by Ni-Ni Simone
I glanced in my rearview mirror again. “I don’t know why these old biz whiz grannies have to try me. They really want me messy.” I slid a manicured finger over my arched brows. Then batted my lashes. “Not today! I’m staying loving and kind.”
“Westwick here! Make it quick!”
I blinked. “Hi, Mr. Westwick.” I started real sugary and sweet. “This is Spencer Ellington. I’m stuck in traffic.”
“Okay? What do you want from me, a biscuit? A handclap? Should I call in the Coast Guard?”
My nose flared. “You wait one goshdangit minute, Mr. Westwick! Don’t you dare set it off on me, tootsie! Did you forget to take your hormones or something, because I don’t like your tone. I will light your burgers! I called hoping we could discuss my being tardy today without messiness. But I see you want—”
“Five thousand dollars.”
“What?”
“You heard me, Miss Ellington. Five grand. I’m sick of you spoiled little shits coming in and out of here, doing whatever it is you want. There has to be some order around here. I suggest you pull out your student handbook .”
I slammed on my brakes, almost causing the SUV in back of me to ram into me. The horn blared and I sped up. Finally, the traffic was moving along.
“Sweet jeezus! You monster in a wig! You crumb licker! You’re trying to have me killed out here on the road. I will sue you, Westwick! Drag your lipstick-stained drawz through the wringer! You will not get one red cent out of . . .” My voice trailed off as my eyes fluttered over to my left.
I slowed down. Wait. Is that—? I blinked. Squinted. “I know that’s not who I . . .” My eyes popped open. “Oh, yes it is! And she’s with... oh no! Oh no!” Across the two-lane street, just a few feet down from the campus’s entrance, I spotted Rich’s car. I eased over to the side of the road, riding the shoulder. Then stopped so I could get a better look.
“Hello? Hello? Ellington? You dimwit! Are you there? Hello?”
“Oh, shut up, Westwick! Go slide a ruler in it!”
I ended the call.
“What in the world is Rich doing standing out on the side of the road all gussied up like she’s going to some award show for freakazoids? She’s supposed to be up on the new carpet cutting ribbons and smiling for the cameras. So why is she out here with him? Pimp in Timbs?”
Rich and I still hadn’t spoken since she’d sucker-snuck me in the face. And I wasn’t going to let it go, or be over it, until I gave that five-foot-six pork roll in heels a taste of my wrath. Putting her hands on me! Mmph! I slid my hand into my bag and pulled out a pair of miniature brass and mother-of-pearl binoculars for a closer view of the spectacle before me. Thinking she’s going to get away with slapping me! Ha!
I held the binoculars up to my eyes. I’ma light her fire! Miss Crotch Rot! Ole pint-size hoochie!
“Wait! Wait! Wait a dingdong minute! What is going on over there?”
They were arguing!
Oooh, this is juicy! London’s lover boy and his side trick! Aww, gushy-gushy now!
I quickly reached for my iPhone and zoomed in, snapping pictures of the two jaybirds quarreling. I set my phone in my lap, looking through my binoculars again. He had his finger in Rich’s face. Going off!
Mmph. Good for her... that’s exactly what Rated-X gets for messing over a good man like Knox!
She was probably down here tricking along the highway!
Ole monster slut...
Rich had one hand on her hip, snaking her neck, jabbing a finger in the air as she gave it right back to ole Mister Trick Daddy. Mister Hump Along. Mister No Good.
I rolled my window down, hoping to hear them yelling. But it was too noisy with all the cars going by. I couldn’t hear a goshdang thing!
What the what? What the heeezyjeezy . . . ?
“Aaah!”
He yanked Rich up by the collar. Pinned her up against the car. Jeezus! He was gutter! “Oh no! Oh no! No snatching by the collar! Unless it’s a dog collar! Get your hairy mitts off of her!”
I snapped another picture. Then looked through my binoculars again.
“Oh no he didn’t!”
He mushed Rich in the face!
Oh no! Oh no! He’s over there tryna be the new Chris Beat ’Em Down Brown! I don’t think so! Not with my bestie-boo-boo!
“Fight him, Rich! Tear his gullet out! Goshdangit!” I snapped, shutting off the engine then reaching up under my seat. “These tricks ’n’ hoes stay keeping me messy! Now Godmomma has to pull out her goodie bag and take it to this boy’s nugget!”
I pulled up my face mask. Removed my key from the ignition. Retrieved my black leather trick bag, pulled out a case and removed my two metal friends, Nun and Chucks, swung open my car door, got out, then slammed it shut. I was pissed! Some boy putting his hands on my dang friend! Oh, he had the wrong one, two, and three!
I raced across the highway in my hazmat suit and heels, zigzagging through traffic while swinging my nunchucks up and around over my head.
Horns blared. Tires screeched. Cars swerved.
I could hear him yelling at her. “I’m sick of you playin’ me, yo! You gonna have me eff you up, for real for real, yo! Keep playin’ me for some sucka, Rich—”
I was light on my heels, swift in my hips, heavy in my swing when I pounced up on him and conked him in the center of his pumpkin.
He dropped.
“Aaaaaah! Clutching pearls!” Rich screamed. “Aaaaah! Martian gone wild! Somebody help! There’s a killer in a space suit on the loose!”
I yanked my mask down. “Rich, shut it! It’s me! Now, what the hell on fire are you doing out here?” I stamped my foot. “And why did that animal have his goddang hands on you, huh?”
Rich’s eyes popped open. “Spencer, what the hell is wrong with you? Why aren’t you in school? You have no business being in my damn business! You effen trickazoid! I’m sick of you all up in my business! I had this! I was handling it! I didn’t need you all up in my mix somewhere, tryna save somebody! Don’t nobody need you tryna save them! I’m a grown woman!”
I blinked. I just saved this roadside hooker from getting pimp-stomped and this was the thanks I got. Another thing I couldn’t stand was an ungrateful trick!
I blinked again.
“I don’t even like you, Spencer! I can’t stand you! You effen intruder! You two-faced snake! You had no business coming over here after you tried to ruin me! This is illegal, Spencer!”
I narrowed my eyes. Tilted my head. Contemplated hitting her across her teeth with my metal friends. Counted to fifty instead.
“Stalking me! Tryna live through me! Everywhere I go, there you go! Get your own life, Spencer! And stay the hell outta mine! I’ll have you arrested. You murderer! You’re so jealous and pathetic. You didn’t have to kill him! Oh, you’re going to pay for this! I’m going to make sure you get put away for the rest of—”
Slap!
I took my hand to Rich’s face, causing her to stumble backward. “That’s for slapping me in class, Jell-O guts! You thought I forgot, huh, stankalanka?!” I hit her again. “You want to be out here letting boys put their hands on you, huh?”
Rich charged me, swinging punches. “You dirty skank! You backstabbing—”
“Screw you, you slop mop!” I punched her back. “You adulteress!”
We wrestled. Yanked and pulled each other’s hair. Swung fists.
“I’m going to kill you, Spencer!”
“Not if I kill you first!”
We tripped over Justice’s body, crashing down on top of him then rolling over him. We rolled around on the ground, clawing and punching and choking each other until we heard the faint noise of what sounded like sirens in the distance.
“Tramp, you hear that? Is that the cops coming?”
Rich was breathing all heavy and hard, practically sounding like a grizzly. Her hot breath was curling my nose hairs. I held my breath for as long as I could.
We froze. Listened. It was.
I exhaled, gaspi
ng. “I think they’re coming for us.”
“Oh no, bish!” Rich yelled, hopping up off the ground. “I am not going to jail! Not this time! Not for murder! You’re on your own with this one!”
Justice was there on the ground, stone still.
“Jeezushavemercyonmysoul! I didn’t mean to kill that boy! But he shouldn’t be hitting on no girl!” Tears sprang from my eyes. “I can’t go to jail! And be chained in a cage! Become some chick daddy’s sex kitten! We gotta get out of here!”
We both started scurrying, grabbing up our broken heels.
I yanked her by the arm and ran-hopped in my one good pump, dragging Rich behind me. I yanked my keys out of my pocket, disarming the alarm.
“Hurry! Get in!”
I hopped behind the wheel, drenched. I glanced up in the rearview mirror and screamed. Steam was seeping from around my collar. I was on fire in this hazmat suit! I started the engine and floored the accelerator, peeling off.
“Where to?”
“Just drive, bish! Drive!”
6
Rich
Spencer was going down!
And I was going to make sure she spent the rest of her life on death row, being some butch queen’s sex slave and washing her dirty drawls!
’Cause I wasn’t going to jail!
I was turning state’s evidence!
This chick was done!
I can’t believe she ran up on me like the head of the coochie patrol, cock blocked and raided my moment! I didn’t need her flying through the air in a hazmat suit and heels. This was real life. Not some twisted fantasy!
I knew how to handle Justice.
I didn’t need her to kill him!
Ohmygod! She really tried to take his head off!
The bottom of my stomach had fallen out as I cried, “I can’t believe you killed that boy!” I pointed to the street behind us. I could still see his body in the distance, lying there, motionless.
“Shut up!” she screamed, whipping the steering wheel to the right and making a sharp turn onto the highway. “Shut up!”
“I’ma shut up, all right. Right after I testify against you!” I pointed at the side of her face. “Right after I shut you down. Right after I tell the judge that something has always been wrong with you. After I demand they put you away for the rest of your life! You’re a danger to the community. And a menace to my love life!”
“You know what, Rich?” Spencer zigzagged across two lanes, cutting two cars off and causing one to slam on its brakes. “If you keep talking, do you know what’s going to happen next?”
My eyes popped out as she floored the accelerator and the speedometer spiked to a hundred and ten. “What? What happens next? Whatchu mean?”
“I’m going to take you to meet the grim reaper. So either shut your fox trap, or start writing your eulogy. It’s about to be some slow singing and flower bringing.”
Breathe in...
Breathe out . . .
This is not real! It’s not!
I flipped the visor down and looked into the mirror.
“Ahhh!” I screamed in horror at the sight staring back at me. My hair is a mess! My makeup looks like I’ve been to war! I’m supposed to be hot and pretty! This is a dream. Scratch that. This is a nightmare! I’m going to wake up at any moment and we will be at Hollywood High at my red carpet ceremony where the press is waiting and Miley Cyrus is giving us a first-class view of her cheap tongue wagging and her pink pleather twerk.
“Rich!” Spencer snatched me out of my thoughts. “Get out the dang mirror and tell me where we are going!”
I slammed the visor up. “Excuse you! You’re the reason my heel is broken off and now we’re fugitives making a mad dash across county lines, hoping like hell the feds don’t hunt us down, then shoot us on the spot. We’re on the run and you’re asking me where we’re going? You should have had all this planned out before you went kung fu crazy and started dropping bodies. I should be going to school so that I can get my celebration on. Not riding shotgun with you, man-killah!”
“You know what? I’m getting ready to drive you off the nearest cliff!” She made a sharp pull to the left, cutting cars off.
I almost pissed my pants. “Stop it!” My heart felt like it had jumped into my esophagus. “You going to get us killed!”
“Exactly! NOW WHERE ARE WE GOooooooING?”
“Go south! Go south! Toward San Diego! We’ll escape to Chinatown and try to blend in!” I sniffed and did all I could not to lose myself in a crying fit. “You’re dead wrong for this, Spencer!” Tears filled my eyes and wet my cheeks. “Why couldn’t you just mind your business instead of being all up in mine? That’s the same mess you pulled when you ran your damn mouth and told Knox that I had an abortion and almost broke us up! And now this! You’re out of control!”
Her head snapped from the highway. “What? Don’t get it wrong. I haven’t spoken to Knox in like forever. So I didn’t tell him a goshdang thing! Why would I do that to you?”
“You tell me! That’s what I wanna know! You betrayed me!”
She swung the wheel to the right, almost sideswiping two cars. “I didn’t betray you! I don’t do that! You’re the one who’s always doing something all lopsided and crazy! Not me! And you know I worry about you, Rich.” She tossed a glance over at me. “How dare you accuse me of trying to tear down your relationship? You’re doing a good job of that on your own, Miss Cheater.”
“I’m not a cheater! And after today, I don’t need you looking my way! I’m done! Done! Done with you. Murderer! You left him for dead in the street. You have no shame. That wasn’t Compton. That was Hollywood. It’s illegal to walk around droppin’ bodies over there!”
“Well, he shouldn’t have put his grubby ole hands on you!” Spencer’s voice trembled. “And don’t even lie and say he didn’t because I saw him. I zoomed in with my binoculars and everything!”
I could feel a drop of piss spread like a wet web in my panties as she screamed and drove like a maniac. All I kept seeing was my life flashing before my eyes. This girl is going to kill me! “Spencer, he didn’t put his hands on me! Slow down! Please!”
She peeked back at the road and swerved, moments from slamming into the back of a tractor-trailer. “Then what is that bruise on your face?”
“My mother drop-kicked me in the jaw this morning, okay?”
“For what? Running your mouth?”
“No! For bad-mouthing RJ! Your once-upon-a-time G-spot lover! That’s another reason why I can’t stand him. First, he stole my parents. Then he skeeted on my friends!”
“Oh, Rich, please! You’re just jealous because you know RJ is perfect!”
“RJ is a prick who keeps smoking weed and spreading his grimy seed. Screw RJ! And screw you! You’re worried about RJ and he’s over there in the United Kingdom with a set of twins straddling him! Girl, puhlease. You have bigger problems than RJ, like being on the run for murder and kidnapping me!”
“You’re wrong for that!”
I huffed. “You just killed somebody in cold-water blood. And I’m wrong?”
I took two deep breaths to calm my rattled nerves. I wasn’t about to boom-bop-drop it upside this nutty trick’s head with her still behind the wheel driving way above the speed limit. No. I had to go into damage control to de-escalate the situation.
“Oh, you didn’t think I had it in me, did you? I bust when I have to. Now tell me why we’re heading to San Diego instead of across the border to Mexico.”
“Mexico? Clutching pearls! I don’t do that! Are you trying to have me boom-bop-drop and die? The last time I was in Mexico, I tossed back a bad batch of tequila, sucked down the worm, and woke up tied to the bed! No, ma’am, and no thank you! I’m staying right here in the good ole U.S. of California. Now, make a left into that parking lot. We’re going into that building right there.”
She eyed the deep purple–painted brick building that was Knox’s on-campus apartment. It had gold shutters and a monstrou
s wooden bulldog bolted onto the flat roof. “Who lives here?”
“Knox.”
“Knox?”
I raised a brow. “You know Knox. My man. My one and only. Don’t get amnesia, Spencer!”
She rolled her eyes and sucked her teeth. “Sweetjigga-crazycatinthehat! And whhhhy have you dragged me down here to Knox’s school?”
“Duh! We’re on the run and we have nowhere else to go! We’ll blend in here, right on campus. We’ll be safe. This is a whole apartment building for the cuties. I mean, the Ques.”
She grinned as we flipped our respective visors down and got ourselves together. Of course I had to borrow Spencer’s makeup kit so I could put this face back together again. On the run or not, I still had to be fabulous! I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and slicked my edges with a fingertip.
Spencer glanced over at Knox’s complex. “The whole building?”
“The. Whole. Building. Yaaaas, Gawd! Now you can have your choice of the cuties, but, um, I’m telling you now Knox’s roommate is off-limits! He’s dumb as a kick-plate and needs meds! All he does is eat, sleep, and hump around! That’s it. Who can respect somebody like that? And he’s dating some chick named Large Honey and that body of hers looks like one big food fight! Now come on. Let’s go.”
We eased out of the car, careful to look over our shoulders as we heel-hopped over toward the building, making sure no one was following us. We stepped onto the stoop and just as I placed my hand midair to ring the bell, Midnight yelled out the window, “BJ! Wassuup, Big Jawn! I told Knox you would smell this food. I got that hot goodness for ya lip smackers! Some honey-jerk-barbecue ribs, fried chicken, mac-and-cheese balls. Collard greens. Ham. And that bangin’ sweet potato fight-er’body-and-their-mama pound cake. From scratch! All for five ninety-nine! We ’bout to bust a party up in here! And yo, who is that lil tender piece of neck bone behind you?”
“Her name is Off-Limits! Now buzz us in.”
“He’s kind of cute,” Spencer whispered as we walked into the building and then stepped into the elevator.
“Yeah, cute if you’re into dog piss.”
Midnight held the apartment door open for us as we stepped off the elevator. I walked past him rolling my eyes. And just as Spencer went to step in behind me, he blocked her path. “Damn, baby cakes. I like your outfit.” He looked Spencer over in her hazmat suit. “Can I call you Limits for short, huh? I promise you, you’re so hot you’ve got me sizzling. Got me burning up all in my drawls! I feel it, girl. All through my bones. I’m on fire!”
