asked that. But glad. Because she didn’t want Ryan to walk out like this, not like this. It would leave things way too open-ended and she needed some kind of closure if she was ever going to deal with moving forward.
‘Yeah.’ Her voice was quiet again, almost a whisper. ‘Thanks.’
‘Max…’ Ronnie objected, looking at him with an expression of disbelief.
‘Come on, Ronnie. Let them say goodbye. A couple of minutes, that’s all.’ Max looked at Amber again, and she nodded, all of a sudden loving this man in front of her for giving her this chance she hadn’t even realised she’d needed. She’d thought she’d said every goodbye there could be to Ryan Fisher a long time ago, but it seemed she’d been wrong. It seemed that she’d never really said goodbye at all.
‘Jesus Christ,’ Ronnie sighed, walking out of the kitchen, closely followed by Max.
Amber waited until the door closed behind them before she looked up, watching as Ryan walked over to her.
‘Thank you,’ he said, his hands still stuck in his pockets as he stood in front of her. ‘For last night.’
‘You make it sound so impersonal when you put it like that.’ Amber was finding it hard to even look at him as every confusing feeling she’d been experiencing for hours now seemed to whirl round faster and faster inside her head.
He looked down at his boots for a second before raising his head to finally meet her gaze, their eyes locking together in a stare so intense she felt a bolt of something sharp and shocking shoot right through her.
‘You take care of yourself,’ he whispered, stepping forward, reaching out to gently touch her face, cradling her cheek in the palm of his hand. ‘You hear me?’
She closed her eyes as his mouth met hers, her body pressing against his, and it was an automatic reaction to slide her arms around his neck, to hold him tight and lose herself in that kiss.
His hands slid up under her shirt, the touch of his fingers on her skin making her gasp out loud before the kiss deepened even more, their tongues entwining, dancing round each other. He tasted so good, and he’d been there for her at a time – and this was where Ronnie had been right – when she’d needed somebody. But not just anybody, because, deep down inside, Amber knew she’d needed him. For those few hours she’d needed him. But now it really was time to say goodbye, to move on and let him start that new life he was moving abroad to begin.
He pulled away slightly, looking at her, playing with the open collar of her shirt, letting his hand slide down slightly, skimming the curve of her breasts with his fingertips.
‘Go on, get out of here,’ she said, trying to force a smile as a hundred and one memories of her time with this man – good and bad – flooded her already crowded brain. She really had loved him. Once.
‘You trying to get rid of me?’ He smiled, too, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear as he leaned forward to kiss her again. ‘Because I’m sure Max said I had five minutes, and I may not be the best mathematician there ever was, but I’m positive I’ve still got a couple of those left.’
This time the smile came naturally. He was making her feel like a teenager saying goodbye to the boyfriend she’d been forbidden to see, rather than a thirty-eight-year-old woman who should know better than to let this get to her.
‘Then shut up and kiss me some more, before you waste what little time you have left.’
She closed her eyes again as his mouth rested on hers, moving slowly against it until they had that perfect rhythm going, and for a final few seconds she lost herself in him, in this crazy, complicated man who’d stolen a piece of her heart she would never get back, she knew that now. She knew that. And that was all she was sure of right now.
‘You could still come with me,’ Ryan whispered, his hand holding tightly onto hers, clinging onto her as though he was scared to let go.
‘No, Ryan, come on, baby. We’ve been through this. You know where my head is at the minute – it’s all over the place. And I think yours is, too, which is why you’re going away in the first place, you need to remember that.’
He rested his forehead against hers, kissing her quickly, still reluctant to let go of her hand. ‘It’s all so fucked up, Amber. All of it. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.’
‘Hey, come on.’ She placed a hand on his face, stroking his cheek with her thumb. ‘Listen to me, okay? You’re gonna be fine. You’re gonna get out there and show the Spanish how it’s done, do you hear me? Yes, things are confusing and fucked up and what we’ve done here hasn’t exactly helped matters, but once you get out there, Ryan, you’ll see that this really is the best decision. For all of us.’
He squeezed her hand, suddenly aware that he had tears in his eyes, but he didn’t care. He didn’t. Right now he felt like someone had just kicked him hard in the solar plexus, knocking every breath he had clean out of him. And he was scared. Yeah, he was scared. Scared of what he was doing, and sad for the things he hadn’t done.
‘And the next time I see you I expect you to at least be able to say a few words of Spanish. Okay?’
‘Amber…’
‘You’d better go.’ She smiled, letting go of him and turning away, focusing on the garden outside and not him, because to focus on him would be dangerous. She’d said her goodbyes, and now he needed to leave.
‘I love you, Amber. I want you to know that. I love you. And I don’t think I ever stopped.’
She closed her eyes as she heard him walk away, heard the sound of muffled voices out in the hall before the sound of the front door banging shut heralded in a fresh bout of tears that she quickly blinked away. She was determined that today was the day she became stronger and stopped letting weakness take hold at a time when showing weakness just wasn’t going to work. It wasn’t going to get her anywhere. It wasn’t going to help.
‘You okay?’
She swung round to see Ronnie standing there, his expression softer now, his voice mo
re understanding. ‘Not really.’
‘It’s for the best, Amber. You know that.’
‘Yeah.’ She sniffed, turning away from him for the briefest of seconds to wipe away a stray tear that had escaped. ‘Yeah, I know.’
He walked over to her, reaching out to take her hand, but she pulled it away, folding her arms against her. Right now, she didn’t want his sympathy. She didn’t want to be comforted by him or sit down and have one of those ‘chats’ that were supposed to make her feel better. She wasn’t even sure she wanted to feel better. Maybe she deserved to feel this miserable and confused. Maybe it was some kind of payback for displaying so much weakness. She was a different woman to the one she’d been a year ago, and she wasn’t altogether sure she liked this version of her.
‘Amber, sweetheart…’
‘No, Ronnie. I don’t want to talk, okay? I just want to be on my own.’
‘Don’t be stupid, kiddo. I can’t leave you on your own when you’re like this.’
‘Like what? I’m fine, okay? I’m just tired of always having people around, confusing me…’
‘How the hell am I confusing you? Come on, Amber. I just want to be there for you, I want to help you…’
‘Then leave me alone.’ She looked at him, right into eyes that had never hurt her, never lied to her, and she knew they never would. But she didn’t need him right now. She didn’t need anyone. ‘If you really want to help me, just leave me alone. Please.’
‘I don’t want to do that,’ Ronnie whispered.
‘Please, Ronnie.’
He stared back at her, knowing exactly what was going on inside her head. And knowing he shouldn’t be going anywhere. ‘You don’t have to pretend to be strong with me, Amber.’
‘I’m not pretending to be anything. I just want to be alone.’
He shook his head, taking a couple more steps forward, his eyes still on hers. ‘No, you don’t. Not really.’
‘Please don’t tell me what you think I’m feeling, because you have no idea.’
‘Why are you pushing me away, Amber?’
‘I’m not pushing you away.’
‘Yes, you are. I’m trying to be there for you and you’re just…’
‘I don’t want you to be there for me, Ronnie. I don’t need that from you, okay? I don’t need that anymore. I’m a big girl now. I can handle all this crap on my own. So just go. Please.’
He stared at her for a few more seconds, willing her to look at him, too, but she’d turned away from him. A clear message that the conversation had been shut down.
‘What’s happening here, Amber?’ Ronnie asked, his voice quiet, his tone confused.
‘I don’t know,’ she whispered, pulling her arms tighter against her chest as she focused on nothing in particular outside in the garden. ‘I really don’t know anymore.’
Chapter Twenty-Five
Amber took Debbie’s hand as she lowered herself down onto the sofa in the Players’ Lounge. Her baby bump seemed to be growing bigger by the day, and with just a few weeks left until baby put in an appearance, even Amber was starting to get just a little bit excited.
‘So how was your Christmas?’ she asked, smiling slightly as she watched Debbie grab a cushion and shove it behind her back, her hands resting on her rapidly growing bump.
‘Alcohol-free, unfortunately,’ Debbie replied. ‘And I could do without having to come here today. I don’t know why Gary suddenly feels the need to have me around as support when it didn’t seem to bother him before.’
‘He was never this close to becoming a daddy before, was he?’ Amber smiled. ‘All of this has really changed him, don’t you think?’
Debbie looked at Amber out of the corner of her eye, smiling slightly. ‘Yeah. And I’m not altogether sure it’s for the better, actually. I’ve never been fussed over so much in my entire life. Every time I turn around he’s there, making sure I’m all right, that I’ve got everything I need… Sometimes I think I preferred him when he was out every night chatting up wannabe WAGs and rolling home at all hours.’
Amber leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. ‘Well, he’s lost his partner-in-crime now, hasn’t he?’
Debbie paused for a second before speaking. ‘Do you know how he’s getting on over there?’
Amber stared down at the floor, focusing on the red carpet. ‘I can’t avoid knowing, can I?’ She looked back up at Debbie, smiling a small smile. ‘It’s my job, isn’t it? To know what’s going on in the world of football. Especially when it involves a name as big as Ryan Fisher’s.’
‘So he’s doing okay, then?’
‘He’s doing fine. He’s already made his mark in the first few weeks of him being there; he’s scoring goals, drawing the crowds in, and by all accounts he’s settled right into his new life.’
Debbie gave a small snort of derision, causing Amber to stare at her.
‘What was that for?’
‘Ryan Fisher, settling into a new life on a holiday island frequented by tourists fifty-two weeks of the year? He’ll be like a kid in a candy store. Of course he’s settled in. Why wouldn’t he have?’
Amber stared back down at the floor. ‘I don’t think he’s like that anymore, Debbie.’
‘Really? You truly believe he’s one leopard who can change his spots? You thought that before and look what happened.’
Amber said nothing, she just continued to stare down at the floor. ‘Look, I’d better go. I’m supposed to be over in the press area…’
‘I know what happened between you and Ryan, Amber. The night of Gary’s birthday party. I know you spent the night together, so I know there’s still something there between you two, but…’
Amber stood up, shaking out her hair, which had started to become a bit of a habit of hers when she felt as though she needed to rid herself of something she didn’t want to think about. ‘There’s nothing going on between Ryan and me, Debbie. Not anymore.’
‘And what about you and Jim?’
Amber pushed both hands through her hair – another habit of hers that seemed to occur when she was nervous, or trying to avoid talking about subjects she didn’t want to discuss. ‘There is no me and Jim. Remember?’
‘Did you see him? Over Christmas, I mean.’
‘No. No, I didn’t. As far as I was aware he spent it with Brandon. I’ve really got to go, Debs…’
‘Amber, hang on.’ Debbie slowly hauled herself up off the sofa. ‘Wait a minute… Are you okay?’
Amber cocked her head, frowning slightly. ‘Why wouldn’t I be?’
‘I don’t know. You tell me, chick. All I know is we didn’t see much of you over Christmas and New Year, and…’
‘I was working. You know as well as I do that the football season doesn’t stop for Christmas.’
‘I know. I know that, I just thought…’
‘I’m fine, Debbie. Really. I’m fine.’ She smiled. ‘I’ll speak to you later, okay?’
‘You’re not fooling me, Amber,’ Debbie shouted after her as she tried to lower herself back down onto the sofa. But Amber just threw her another smile over her shoulder as she left the Players’ Lounge, bumping straight into someone on her way out.
‘Oh, Jesus, I’m sorry…’ She stopped dead in her tracks as she looked up at the recipient of her shoulder-bump, her heart almost thudding to a halt as their eyes met. For the first time in weeks.
‘Don’t be.’ He smiled, and Amber wished with all her heart that he hadn’t done that. She’d known there was a good chance she’d have to see him at some point today, seeing as this was the big game between Newcastle Red Star and Wearside Spartans at Tynebridge. She’d just hoped she’d have been better prepared for the moment, that was all. ‘You look… you look incredible, Amber.’
She looked away, taking a second to compose herself because he still had the ability to turn her world upside down in a split second. ‘I’ve got to go and find Ronnie…’
He gently grabbed her wrist, stopping he
r from going anywhere. ‘Amber, hang on, honey.’
She swung round to look at him, digging deep to find the strength she needed to get through this confrontation. ‘Why, Jim? I thought we’d said all there was to say to each other.’
‘I thought I would’ve seen more of you over Christmas. I tried to call you…’
‘I was busy. I spent Christmas in London. Cloud Sports wanted me to do a lot of studio work over the holiday period and…’
‘I know. I saw you on TV. I just thought you might have come home, to see your dad.’
‘He came to me, Jim. We spent Christmas together, along with Ronnie.’
‘How cosy.’
She narrowed her eyes, not entirely sure what he’d meant by that comment. ‘Have you named the team for this afternoon’s game?’ she asked, changing the subject, bringing everything back round to the professional level she was far more comfortable with now, as far as Jim was concerned. It was the way it had to be, or she knew she’d be in danger of losing any composure she had left.
‘I’ll be releasing the details in about ten minutes.’ He shoved both hands in his pockets, his eyes never leaving hers. ‘Amber, baby, it really doesn’t have to be this way.’
She couldn’t help but stare back at him, every memory she spent every minute of every day pushing to the back of her mind flooding forward in an unwelcome torrent. ‘Yes, Jim. It does.’
He said nothing, both of them standing there feeling, for one confusing second, that they were the only two people there in that crowded, noisy stadium.
‘How’s Brandon doing?’ Amber asked, swallowing hard to stop any more unwanted emotions from showing themselves. She needed to be strong now. She needed to be very, very strong.
‘He’s doing good. He’s all fired up for this afternoon’s game, and, to be honest, he could be the biggest threat to Red Star. My own son, huh?’ He gave a small laugh, looking down at the ground before meeting her eyes once more. ‘He’s one hell of a player.’
Extra Time Page 40
